Park Bench Jokes
107 park bench jokes and hilarious park bench puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about park bench that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Park Bench Short Jokes
Short park bench jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The park bench humour may include short picnic table jokes also.
- Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeon?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread. - What's the difference between an art student and a park bench? A bench can support a family.
- Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"
Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."
Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer." - My impression of 2 old nearly deaf guys at the park sitting on a bench together. Old guy 1. Boy, it sure is windy.
Old guy 2. No it's not! It's Thursday!
Old guy 1. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer. - What's the difference between an American and a park bench? Nothing, neither of them can support a family of four.
- What's the difference between a musician and a park bench? A park bench can support a family.
- Two old Jews were sitting on a park bench... ...one of them says, "Abie, I heard about the fire at your warehouse, I'm so sorry."
Abie says "Shhh...it's tomorrow." - Two old guys sitting on a park bench... Beautiful day, sitting there quietly when suddenly...
"It's nice out."
Other guy looks over...
"Yeah well, better put it away before we're arrested." - What's the difference between an English teacher and a park bench. A park bench can support a family of four.
- Two old men are sitting on a park bench in the summer... One turns to the other and says "it's nice out isn't it?"
The other replies "yes, I think I'll take mine out too"
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Park Bench One Liners
Which park bench one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with park bench? I can suggest the ones about park and bench.
- Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.
- A priest and a rabbi are sitting at a park bench
- What do you call a p**... that jumps over a park bench? ParkWhore
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Park Bench Jokes
What funny jokes about park bench you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean picnic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make park bench pranks.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.
She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having s**... on a bench.
The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm... they are making cakes. now come on, we'll go to the Zoo"
At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having s**.... Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes. Thats it we're going home"
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "What? How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me o**... s**..., the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.
The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”
The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”
The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”
The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”
The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is l**... her cone, another is biting it and the third one is s**... it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one s**... her cone.”
To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
I sat next to a man on the park bench.
He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man "you sure do have a lot of time on your hands."
An old man in tears
A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"
Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."
The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."
What's in a name?
A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.
Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.
"It's a great time-saver, I can just yell JAYDEN, time for bed", and they all will come running".
A perplexed look crossed the face of the first woman But don't you find it a little confusing? What if you only wanted to call one specific child, the second youngest, or the oldest? How do you get just their attention?
Simple… said the mother of eleven …then I just call them by their LAST names
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench...
A young man passing by decides to help:
"What's wrong?" said the young man.
"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man.
"I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man.
"Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday after I wake up in the morning, we have wild s**.... Then she leaves for work" the old man said.
"That's not bad" the young man said.
"Well, when I she gets home, she makes my meal and gives me a b**.... After we eat, we have more wild s**...." the old man said.
"If you are having s**... all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.
"The problem is I forgot where I live!"
For all you band geeks out there.
One day, God decided to descend from heaven to talk to his children. He was walking down the streets of New York when he finds a man crying on the curb. God asks, 'My son, what is wrong?' The man answers, 'I've been blind since birth and have never been able to see the sunrise.' So God touches him and he is healed. In Nashville, God finds another man crying on a park bench. 'My son, what is troubling you?' 'I've been crippled since birth and have never been able to run.' So God reaches out, touches him, and the man embraces him and runs off. While walking through Orlando, God finds another man crying. He asks, 'My son, why are you crying?' 'My Lord... I am a band teacher...' So God sits down next to him and cries.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old men, one French and one Spanish were sitting on a park bench.
When a beautiful young girl in a miniskirt walks by. Just as she passes them a breeze comes along and lifts the girl's skirt up revealing she's not wearing p**.... The French man looks at the Spanish man and says "C'est la vie" and the Spanish man exclaims back "Se la vi, tambien."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten
Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;" to which the teacher replies "No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think." So then Johnny asks if he can pose a question to the teacher. She agrees to answer Johnny's question.
Johnny says, "There are three women sitting on a park bench, eating popsicles. The first woman is just looking at the popsicle, not really paying it any mind. The second woman is biting the popsicle, taking off large chunks at a time. The third woman is slowly s**... on the popsicle, moving it in and out of her mouth, slowly and rhythmically. Which woman is married?"
The teacher blushes and says "Well, if I have to guess, I suppose it would be the third woman."
Johnny says, "Actually, it's the woman with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
George and Mildred
It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"
Two men sitting on a bench
Two elderly men get together every sunday on the same park bench. The one man turns to the other and asks: "What do you prefer boxers or briefs"
The other man replies " Briefs. What about yourself?"
The first man answers: "Depends"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Making cakes
A little girl and her mom were walking through the park when they saw two teenagers having s**... on a bench. The little girl asks her mom, "Mom, what are they doing?" The mom says, "They're making cakes."
Later, they go to the zoo. They see two monkeys having s**.... The little girl asks her mom, "Mom, what are they doing?" The mom says, "...they're making cakes."
They go home and wake up the next morning. The little girl goes to her mom in the kitchen: "Mom, you and dad made cakes last night..."
The mom asks, "How do you know?"
The little girl says "...I licked the icing off the couch."
Two women are sitting on a park bench
Two women are sitting on a park bench. One says to the other, "Oh, no, tonight's date night".
Her friend says, "What's wrong with that? Date night sounds nice."
The lady replies, "No, it's awful. Every date night my husband brings me flowers."
Her friend is confused and asks, "What's wrong with flowers?"
The woman says, "Well, every time my husband brings home flowers, I have to...lie on my back and spread my legs."
Her friend cries, "Oh my goodness! Don't you own a vase?!"
(from Old Jews Telling Jokes)
Does your dog bite?
Man walking in a park, sees a woman sitting on a bench with a dog at her feet. He walks up to her...
Man: *Does your dog bite?*
Woman: *No*
Man goes and pets the dog, then...
*OUCH!!! I thought you said your dog didn't bite!!!*
Woman: *That's not my dog.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not sure the origin of this but I heard it recently
So there's a black guy a Mexican guy and a bigot sitting on a park bench, the black guy finds a genie bottle, rubs it and genie comes out and says "thank you so much for freeing me! Ill give you each any wish you want!" The black guy says "I want me and my African brothers all to be in peace back in Africa." So he disappears and lives in peace in Africa. The Mexican says "I want all my fellow Mexicans to live in peace in Mexico" so he disappears. The bigot says "so the b**... are all in Africa and the Mexicans are all in Mexico right?" Genie says "yup" so the bigot says "ill have a diet Pepsi"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Black man and a park bench?
A Black man is a sentient creature.
A classic...
A man is sitting on a park bench, enjoying the day. Next to him sits a dog.
A jogger comes by and asks, "Does your dog bite?"
"No," replies the man.
The jogger reaches over to pet the dog, who promptly bites him.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" exclaims the jogger, nursing his hand.
The man looks up at the jogger and says, "I lied."
Italian bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's vigor and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, Do you have any Italian bread?
She said, Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?
He said, I want 5 loaves.
She said, My goodness, 5 loaves …. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.
He replied, I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me.
Baseball heaven?
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Does your dog bite?
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
Which car will you get in heaven?
Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. He says "once, and I am ashamed to admit it." He is given a Toyota Corolla. The angel then asks Tony, and he says "yes, lots of times." He is given an old Morris Marina.
A few days later, Tony sees Greg sitting on a park bench, and Greg is crying. Tony Asks Greg "you were given a Lamborghini the other day, why are you crying?" Greg responds "I just saw my wife, they gave her a pair of roller skates."
A man sits down at a children's park
A man is sitting down at a bench enjoying some lunch during his lunch break. Overhead he watches children frolick and play. But then he sees a group of women quietly discussing (obviously) him.
Then all of the sudden one of the women confidently approaches the man. With an ounce of cockyness, in a bid to lure away the man, the women asks "So, which one is yours?"
The man replies "I haven't decided yet."
Two old people...
Two old people sitting on a park bench. First guy says "hey I just got this new hearing aid. It's great! It's super comfortable, you can't even see it when I'm wearing it and it only cost me $160!"
"Wow, what kind is it?" Asks the other.
"About a quarter to one."
So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day
...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."
Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."
And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"
And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nothing like making cake
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day, and they saw two teenagers having s**... on a bench.
The little girl says "Mommy, what are they doing?" the mother hesitates then quickly says "Umm... they are making cakes. Now come on, we'll go to the Zoo."
At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having s**....
Again she asks her mother, "What are they doing?"
And again her mother says "They are making cakes. That's it, we're going home."
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?"
Shocked, the mother says "What? How do you know?"
She says"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Hopefully this translates well into English..
A man is sitting on a park bench reading a book called "Logic" and another man walking past sits down beside him and asks what logic means..
The man reading the book asks, "Well, do you have an aquarium at home?"
"Yes! I do!"
"So I'm guessing you have fish in your aquarium?"
"I do!"
"And if you have fish in your aquarium, I'm guessing you like animals..?"
"Yes, I like animals!"
"And if you like animals, I would say you like people as well?"
"Yes, I like I people.."
"And if you like people, I guess you like women too?"
"Oh yes, I LOVE women!"
"Well there you go, that's what logic is!"
The man contemplates the answer he received and is satisfied with it and is about to get up to leave, when he asks: "What would've happened if I said that I didn't have an aquarium at home?"
The man on the bench thinks to himself for a minute and answers, "Well, you would've obviously been gay then".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother is walking through the park with her daughter...
when the mother spots two people having s**... on a nearby bench. she tries to hide it from her daughter, but still she notices.
"mommy, what are those people doing?"
the mother thinks for a second.
"they're baking a cake, sweetheart."
the next day, the mother and daughter go to the zoo, where they happen to see two monkeys similarly going at it.
"mommy, are they baking a cake too?"
"yes sweetheart. let' go look at the crocodiles instead!"
the next morning, the little girl comes downstairs and sits next to her mother.
"mommy, did you and daddy bake a cake last night?"
"well, why do you ask?"
"I licked the frosting off the couch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three old guys are sitting on a bench in the park
One says, "Windy today."
Another says, "You idiot, it's Thursday."
The third guy says, "Me too, let's go get a beer."
A couple of hippies are sitting on a park bench...
...when a pair of nuns walks by, one of them on crutches and with most of her leg in a cast. The more outgoing of the two hippies asks, "Oh man! What happened? Are you okay?"
The hobbling nun responds, "Yes, my son. I slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke my tibia. The doctor says I'll have the cast off in two more weeks."
"Far out, man. Well, good luck and, uh, God bless?"
She replies, "Thank you, my child," and they continue on their way.
When they're out of earshot, the first hippie asks the other, "What's a bathtub?"
"How would I know, man? I'm not Catholic."
An old man and an old woman were sitting on a park bench...
...when the old woman looks at the old man and says "I bet I can guess how old you are". The old man looks at the old woman and says, "No way, how are you going to do that?" The old woman says "unzip your pants". The old man unzips his pants and the old woman reaches in and feels around for a few minutes. "You're 83!" she announces. The old man says "That's amazing, how'd you figure that out?" The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a nun were visiting from Ireland to New York City one day...
And heard that in the US they eat dogs. The two decided that "when in Rome", so they took it upon themselves to find this cousine to sample. They were strolling through central park and heard someone yelling " dogs here, get yer dogs!" And found a hot dog cart vendor. They both ordered one each and sat down at a park bench to eat them. The nun unwrapped her dog first and took a look, then turned to the priest and asked, "which part of the dog did you get?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
A man wearing a trench coat with nothing underneath goes walking through the park. He sees two little old ladies sitting on a bench, so he goes over and opens his trench coat with a flourish, revealing everything underneath. One of the ladies has a s**..., the other couldn't reach.
A young boy is sitting in class...
A young boy is sitting in class when the teacher asks the group a question: "Five birds are sitting on a branch. A hunter shoots two. How many birds are left?". The young boy raises his hand and answers: "None. The birds heard the gun shot and all flew away". The teacher explains to the young boy: "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for; but I like the way you think!"
The next day, the young boy comes into class with a question for the teacher: "Miss, three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream: One licks the ice cream. Another licks the ice cream and spits it out. The last one licks the ice cream and swallows. Which woman is married?" A little embarrassed by the question, the teacher answers: "The woman who swallows?" The young boy says: "No, the one with the wedding ring; but I like the way you think!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Great Minds...
A teacher says to her classroom: "There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. You shoot one of the birds...how many birds are left?"
Kid raises his hand and says "None...if you shoot one of the birds, the noise will scare the other two and they'll fly away" The teacher says, "Well that's not the answer we're looking for but I like the way you think!". The kid replies: "Hey Teach, I've got one for you: Three women are sitting on a park bench, all eating Popsicles. The 1st one is l**... hers, the 2nd one is s**... hers, and the 3rd one is biting hers...Which one is married?"
The teacher replies "I don't know: The one that's s**... hers?", and the kid replies "No: The one with the wedding band, but I like the way you think too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"If there are 10 birds on a telephone wire and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Little Johnny excitedly raises his hand and the teacher picks on him.
"There would be none left because if you shoot one then the rest fly away!"
Ms. Teacher responds, "No Johnny, the correct answer is nine birds left, *but I like the way you think!*"
Little Johnny retorts with, "Can I ask you a question Teacher?"
"Well of course you can."
"Okay. There are three women sitting on a park bench each with a lollypop; One is s**..., one is l**..., and the other woman is biting. Which woman is married?"
"Oh my," Teacher says, blushing, "I suppose the one who is s**...."
Little Johnny says, "Nope, the one with the wedding band on her finger, *but I like they way you think!*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day.....
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having s**... on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having s**.... Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
A man is taking a walk in a park.
He sees another man sitting on a bench holding a long pole. He walks up to the man and asks, "Excuse me, are you a polevaulter?" The man replies, "No, I'm a Swede, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny, sitting in class...
...and the teacher asks him, "If you have 3 birds sitting on a power cable and you shoot one with your bb gun, how many do you have left?" "None" replies Johnny. "None?" the teacher inquires as Johnny explains that by shooting one bird, it scares the remaining away. "Well I was looking for the number, 'two birds left', but I like the way you think, Johnny". So Johnny asks the teacher if he can ask her a question and she agrees. "You have three women on a park bench, each eating ice-cream cones. One of them is biting it, one is l**... it, and one is s**... it. Which one of them is married?" Johnny asks. "Well..., I guess the one s**... it?" ponders the teacher. "It's the one with the wedding ring", says Johnny, "but I like the way YOU think".
An engineer sees a fellow engineer on a new bike...
An engineer was walking along one day when another engineer friend of his rides up on a brand new bicycle.
"That is an awesome bike. Where did you get it?" He asks.
"Well," his friend replied "It was the strangest thing. I was sitting on a bench in the park, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, got off the bike and then took all of her clothes off right in front of me! Then she said 'Take what you want!'"
The first engineer replied "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you!"
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician sit at a bench in a park
They see a man walk into a shed. 10 minutes later, two people walk out.
The biologist says "It was reproduction",
the physicist says "It must be bad data",
but the mathematician doesn't say anything.
A few minutes later, someone else walks in the shed.
The mathematician goes "Ok, *now* nobody is in the shed"
On a bench, in the park, two lovers
are kissing passionately. At some point another man sits down next to them and starts staring at the woman.
Eventually, her partner gets fed up by the staring and tells the other man:
- I haven't seen such insolence in my whole life!
- I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you, but I need to ask my wife to give me keys to the house.
People find it fascinating I can lift 180kg from the bench.
Weird, I thought people found it easy to stand up from park benches.
Two old men sitting on a park bench on a winter's day.
One said to the other, 'Cold out, isn't it?'. 'Yes', the other replied, I think I'll put mine back in now.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a crow sits alone in a park...
A single crow sits alone on one of the many benches in the park. Suddenly a second crow comes along and lands next to the one crow. The two crows exchange a mild conversation until they spot a third crow flying overhead. Suddenly they begin to yell at the other crow until it too lands on the bench, and once again they begin to talk for a while. The three crows would chat back and forth until another crow would fly by, where they would turn their focus on getting the other crows to land on the bench. Occasionally one would land only to fly away a couple minutes later. This would continue on and off for a few hours before multiple police suddenly arrive and arrest the crows for attempted m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two people meet in a nursing home.
A 95 year old man meets a 90 year old lady in a nursing home. They start talking and eventually become close friends. They realize that s**... for them probably isn't going to be possible so he asks her if she'll at least stick her hand in his pants and hold it.
So for a few months she'll stick her hand in his pants and hold it for him. They're both happy.
Then one day, she can't find him and she gets a little worried thinking maybe something happened to the old guy. She wanders outside and sees him on a park bench with another woman, and that woman has her hand in his pants! She approaches them and angrily tells him she thought they had something special and asks what the other woman has that she doesn't.
He answers, Parkinson's.
So... this young guy is walking through a park,
So... this young guy is walking through a park, when he comes across an old guy sitting on a park bench, crying. The young guy says "Sir, sir, I see you're crying, what's wrong?"
The old guy says "I was sitting here a week ago when this young, beautiful woman came up to me, we started talking and we really liked each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?"
The old guy says "We started kissing and we couldn't keep our hands off each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "She came back to my place, moved in with me, and now all she wants to do is make love to me 24 hours a day."
The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "I can't remember where I live."
Happiest old man or what
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman
noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old
redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make
love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying!
You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
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I like the way you think ;)
A teacher is with her class and notices one student isn't paying attention. The teacher calls out the student, asking: There are seven birds on a wire and one gets shot. How many are left? The student replies, there would be no birds left because the noise of the one getting shot would scare the other birds off.
The teacher replied "Well the answer was 6 but I like the way you think. the student says, Now I have a question for you: There are three women on a park bench and they all have ice cream. One women is l**... the cone, the other one is shoving the whole thing in her mouth, and one is biting the cone. How do you know which one is married?
The teacher, blushing, replies, I guess the one shoving the whole cone in her mouth.
The student replies, No, its the one with the wedding ring but i like the way you think.
A blind man is sitting on a park bench.
A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"
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A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting on a bench at the park...
A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a bench at the park. They both watched with interest as a troop of boy scouts marched by on a nature walk. Through the side of his mouth, the priest murmurs to the Rabbi, "I'd sure like to screw those boys over there..."
To which the Rabbi replies, "Screw them out of what?"
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A black guy dies & finds himself at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter....
SP: Before I allow you to enter Heaven, you must tell me something truly extraordinary about your life.
BG: Sheeet, no problem. I was a star NFL QB for 15 years!
SP: One of many. What else?
BG: I have 2 Super Bowl rings & 3 MVP trophys!
SP: These things do not impress me. Uniqueness!
BG: d**.......uh....well, I once made love to a white woman on a park bench during a Ku Klux k**... rally.
SP: WOW! Really? Now THAT is extraordinary! When did this happen?
BG: About 15 minutes ago.
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How do you get 4 old ladies to yell "s**...!"?
Get a 5th old lady to yell "Bingo!"
2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.
Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"
Man 2: "Yup."
Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."
Man 2: "Cool."
Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"
Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."
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Two old dudes are sitting on a park bench discussing their youth and how things have changed. One says to the other one, "these days there is premarital s**..., extramarital s**..., swinging... I never had premarital s**... with my wife, did you?"
The other thinks for a moment and says "What was her maiden name again?"
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I was such an ugly baby...
I was such an ugly baby...My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby. She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow. A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed. He bought a large ice cream and handed it to her. 'Listen, dear,' he said, 'I know you have problems, you don't have to tell me what they are, but hopefully this will cheer you up.' My Mom smiled through her tears and accepted the ice cream. The kind stranger returned the smile then held out his other hand and said, 'And here is a bag of nuts for the monkey!'
Dog bite
A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The man responds "I lied."
Florida Retirement Community...
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. "So you're single?!"
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An old Jew is sitting on a park bench
reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"
Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news."
Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"
Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? It's all good news."
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Three doctors are sitting on a park bench when a man limps past...
The first doctor sees him and says, I've been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.
No way! says the chiropractor, I've had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can't you see how crooked his back is?
Nope, says the orthopedic surgeon. I've had more training than both of you combined and I'm certain that this man has hip damage.
The doctor's arguing grew so loud that the man overheard them. Well gentlemen, he said, All four of us were wrong.
I thought it was a f**...!
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3 nuns were sitting on a bench in the local park
The nuns usually came out here to get away from their convent and get a chance to talk about the attractive men that walked by. This day, however, there was a man who kept watching them from an uncomfortable distance. One of them points him out as he begins to walk towards them. The man is tall, sporting a large trench coat, with long black greasy hair. He walks up right in front of them and undoes his trench coat to reveal a massive e**.... Immediately the first nun looks and has a s**... as well as the second. The third nun tries, but her arms are too short.
Little girl sits crying on a park bench
An kindly old lady stops and asks her what's the matter?
The girl says 'I had six kittens, but my mommy drowned five of them!'
The old lady tries to console her 'That's terrible, dear, but at least you still have one kitten...'
'I know,' replies the girl, 'but she promised I could drown all six.'
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all," the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
Three older women were sitting on a park bench.
One groaned. The one sitting next to her sighed.
The third one looked at both of them and said, "I thought we weren't going to talk about the children."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Two old Jews, sitting on a park bench ...
The one old guys says, "Simon, you just won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"
Simon replies, "Well, I was thinking of going back to the old country and putting up a big statue in the town square."
"That sounds nice. A statue of whom?"
"I'm going to put up a big statue of Adolph h**...."
"WHAT?? Are you meshuggeneh!!?? He killed 6 million Jews!! Why on Earth would you put up a statue of h**...???"
"Oh, I owe everything to h**...! Look ... [rolls up his sleeve] ... he gave me the winning numbers!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.
On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and f**... tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.
"What's your problem, old man?" yells the punk. "Didn't you ever do anything wild and rebellious?"
"Oh, for sure, for sure," replies the old man. "Many years ago, I got drunk and made love to a parrot."
"You see?" replies the punk. "So what are you staring at me for?"
"My apologies," the old man answers, "I was actually just wondering if you might not be my son."
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A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...
Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.
"What's matter?"
"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.
"Um, ah ok, but"
"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.
"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"
"She cleans the house, cooks delicious dinners, we even had s**... ever other day"
"I'm sorry, I really don't understand why would things make you cry. Your wife sounds amazing"
"I can't remember where I live..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An old man is sitting on a park bench
Next to him is a large salt shaker and a bag filled with a bunch of bananas. Periodically the old man takes out a banana, carefully peals it, salts it with the shaker, grimaces, then throws it away in a nearby trashcan.
A woman observes him do this with several bananas and after a while finally can't hold back her curiosity. She asks:
"Old man, why are you peeling and salting these bananas and then throwing them out?"
The old man looks at her, scowling, and responds:
"I g**... hate bananas and I hate salty bananas even more!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An exhibitionist exposed himself to 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.
The first old lady immediately had a s**....
The second old lady tried to ignore it but ended up having a s**....
The third old lady decided she wouldn't touch it.
"When you saw an Asian woman driving, you should have moved a bit away from the road",
Said the doctor to an injured man.
Injured man: "What road? I was napping on a bench in a park"
A Muslim Imam, after years of adherence to the Quran, begins to wonder what pork taste like...
He confesses this temptation to his wife who reaffirms that pork is strictly forbidden by their faith.
One evening, however, he gives in to his curiosity and buys a pulled pork slider on his way back from work. He finds a quiet bench in a nearby park and prepares to take a bite of his sandwich when, out of nowhere, his wife appears and begins to shout at him.
"I told you that this is wrong!" she screams. "Why are you doing this?!!"
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.
.
.
.
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"Why?" replies the man, "I DO IT FOR HARAM BAE"