Parking Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

Parking a single car doesn't require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"

Love is like looking for a parking spot

Everything good is taken and it's frowned upon to go into the handicapped ones.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today.

They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

Elon Musk: Did you move my car?

Team: Yeah.

Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?

Team: Parking!?

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

Punctuality....

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Why are most women bad at parking?

Because they have been constantly lied to about what 6 inches are

At the spelling bee

Judge: Your word is "there."

Me: In a sentence please.

Judge: They're parking their car over there.

Women are like parking lots.

The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.

What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?

Legs

My sex life is like looking for a parking spot...

The best ones are always taken and when nobody looks I'll just take the disabled one.

Women are like car parking spaces...

Usually, most of the good ones are taken....
So once in a while, you gotta stick it in a disabled one

How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?

There's a parking meter on the roof.

Women are like parking spaces....

All the good ones are gone, so every now and then when no one is looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

i got complimented on my driving earlier

they left a note on the car saying parking fine

Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!!

I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.

Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.

Fifty clowns got fired from the circus.

Luckily, it freed up three parking spots.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.

Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.

Doctor: Ok let's start with the good news

Doctor: Your son will always find an available parking slot.

My dad was trembling when I told him me and my brother had gotten hired as valets.

I guess he really didn't like the idea of having parking sons.

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.

"Never mind. I found one."

Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

My sex life is like finding a parking spot

My sex life is like finding a parking spot in town.

All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one.

There was a Jewish businessman

There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."

People don't usually compliment me on my driving...

But today I saw a note on my car that said "PARKING FINE". That was nice of them.

...

I'll escort myself out.

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

Women are like parking spaces...

Normally, the good ones are taken so occasionally, when nobody is looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

The wardens at my University were always so nice.

They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".

Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.

Drunk people are always fascinating

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "

You know why women are bad at parking?

Because they are constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

Parking...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.

In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.

The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Gay guys know everything...

A gay guy and a straight guy are in a car and stuck at a stoplight for a very long time. The gay guy looks at the straight guy and says

"I'm going to go, it's going to turn green anyways."

the gay guy goes and it turns green. The straight guy says,

"how'd you do that."

"Gay guys know everything." said the gay guy.

Then the two go to the mall and while they're in the parking lot the gay guy stops the straight guy and says.

"I bet you in about 4 seconds 5 hot girls come around that corner over there."

About 4 seconds later 5 hot girls walk around the corner. The straight guy says,

"how'd you do that?"

the gay guy says yet again.

"Gay guys know everything."


*At this point in the joke you say to the person "Then the two guys go up these things that are a lot like stairs but they move?" Struggle to think about what they are called and hopefully the person you're telling the joke to says "escalator." Then you say*







"Gay guys know everything..."

The police recently complimented me on my driving

They left a note on my windscreen which stated Parking Fine

How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?

A lot.

Itchipussy

A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:

Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.

Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.

I'm bored

Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.

What do you call a frog in the no parking zone?

Toad

What a dumb blonde... wait...

*Blonde goes into a bank

Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.

Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.

Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)

*Blonde leaves

Bank-teller(laughing): She's so stupid! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,000 loan.

*Bank-teller parks car in secret underground parking garage. Then he does research on the blonde and finds out she's a multimillionaire.

Bank-teller: She's an idiot! Why would she borrow $5,000 if she's a multimillionaire?


*Two weeks later

*Blonde comes back and pays bank-teller $5,000 with $15.41 interest

Bank-teller: Why would you borrow $5,000 and leave an expensive car here if you're a multimillionaire?

Blonde: Where else in New York City can you park a $100,000 car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it not to get stolen?

*

Women are like parking spaces

The good ones are taken and the available ones are disabled

20 Tons of Canaries



There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door.
The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."

It's not often people compliment my parking....

but the other day, I came back from work and saw a piece of paper on may car that said "Parking Fine". That was nice of them!

Irishman looking for a parking place

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Somebody finally complimented me on my parking today!

I got a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine".

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex.
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

What are the funniest parking jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Parking? Well, here are the best Parking puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Parking pick up lines to share with friends.

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