The Best 74 Paris Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Paris jokes. There are some paris passport jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these paris paris hilton puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Paris Jokes and Puns
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.
Some people are named after where they were conceived. For example Brooklyn, Paris...
My friend Ally doesn't agree.
A German lands in Paris...
Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him:
-Occupation?
-Oh, no no, just visiting!
Princess Diana Jokes
What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.
How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.
Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can crash.
How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
Yes I am a horrible person wow.
French Jokes
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.
Paris Hilton recently did a signing for her new autobiography that lasted almost 4 hours.
To be fair she was a bit quicker with the second book.
This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...
... Effectively crippling the French military.
The Amazing City of Paris
During a trip to France, my sister sat next to me on the aircraft. Looking outside the window, I couldn't help but sigh at the amazing beauty of Paris.
Me: "Ah... How I'd love to be born in Paris."
Her: "I wouldn't."
Confused, I asked her: "Why not?"
Her: "Because I don't speak French."
Murder in Paris
A Frenchman is walking in the Bois de Boulogne forest in Paris when he sees a naked man having sex with a woman in the bushes. He approaches, curious, but notices that she is deathly pale and not moving. Alarmed he rushes off to find a policeman.
"Monsieur! Monsieur!" he shouts, when he finds a gendarme. "I found a man raping a dead woman in the bushes over there."
"Sacre bleu!" shouts the policeman, and rushes off to investigate.
But a few minutes later he returns, smiling wryly, and says, "Non, Monsieur, she is not dead. She is English."
classic germans
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
3 jewish moms
3 moms are talking about their sons:
The first one says "my son is so rich that he can buy Paris!", the second one answers "are you kidding me? Mine is so rich that he can buy Paris AND New York!", the third one looks at them and seems surprised, then she says: "and what makes you think my son wants to sell???"
You can explore paris barbados reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean paris comme dad jokes. There are also paris puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Do you know why Parisians only have a single egg for breakfast?
Because in France one egg is un Εuf.
A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop
There is de brie everywhere!
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank fΓΌr die guten abend"
Free shipping?
I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time."
A man from Egypt, a man from Paris and a man from Liverpool are all on a hot air balloon ride
The man from Egypt says "we're in Egypt! I can see the beautiful pyramids". A while later the man from Paris says "we're in Paris! I can see the Eiffel Tower from here". Next, the man from Liverpool spoke. He said "we're in Liverpool! I can see someone stealing my car!".
Two women meet over a coffee.
"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking horseshit'"
"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."
"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."
What do you call the slums in Paris?
The baghetto
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris
You'd be In seine
A german tourist arrived at Charles de Gaulle
The immigration officer greets him, " Bonjour Monsieur, Welcome to paris, Name?"
"Wolfgang Schmidt."
"Occupation?"
"Nein, Tourism."
How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris?
No one knows, it's never been done before
My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess
The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.
"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"
"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."
How many men do you need to defend Paris?
I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I'll leave now.
A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris
And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.
"So, what are you doing in Paris?"
"I'm a scientist, I research sex"
The man is now tempted:
"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"
"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest penises and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"
"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"
Recently, a burglar in Paris...
Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'
I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.
I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess
So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.
Three guys are stranded on a desert island
Suddenly a good fairy appears and tells them: "I will grant each of you one wish".
The first guy says: "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, I just want to be home." His wish is granted.
The second guy says: "I've always wanted to see the world so I wish to be in Paris." His wish is granted.
The third guy says: "Oh man, now I'm all alone :(.
I wish the two other guys back!"
How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows. They've never tried.
We all saw the tape....
Donald isn't the first guy to pull out of Paris
Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...
It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.
I think my wife is cheating on me.
We moved from Paris to New York and somehow we still have the same gardener.
Two germans visit France in the early 50s
Two germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don't want to be thought of as germans, since it's post-WW2. So they practice their english accent for their order. Once it's ready, they go at the bar.
"Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?" asked one of the german.
"Dry ?" asked the barman.
"NEIN, ZWEI !"
What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro?
A Metrognome.
A german stands in the passcontrol in an airport in Paris
Passport officer: Occupation?
German: No, no, only vacation.
A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris
Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Have you seen the floods in Paris?
It's inseine!
Two guys are walking in the rain
A speeding car splashes them with water before disappearing.
One guy says to the other, You know if this was Paris, they would stop, take you to their house, take your wet clothes, offer you drinks, and let you spend the night.
No way! says the other guy.
Yes way, says the first guy. It happened to my wife.
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ
Emmanuel Macron meets Putin and tells him...
"You lack freedom in Russia. In Paris, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them."
Putin gives him a basilisk stare and slowly says:
"In Moscow, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them, either."
How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
I don't know, it's never been done
Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?
it's all over the French press
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?
Murdered in a tunnel in Paris
Son: "Mom! The computer is full of viruses!"
Mom: "Screw the computer! I just won 2 free iPads and a free trip to Paris!"
Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?
Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Quarantine.
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!
Two nuns...
Are cycling the cobbles streets of Paris together.
One turns to the other and says, I've never come this way before .
The other replies, Neither have I but it feels great!
What's the difference between a tick, and the eiffel tower?
Well nothing, after all they are both Paris sites.
Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?
It's called the Grouvre.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess
So I took her to Paris.
We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.
Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.
Last summer I traveled to Paris with a buddy of mine. I suggested we could visit one of the famous parisian brothels, but he decided to spend the evening reading his philosophy books.
He really put Descartes before the whores.
I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris
It turns out that idea was taken
How many men does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows, it's never been tried.
I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...
The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.
Mother and son
Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad.
Liam: I like you both.
Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go
Liam: I will go to paris.
Mother: That's means you like dad more
Liam: No, its because i like paris
Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go.
Liam: I will go to America.
Mother: Why
Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.
What would high definition be called if invented in Paris?
The French resolution!
Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? Husband: A trip to Paris. Wife: Wow! That's wonderful! How about for our 50th?
I'll pick you back up.
Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.
Now all I have is pain.
I tried climbing that tower in Paris..
but Eiffel.
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?"
***"They're both Paris sites."***
*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They are both Paris sites
A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs
Customs agent: "Name?"
German: "Hans."
Agent: "Home city?"
German: "Dusseldorf."
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."
Credit to pjabrony
What do leeches and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both Paris sites!
Was in Paris the other day when a screaming naked guy barged past me and jumped into the river.
He was inSeine
I tried to climb a really tall tower in Paris, France.
But Eiffel off.
I met a beautiful woman in the museum in Paris
I think I'm in Louvre.
Air Postal Service
A man sets down three pieces of luggage at a very famous **International Airlines** (*that shall not be named*) check-in counter and says, "I want the brown bag to go to London, the black one to go to Paris," he said. "And keep the third bag here till my return from Australia next week for pick up."
The check-in clerk blinked. A supervisor standing behind him overheard the request and came up. "I am sorry sir, but we are not the **post office**," he said, "we can't do that."
"Why not?" the irate passenger said, raising his voice, "That's what you did the last time!"
A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license?
No , said the woman. You need a plane
You know what they call a foot fetish in Paris?
They got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the hell a foot is.
Did you hear that Paris Hilton has agreed to climb Mt. Everest?
It's being called the Paris climb it agreement.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the paris merci jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working paris parisian piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.