parlor Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious parlor puns

went to a temporary tatoo parlor

it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.

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A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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I'm going to make an all male massage parlor.

I'll call it The Massagynist

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

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A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

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Turned on at the massage parlor.

I finally decided to get a massage last week at a parlor from a gentleman named Alex.

I'm a guy myself but heard he was the best.

Halfway through it was feeling good and I asked him, Is it normal to get a boner during a massage?

Alex said, Yes, happens all the time.

I replied, Great, but can you move so it's not in my face?

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Tatoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.

The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"

The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".

The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.

The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."

The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"

The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."

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johnny in the math class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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Dishonorable Discharge

A Marine gets into his dress uniform and goes to a brothel. The madam says to him "Hello there soldier, show me what you got".
The marine proceeds to drop his pants and says "watch this... TEN HUT!" and his unit becomes fully erect. He then says "at ease" and it drops. The madam is quite impressed and takes him into the parlor saying "You have got to show this to the other girls"
Arriving in the parlor with about 20 beautiful women in various stages of undress, the marine drops his pants again and says "TEN HUT". once again his manhood stands to attention "at ease" and once again it drop.
The girls start laughing and pointing "do it again, do it again"
Once again the marine says "TEN HUT" and the unit rises. "at ease"... nothing happens "AT EASE"... still rock hard "AT EASE GOD-DAMMIT" ... nothing. So the marine begins masturbating.
"What the fuck are you doing??" shout the women.
The marine replies "any soldier that doesn't follow orders deserves a dishonorable discharge."

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One more Little Johnny joke

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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A teacher was teaching....

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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A prostitute went into a tattoo parlor to offer sex for a tattoo

She was hoping to go Tit for Tat.

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Beautiful Buns

From my father.

So there was this man and woman whom had been married for many years and were still very much in love. Their anniversary was coming up and the wife wanted to do something very special for her husband and comes up with a wonderful gesture.

She goes to a tattoo parlor and explains to the artist, "Every morning, for all the years we've been married, my husband grabs my behind and says 'what beautiful buns you have' so i would like to get a tattoo where is says 'beautiful' on one cheek and 'buns" on the other".

The tattoo artist agrees this is a wonderful gesture but says "unfortunately it will look uneven since you have such small buns".

Disappointed, the wife finally comes up with an idea, "well... what if we just but a 'B' on each cheek, it's only for my husband to see and he'll know what it means?"

The artist thinks is a wonderful compromise and proceeds to ink out eloquent B's, one on each cheek.

The wife goes home and is excited to share with her husband. A couple of days go by and finally it is the night of their anniversary. After a nice dinner and a little dancing they arrive back home.

"My lovely husband," she says, "because i know how much you love my beautiful buns, i got you something very special for this anniversary."
She then turns around, undoes her jeans, slips them down, and bends over to show her husband her amazing gift.

"So," she asks "what do you think?"

"It's great" he says "but who the hell is Bob?"

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The Singing Blowjob [NSFW]

So this man go to a massage parlor to get a back massage. After the massage, the masseuse offered him a singing blow job. Intrigued, the man accepts. So the masseuse turned off the lights and started giving him a blowjob. Shortly after beginning she starts singing, in a clear and coherent manor. The man was baffled. The next week he decides to go back and find out how she does it. He goes in and gets the same thing. The masseuse does her thing, turns off the lights, and starts giving him a blowjob. When she starts singing the man turns on the lights and sees a glass eye on his lap.

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An albino guy walks into a tattoo parlor...

...the tattooist looks him over, and asks "So... what do you want?"

The albino guy replies, "BEIGE. EVERYWHERE."

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one sucking her ice cream

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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The new Tattoo parlor across the street is free if you show boobs...

...Tit for tat.

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It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...

As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What's that?" I asked.

"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."

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So B.B. King's wife decides to get him something special for his birthday....

Blues guitar legend B.B. King's wife goes into a tattoo parlor and wants to get B.B. something special for his birthday. She decides to get his initials tattooed on her body. To be even more special, she gets one "B" on her left buttcheek and the other "B" on the right buttcheek.

Later that night after his show, he walks in the front door. There his wife is standing, buck naked, spreading out her ass, showing off her new tattoo.

He looks at her and asks, "Who's BOB?"

**thought this would be appropriate in regards to all the "bad tattoo" threads on the front page...

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Penguin experiencing car trouble

Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back.

To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the body shop.

"Well," says the mechanic, "looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," says the penguin -- "It's just ice cream."

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A Penguin took his car to the shop

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out.

The mechanic said it'll be about an hour so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers.

He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "No, it's just ice cream."

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How do you clear out a Japanese bingo parlor?

B-29

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An old man walked into an ice cream parlor...

He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"

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A young couple's anniversary is coming up.....

...and the girl decides to get a Beach Boys tattoo because her boyfriend is a huge fan. So she goes to the tattoo parlor and asks how much will a tattoo of a verse from her boyfriend's favorite song will cost. The tattoo artist tells her a price, which is too much for her. She then asks how much a tattoo with the Beach Boys logo is. The guy tells her a price, and again she responds that she cannot afford it. Disappointed, she is about to leave when the tattoo artist tells her that he can tattoo a 'B' on each cheek that is in her price range. The girl agrees and gets the tattoo.

On their anniversary, the couple goes out to dinner and comes back. The girl tells her boyfriend that she knows how much he likes the Beach Boys and tells him that she got a tattoo for him. She pulls down her pants and bends over. The guy looks at it, and then asks "Who the fuck is Bob?"

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I asked the owner of a bondage parlor if I can have a tour of the place...

...He said he was tied up at the moment. He had to show the new girl the ropes.

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A penguin is having some car trouble

So he takes his car to a local mechanic for repairs. The mechanic tells the penguin that it will take about an hour to check and find out what is wrong with his vehicle.


The penguin goes to the waiting room and becomes very bored and antsy. He looks out the front window of the mechanic's shop and sees and ice cream parlor across the street and decides that will be a good way to kill some time.


The penguin goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a three scoop cone of vanilla ice cream. Seeing that the penguin doesn't have opposable thumbs it is very hard to keep a hold of the cone and the penguin makes a huge mess. He gets ice cream all over himself.


The penguin looks at the time and realizes he needs to get back to the mechanic's and doesn't have enough time to clean up.


He goes to the mechanic and asks if he found out what was wrong.


The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."


The penguin responds "No, that's ice cream."

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Teacher Joke

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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Little Johnny

In class the teacher notices little Johnny staring out the window. The teacher asked, "Johnny, if there are 3 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Little Johnny replies "None, because the shot scared them all away." "No" says the teacher "there will only be two, but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny asks the teacher "Three women walk out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and the last is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" "The one sucking her ice cream" says the teacher. "Wrong" Johnny says "the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you are thinking"

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A priest goes into a tattoo parlor (NSFW)

And says that he wants to get a tattoo of a fish on his penis. The tattoo artist is taken aback, but agrees to do the tattoo. When the tattoo artist is almost done, he says to the priest, "Father, I'm sorry, I just have to ask- why a tattoo of a fish on your penis??"

The priest calmly replies, "Well, it's Lent, and the nuns don't eat meat..."

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Turkey and a Pine Tree on her inner thighs...

The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?"

She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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What did Mike Wazowski call his tattoo parlor?

Monster's Ink.

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The $1000 Tattoo

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks to get a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. The Tattoo artist is a bit taken aback and tells the guy that he will do it, but it will cost $1000.
The Man agrees and he gets the Tattoo.
however, during the process the tattoo artist becomes increasingly curious as to why this guy wants a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his junk.
when he asks the guy, he says he would rather not say.
After he was finished, he asks the guy one last time, and says that he can have the tattoo for free if he tells him.
So the guy says, Sometimes i like to play with my money, I also like to watch my money grow, and most important of all, If my wife decides to blow $100, she can stay home.

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Tit for Tat

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that student isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" student says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Student says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." student asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Student says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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Wedding ring

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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Little Johnny isn't paying attention in class...

So the teacher asks him, "If there are three birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny replies "None." The teacher asks why and Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them off." The teacher says, "The answer is two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny then asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher replies, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny replies, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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What are the most funny Parlor jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Parlor? Well, here are the best Parlor dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Parlor pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes