Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Parents puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
Turns out my parents weren't even related.
It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.
Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"
It was an autobiography...
Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
I didn't know it was a warning.
My parents did.
Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son"
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Ask your parents.
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.
She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting
They dont believe in me.
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
-Rob DenBleyker
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
There were once two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because just after you were born, a petal fell on you."
"Bllaaarrarararraraaarg", says Fridge from the corner.
They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"
My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either
"Okay, that's fine." they replied.
I added, "Your luggage is outside."
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?
Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.
Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?
Then I'd be a football fan.
Dad: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Dad: water
Me: water who?
Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.
I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
Cause they struggle to put food on the table
My mom is such a bad actress.
..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.
What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.
"Your parents when you move out."
"I'd love a sibling!" I said.
"That's not what we meant." they replied.
I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!
The mother :
- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??
- He said he got it from his best friend.
The father, wiping a happy tear :
- My boy really said that ... ?
But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.
It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."
I didn't talk to them for two years
They were disappointed that i wasn't A+sexual.
My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.
He was going to tell his parents
Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.
When I went downstairs the debate was on.
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents
Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes
My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
I said, "Your parents."
I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.
Also, my parents are real.
Fortunately they missed.
If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.
Beats me
They missed
Ginger-bred
Ask your parents.
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"
and none of my 7 siblings could tell me
My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".
One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".
I responded,
"it's an inside joke".
And that's just for the alcohol.
So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.
I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
"I want to be a history major," he says.
The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"
The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."
The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."
The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."
Knowing that you'll never make your parents proud.
Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."
If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at once, I'd just talk to my parents.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.