paris Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious paris puns

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.

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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

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How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don't know, it's never been done

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I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I'll leave now.

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I had an idea for a movie plot.

A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

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"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."

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classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

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Free shipping?

I walked into an airport with two bags:

"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."

"Sir, you can't do that."

"Why not? It happened the last time."

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Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.

A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ

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A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!

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How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

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French Jokes

Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.

Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.

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Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

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I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess

So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

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This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

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Invisible

My friend just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

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In 2012 Kanye made millions from "Niggas in Paris"

2016 he lost it to them.

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Do you know why Parisians only have a single egg for breakfast?

Because in France one egg is un Ε“uf.

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A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

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Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

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A 93 year-old Army veteran arrived in Paris by plane.

As he was fumbling in his bag for a passport, a stern French customs agent asked if he was in France before. He admitted that he had indeed been previously. The lady then said, "Then you should know to have your passport out and ready, Sir."

The veteran said, "Well, I didn't have to show it last time."

"Impossible!" says the customs agent, "all foreigners have always had to show their passport to enter the country."

The veteran responded "Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!"

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"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

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A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.

"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"

The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank fΓΌr die guten abend"

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Teacher asks Johnny what he want to be when he grows up.

"I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari over a million, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an Infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
"And you, Tanya?"
"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch..."

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Three guys are stranded on a desert island

Suddenly a good fairy appears and tells them: "I will grant each of you one wish".

The first guy says: "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, I just want to be home." His wish is granted.

The second guy says: "I've always wanted to see the world so I wish to be in Paris." His wish is granted.

The third guy says: "Oh man, now I'm all alone :(.
I wish the two other guys back!"

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An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane...

At the immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to find his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the immigration officer asked sarcastically.
"Yes I have" replied the elderly gentleman.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready".
The British gentleman says "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".
"Impossible. British always have to show their passports on arrival in France".
The elderly gentleman gives the officer a long hard look then says "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find a single fucking Frenchman to show it to".

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Murder in Paris

A Frenchman is walking in the Bois de Boulogne forest in Paris when he sees a naked man having sex with a woman in the bushes. He approaches, curious, but notices that she is deathly pale and not moving. Alarmed he rushes off to find a policeman.

"Monsieur! Monsieur!" he shouts, when he finds a gendarme. "I found a man raping a dead woman in the bushes over there."

"Sacre bleu!" shouts the policeman, and rushes off to investigate.

But a few minutes later he returns, smiling wryly, and says, "Non, Monsieur, she is not dead. She is English."

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Two guys are walking in the rain

A speeding car splashes them with water before disappearing.

One guy says to the other, You know if this was Paris, they would stop, take you to their house, take your wet clothes, offer you drinks, and let you spend the night.

No way! says the other guy.

Yes way, says the first guy. It happened to my wife.

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An Englishwoman who marries a Frenchman goes to live in his Paris apartment

One day she goes out to buy groceries, but since she doesn't speak French and the butchers don't speak English, she rolls up her dress to indicate she wants some chicken thigh, which gets the message across.

The next week, she goes out and pulls down her top to indicate she wants chicken breasts, which again gets the message across albeit with a few laughs from the staff.

The week after that, when she wanted to buy sausages she brought her husband along to the butcher's, because he could speak French.

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Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"

"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."

"Majestic."

"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"

"Majestic!"

"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."

"Definitely majestic!"

"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"

"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking horseshit'"

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Princess Diana Jokes

What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.

How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.

Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can crash.

How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.

What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

Yes I am a horrible person wow.

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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest penises and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"

"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"

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Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

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What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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After Quasimodo's death....

Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'

'No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'

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What are the most funny Paris jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Paris? Well, here are the best Paris dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Paris pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes