Parish Jokes

25 parish jokes and hilarious parish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about parish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with the hilarious jokes from Livingston Parish! Read the best Parish Council jokes featured in the Parish Magazine and get to know the humorous side of the Methodist and Presbyterian traditions and confessions.

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Funniest Parish Short Jokes

Short parish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The parish humour may include short vicar jokes also.

  1. When Gregor Mendel did his groundbreaking experiments with pea plants, ... was a classic case of publish or parish.
  2. Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had s**... with to show them how much better you are at it now? I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

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Parish One Liners

Which parish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with parish? I can suggest the ones about village and priest.

  1. A bus full of nuns careened off a cliff They all parished
  2. What do you give a priest who has everything? A new parish!
  3. What do you give a p**... who has everything? A bigger Parish

Parish joke, What do you give a p**... who has everything?

Hilarious Parish Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about parish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean church jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make parish pranks.

A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"
The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"
The Bishop nods his head yes.
The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky "

3 priests at lunch

So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."

Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

A young priest...

A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**... stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a b**...." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**....
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**...?"
And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same as on the street."

A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

There was once a woman...

One day a woman became pregnant, she took the advice of her mother and aborted it. A few weeks later she became pregnant again! She also did what her mother suggested... A few more weeks later she (once again -_-) got knocked up, tired of taking her mothers advice, she went to the local parish priest and said to him "I keep getting pregnant, there must be something in the air"! To which the priest replied "yes... Your legs"

A minister was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish.

An elderly woman of the congregation paid him the compliment of suggesting that his successor would not be as good as he had been.
Nonsense, he replied, flattered.
No, really, she insisted. * I've lived here under six different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last. *

A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, "Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God."

"Thank you," responds the minister, "Why do you say that?"
The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever."

A man gets knocked down outside a parish...

... the parish priest runs out and sees the man in great pain, he also notices the wedding band on the man's ring ringer. He says to him:
"Tell me your name and I will tell your wife", the man replies:
"She already knows it"

local parish

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a b**...." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but b**... was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a b**.... The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

Sophie walks into the church wearing a very low cut blouse.

The parish priest went up to her " you must not enter the house of God unless properly dressed"
" Oh, but I have a divine right"
"You also have a divine left" sighed the clergyman,"but I still have to insist that you should cover up"

The Parish Fast Food Shop

One day, the local parish decided to open a fast food restaurant, so they can make some more money on the side as church attendance was dropping. Being the smart people that they were, they divided themselves so each person does one job.
The fast food restaurant was doing quite well, and the local news channel, since it had nothing better to report on, decided to interview the staff of the restaurant. As they were finishing the interviews, they saw that one priest didn't do any interview, it was shy Father Tim, who was in charge of the french fries.
"So you're the friar yes?" asked the interviewer.
"No", father Tim said,"I'm the Chipmonk"

Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A parishioner at the Church of Recycling goes to confession.

"Forgive me Father, for I have binned."

A boy goes to confessional...

Boy: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 1 week since my last confession."
Father: "What is your sin?"
Boy: "Fornication with a girl in the parish."
Father: "What girl?"
Boy: "I won't say"
Father: "Was it Sally?"
Boy: "I'm not telling!"
Father: "It was Jane, wasn't it."
Boy: "I'm not going to say!"
Father: "It had to be Jessica"
Boy: "Father, I'm not going to tell you!"
Father: "Fine. Do 3 Hail Mary's and sin no more."
Boy leaves confessional and returns to a friend who is waiting for him on the pew.
Friend: "How'd it go in there?"
Boy: "Went great! I got three new leads!"

The priest was walking down the street looking sad.

What happened? asked a parishioner.
I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella.
Here's what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote 'Thou shall not steal' and see who bows his head in shame.
Next week the priest walks happily down the avenue, twirling his umbrella.
The smart parishioner said, I see my advice worked.
Not exactly, said the priest. When I reached 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I forgot it.

Parish joke, The priest was walking down the street looking sad.