Paranoia Jokes
46 paranoia jokes and hilarious paranoia puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paranoia that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Paranoia Short Jokes
Short paranoia jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paranoia humour may include short paranoid jokes also.
- I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered: "They're right behind you."
- My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia. Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.
- My doctor diagnosed me with paranoia yesterday Well that's not what he said, but I could tell he was thinking it
- The doctor asked his patient Do you experience any signs of paranoia? The patient responded No. Why? Who told you to ask that??
- My friend told me he suffers from extreme paranoia... I told him don't worry you're not alone
- I've been diagnosed with paranoia today. If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.
- Merry Christmas to all the paranoia sufferers out there.... Just remember, you are not alone.....
- Psychiatrist to neurotic patient "You have acute paranoia" Neurotic Patient "I came here to be treated, not admired"
- I met a really nice girl at Paranoia Club today. I said, "See you next week, if you're alive."
- Paranoia Hotline I phoned the Paranoia Helpline, but I hung up after fifty-nine seconds.
I'm sure they were trying to trace my call.
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Paranoia One Liners
Which paranoia one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paranoia? I can suggest the ones about paradox and anxiety.
- To everyone suffering from paranoia, let me just tell you: You are not alone.
- I just called the paranoia hotline. A guy answered, How did you get this number?!
- I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation. I'm scared shitless.
- What is the opposite of paranoia? Thinking you are following someone.
- My doctor told me that I suffer from paranoia. I think someone paid him to say it.
- The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia. He believed nobody was following him.
- Where are people with paranoia sent to? the ICU
- I think my paranoia is getting worse. But that's just what they want me to think.
- Paranoia is a man's best friend You really shouldn't trust him though
- I feel like I might have paranoia I'm probably just feeling paranoid
- Paranoia Definition of paranoia:
About a week ago I threw a boomerang - "Welcome to paranoia club again..." "But I...haven't been before," I replied.
- My dad has really bad paranoia I'm afraid that I might end up like him.
- I've been accused of paranoia. But then you already knew that, didn't you!
- I have acute paranoia. It's better than having an ugly paranoia.
Happy Paranoia Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about paranoia you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean phobia jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paranoia pranks.
Son: Daddy, what is the difference between paranoia and schizophrenia?
Dad: Paranoia is when you go to the toilet, when your home alone, and lock the door behind you. And schizophrenia is when somebody knocks.
Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health
If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.
If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you do in life, and what you want from us. Please stay on the phone while we trace your call.
If you suffer from hallucinations, press the 7 on the big pink telephone that you, and only you, see at your immediate right.
If you are suffer from chizophrenia, please kindly ask your imaginary friend to press the 8 key for you.
If you suffer from depression, it doesn't matter which key you press, as there is nothing to do: yours is a basket case, and there is no cure.
If you suffer from amnesia, press keys in rapid sequence 2, 7, 5, 3, 9 5, 7, 5, 1, 6, 4, 9 and repeat out loud, in the following order, your name, surname, home address, mobile number, e-mail, social security number, bank account number, ATM pin code, date of birth, marital status, place of birth and your grandmother's maiden name.
If you suffer from indecision, leave your message before, after, or during the beep.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from obsessive avarice we have to inform you that this call costs 500 euros per minute.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, keep waiting: all our operators are busy responding to people who are much more important than you.
If you are one of the Italians that voted for Berlusconi, please hang up. We cure the crazy, not the jerks.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got back from seeing my therapist. He says I'm suffering from paranoia," he confides to the bartender. "Hey, man, that's nothing to be ashamed of. You're not alone," the bartender consoles him. "They're always watching."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to see a doctor.
I said, "My girlfriend says I'm suffering from severe paranoia."
"What do you want me to do?" he asked.
I said, "Stop having s**... with her."
Soviet-era paranoia
Two acquaintances meet on a train.
"Where are you headed?", asks one.
"To Minsk, to see my daughter", replies the other.
He said he's going to Minsk, the first man thinks. That means he's going to Smolensk. But this train doesn't go to Smolensk. This is the Minsk train.
Why would he lie?
Why was Six afraid of Seven?
People who are dehumanised to the point of being identified only by a number are easily given to paranoia.
"My psychiatrist told me I have Paranoia"
"You don't have a psychiatrist"
"I know, but if I had one he'd tell me"
Surveillance paranoia is rampant
I overheard an accusation that "This fly is bugging me"
-- Source: Some fly I met the other day
