"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.
That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.
The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"
The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."
(Repost but I felt it needed to be told again)
Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it.
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, "I'll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language."
The woman says, "Oh, that's okay." She buys the parrot and takes it home. When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, "Awk. New madam. Hello madam."
A few hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, "Awk. New girls. Hello girls."
A couple hours after that, the woman's husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, "Awk. Hi Phil."
A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, geese and the lone parrot too. That evening, the farmer finds the cock lying out in the open field, pale, half-dead and vultures circling over its head.
"You horny bastard! You deserve this." He tells the cock.
The cock opens 1 eye slowly, points up and replies, "Sshhhh! Don't shout.. Wait for them to land.."
Because he preferred a cock-er-two!
This is my first original pirate-themed joke. I have more on the way. Love it? Hate it? Let me know!
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
A carrot
A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?"
"Africa," replied the parrot.
and sees a parrot on sale for 50 bucks. Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "I guess that's fine. I'll take him". So she brings the bird home and sets its cage up near the front door. When he knows what's going on he says, "new house, new madame!" The woman thinks to herself, "it came from a brothel, so I guess it's just learning". The woman's daughters get home from school and the bird says, "new house, new girls, new madame!". "It will just take time" she thinks. Then the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "hi Jeff!"
"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.
A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."
She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"
The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."
The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"
Her two daughters walk in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, two new whores!"
Her husband walks in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, Bob, I haven't seen you in three months!"
A Farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer Says: U Horny bastard u deserve this!
The Cock opens 1 eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...!
And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.
In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The man waits a minute, then opens the door. The bird looks sorry, so he puts it back in the cage.
"I'm terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won't be speaking as such anymore," the bird apologizes. "On a related note, what did the chicken do?"
It's last words were: fuck I think my parrot is about to die
The bartender says, "Wow! That is really cool! Where did you get it?"
"Africa", says the parrot.
A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, "This parrot costs $500".
"$500? Why is it so expensive?"
"This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"
"really? wow! and how much for the second one?"
"$2000!"
"$2000?"
"Yes, that parrot can dance, sing, say 1500 words, send emails, browse the web, use twitter and type texts you dictate on a computer"
"Wow, fantastic and what about the third one?"
"The third one costs $200,000".
"$200,000 ???? What does he do to cost that much?"
"absolute nothing."
"Nothing? and why does it costs $200,000"
"because the other two parrots call him boss".
The captain's parrot watches every show he does, and after figuring out the tricks, the parrot has started yelling out the secrets of how the tricks are done.
The bird says, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Hey! He's hiding the flowers under the table!"
The magician is enraged. But it's the captain's parrot, so he can't do anything about it.
One day on a long cruise, there is an accident. The boat crashes and sinks. The magician and the parrot find themselves clinging to the same plank of wood in the middle of the ocean. For days neither says anything. Finally, after a week, with no hope in sight, the parrot says, "Okay, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage.
Burglar: So that was all you? Parrot: Yep
Burglar: So whats your name? Parrot: Moses
Burglar: Who in the hell names their parrot Moses? Moses: The same kind of people who name their Rottweiler Jesus.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"
Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."
The Bartender says, "Hey, that is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.
A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.
She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.
The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"
The doctor says "what a magnificent creature, where did you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa there's millions of them"
The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"
"Africa!", says the parrot.
"This parrot hasn't spoke a single word." She complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance to!" Replied the parrot.
At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"
"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the assistant replies.
Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, "What's so Christmassy about him?"
"Well, he can sing Christmas carols," says the assistant.
"Really?"
"Yup," says the assistant. "Lemme show ya. See, all ya gotta do is light a match and hold it under his left foot, like so, and Chet'll go..."
"Awrrk! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul..." Chet sings.
"Wow, that's amazing! Does he do any more?"
"Sure does! Now, if you hold the match under his right foot instead, he'll go..."
"Awrrk! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose..." Chet sings.
Well, now the guy is really impressed, but he has to ask, "Does Chet know any more carols?"
"Oh, sure, he knows one more! See, if you hold the match BETWEEN his two feet, he goes..."
"Awrrk! Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."
A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens,
Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead &
Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer Says: You Horny bastard you deserve this!
The Cock opens one eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout,
let them land...
A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
The bar tender suprised says "Huh, where'd you get him?"
"Africa" said the parrot
"Cool, where'd you get that?" says the bartender. "Africa", replies the parrot. "They're all over the place."
A carrot
The bar tender goes "Awesome, Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa, there's thousands of them there."
A woman goes to a pet shop to get a pet for her husband for their anniversary. The shopkeeper asks "Hi, what can I do for you?"
The woman explains she wants to buy her husband a pet for her anniversary. The shopkeeper says, "Well, I have this parrot that can speak pretty well"
The woman declines and asks "Well... what else do you have?"
"Well I have a dog who will get you the paper everyday." Explains the shopkeeper.
The woman says "No I dont think he would want to walk the dog everyday, what else?"
"In the back I have a frog that gives blowjobs" He says
The woman is pleased "That's perfect! I can get a good nights sleep without having to give him blowjobs at night"
So the woman gives the gift to her husband and explains what the frog can do. That night, the woman slept very well only to wake up in the middle of the night to hear pots and pans downstairs. She goes downstairs to see her husband pulling pots and pans from the cabinets.
"What on earth are you doing!?" She proclaims
To which her husband responds "If I can teach this thing to cook, you're out of here!"
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
He got a woodpecker.
A carrot
That's pretty neat! The bartender says, Where'd you get him?
Africa. Says the parrot.
A woman tells her priest, Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?'
Don't worry, says the priest. I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cage—your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?
One male says to the other, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it?
The parrot says: Africa
The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! Where'd you get it?"
The parrot replies, "In Africa, they're everywhere!"
A carrot. :^)
The bartender says, "wow! That is beautiful! Where did you get it?" The parrot responded, saying, "there are millions of them running around in Africa."
A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale at $160, $150, and $10.
She asks, "Why is the last parrot so cheap?!" and the store owner replied
"It used to live in a whore house."
So the woman laughs and buys the parrot and gets home. When she enters, the parrot says
"WOW, a new whore house!"
Later, the woman's two daughters arrive and the parrot says
"Damn! Two new gals just got hired!"
They all laugh and go to have dinner, which is when the father comes home. The parrot says
"Hey Dave! I see you found the new spot!"
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
Jill's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the work top, and I'll send you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
When the repairman arrived at Jill's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.
When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, "You fool! Just think of the odds we can get next time!"
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.
The man asks, How much is the yellow one?
The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.
What about the green one? the man asks. He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.
What about the red one? the man asks. The assistant says, That one's $10,000.
Curious, the man asks, What does he do? The assistant says, I don't know, but the other two call him boss.
The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I'd like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up and whines sadly.
I'm afraid it's confirmed says the vet. The guy looks at the vet and says But my 5 year old daughter loves this parrot! Please! Are you 100% sure?
The Vet replies We can do one final test . He whistles again and a cat comes into the room and springs up onto the table. T he cat walks up and down the table looking intently at the parrot, then meows sadly and leaves.
"Well I'm terribly sorry Mr Jones but there can be no doubt about it. Polly is dead."
"Well, it's terrible news. Thank you for your time. How much do I owe you?"
"That comes to eight hundred pounds please."
"What?" cried the man in shock, "Why so much?"
"Well" Said the Vet, "Quick, accurate diagnoses don't come cheap. Ordinarily it would nearer to two hundred. What pushed the price up was the Lab report and Cat scan!"
Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably. F this, F that, F you and finally the lady can stand it no more. She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman's outstretched hand. He looks into the lady's eyes and says "Ma'am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?"
A burglar had been planning to rob a couple for awhile. He was sitting outside their house, knowing they would be leaving soon for vacation. They leave, and he enters the house. On the first floor, he's looking around and he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you. He shines his flashlight around, doesn't see anything, and continues to the next floor.
On the next floor, he's looking around and hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you." He shines his flashlight around, doesn't see anything, and goes to the last floor.
On the last floor, he's going through their stuff, and he hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you, and he's not happy. He shines a flashlight around, and sees a parrot.
"So you're the voice I've been hearing"
"Yes, my name is Moses."
"What kind of people name a parrot Moses?" asks the burglar.
The parrot responds with "The same kind of people that name a rottweiler Jesus"
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot, he sees 3 next to each other. He goes to the cashier and says, "How much for the first parrot on the left?" the cashier replies "2000$" " 2000$! What can it do for that price?" "It can write and take notes" the owner says. The man nods and asks the price of the second parrot, "5000$" What can that one do? The man asks again. "Oh that one can use the computer and send emails." The man nods again, "Ok how about the last one?" "The last one? 10,000$." The mans jaw drops. "What can that one do?" The pet store owner shrugs and says "I don't have a clue but the other two call him boss."
The bartender asks him, "Where did you get that thing?"
Parrot says, "Africa."
with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender, all surprised and shocked, said;
- That's cool! Where did you get that?
- In Africa, replied the parrot.
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey! Hey, you!" it said.
"What?" She asked.
"You *know* what!"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper.Then she pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When her husband gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "and get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who can't fly you're a ballsy bastard!"
... approaching the bar, the bartender asks "What can I get for you?"
Immediatedly the parrot squaks and says "Two Budweisers please and a round of drinks for the ladies at the end of the bar".
Totally impressed, the bartender replies "Holy shit, thats amazing, where did you get it?"
Again the parrot squaks and says "Africa.... they got millions of 'em there."
Every night he does tricks for the crew. Unfortunately there is a parrot that belongs to one of the crew members who always say how the tricks are done. This goes on for a few weeks and the two developed a hatred for each other. One night when he is doing a trick the ship unexpectedly sinks. The magician and the parrot survive by floating on a piece of driftwood. They float for a few weeks without talking. Then one day the parrot finally says "ok where the fuck did the ship go"?
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
One day a woman decided to get a parrot. She was in luck, because the pet store had a previously owned one very cheap, but when she got it home she found out why: its previous owner had been a sailor, and the parrot's language was awful. Whatever she tried, it just kept squawking "Fuck off, bitch!" and "Kiss my ass, you stupid cunt!" Finally she got fed up, grabbed the parrot, and threw it in the freezer. There was a torrent of scrabbling and profanity, then all of a sudden it got quiet. She waited a few minutes, then opened the door, and the parrot meekly walked out, head down. "Are you going to keep swearing?" she asked. "No," the parrot whispered, then looked up at her fearfully. "Just tell me one thing -- *what did the chicken do?*"
I'm really worried about my parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on. I hate my life..."
My room-mate's to selfish to notice. He's always crying.
And sits down with a parrot on his shoulder. When the bartender asks what he would like to drink, the parrot answers instead.
"Vodka!" it squawks.
Amazed by the trick, the bartender got him his drink and stood back in awe. A few minutes later, the curiosity became to strong for the bartender and he had to know.
" hey, where did u get that? It's so well trained!"
"Africa" answers the parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
I also taught it to say, "Dave, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "hey that's neat where'd you find him?"
The parrot replies "Africa, they're all over the place."
A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:
"HI GARY!!"
While robbing a home a burglar hears someone say "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something he heard. The burglar asks the parrot "What is your name?"
The parrot says "Moses"
The burglar goes on to ask "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies "The same kind of man that names his rottweiler Jesus."
One says to the other... Do you smell fish?
the bartender says "where did you get that?" parrot says "africa, where else?"
and the bartender says: "hey where'd you get that? It looks exotic." And the parrot says: "Africa."
The bartender asks, "Where'd ya get it?"
The parrot says, "Africa."
(I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)
And lays it upon the examination table. The vet takes one look at the deceased bird and says, 'Sorry Ma'am, but your parrot is dead.' The woman isn't satisfied, and asks for a second opinion. The vet obliges and pokes his head into the next room and calls in a second doctor. A cat saunters in, jumps up onto the table, looks up to the vet with sorrow in his eyes and says, 'Meow.' 'Sorry,' the vet says, 'my colleague says your parrot is dead. The woman still isn't satisfied and wants yet another opinion. The vet, as before, pokes his head into the next room, but this time a dog bounds in, puts its paws on the table, sniffs the bird and barks. 'Sorry Ma'am, but that's three doctor's opinions. Your bird is certainly dead.' 'Alright,' the woman says, 'you win, here's the $50 for the appointment.' '$50?' The vet exclaims, 'You owe me $150 for the extra cat scan and the lab report.'
A lady walks into a pet store and immediately sees a parrot in a cage.
The parrot sees the lady and starts talking to her;
Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!"
Lady: " What is it?"
Parrot: "You're ugly."
The lady gets offended and leaves the store.
The next day the lady comes back to the same pet store and sees the same parrot. The parrot, just like it did the day before, starts talking to her.
Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!"
Lady: "What is it?"
Parrot: "You're ugly."
The lady becomes furious and decided to talk to the manager. She told the manager that if they don't do anything about that parrot she will sue them. The manager apologizes and assures her that it will all be fixed and the parrot won't say anything offensive anymore, for it is a very smart parrot.
The lady returns to the same pet store the next day and sees the same parrot. The parrot, just like it did the last two days, starts talking to her.
Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!"
Lady: "WHAT?!"
Parrot: "...You know."
The bartender says, "Hey - that's pretty cool. Where did you get him?"
The parrot says, "Detroit."
"Oh, new brothel, new dames...cooool ".After a while the daughters come home. The parrot:" Oh, new brothel, new hookers...cooool. "After a while husband comes home. The parrot: "oh, new brothel, new hookers, old friends...hello Bob."
A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?"
And the parrot says: "Africa."
The bartender looks at the parrot and says, "Wow! That's a beauty. Where'd you get him?"
The parrot replies, "Africa".
The bartender says, "Hey, that thing is cool - where did you get it?"
The parrot replies, "Africa."
One asks the other, "Do you smell fish?"
The parrot never knew what hit it...
And he has been told in the pet store, this parrot can say 2 phrases. If you pull a string on its right foot, it would say: "Good morning". If you would pull a string on its left foot, it would say: " How are you?". So this guy decides to test these ones out at home. Sure enough, parrot says: " Good morning" as the guy pulls the right string and "How are you?" as he pulls the left one. The guy is so thrilled about his new pet, but he starts to wonder out loud: " Well, but what would happen if I pulled both of the strings at the same time?" And the parrot goes: " I would fall down, you motherfucker."
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''
It's last words were "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die"
And after bringing it home, she discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears. It calls the woman a slut. When the woman's daughter comes home the parrot shouts "Aeeyy look at the tits on that one." Now the woman is pissed. She phones the place from where she bought the parrot and complains about the parrot. The person apologizes and says the parrot originally belonged in a brothel. The woman though she'd make a decision about the parrot once her husband Dave comes home.
Soon, her husband comes home and the parrot shouts "Hey Dave! Welcome back."
He sneaks in, doesn't even turn on his flashlight and tries to find the valuables.
Suddenly, a voice calls out, Jesus sees everything!"
He freezes in his tracks and tries to locate the voice.
The voice repeats, Jesus sees everything!
The burglar slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a birdcage with a parrot in it.
Oh, just a parrot. What's your name little bird? the burglar asks the parrot.
The parrot answers Moses, I see you like Jesus does."
Hah! So what? says the burglar. "Moses is a dumb fucking name for a bird anyways."
Maybe, replies the bird, but Jesus is a dumb fucking name for a Rottweiler!
A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he flicks on the light switch and discovers a parrot in the corner. The parrot says "Jesus is watching you." The robber replies "are you Jesus?"
The parrot says "no I am Moses."
The robber replies " who calls there parrot Moses?" To which the parrot replies " the same guy that calls his Rottweiler Jesus"
A black guy walks into a bar and he has a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Where did you get that?"
The parrot squawks, "Africa! The fuckers are everywhere over there."
...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender: "Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!"
Pirate: "Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."
A young man decides to take a look around a pet store one morning. As he is walking through the store, he notices a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch. "Pssst, Pssst" the bird said as he motioned the man over to him. "You should take me home, I would make great company". "But you're defective, you have no legs. How do you even stay on that perch?" The man asked. "Aw that's simple" the bird replied. "I just wrap my dick around it, keeps me secure". The man laughed to himself and decided he had nothing to lose and brought his new companion home. When the man returned from work the next day, the bird motioned him over once again, "Pssst, Pssst". The man approached the bird and asked "what's the problem?". The bird replied "I don't know how to tell you this, but right after you left for work your neighbour came over, and him and your wife started kissing, and touching, and rubbing..." "Oh my God, then what happened?!"
"I don't know, I got a hard on and fell off my perch".
A spelling bee
A carrot.
A Carrot
A lady was walking to work and passed a pet shop when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" This made the lady very angry, but she ignored the parrot and continued on her way.
On her way home from work later that day, she passed by the pet shop again, and yet again the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store to talk to the manager, threatening to go to the police.
The store manager apologised profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot never said that again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the pet shop to see if the manager had kept his promise. "Hey, lady!" the parrot said.
"Yes?"
"You know."
As soon as it comes home, it screws all the 153 hens...
The farmer is impressed thinking about the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the young energetic rooster again screws all the 153 hens.
The farmer got tensed up now. Next day, he finds the rooster screwing the ducks & the geese and parrot too which scared the hell out of him. Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says "You deserved it, you Hot little bastard! you deserve this "The rooster opens one eye, points up & says "Ssshhh. Let them land, I've never screwed a vulture in my whole career".....
And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.
She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"
One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"
A carrot.
One says to the other hey, do you smell fish?
A man walks into a pet shop wanting to buy a parrot, he sees the shop keeper and says, "Eh-eh-eh-excuse me s-s-sir, I w-w-want to b-b-uy a-a parrot!".
The shop keeper says, "Ok sir, we have 3 categories here.. On the bottom shelf here, we have parrots who cannot talk at all. On the middle shelf, parrots that can pick up the odd word you say, and on the top shelf.. Well they can talk just like you and me".
The guy walks over to the shelves and looks at them, looking at the bottom shelf he thinks no.
He then looks at the middle shelf, considers it but moves onto the top shelf.
He sees a parrot he likes and says, "I-i-is it true, y-y-y-you can s-s-sp-speak like him and m-m-me?".
The parrot replies, "Speak like you mate? I'd be on the fucking bottom shelf".
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
Too stoned with one bird.
"Alright guys. As you last wish, you get to order a drink. And then you have to shoot that parrot from a three mile distance with this old rifle. If you hit the parrot, you will be released, otherwise we are going to eat you".
American: "Alright, give me a bottle of Coca Cola." He drinks the Coke, aims and shoots. He misses and gets eaten by the cannibals.
German: "Give me a bottle of beer". He drinks, he aims, shoots, misses. Gets eaten.
Russian "Give me a bottle of vodka". The Russian drinks the bottle, aims and - bang - the parrot is dead.
The cannibals are staggered "Tell us, how the hell did you do that?"
"Are you kidding me? With eight barrels, and a sky full of parrots?"
The bartender says, "Where did you get that drunk, fucked up bird?"
The parrot says, "The Rehab clinic in Malibu."
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."
The bartender then says
"Well that's special, where did you get it?"
"Africa" says the parrot
A carrot
A woman brought home a parrot from the pound, and discovered, to her dismay that he loved to swear like a sailor.
One day, after being called a juicy bitch one time too many, she grabbed him, and threw him into the freezer, in order to teach him a lesson.
After a few minutes, she opened the door, and the parrot started talking, still shivering from the cold- "Pardon me, Madam, I am so sorry for how I've acted, and I shall never swear at you again."
She smiled, and fed him a cracker.
He enjoyed the snack, and then said "I must know, however, what the heck did the chicken do?"
It brings back good memories.
And when he gets there, he sees a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch. He walks up to the parrot and asks it how it manages to stay on the perch. The parrot answers: "I have figured out how to wrap my penis around things, so I can remain seated without my legs." The man, intrigued by this decides to buy the parrot and takes it to his apartment. The next day, when he returns home from work, the parrot tells him he has bad news.
"What is it?" asks the man.
"Well," says the parrot, "I was sitting on my perch when your wife came in with the landlord. They started kissing, and he took off her top and grabbed her boobs."
"And then what?" asks the man
"I don't know," the parrot replies. "I fell off my perch."
...and his act kept getting ruined by the captain's pet parrot.
The parrot kept going, " *squawk* It's up his sleeve!" or, " *squawk* It's under his hat!"
One day the parrot did his usual nonsense. " *squawk* He's hiding it in his coat!" The magician whipped out a gun and tried to shoot the bird, but he missed and ended up hitting a fuel tank instead. The tank ruptured and exploded, causing the cruise liner to sink.
The only survivors were the parrot and the magician. After floating around for a while, the parrot broke the silence.
"All right, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"
A woman has a pet parrot and every time she brings home a date the parrot says Someone's going to get lucky tonight! The woman is embarrassed by this so she takes the parrot to the vet, she explains and the vet tells her the parrot is lonely and needs a mate. The woman then goes to the pet store and the only bird they have is an owl. The woman buys the owl in hopes it will work out. On her next date she brings the man home and the parrot says Someone's going to get lucky tonight! The owl says Who, who. The parrot says Certainly not you, you bug eyed bitch.
"That's so cool" says the bartender, "where did you get it?"
"Africa" replies the parrot.
He had just one problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to the door.
Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
He orders a beer.
Popping off the cap, the bartender says Wow! Where did you get that?
The parrot replies, Africa.
He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the fuck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
A man and his wife go into an antique store and start looking around. They walk by the shop owner's parrot who looks at the man and says, "Hey!" The man looked at the parrot and the parrot says to him, "YOU'RE WIFE IS SOOOO UGLY!"
Suddenly the shop owner storms over to the parrot and starts slapping the parrot. "I've told you not to talk to the customers like that! I BETTER NOT CATCH YOU DOING IT AGAIN!" Then the shop owner turns to the man, "I'm sorry about my parrot. He won't bother you again."
So the shopkeeper goes back behind the counter and the man and his wife keep shopping. Then the parrot whispered at the man, "Hey!" The man went over to the parrot. The parrot looked around for the shop keeper and saw that he wasn't around. Then the parrot leaned in and whispered, "You know."
... And the parrot says "Africa, there's fucking loads of them".
After 3 guys finished rock climbing and got to the top of a cliff they met a genie. The genie told them that he could turn them into anything they wanted. Now, near them was a cliff with the ocean. The genie said "run off the cliff and say what you want to be" so the first ran off and yelled "PARROT" and flew away. The second jumped and screamed "TUNA" and fell to the ocean. The third ran off, but just before the edge he tripped on a rock and fell off. "SHIT"
The parrot says 'I got him in Africa, there's tons of them.'
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
A carrot
A carrot
A man broke into a house one night, his goal was to take something small and valuable.
While he was searching through the stuff he heard a small voice "Jesus is watching you."
He stopped for a moment and said to himself "This must be a voice from my old sunday school."
So he continued searching, about 5 minutes later he heard the voice again "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight to the direction and he saw a parrot.
He said to the parrot "What is your name?" The parrot replied "Moses"
The robber then said "What kind of silly people would name there parrot Moses?"
The parrot looked up and said **"The same people who named the pitbull jesus!"**
Five men walk into a pet store and buy a hen, a parrot and a budgie. The next day they head to the top of a cliff, where the first man grabs the hen and jumps off the cliff, falling to his death. The second man nervously clutches the parrot and proceeds to jump off the cliff with it as well, also resulting in his untimely death. Man number three shrugs off the odds of his death, grabs the budgie and also creates a horrible mess on the rocks below. The fourth man observes all of this and admits to the last man:
"I consider myself a brave man, but don't ever expect me to try hen-gliding, parrot-chuting or budgie-jumping anytime soon; it's overrated."
Have you heard the one about the parrot that memorized the entire Bible?
Yeah, appearently the bird is the word.
3 Parrots for sale, £100, £200 and £15 a women asks ''why is one parrot so cheap? The shopkeeper replys ''cos it used to live in a brothel'' the women thinks its funny , so buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says ' flipin heck a new brothel'' the women laughs. Her two daughters come home the parrot says 'flipin heck new prozzies'' the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says bloody hell OP, I ain't seen you for weeks!!
....and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", your just wasting everybody's time.
A Magician, who performs magic tricks on a ship had a parrot which helped him perform his tricks. One day, the parrot died so the magician replaced him with a new one.
On the night of his first show, the parrot would keep giving away his tricks "It's in the hat"..."it's up his sleeve"..."It's under the table"..fustrated, the magician cut his show short. Shorlty after, there was a hurricane and the ship sunk, the magician and the parrot managed to get them selves onto a raft.
The first day passed and not a word was spoken, the magician and his parrot were sat there lookign at each other waiting for help. As day 2 arrised, the parrot is looking around confused and fustrated. Eventually, the parrot turns to the magician and says "Alright, i give up. What have you done with the ship".
A carrot
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks how he got the peg leg.
"Well", says the pirate, "I fell into the sea and had to fight off a shark, but he ate me leg."
"What about the hook hand?" Pirate: "Me vessel got boarded by some scallywags and I lost me hand in the fight."
"Well, how about the eyepatch?"
"Ol' Polly here pooped in me eye!"
The bartender was confused and asked how that could possibly make him lose his eye. The pirate responds: "First day with the hook."
He goes to pet store looking for a parrot that knows the whole English language
Clerk: we only have one parrot like that but he doesn't have legs
Guy: how does he stay on the stick
Clerk: easy he wraps his dick around it
Guy brings the parrot home and hides him in the closet. Tell me everything that happens when I get back home from work. A few hours later the guy comes back home.
Guy: what happened
Parrot: your wife and a man came in
Guy: go on go on
Parrot: they started kissing each other
Guy: go on go on
Parrot: your wife took off her clothes
Guy: oh my God I can't believe it. What happened next?
Parrot: I don't know. My dick hard and I fell of the stick
Bartender says, "wow where did you get that?" Parrot looks at him and says "Africa, there's millions of them."
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks to choose.
The mans asks "How much is the yellow one?"
Assistant: "$2000"
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why is it so expensive. The assistant explains "He knows typewriting and type really fast"
"What about the red one?" The man asks
The assistant says "He costs $5000 becuase he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the Green one?" the man asks
The assistant says, "That one's for $10,000."
The man says, "and what does he do?"
The assistant replies, "I dont know, but the other two call him BOSS."
so she goes to the pet store to get a new friend.
She tells the shopkeeper she would like something she can talk to and possibly bring to church with her, and he suggests a parrot.
She agrees and the next day brings the parrot to church with her.
In the middle of the service, the parrot squawks out, "Jesus CHRIST! It's HOT IN HERE!"
Mortified, she leaves and takes the parrot back to the store and tells the shopkeeper what happened.
He says "Oh, that's no big deal. If he ever does it again, you just pick him up, swing him around by the legs and put him back on his perch. He won't say it again."
The next week, the woman brings the parrot to church with her again, and sure enough, mid sermon the parrot shrieks, "Jesus CHRIST! It's HOT IN HERE!"
So the woman picks the bird up, swings him around and plants him back on the his perch.
"FUCKING WINDY, TOO!"
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus."
A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! That's pretty neat what you got there! Where'd you get it?" Then the parrot goes, "In Africa! Gah! There's millions of 'em!"
A seemingly normal man walks into a pet shop. He has a parrot on his head.
The cashier asks him, "Why is that on your head?"
The man replies, "it keeps the elephants away".
The cashier, bewildered, states, "But there are no elephants here!"
"Then clearly the parrot is working"
There's a magician and a parrot on a cruise ship as part of the nightly entertainment.
Every night, the parrot ruins the magician's tricks by revealing to the audience how they were done. For example, if the magician correctly guesses the card a volunteer is holding, the parrot shouts:
"They're all the same card! They're all the same card!"
If the magician stunningly pulls a rabbit out of his hat, the parrot exclaims:
"There's a trap door in the hat! There's a trap door in the hat!"
One night, the cruise ship sinks. Luckily, the magician and the parrot are able to make their way onto a piece of floating debris.
For the next three days, they say absolutely nothing to each other. Then, on the fourth day, the parrot looks the magician right in the eyes and says:
"Alright, I give up. How the hell did you make the ship disappear?"
John decided to get his wife a Christmas present. Maybe a puppy. Walking in to the pet store, he searches for the right puppy.
"Excuse me sir, are you looking for a Christmas present?" the clerk asked. "Yes, I think she would like a puppy," John replies.
"Here," motioning towards the back of the store, "we have a very special bird, Chet. He sings Christmas carols. See, light a match and hold it under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh." "Perfect," John exclaims.
Molly was home as she hears John knocking on the door. Letting him in, John proudly smiles, "His name is Chet. I got you a singing parrot!" Raising a eyebrow, Molly stares at him. Placing the parrot on his stand, John lights a match. "Listen to him sing when I hold the match under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing again, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh."
"Well, what do you think?" Jon smiles. Molly stood quietly, "What would happened if you hold the match, well, between his feet?"
Holding the match between his feet, the parrot squawks, "CHET'S NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!"
Priced at £170, £150 and £10.
A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."
The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck me, a new brothel!". The woman laughs.
A few hours later, her two daughters come home and the parrot pipes up once more "Fuck me, new girls!". The woman and her daughters both laugh.
Later that evening, the woman's husband comes in from work and once more the parrot ejaculates, this time saying "Fuck me Keith, long time no see!"
I've ran over a lot of animals. Opossums, squirrels, raccoons. Dogs and cats of course. There was this one animal I never could figure out what it was. It yelled "Stop". It must have been a parrot.
NOTSONINJA
I know DOZENS of Racist Jokes. But only a couple (not very good) Racist White Jokes.
For example:
Did you hear about the 2 house fire in Mexico?
Thousands died.
Why do Mexican's drive low-riders?
So they can pick strawberries from their car.
A man walks into a Bar with a Parrot on his shoulder.
The Bartender says: "Wow, that's awesome! Where can I get one?"
The Parrot Replies: "Africa! There's millions of them!"
Seriously though: I love Black People.
I think everyone should own one.
How do Asians name their children?
They throw their pots and pans in their air and record the sounds:
Ping Bang Pow.
How do you blindfold an Asian?
With dental floss.
The only "White Joke" I know is:
White people are born purple.
Then turn pink.
When they're mad, they're red.
When they're sick they're green.
When they're scared they're yellow.
When they're cold they're blue.
And have the nerve to call everyone else colored.
So: Does anyone have any "White Jokes" for me?
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Parrot? Well, here are the best jokes about Parrot to have fun with.