Silly & Ridiculous Parachute Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
A bad metaphor
is like a cucumber with a parachute.
For Sale...
Parachute: $300.
Slightly stained.
Used once; never opened.
No strings attached.
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
A skydiver jumps out of a plane...
He is flying through the air and is having a lot of fun.
Then he pulls the chord ... but nothing happens! The parachute wont open!
panicing he pulls the safety chord ... nothing happens again!
He is falling ever so fast, when suddenly a guy comes flying up from beneath him!
The skydiver yells "hey! Do you repair parachutes!?"
The guy yells back! "Nope, gas ovens..."
(english is not my first language, excuse my spelling please)
The pilot said,
"We are having engine trouble. Who here believes in the power of prayer?"
One man rose to his feet and said, "I do!"
The pilot said, "That is good because we are one parachute short."
You don't need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.
I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition.
Never opened, only used once
I knew someone who died in a skydiving accident.
Their f**... wreath was in the shape of a parachute.
After all, that's what they would've wanted.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
What is the quietest place on Earth?
The complaint department at a parachute packing company.
TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.
But not twice.
You can explore parachute cleverest reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean parachute altitude dad jokes. There are also parachute puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What's the difference between a c**... and a parachute?
Well when c**... fails a life comes, when parachute fails a life goes.
If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..
You have the rest of your life to fix it.
A guy is lying on a field. There's a backpack lying on his back, and a lot of flies are flying around. What's in the backpack?
A parachute.
Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend...
Do it with a parachute.
I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open
I didn't understand the gravity of the situation
No need to worry if your parachute don't unfold...
... You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.
A plane was going down
and there were 4 people aboard: The president, the smartest man in the world, an old man, and a little girl. However, there were only 3 parachutes. The president said, "I'm too important to die," and took a parachute and jumped. The smartest man in the world said, "other people will need my smarts," and he also jumped off. The old man said,"you can go, my life is almost over anyway." The girl said," no, we can both go. The smartest man in the world took my Dora backpack."
For Sale: Parachute
Never opened, slightly stained.
Skydiving without a parachute
Is a once in a lifetime experience!
Did you guys know you don't need a parachute to skydive?
You just need a parachute to skydive twice.
I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.
Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.
One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."
The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."
My wife's skydiving experience ended horrifically.
The parachute worked.
In case your parachute does not open
You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What is the difference between a c**... and a parachute?
If one is torn, you get +1 human, if another -1 human.
My friend decided to skydive without a parachute
I didn't hear from him after that, but someone told me he had a once in a lifetime experience.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
Free parachute
No strings attached!
Translated Chinese joke
Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!
Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off
Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out
Bad news: The parachute failed midair
Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him
Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with s**...t
Good news: He didn't land on the s**...t
Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either
My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"
I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"
Yo momma so fat...
The dinosaurs went extinct when she forgot her parachute.
A guy goes into a parachute store.....
and sees a row of parachutes selling for $200 and another row of parachutes selling for $6,000. Confused, he asks a salesman what the $200 rigs were for. The salesman says they were for parachuting. More confused, he asked the salesman what the $6,000 rigs were for. The salesman said they were for parachuting twice.
Plane Joke
There was a plane about to go down. The people who were on there were: Trump, The Pope, The Pilot, and 3rd grader. There are three parachutes. The Pope grabs a parachute and says; "I am more important" Then bails. Trump grabs a parachute and says "I am the worlds smartest man. I can't die" Then bails. The Pilot looks at the kid and said here have my Parachute, the kid responded No need to, the "worlds smartest man" grabbed my backpack.
I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.
No strings attached.
As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...
Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.
If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it
If you love skydiving, don't wear a parachute on your next jump
Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!
A parachutist is plummeting to Earth
Because her ripcord malfunctioned.
As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.
She yells out to him, Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?
He replies back No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??
The upside to your parachute not working
You have the rest of your life to fix it!
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
So there were 4 people on a private jet
Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.
In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to c**....
So Oprah Winfrey says the world needs me and grabs a parachute and jumps off.
Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off without saying anything.
Then there's only one parachute left.
Barack Obama says to the girl, little girl, you are the future to our country, you take the last parachute.
Then the little girl says actually there's two left.
Barack Obama says how ?
Then the little girl says because trump just took my school backpack.
You don't need a parachute to jump out of a plane
You need a parachute to jump out of a plane twice.
A man goes to buy a parachute
He asks the cashier,
what happens if the parachute fails to deploy?
The cashier responds: Oh, Just pull the reserve c**..., you will be fine.
The man asks again: What if the reserve c**... fails???
The cashier responds: Well, In that case bring it back and we will give you a full refund!
Spy
A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.
That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving
Although you need a parachute to go skydiving for a second time.
How do you survive a fall without a parachute?
Just like any other season
If you're skydiving and your parachute doesn't open...
Don't panic, you've got the rest of your life to open it.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
Unless you want to go skydiving twice.
A man jumps off a plane.
His friend says, "you need a parachute to go skydiving." The man says, "no, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What do you call
Skydiving when the parachute doesn't work?
Jumping to a conclusion..
I was skydiving and my parachute malfunctioned.
Luckily, I had the rest of my life to fix it.
Parachute for sale
Parachute for sale: used once, never opened, small stain
If you parachute fails, don't worry
You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
Second-hand parachute for sale
Only used once, never opened.
You don't need a parachute to sky dive...
... you need a parachute to sky dive twice.
How do you open a parachute?!
I need answers quickly please.
What's one thing you almost never need but if you need it once and don't have it, you probably won't need it ever again?
Parachute.
PS: Just as I was typing this out I realized a seatbelt would fit the category too.
Just before a r**... had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,
"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary c**.... After you land, our truck will pick you up."
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.
He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.
As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, "I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"
How do you open a parachute?
P.s. I need a quick answer..
Two Parachutists
Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the c**... doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The c**... failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the c**... still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that g**... truck won't be there either."
I was recently invited to try skydiving without a parachute.
It sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Do you need a parachute to go skydiving?
No, you need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
The first time I tried parachuting...
The scariest thing happened on my first parachuting lesson. The first time you jump, you get harnessed to the Instructor.
As I plummeted through the air, waiting for the instructor to open the parachute, he turned to me and asked
"So, how long have you been an Instructor for?"
I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.
He said you're jumping to a conclusion.
Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.
They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane.
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.
The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.
Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.
Have you heard about that new fad of skydiving without a parachute?
It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Did you know that you don't actually need a parachute to skydive?
But you do though, if you want to skydive \*again\*.
Education
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive. "I asked, "What's the difference? "He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education. "
Parachute lessons
So, I'm on a flying plane, taking my parachute jumping lessons. One of the guys told me: "Wait here, stay close to the door, the instructor will strap himself to you and you'll jump together. Don't do anything without your instructor, he has the parachute, he knows everything and he will guide you on your first jump!"
I waited a few more minutes, then somebody approached me q**..., strapped himself to me and jumped right off. A few seconds into falling, the guy screams in my ear:
"So how long you've been an instructor?"
Ole and Lars went skydiving
Ole jumped out of the plane and pulled his ripcord. His parachute opened, and he started his gentle descent.
Lars jumped out of the plane and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled his emergency cord. Nothing happened.
Ole watched Lars plummet past him, and started undoing his harness.
"So you wanna race, huh?"
A woman put on some clothes and walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.
"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.
The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."
The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you holding binoculars?"
"How else do you expect me to find my parachute?" he asked.
Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?
Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.
You don't need a parachute to skydive.
You need it if you want to skydive twice.
Chuck Norris once skydived and the parachute failed to open while mid-air
The next day, he demanded a refund.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving without a parachute...
The place where he collided with the earth is now known as the Marriana's trench.
What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?
Brought it back for a refund.
What's the difference between a bad golf drive and a poorly packed parachute?
One is whack...fuck and the other is fuck....whack.
It's total bullshit that you need a parachute to go sky diving.
You need a parachute if you plan to sky dive twice.
A parachutist has just jumped from a plane and his chute doesn't open.
As he is plummetting earthwards and trying to get the parachute to open, he is surprised to see someone heading up towards him. He calls out "Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No," says the other. "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
