The Best 96 Parents Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Parents jokes. There are some parents dad jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these parents why parents get gray puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Parents Jokes and Puns
My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.
Turns out my parents weren't even related.
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.
It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.
Father: Son, you were adopted.
Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Little Boy Prayer
A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
Who is this Rorschach guy???
And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
-Rob DenBleyker
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
You can explore parents paternal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean parents custody dad jokes. There are also parents puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I wanted to have a threesome..
..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.
My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
How can you tell my parents are abusive?
Beats me
I never want to have a threesome,
If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.
Which sex position produces the ugliest kids?
Ask your parents.
Threesome? No thanks
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.
My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.
My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me
I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...
It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."
My parents found an S&M magazine under my brother's bed...
My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."
I saw a raggedy little boy on the street and asked him if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
Why do midgets make bad parents?
Cause they struggle to put food on the table
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
I was wondering what my parents did without the internet
and none of my 7 siblings could tell me
Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.
My mom is such a bad actress.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
I've decided to marry a pencil
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
People say to me Jesus was not Jewish
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
Two sisters
There were once two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because just after you were born, a petal fell on you."
"Bllaaarrarararraraaarg", says Fridge from the corner.
My parents just said they want another child.
"I'd love a sibling!" I said.
"That's not what we meant." they replied.
Person asked me If I wanted to have a threesome
I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...
And that's just for the alcohol.
My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..
When I went downstairs the debate was on.
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
My parents always warned me about having sex before marriage...
But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...
Fortunately they missed.
My girlfriends parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
Chinese kid was born before the due date
Parents named him Sudden Lee.
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me
My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...
She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.
It was an autobiography...
I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up
Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
My girlfriend's parents are very religious
The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.
Gay parents are awesome!
* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"
I just turned 18 and my parents tried to surprise me with a car
They missed
My friend and I started replacing the word 'in' with 'inside'.
For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".
One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".
I responded,
"it's an inside joke".
I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."
"Okay, that's fine." they replied.
I added, "Your luggage is outside."
My parents treat me like a god.
They dont believe in me.
My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24
What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.
Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the sex.
Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.
What do you call a child with redheaded parents?
Ginger-bred
A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"
When i was born I was so mad at my parents
I didn't talk to them for two years
Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"
"Your parents when you move out."
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.
Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.
Smart first grader
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?
Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.
Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?
Then I'd be a football fan.
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement?
My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
I told my Asian parents that i am Asexual
They were disappointed that i wasn't A+sexual.
I had a tough conversation with my parents
Dad: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Dad: water
Me: water who?
Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.
I googled "Rorschach Test"
But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting
My parents told me ANYONE could become president.
I didn't know it was a warning.
I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.
My parents did.
Teacher at parents meeting :
- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!
The mother :
- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??
- He said he got it from his best friend.
The father, wiping a happy tear :
- My boy really said that ... ?
My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed
He was going to tell his parents
My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.
Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.
What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?
I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.
Also, my parents are real.
What sexual position creates the ugliest children?
Ask your parents.
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"
Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son"
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
Father: Son you were adopted
Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents
Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman
Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
Hey baby are you my GPA?
Because you look like you'd disappoint my parents.
Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.
Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
My parents named me after my older brother.
And before my younger brother.
How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?
They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.
I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...
...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.
Timmy wants a watch
Timmy notices Tommy has a new watch when he sees him in the playground. Where'd you get the watch? Asked Timmy. Tommy replied, I walked in on my parents having sex. When my dad saw me, he threw me his watch and told me to get out.
Timmy thought this was a great idea. So, that night when his parents were going at it, Timmy made his move and walked in on them mid-stroke. Timmy's dad sees him and yells what do you want!?! I wanna watch says Timmy. His dad sighed and said, Alright, go stand in the corner.
Batman party
Teenaged son: dad I want to have a Batman party with my friends
Dad: aren't you a bit old for a theme party ?
Teenaged son: no. The theme is, No Parents.
being an asian kid is tough,
i got frowned by my parents because i got B+ for my test
it was blood test
Daughter asked me why she can't just quit school..
And I told her parents are required by the law to send kids to school and if they don't then they'll go to jail for breaking the law. My sweet child with a solemn look on her face looked me in the eye and said Mom I'll visit you.
My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots
What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways
All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.
What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?
My parents are very unfair... they scolded me for something I didn't even do!
My homework.
Little Johnny is in school and they have show and tell.
The teacher asks the class to tell about something that happened in their family recently. When it is Johnny's turn. he walks to the board and draws two periods ". ." The teacher asks him to explain. He says"My sister missed these and my parents are real upset."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the parents boy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working parents grandparent piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.