Para Jokes

What are some Para jokes?

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Paranoids

"You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around."

Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend...

Do it with a parachute.

Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.

What does "paralympics" stands for?

It doesn't.

Parallel lines have got so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never get to meet.

I know that I'm paranoid.

But I worry that I may not be paranoid enough.

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

"Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club."

Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

"Ok, same difference."

*looks at group*

Oh, this guy is good.

I'm a paranoid narcissist...

I'm afraid no one's out to get me!

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.

As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.

She yells out to him, Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?

He replies back No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??

Paraprosdokians

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

* Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put'DOCTOR'.

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

What do a three paragraph term paper and a 5'2" Mexican have in common?

They're both short essays.

As a paramedic, I've learned that there is something you can never say with a straight face:

I'm having a stroke.

Do you know what paraplegics can't stand?

*that

What's better than a paradox?

A pair of nurses

I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.

No strings attached.

Paraprosdokians

*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.

If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

You're never too old to learn ...something stupid.


My paraplegic girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheel chair...

Next thing I knew, she came crawling back to me

Why did the paranoid man take the elevator?

He couldn't handle the stares...

Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)

I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.

The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.

Thanks

A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke.

He had a one night stand.

A paralyzed man got a new set of legs from a death row inmate.

Don't worry, the other guy got the chair.

A paraplegic stole my camo shirt

You can hide but you can't run!

Everyone keeps saying I'm paranoid...

This must be some sort of conspiracy...

Take me down to the paraphrase city.

Where it's nice.

Paratrooper

How many successful jumps does a paratrooper have to make before he is ready for combat?

All of them.

I'm paradoxical and contradictory,

I hate redundancy and repetition.

I was always paranoid and afraid that everyone would sexually assult me, so I went to see a therapist. And my fear came true.

Apparently I didn't see the space in between therapist.

A paraplegic went down a runway...

She made for a great roll-model.

Why didn't the paraplegic look in the mirror?

He couldn't stand to see himself like that.

You do not need a parashoot to go skydiving.

You need a parashoot to go skydiving twice.

Parallel Parking

They say that the worst problem with parallel parking is the witnesses.

But if you are really bad at it, you can eliminate that problem.

What did one parallel line say to the other?

It's a shame we'll never meet.

Why can't paraplegics cook Chinese food?

Because they can't "wok."

Note: May be cheesy and offensive, but I coined this joke when humor could be silly and irreverent, and y'all were begging for non-reposts.

Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...

Must be something in the water.

Why didn't the paranoid schizophrenic have any money in the bank?

He had a tendency to withdraw.

Paramedics

When one medic just isn't enough

I think my paranoia is getting worse.

But that's just what they want me to think.

Paranoia is a man's best friend

You really shouldn't trust him though

What is the best paradox?

A Stormtrooper shooting at a red shirt. One can't hit anything, and the other won't dodge.

If a parachute fails while skydiving, don't worry!

You have plenty of time. You have the rest of your entire life to fix it!

A parachutist died

I didn't know him but his friend said he was a real ' down to earth' guy

I'm really paranoid that I'll see a naked picture of my sister on the Internet and not know it.

It would be way hotter if I knew that it was her.

Do you know why there isn't paracetamol in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat'em all.

I noticed the Para Olympics distances are in Meters

I guess they don't have or can't use Feet

Parapsychologists

I just want to take this moment to give a shout out to parapsychologists, the only folks brave enough to jump out of airplanes to provide emergency counseling.

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

A Paraplegic walks into a bar..

Oh wait....

What do you call a mexican midget?

A para, cuz he's too short for an esse.

So



the new Paranormal Activity 3 is about a ghost who stalks little girls and makes them play with him late at night when the mum and step-dad are not around.



Glad to see Michael Jackson back to his old tricks.

How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal?

handsfree

Parachute for sale...

...Used once, never opened, small stain.

Why don't paraplegic people like eye contact?

Idunno, they just really not a fan of stares.

A paralyzed man calls U-Haul...

"Hey can you help me move?"

Paranoia Hotline

I phoned the Paranoia Helpline, but I hung up after fifty-nine seconds.

I'm sure they were trying to trace my call.

"You think parachuting will finally bring joy to your life?"

"You're just setting yourself up for a bigger fall"

How did the paramedics know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove box

My parachute didn't deploy

At least I have the rest of my life to fix it.

Why are paraplegics bad project teammates?

They never carry their own weight.

What did the paraphilic do after one night stand?

The other night stand, the bed post and the dressing table

Being paranoid isn't so bad.

Wait, who said that?!

The paraplegic mythical creature wasn't walking...

He was draggin!

What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun?

A colt.

What's the paradox of 'lingerie'?

Done right, it doesn't linger.

The parachute making business must be great!

Because nobody ever comes back to complain about a failed chute!

Why do paramedics always drink coffee?

Because they don't have time for casual-tea!

What is a paradox?

A small medical clinic.

First they came for the paragraphs. Then they came for the sentences. Then they came for the vowels.

nd thn thy cm fr m

What is a paranoid man's favorite food?

Who wants to know?

Is this the Paranoiac Club?

How did you find us!?

Sometimes I know I'm just being paranoid.....

The rest of the time I'm surprised how many people are out to get me.

The Parachuteless Dave

Michael: Dave is so brave! He jumped out of a plane without a parachute!

John: Ohh is it true? Where did you get the news?

Michael: From his funeral.

Paramount is making a movie about a pair of Chinese race car drivers...

It's called "Two Wongs Don't Make a Right"

Paradox of a ghost town.

A ghost town wouldn't be called a ghost town if ghosts actually lived there.

I like everything

Except paradoxes

If I had paradigms for every time I used a word I didn't understand...

...I'd be 20 cents richer as of this post.

Paradox Corporation just opened.

They're doing everything they can to go out of business.

Parasol

It's an umbrella term.

How do you help a paraplegic kill themselves?

Give them a push.

Parallel lines have so much in common,

but this plane is non-euclidean so I can't come up with a good punchline

How to make Para puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Para to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Para? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Para pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes