Parachute Jokes
140 parachute jokes and hilarious parachute puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about parachute that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This hilarious article delivers a collection of parachute jokes sure to please anyone with a sense of humour. From the parachute regiment to parachute pants and even the cleverest of schoolboy parachute jokes, these jokes will leave you in stitches. Get ready to chuckle at the puns and goofy stories about rude parachutes and brave boyscouts!
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Funniest Parachute Short Jokes
Short parachute jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The parachute humour may include short skydiver jokes also.
- Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open? Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.
- TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom. But not twice.
- Have you heard about that new fad of skydiving without a parachute? It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.
- I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open. He said you're jumping to a conclusion.
- If you love skydiving, don't wear a parachute on your next jump Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!
- What is the quietest place on Earth? The complaint department at a parachute packing company.
- For Sale... Parachute: $300.
Slightly stained.
Used once; never opened.
No strings attached. - I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open I didn't understand the gravity of the situation
- I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments. Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
- Did you know that you don't actually need a parachute to skydive? But you do though, if you want to skydive \*again\*.
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Parachute One Liners
Which parachute one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with parachute? I can suggest the ones about trampoline and bungee.
- What did chuck norris do when his parachute failed to open? Brought it back for a refund.
- If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry.. You have the rest of your life to fix it.
- Just because nobody complains Doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
- How do you survive a fall without a parachute? Just like any other season
- You don't need a parachute to go skydiving... You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
- Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend... Do it with a parachute.
- Free parachute No strings attached!
- How do you open a parachute?! I need answers quickly please.
- I'm giving away parachutes for free. No strings attached.
- I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap. No strings attached.
- For Sale: Parachute Never opened, slightly stained.
- Skydiving without a parachute Is a once in a lifetime experience!
- What do you call Skydiving when the parachute doesn't work?
Jumping to a conclusion.. - I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition. Never opened, only used once
- My wife's skydiving experience ended horrifically. The parachute worked.
Parachute Jump Jokes
Here is a list of funny parachute jump jokes and even better parachute jump puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Forgetting a parachute meant it was his last jump. Then again it was the only one he bounced back from.
- A Customer bought a parachute from me I realised after selling it that it was defective.
He hasn't come back to return it.
I wonder if he has jumped to a conclusion of not coming back. - Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground? Doesn't matter.
- What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open? Jumping to conclusion
- I could tell you my jokes about failed parachute jumps But they don't seem to land
- Tell a man a joke and he will laugh for a day... Invite that man to go skydiving, hand him an empty parachute, watch him jump, and he will never laugh again.
- If you jump from a plane with parachutes, you will fly for a few seconds If you jump from a plane without parachutes, you will fly for the rest of your life
- Did you hear about the man..... Did you hear about the man who jumped out of a plane at 40,00 feet without a parachute and survived.....
.....until he hit the ground
Parachute Failed Jokes
Here is a list of funny parachute failed jokes and even better parachute failed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If a parachute fails while skydiving, don't worry! You have plenty of time. You have the rest of your entire life to fix it!
- My parachute failed, so when I deployed my backup parachute... I floated back up.
Silly & Ridiculous Parachute Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about parachute you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bungee jumping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make parachute pranks.
In an attempt to end WWII, President Harry Truman had Chuck Norris parachuted into Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Sept. 2, 1945, the Japanese surrendered.
Chuck Norris went sky diving 50 times.
He used a parachute twice.
A woman is like a parachute – can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one.
I'm selling a parachute – just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
A bad metaphor
is like a cucumber with a parachute.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun, a priest and a politician...
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys are aboard a jet as it's about to c**... and there are only two parachutes...
The first guy has the parachutes and gives both of them to the others, the second guy says thank you and jumps. The third guy before jumping asks "Wow, why would you do such a thing, why not save your own life?". The first guy then looks at him and says, "What are you crazy, I gave the second guy an empty backpack".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fast Thinker
Guy's first time parachuting... yada yada c**... fails, reserve fails. He's falling. But he sees a speck coming up toward him, faster than he's falling. He realizes it's a guy and figuring he has nothing to lose, he yells,
"Hey do you know anything about parachutes?"
and as they pass the other guy yells back,
"Sorry man, I don't . Do you know anything about propane BBQs?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The parachute making business must be great!
Because nobody ever comes back to complain about a failed c**...!
The pilot said,
"We are having engine trouble. Who here believes in the power of prayer?"
One man rose to his feet and said, "I do!"
The pilot said, "That is good because we are one parachute short."
Skydiving without a parachute...
Is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I heard this on a spotify ad and it cracked me up. I thought I'd share it.:)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Parachuteless Dave
Michael: Dave is so brave! He jumped out of a plane without a parachute!
John: Ohh is it true? Where did you get the news?
Michael: From his f**....
How can you tell a Belgian in a submarine?
He's the one with a parachute on his back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I knew someone who died in a skydiving accident.
Their f**... wreath was in the shape of a parachute.
After all, that's what they would've wanted.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My uncle died after falling out of a helicopter..
..so at his f**... we got him a wreath in the shape of a parachute. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
What did the shooting range instructor say to the guy in a wheelchair?
Parachute
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the s**... inmate who stole an airplane and parachuted out?
He was a condescending con descending.
^^^I'll ^^^be ^^^here ^^^all ^^^week, ^^^try ^^^the ^^^veal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a c**... and a parachute?
Well when c**... fails a life comes, when parachute fails a life goes.
A guy is lying on a field. There's a backpack lying on his back, and a lot of flies are flying around. What's in the backpack?
A parachute.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend was so brave, he jumped on a flying plane without a parachute.
i know because everyone was talking about it during his f**....
A plane was once flying over an island..
A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice:
Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.
A plane was going down
and there were 4 people aboard: The president, the smartest man in the world, an old man, and a little girl. However, there were only 3 parachutes. The president said, "I'm too important to die," and took a parachute and jumped. The smartest man in the world said, "other people will need my smarts," and he also jumped off. The old man said,"you can go, my life is almost over anyway." The girl said," no, we can both go. The smartest man in the world took my Dora backpack."
About the blind man that took up parachuting.
He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest...
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
Skydiving student recieves a lesson
A student is in a skydiving lesson and the instructor explains, "first count to ten and then rip the cord to open the parachute.
The student asks, "wha-wha-wha-what wa-wa-was that nu-nu-nu-number again?
The instructor answered, "two."
Bad Advertisement
Apparently using the words "Never opened" is no good, when trying to sell a parachute..
Why are leaves bad material for parachutes?
because they don't survive the fall (autumn)
My wife died in a sky diving accident.
Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?
The young man from Rome
There was a young man from Rome
Went skydiving all on his own
He could have gone twice
But he forgot my advice
As he left his parachute at home
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened when the parachuter's c**......
...failed to open, right over the clock factory?
He fell on hard times.
Why don't women wear dresses when parachuting?
Because they'd whistle on the way down.
Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.
Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.
One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."
The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."
Don't worry, you can trust my parachutes.
They've got a lifetime guarantee.
An American, a Brit, and a Canadian are in a plane ...
The pilot informs them that the plane is going down, there's no more parachutes, and they're going to have to jump anyway. The American yells for god and country! , and jumps out. The Brit yells for the Queen! , and jumps out. The Canadian yells for fun! , and jumps out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a c**... and a parachute?
If one is torn, you get +1 human, if another -1 human.
My friend decided to skydive without a parachute
I didn't hear from him after that, but someone told me he had a once in a lifetime experience.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Translated Chinese joke
Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!
Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off
Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out
Bad news: The parachute failed midair
Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him
Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with s**...t
Good news: He didn't land on the s**...t
Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"
I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"
"You think parachuting will finally bring joy to your life?"
"You're just setting yourself up for a bigger fall"
A guy goes into a parachute store.....
and sees a row of parachutes selling for $200 and another row of parachutes selling for $6,000. Confused, he asks a salesman what the $200 rigs were for. The salesman says they were for parachuting. More confused, he asked the salesman what the $6,000 rigs were for. The salesman said they were for parachuting twice.
Plane Joke
There was a plane about to go down. The people who were on there were: Trump, The Pope, The Pilot, and 3rd grader. There are three parachutes. The Pope grabs a parachute and says; "I am more important" Then bails. Trump grabs a parachute and says "I am the worlds smartest man. I can't die" Then bails. The Pilot looks at the kid and said here have my Parachute, the kid responded No need to, the "worlds smartest man" grabbed my backpack.
I'm too cheap to rent a parachute
I prefer free falling
Why was the skydiver sad?
Deploying the parachute was such a drag.
Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a little girl are on a crashing plane.
But there are only three parachutes. So Angela Merkel takes one, saying: "I'm really important so I should live." Donald Trump takes one, saying: "I'm the world's cleverest man, I should live!" But the Pope says to the little girl: "You're a young child, you're more important than me." But the girl says: "It's ok, the world's cleverest man just jumped off with my rucksack."
Skydiving humor
A news reporter was doing a story about skydiving and so he visited a drop zone and went for a ride on the plane to watch everyone jump. One of the plane's engines quit and all the skydivers immediately went out the door. Then the pilot put on his own parachute rig and headed toward the open door himself. The reporter yelled "What's happening? Is everything all right?" and the pilot said "Don't panic. I'm going to get help."
As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...
Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.
You are unlikely to see negative reviews when shopping online for Parachutes
Know what I mean!!!
If any such review you find out, let me know. LOL
Why does the skydiver have two parachutes?
Because the other one was on sale.
A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove
When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.
On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?
The guy falling responded, Nope, you know anything about parachutes?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't women parachute n**...?
That annoying whistling sound on the way down.
I decided to leave work an hour early today.
The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.
Did you know anyone can skydive without a parachute ?
But only once in their lifetime .
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plane is about to c**....
The pilot comes out of the cockpit, and solemnly addresses the passengers.
"The plane is going to c**.... There are 286 passengers, but only 285 parachutes. Does anybody know how to pray?"
A minister in the middle row raises his hand.
"Good." The pilot says. "You start praying. The rest of us will take the parachutes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there were 4 people on a private jet
Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.
In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to c**....
So Oprah Winfrey says the world needs me and grabs a parachute and jumps off.
Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off without saying anything.
Then there's only one parachute left.
Barack Obama says to the girl, little girl, you are the future to our country, you take the last parachute.
Then the little girl says actually there's two left.
Barack Obama says how ?
Then the little girl says because trump just took my school backpack.
