Parents Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Parents puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Parents

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.

Father: Son, you were adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"


Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

My parents told me ANYONE could become president.

I didn't know it was a warning.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

Having gay parents must be terrible

Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

What sexual position creates the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

Having gay parents must be horrible

You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

I googled "Rorschach Test"

But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting

My parents treat me like a god.

They dont believe in me.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."

Who is this Rorschach guy???

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

-Rob DenBleyker

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

Two sisters

There were once two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because just after you were born, a petal fell on you."

"Bllaaarrarararraraaarg", says Fridge from the corner.

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement?

My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?

Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.

Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?

Then I'd be a football fan.

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Dad: water

Me: water who?

Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

Threesome? No thanks

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.

Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

Person asked me If I wanted to have a threesome

I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

Why do midgets make bad parents?

Cause they struggle to put food on the table

Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

I wanted to have a threesome..

..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

My parents just said they want another child.

"I'd love a sibling!" I said.

"That's not what we meant." they replied.

My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me

I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Teacher at parents meeting :

- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother :

- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??

- He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

- My boy really said that ... ?

My parents always warned me about having sex before marriage...

But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.

A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"

"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."

When i was born I was so mad at my parents

I didn't talk to them for two years

I told my Asian parents that i am Asexual

They were disappointed that i wasn't A+sexual.

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

My girlfriend's parents are very religious

The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the sex.

Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.

My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..

When I went downstairs the debate was on.

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents

Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me

My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

I saw a raggedy little boy on the street and asked him if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?

I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.

Also, my parents are real.

My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...

Fortunately they missed.

I never want to have a threesome,

If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.

How can you tell my parents are abusive?

Beats me

I just turned 18 and my parents tried to surprise me with a car

They missed

What do you call a child with redheaded parents?

Ginger-bred

Which sex position produces the ugliest kids?

Ask your parents.

I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.

"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.

I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:

"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."

Little Boy Prayer

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"

I was wondering what my parents did without the internet

and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

My parents found an S&M magazine under my brother's bed...

My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

My friend and I started replacing the word 'in' with 'inside'.

For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".

One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".

I responded,

"it's an inside joke".

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...

And that's just for the alcohol.

My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me

So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight

I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in

"I want to be a history major," he says.

The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

What's the toughest part about being Batman?

Knowing that you'll never make your parents proud.

It must suck being raised by gay parents.

Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."

I'm not that into threesomes

If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at once, I'd just talk to my parents.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes