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Parents Evening Jokes

102 parents evening jokes and hilarious parents evening puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about parents evening that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Parents Evening Short Jokes

Short parents evening jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The parents evening humour may include short parents weekend jokes also.

  1. I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
  2. One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore.. It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
  3. I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister. Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.
  4. My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood. They didn't have real hardship.
  5. My parents are very unfair... they scolded me for something I didn't even do! My homework.
  6. My grandparents, parents, and even my siblings have chronic diarrhea... runs in the family
  7. Batman is so scary, even bullets are afraid to hit him. That's why they aimed for his parents.
  8. I remember my parent's reaction when I brought home my first A+ on a test It was something like Who's Lily and You aren't even in AP Biology
  9. I saw a kid crying in the corner once. I asked it where are your parents, it cried even more. Man I love working at an orphanage.
  10. One day, I saw a little girl crying alone, so I asked her, where are your parents? Then she started crying even more. Sometimes I hate working at an orphanage.

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Parents Evening One Liners

Which parents evening one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with parents evening? I can suggest the ones about parent teacher and meeting the parents.

  1. My parents are so poor They can't even pay attention to me
  2. Even though I was born visible... I identify as trans-parent. My pronouns are who/where.

Parents Evening Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about parents evening you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean family day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make parents evening pranks.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back."
"He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did."

A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son.

I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
“b**..., you know his parents are pressing him!”

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating.


The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.
The father replied, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”
The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water.
Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual m**....
Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.
The dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, “Well, son, we are making you a little brother.”
The little boy replied ,”Please turn Mom over, Dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.


They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

A girl started noticing a guy who stands in front of her home everyday in the evening.


She noticed the guy always comes mostly in the evenings and weekends.
The guy never tried to talk to her nor showed any gesture, he just moves here and there by looking into his mobile phone and occasionally stealing a stare at her.
It went on like that for a year and the girl understood the guy was in love with her but was too shy to express his feelings.
So, she told her parents.
They too saw him and liked him.
They discussed with her grandparents about a likely marriage.
But wanted her to make the first move.
The next day, she went to him and said, Hi. I'm Jada.
He said, Hi. I'm Smith.
Hearing this, the girl was very happy as the names were matching like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.
The girl went on and said, I really appreciate your patience and decency.
You have been standing in front of my home everyday for about a year now.
So, I understand that you are in love with me but too shy to say it.
I think i really like you too and would love it if we get married.
The guy smiled and said, Forgive me sister! Actually your home's WIFI doesn't have a password. So, i come here every evening after work to use free wi-fi to chat with my girlfriend.

There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.

I couldn't join the k**... if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" and I felt really special. Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" and i replied ''Okay!'' She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling,, "SURPRISE!!!"
...while I was waiting on the sofa... n**...

An arab child

Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. "What is your name?" – asked the teacher. "Jassem"- answered the kid. "You are in America now, From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" – asked his mother. "My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" – and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him. The next day Jassem returned to school.. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."

A young couple is going to have dinner...

A young couple is going to have dinner at the girl's parents' house, and after that, they plan to have s**... for the first time. The boy goes to buy a c**... from the pharmacy before going to his girlfriend's house. Obviously, as a v**..., he has no idea what he's doing. The pharmacist there sees the boy and goes to give him help. Soon they have been talking for over an hour as to which condoms are best. The boy buys a c**... and thanks the pharmacist for all of his help.
The boy then goes off to his girlfriend's house for dinner. He says hi to the father and mother, but quickly suggests they say Grace. Even after the father as finished saying Grace, the young boy keeps his head down, first for a minute, then 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, and then a half-hour has gone by. The girl leans over to the boy and whispers "You never told me you were so religious" and the boy responds "You never told me your dad was a pharmacist"

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit s**...," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

Mark's dating woes...

Mark was having a problem dating girls in that every time he invited one to his parents' house to meet his parents his mother showed a strong dislike towards her.
So, one night when out with his buddies, Mark confided to his friend, David, this problem. David took a drink of his beer and told his friend, "If you want your mother to like your girl, find someone who shares common interests with her."
About a month later, Mark and David were in the pub again and Mark was again lamenting to David his problem. "Did you take my advice?" asked David. "Yeah, it was going great, too. I brought her to my parents' house and she and Mom hit it off, talking and laughing the entire evening." David was puzzled. "So what happened?" he asked.
Mark took a drink of his beer. "My dad can't stand her."

Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

A man was driving his family home from visiting his wife's parents in the country. After a few minutes she looked over at him and noticed he was crying.

"What's wrong, dear?" she asked.
"I was thinking about that day at the video arcade when we met," he said softly.
She smiled, "Yes, I remember that."
"You told me you were 18, but you were really 16."
She giggled, "I remember that too."
"You talked me into taking you to the drive-in that night."
She grinned. "Yes, I know."
"You didn't tell me your dad owned the drive-in, and when he caught us he said if I didn't marry you he'd make sure I went to prison for 20 years."
She laughed. "Yes, but so what? That was twenty years ago!"
He cried even harder, "I know! I'd be getting out of prison now!"

Boy buying his first box of condoms...

A teenaged boy walks into the pharmacy to buy his first box of condoms. He doesn't really know what he's looking for though so he decides to ask the pharmacist his opinion.
"What can I do for ya son?" The pharmacist asks.
"Well, I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents at dinner tonight, and she and I agreed that afterwards we'd have s**... for the first time, so I'm getting prepared."
"Well that's not a problem, how many do you need? They come in 3, 6, and 12 packs."
"Well," said the teen, "I'm hoping that our first time is so awesome she'll want more so I'll go with the 12 pack.
Later that evening he arrives at his girlfriend's house and takes his seat at the dinner table. When the time for grace comes up, the boy volunteers to pray. He prays for a long, long time before coming to the amen. His girlfriend leans over and says, "You didn't tell me you were so religious."
He replies, "you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist..."

First time

A boy gets a call from his girlfriend. She tells him her parents are going out for the night so they will have the house to them selves. She then tells him she thinks ready to do it for the first time and that he should get some condoms. The boy is elated and runs over to the pharmacy to get the condoms. It's his first time so he has no idea which sort he has to get. The pharmacist notices the boys inexperience and proceeds to lecture him on the art of putting on condoms, of making love and advices him to buy a pack of twenty condoms. The boy thanks the man for the advice, buys the condoms and leaves. That evening he arrives at his girlfriends house just as her parents are leaving. The girlfriens introduces him to her parents and takes him inside where the boy immediately starts to pray. After ten minutes of fervently beseeching the lord the gril stops him. "I never knew you were so religious." The boy looks at her with fear in his eyes, "I never knew your dad whas a pharmacist."

Two little boys, ages 6 and 8, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 6 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

A young couple adopt a German baby.

A young couple adopt a German baby. He was perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke, not even a word.
One day aged five while the family were having dessert he suddenly says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "Hans you can talk! Why haven't you spoken before now?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family...

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family. He was a very smart boy, but he never did well in school because he lacked motivation. His parents tried everything: meeting with his teachers, one on one tutoring, etc.; however, nothing seemed to help. Eventually, they decided to send him to a private school, thinking a different environment would him good. Unfortunately, there are not many Jewish private schools, so they had to settle on sending him to a Catholic school. Surprisingly, this worked. The parents got his first report card and were astounded: all A's. The parents wondered what brought about the change. They said to their son "You made all A's! Even in math! (previously his worst subject) what changed?" The son replied "When I walked in on the first day and saw the Jewish guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

A little boy walks into his local corner store...

He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."

A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...

A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had s**.... Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have s**... if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner."
John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much s**... he's planning to have, how k**... it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases.
John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal.
As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

So there's a family of rabbits on the side of the road...

Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Rabbit.
They're hopping across and BAM, a truck runs over Mommy and Daddy, but Baby makes it across.
Back on the other side, there's a family of skunks. Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Skunk.
They go waddling across the road and BAM, a truck runs offer Mommy and Daddy, but Baby makes it across.
So Baby Rabbit and Baby Skunk are sitting there on the side of the road.
The rabbit starts crying. The skunk asks him what's wrong, and the rabbit says "Well, my parents are dead and I'm all alone. I don't know where I'm going, I don't remember where I'm from, I don't even know what I am!"
The skunk looks him over and says "Well, let's see, you've got floppy ears and a cotton tail and hop when you walk, you must be a rabbit!"
The rabbit feels his ears, looks at his tail, takes a hop, and says "You're right, I'm a rabbit. I feel better!"
So they sit there a little longer, but the the skunk starts crying. The rabbit asks him what's wrong, and he says, "Well, my parents are dead too! I'm all alone, I don't know where I'm going, I don't remember where I'm from, I don't even know what I am, either!"
The rabbit looks him over and says, "Well...
You're not white and you're not black, and you smell kinda bad,
You must be a Mexican!"

A heroic biker . . .

Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit s**...."
While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Real Middle-aged Texting.

Man: "Fair maiden, wherest doth thou reside on this fair evening?"
Woman: "Good sir, I am trapped within the reside of mine parents"
Man: "Oh, mine love, how I wish mineself were trapped in thine reside so I could bury my face deep within thine bossom."
Woman: "Mine parents shall rest in the hour next. Upon that time, I shall make mine escape, and help you polish your sword."
Man: "Mine sword shall stand in waiting for thine touch."

The week before senior prom the two young lovers anxiously planned the consummation of their love. Even though they had just met they knew it was right.

Tammy was going to secure the hotel reservation
and set up the alibi so that neither's parents
would know. Jimmy was given the unenviable
task of purchasing condoms. Having no idea
what he was doing he enlisted the help of the
man at the counter who advised him that a
package of 12 would be best.
Prom night began with dinner at Tammy's house.
After Grace was said and the dinner blessed
Jimmy's head remained bowed with his face in
his hands. When the pause became
uncomfortable Tammy leaned in and whispered
"I had no idea that you were so religious" to
which he replied:
"I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist"
[edit] format for mobile
[edit] I thought the post was funny and now I think comments are...

Little Johnny at the Farm

Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.
Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.
Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.
Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?
Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.
One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.
The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.
The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.
The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.
The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.
Again, the son falls short and is killed.
The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.
"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.
"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."
"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"
Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."
"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."

Once upon a time, there was a computer

Once upon a time, there was a village idiot. He excelled at doing precisely what he was told to do. However, being an idiot, he never questioned his orders.
His parents convinced the village blacksmith to apprentice the idiot.
The blacksmith explains to the idiot, "Grab a rod with these tongs, and put it on the anvil, and I'll hit it with this hammer." The idiot puts the rod on the anvil OK, but it's at the wrong angle. The blacksmith realizes his instructions were a little vague on that point, and he tries giving clearer directions. But it's no use -- he can't explain it precisely enough for the idiot to hold the rod just right.
So the blacksmith says, "Let's change jobs -- **I'll** position the rod and **you** hit it with the hammer." The instant the blacksmith touches the rod to the anvil, before even he has a chance to position it properly, the idiot starts hammering away at the rod.
Frustrated, the blacksmith thinks to himself -- how can he phrase this so there's NO POSSIBLE WAY the idiot can screw up? Aha!
The blacksmith says: "I am going to put the rod on the anvil -- **do not** hit it. When I nod my head, you hit it."

Why I got divorced..........

Last wéek was my birthday.... My wife didnt wish me.... My parents forgot and so did my kids.... I went to work.... Even my colleagues didnt wish me.... As i entered my cabin my secretary said,"Happy Birthday Boss".... i felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch.... After lunch,she invited me to her apartment... WE went there.... She said,"Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute ?" "OKAY",i said... She came out 5min later with a cake And My Wife, My Parents, My Kids ,My Friends & My Colleagues... All Screaming, SURPRISE.... And I was waiting on the sofa......in my birthday suit

A grade school teacher was asking students...

...what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a professional con artist!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid?"

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. The boy is a great student and does well in every subject. Except math. Year after year he fails math. His parents are confused because he is such an excellent student in all other subjects. They even get him a tutor, but he continues to fail.
A few years later, they move again. Another new school. But this time it is a public school. He passes math the first semester with an A. His parents ask him why math had been so hard for him at St. John's.
He replied "Well in the classroom they had a picture of a guy nailed to a plus sign and I couldn't focus because I thought I was next!"

Why batman wasn't in the avengers.

You need parents permission to join.
Edit I know that he is dc im using him for the sake of the joke its just a joke I'm not implying that they're the same universe (even though bruce wayne is a millionaire in new york jtlyk)

Don't Despair

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair ~ Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper and wrapped the $100 bill in it Then she got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge w**... of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "*Don't Despair* paid 80-to-1!"

What did the parents say to the Rabbi after the circumcision?

Keep the tip....
Note: I have a hard time believing I'm the first person to think of this but I did think of it on my own, even if it has already been done.

Little Johnny was having trouble with school...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.
Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic School.
After coming home from the first day, Johnny went straight up to his room and began studying. Only coming back down to eat dinner, Johnny stayed in his room and studied till bedtime.
A few weeks later, his parents were overwhelmed to see that Johnny had improved his grades, especially his math grade which had been the worst of the lot.
They praised their son but were also quite interested in what had caused the improvement.
"Was it the nuns? The curriculum?" they asked.
Johnny shook his head and replied, "At first I didn't take them seriously, but when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

Poor Husband Hilarious Joke

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parentsforgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said,"Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....

Why did i get Divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parentsforgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said,"Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....

Best (worst) Wine and Chocolate Jokes Thread

Can we do this? My parents have these c**... wine / chocolate jokes on knick knacks around their house...
*i joined the 12-step program for chocoholics -- now I'm never 12 steps away from chocolate*
Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Hate you!
*i love cooking with wine.. sometimes i even put it in the food!*
Please be dead.
Let's hear your best (worst) wine and Chocolate jokes!

A teenager asks his parents to buy him a car, they agree to as long as he gets a job, a hair cut, and learns more about Jesus.

After a few weeks, he goes back to his parents and asks for a car again.
"Son, you hair is even longer now than it was before!" they said.
*Well, you see, I've been going to church lately and they're been encouraging me to be more like Jesus. Turns out he never cut his hair, he kept it long!*
"Well do you have a job yet?" they asked.
*No, Jesus didn't work and instead lived off what his disciples and the heavenly father provided for him, and you want me to be more like him!*
"True, true. Well Jesus also walked wherever he went."

A growing number of parents are trying to force feed their children.

Experts can offer no explanation. Citing, "Even Master Jedi use spoons."

s**... amnesia

Being new parents my wife and usually have our s**... times while extremely tired. This results in one or more parties not fully remembering the previous nights events. So here is the conversation I had with my wife today.
W - do you remember having s**... last night?
M - only the last 30 seconds or so
W - you remember the whole thing then...
I laughed so hard I couldn't even be mad.

Dinner with Girlfriends parents..

Ambitious boyfriend visits a chemist store to buy some condoms for the evening..
The store owner recommends him some new flavoured and textured codoms and the guy talks at length with him on the evolution of condoms and finally buys a pack of six..
Upon reaching his girlfriends place in the evening he is introduced to his GFs father.
He bows down before him as a mark of respect and is in that position for sometime
"I didnt know you believed in the asian custom of bowing" says his GF.
In a nervous murmur, he exclaims "I didnt know that your father was a chemist!"

Parenting 101

1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Me and my wife were contemplating abortion until we saw a commercial sealing the deal...

"They'll do things their parents never even dreamed of, because these kids will grow up with Windows 10."

Young man and the Pharmacy

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy.
"Hello mister, i'll be at my new girlfriends house for dinner today... you know.. become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, i'm probably gonna have some s**... time my girlfriend. You know the deal.
So is there something you could suggest me?
"Well.. i'd suggest some... condoms?
"Well.. uhm.. sounds cool.. I.. will take some"
As he is about to leave the pharmacy he stops and returns.
"Wait a second. You know... her mum... she's hot af... and maybe i could assort some.. you know.. s**... time with her as well.
You know what.. ima take some more condoms."
Later at the dinner the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.
His girlfriend says.
"If i'd known you're gonna be all silent and stuff i wouldnt have invited you to this dinner!?"
The young man then answers:
"If i'd had known your dad is a pharmacist i wouldnt even be here."

Did you hear about the day your parents got married?

It was so beautiful even the cake was in teirs.

Little Johnny is complaining to his mother early in the morning

'Mum, I have a stomach ache...'
'Don't worry, honey,' says the mother. 'It's only aching because you have an empty stomach.'
Little Johnny acknowledges this and calms down. In the evening, Little Johnny's parents welcome an esteemed guest: the Under Secretary of Interior. During the course of the evening, the Under Secretary says:
'Dear Madam, could I get some painkiller please? I have a horrible headache...'
Little Johnny looks up from his drawing in the corner and says:
'Don't worry, sir! It's only aching because you have an empty head!'

Why did John get divorced?

Well, last week was his birthday. His wife didn't wish him a happy birthday. His parents forgot and so did his kids. He went to work and even his colleagues didn't wish him a happy birthday. As he entered his office, his secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" He felt so special. She asked him out for lunch. After lunch, she invited him to her apartment. They went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," He said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, his wife, his parents, his kids, his friends, & his colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while John was waiting on the sofa... n**...

What do you call an openly tyrannical government wherein all the female public officials identify as future mothers even though they've been sterilized?

A trans-parent government.
(this is my best work yet)

A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents

Blonde: Oh by the way I´m pregnant
Parents (simultaneously): You´re WHAT!?!
Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I´m not even sure it´s mine

A police officer calls two parents...

"I'm sorry, but your child was caught setting fire to a building yesterday evening."
"No, not arson!"

What's the Difference between you and my parents?

Not even my parents have felt this disappointed with me, like you are in this moment.

There was once a Jewish boy who was terrible at math

...his parents had tried everything: private tutors, online lessons, and after school programs, to no avail. Finally, they gave in, and sent him to one of the best math-oriented schools in the city, which happened to be Christian.
At the end of the first semester, the boy showed his parents his report card, and they were amazed. He had gotten all A's in everything, even math!
"How'd you do it?" His dad asked him.
"What did that school teach you that made you so good at math?" Inquired his mom.
"Well, when I walked in," the boy responded, "there was a guy nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business!"

This week I got divorced.

last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....

My birthday was last week

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"
I felt so special.
She asked me out to lunch.
After lunch she invited me to her apartment.
When we got there, she asked, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I replied.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, and all my colleagues as they yelled "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa.. n**....

Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid

No wonder even their parents call them beta.

When I was a kid...

...I wanted to be a magician. My parents being the supportive people they are, helped me learn how to perform magic. My father even taught me half of a two-part lesson on disappearing tricks. I'm still waiting for the part on how to reappear.

I recently went back home to visit my parents, my Mom even gave me a buzz cut

It feels good to get back to my roots.

waiting on the sofa... n**....

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....

Long ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth,...

A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.
There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.
The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.
Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.
He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like herbivore.

The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my a**... and wriggles it about a bit.

My parents have never paid attention to me.

In fact they didn't even show up to my own birth.

I was shocked by that story of the parents who kept even their adult children captive in the house.

Personally, I couldn't wait for my kids to leave.

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Dad: water
Me: water who?
Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.
Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.
Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.
Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?
Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.

Disappointment

Parents: We are disappointed in you.
Son: Why?
Parents: Even the map from dora is better than you
Son: How?
Parents: Because he knows where he is going in life.

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week it was my birthday, my wife didn't wish me a happy birthday, my kids didn't, and even my parents didn't even remember. I went to work and none of my colleagues nor my friends wished my a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, Happy birthday boss I felt so special. She invited me to lunch, then after lunch she invited me to my apartment. We went there and she said Do you mind if I go to the bedroom real quick? I said okay and 5 minutes later she comes out with a big birthday cake, my friends, my family, my kids my friends, and my colleagues all came out and yelled SURPRISE!!!! While I was laying on the sofa n**......

Why did the man get a divorce?

Why did the man get a divorce? Well, last week was the man's birthday. His wife didn't wish him a happy birthday. His kids and his parents forgot as well. He went to work and not even one of his colleagues wished him a happy birthday. As the man entered his office, his secretary said "Happy birthday, boss!" The man felt so special. She asked him out for lunch. After lunch, she invited him to her apartment. When they got there, she said "do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay" he said. She came out with a birthday cake, his wife, parents, kids, and colleagues all yelling "SURPRISE!" while he was waiting on the couch n**....

Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce

Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.
Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?
Baby Bear: No, she beats me.
Judge: Ok how about your Papa?
Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...
Judge: Then who do you want to live with?
Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!

My uncle is a well known o**... player.

They even has his picture up at the playground warning parents to keep their kids away from him.

I overheard two people having a argument about vaccines.

Guy 1: How could people even think that vaccines are harmful?
Guy 2: Well when I was young my parents did an experiment they got me vaccinated and my twin was vaccination free.
Now I have had many sicknesses while my brother had almost none!
Guy 1: Wait I never knew you had a twin.
Guy 2: Oh yes I did, but he died when we where young.

Little Timmy went into his grandparent's bedroom.

He found his grandpa and grandma half-n**..., fooling around in bed.
He asked his grandpa what they are doing.
Grandpa said: "Your grandma is my wild card"
Little Timmy left the room confused, so he entered his parent's bedroom and found mommy and daddy half-n**..., fooling around in bed.
He asked his father what they are doing.
Dad said: "Your mom is my wild card"
Little Timmy became even more confused, so he entered his older brother's bedroom and found him playing cards.
Little Timmy asked his older brother: "Who is your wild card?"
The brother replied: "You don't need a wild card, if you have a good hand!"

My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."

"Who's there?"
"Boo."
"Boo who?"
"CHICAGO"
He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to h**..., this works out.
Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.