Paranoid Jokes
104 paranoid jokes and hilarious paranoid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paranoid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn about paranoid jokes and how they can relate to paranoid schizophrenia, hypochondria, and paranoia. Understand why these jokes can be funny and also why they can be dark.
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Funniest Paranoid Short Jokes
Short paranoid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paranoid humour may include short paranoia jokes also.
- My therapist says I'm paranoid. He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.
- My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid. Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
- My girlfriend and her family all say I'm paranoid. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what they're all saying behind my back, whenever I'm not around.
- Visited my doctor today He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic..
Well.. he didn't actually say it.. but WE KNEW he was thinking it. - My crush is completely paranoid She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.
- I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though... ...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...
- This is the most paranoid I've ever been! No, wait -- That's just what they *want* me to think!
- My wife left me because apparently I'm to paranoid I'm ok with that. Rather live alone than with a clone
- A patient came in today saying he felt paranoid and like people were watching him. I dunno if I buy it though, he looked pretty relaxed in the bath this morning.
*classic Frankie boyle* - People say I'm paranoid… …because they know I'm on to them
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Paranoid One Liners
Which paranoid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paranoid? I can suggest the ones about schizophrenic and delusional.
- My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.
- My wife left me because I'm too paranoid. Haha
- Paranoids "You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around."
- If you're feeling paranoid, just remember… … you're not alone!
- Was paranoid because I had a blood test Still got an A+
- I know that I'm paranoid. But I worry that I may not be paranoid enough.
- I'm a paranoid narcissist... I'm afraid no one's out to get me!
- Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He was always afraid he was following someone.
- Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man He's always looking over his shoulder.
- Why did the paranoid man take the elevator? He couldn't handle the stares...
- I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed. He told me to take one, action
- Everyone keeps saying I'm paranoid... This must be some sort of conspiracy...
- My wife left me again because I'm too paranoid, this time with the kid. Oh no
- Why do reptiles have so many scales? Because they're paranoid about their weight.
- How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
Paranoid Schizophrenia Jokes
Here is a list of funny paranoid schizophrenia jokes and even better paranoid schizophrenia puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We never saw it coming. Psychiatrist: You have paranoid schizophrenia.
Patient: Who! Me or me?
Entertaining Paranoid Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about paranoid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean obsessive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paranoid pranks.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
Mental health hotline.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
A doctor diagnosed me with...
... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.
... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!
... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.
... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams.
... Dementia.
But I maintain full cognitive... Um. What was the question?
Hear about the paranoid guy
who stopped using twitter? He said everyone was following him.
What is a paranoid man's favorite food?
Who wants to know?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Work-out with a smile
I didn't make it to the gym today, that makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the "john" and renamed it the "jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.
Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for a burglar. If you find one, what's your plan??
Everyone has the right to be s**.... Some just a**... the privilege!
Why was the corn farmer paranoid?
Because the field has ears.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.
Why didn't the paranoid schizophrenic have any money in the bank?
He had a tendency to withdraw.
My doctor said my heavy drinking was
making me paranoid. He asked: "When did you have your last drink?" I said: "What do you mean last?"
What brand of shoes does a paranoid person wear?
Sketchers
My girlfriend has real trust issues, always paranoid.
My wife on the other hand is a lot more chill.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm really paranoid that I'll see a n**... picture of my sister on the Internet and not know it.
It would be way hotter if I knew that it was her.
A paranoid man stays at a hotel,
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
I read a Braille spy novel today that made me extremely paranoid...
It was like something just didn't feel right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Research shows that smoking p**... does not make you paranoid.
But I highly doubt it.
Skype conversation
A: you home
B: Please! If you are asking me, please add at least a question mark. I'm starting to feel paranoid that you are actually watching me
A: haha?
What kind of dinosaur is always hiding and very paranoid?
A youthinkhesaurus
Being paranoid isn't so bad.
Wait, who said that?!
I saw a man at standing on the precipice of a cliff and knew he was paranoid.
He jumped to a conclusion.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was a bit paranoid about my s**... prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -
"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".
"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.
"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mountains
I opened a m**... dispensary in the mountains, but it went out of business because people were too paranoid about being so high.
My phone started to act weird when I researched buying a new phone.
It became a Paranoid Android.
What did the green grape say to the paranoid red grape?
Don't worry. You're going to be wine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking by a house the other day that was being worked on and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little w**....
In morse code.
Have you heard about the paranoid dyslexic?
He's afraid NASA is spying on him.
The shrinks diagnosed me as a sociopath with paranoid delusions.
But they're just out to get me.
In light of Mark Zuckerburg offloading as much Facebook stock as he can...
If Zuckerburg was a Radiohead song, what song would he be?
Paranoid Android.
What did one piece of paranoid beeswax say to the other piece of paranoid beeswax?
Let's get out of ear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was always paranoid and afraid that everyone would s**... assult me, so I went to see a therapist. And my fear came true.
Apparently I didn't see the space in between therapist.
People keep accusing me of being paranoid.
Why are they out to get me?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You should stop smoking p**..., John
I wonder how many paranoid potheads named John this will creep out
My wife left me and took my children because I've become insecure and paranoid
I wonder who's watching me now, the IRS?
1984 paranoid ramblings
2018 passing remark
A Marksman on our League of Legends team is a bit paranoid.
He tends to hide in random places so nobody could sabotage him before a game.
Does that make him a concealed carry?
While buying groceries I saw a guy smashing several boxes of Cap'n Crunch and Frosted Flakes on the ground for no reason,
Call me paranoid but I think he might be a cereal killer.
Sometimes I know I'm just being paranoid.....
The rest of the time I'm surprised how many people are out to get me.
What did the paranoid beer cooler say to the bartender?
Are you stocking me!?
I'm not paranoid
Who said that?
What's the best thing about being paranoid?
You're always the talk of the town.
PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"
PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"
PIG: "Oh God, not you too"
My girlfriend is so paranoid.
She keeps calling the police and saying I'm some random stalker.
I visited a doctor and he told me I was paranoid.
In fact, he didn't tell me, but he surely had to think I was.
Doctors say that I am paranoid schizophrenic
I think they are jealous because people only talk to me..
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid...
.... in morse code.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A paranoid schizophrenic was arrested for killing 17 pigeons in a local park.
He wasn't arrested for m**..., or animal cruelty.
His actual charge was for the destruction of government property.
A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.
Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.
I feel like I might have paranoia
I'm probably just feeling paranoid
You may think I'm paranoid
But I think diet soda is just another form of pop elation control.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why didn't the paranoid plane take off?
It had t**... issues
I've started to get paranoid about hiding my drugs in my shoes
Every time I look at them, they look laced.
A patient with a mental decease walks to a doctor
the doctor asks: "What's your problem?"
The patient: "I'm paranoid about the Backstreet Boys"
Doctor: "Tell me why"
Patient: \*screams\*
My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.
I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Friday afternoon I'm walking home from school
and I'm watching some men build a new house. The guy hammering the house called me a paranoid little w**.... In Morse code.
I hate being so paranoid, but its the CIA's fault.
its the drugs they put in my coffee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know what's the worse part of being a paranoid schizophrenic?
Who the h**... is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to smoke m**... everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.
Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.
