Pardon My Take Jokes
11 pardon my take jokes and hilarious pardon my take puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pardon my take that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Pardon My Take Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good pardon my take joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
A man wins big...
*pardon if this is a repost*
A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.
When he arrives, he asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replies "I'd take half the money and leave you."
"Great! I just won $200 tonight, here's $100 -- enjoy your half."
A man is trying to avoid being conscripted.
He runs from his house as soldiers come for him. As he heads down the street, he sees a nun. He runs up to her and says "please sister, let me hide under your dress, I don't want to die in the war".
The nun takes pity on him and lets him hide under her dress. The soldiers pass them by. As he emerges, the man blushes and says to the nun "pardon my saying sister, but you have a lovely pair of legs."
The nun smiles and replies "if you looked a little higher, you would've seen a lovely pair of b**.... I don't want to die in the war either."
A pony walks into a bar
A pony walks into a bar and says I'll take a drink.
The bartender says Pardon me?
The pony clears his t**... and says Please, I'll take a drink.
The bartender says Oh, can do. Sorry I couldn't hear you the first time, you sound like you're a little hoarse.
Grandma and her birth control pills
Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the doctor. Grandma said, "yes, but I need them so I can get a good night's sleep."
The doctor said, "there's nothing in these pills which would cause you to sleep." Grandma said, "that may well be, but, when I take one and grind it up in my 16-year-old granddaughter's orange juice, I sleep better at night."
A blonde walks out of a hospital.
She hails a taxi. The cab driver noticed she had her hand bandaged. Striking up a conversation he asks how she injured her hand. The blonde looks up sheepishly and says, "I tried to commit s**...."
The cab driver is taken aback but looks at his passenger in the rearview mirror. "I'm glad you are okay but pardon me for asking; how did that affect your hand?"
The blonde takes a deep breath and starts her story. "I took a gun and put it up to one of ears, but then I got worried that I'd be scared of the noise when I pulled the trigger. So I put my hand up to cover my other ear."
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant...
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to Mary, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
Mary calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
A prince is cursed...
A prince is cursed one day by a witch so that he can only speak a single word a year. However, any word he does not say in a year can be rolled over and used in a following year. The prince is discouraged, but decides to go about his life anyway.
A few weeks later, the prince meets a beautiful young woman, and he waits an entire year to say "hello". He begins writing her letters, explaining his situation, and they begin to fall in love. Three years later, the prince uses his saved words to tell her, in his own voice, "I love you".
Soon, the prince decides he wants to marry her. But to make it special, he saves up his words for twelve years, so he can ask her himself. He takes her to the most romantic part of the royal gardens at sunset, gets down on one knee, and says "my darling, I love you more than anything. Will you marry me?" The beautiful young woman turns to him and says:
"Pardon?"
"I can't see the president!"
The president is holding a speech. A lady is listening in the crowd, when suddenly someone taps her on the shoulder and tells her:
"Pardon me, miss! Could you t**... hat please? I can't see the president!"
The lady does so. A few seconds pass, when the same man taps her on the shoulder again:
"Sorry, but would you be so kind to move your hair to your other side? I can't see the president!"
The lady moves her hair. But again, the man asks her:
"Excuse me, but wouldn't it be much of a hassle if you stepped aside for a bit? I can't see the president!"
The lady gets frustrated, turns around and tells him:
"What else do you need? Should I give you a telescope as well?"
"No thank you, I already have one on my rifle."
The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"
But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,
"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,
"Pardon?"
A rich society hostess gives a dinner for a number of businessmen.
Unfortunately she suffers from flatulence. The first time she 'toots' one of the gentlemen gets up and says pardon me ma'am and leaves the room. The next time she 'toots' another gentleman does the same. An American turns to his British colleague and says 'What gives - she keeps f**... and guys leave the room'. His colleague says 'this is British politeness - the gentlemen are taking the blame for the lady'. The next time she 'toots' the American stands up and says 'have this one on me, ma'am' and leaves the room.
The great train of Communism grinds to a halt...
Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are riding on the great train of communism together when it suddenly grinds to a halt.
Stalin pokes his head out of the window and shouts, "Take the engineers behind the tool sheds and have them shot, then get new engineers!" But the train still does not move.
Khrushchev has a go at it next. "Pardon the engineers, retrain them, then put them back to work!" But still the train does not move.
Finally, after hours at complete standstill, Brezhnev turns to his fuming compatriots and says, "Gentlemen, let us simply close the blinds and pretend that we are moving!"
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