The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!
You have the rest of your life to fix it.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
"You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around."
Do it with a parachute.
Still got an A+
You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.
It doesn't.
It's a shame they'll never get to meet.
But I worry that I may not be paranoid enough.
But they never meet!
Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
"Ok, same difference."
*looks at group*
Oh, this guy is good.
I'm afraid no one's out to get me!
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
Because her ripcord malfunctioned.
As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.
She yells out to him, Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?
He replies back No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
* Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put'DOCTOR'.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
They're both short essays.
I'm having a stroke.
*that
A pair of nurses
No strings attached.
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something stupid.
Next thing I knew, she came crawling back to me
He couldn't handle the stares...
I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.
The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.
Thanks
He had a one night stand.
Don't worry, the other guy got the chair.
You can hide but you can't run!
This must be some sort of conspiracy...
Where it's nice.
How many successful jumps does a paratrooper have to make before he is ready for combat?
All of them.
I hate redundancy and repetition.
Apparently I didn't see the space in between therapist.
She made for a great roll-model.
He couldn't stand to see himself like that.
You need a parashoot to go skydiving twice.
They say that the worst problem with parallel parking is the witnesses.
But if you are really bad at it, you can eliminate that problem.
It's a shame we'll never meet.
Because they can't "wok."
Note: May be cheesy and offensive, but I coined this joke when humor could be silly and irreverent, and y'all were begging for non-reposts.
Must be something in the water.
He had a tendency to withdraw.
When one medic just isn't enough
But that's just what they want me to think.
You really shouldn't trust him though
A Stormtrooper shooting at a red shirt. One can't hit anything, and the other won't dodge.
You have plenty of time. You have the rest of your entire life to fix it!
I didn't know him but his friend said he was a real ' down to earth' guy
It would be way hotter if I knew that it was her.
Because the parrots eat'em all.
I guess they don't have or can't use Feet
I just want to take this moment to give a shout out to parapsychologists, the only folks brave enough to jump out of airplanes to provide emergency counseling.
They were both an arms race.
Oh wait....
A para, cuz he's too short for an esse.
the new Paranormal Activity 3 is about a ghost who stalks little girls and makes them play with him late at night when the mum and step-dad are not around.
Glad to see Michael Jackson back to his old tricks.
handsfree
...Used once, never opened, small stain.
Idunno, they just really not a fan of stares.
"Hey can you help me move?"
I phoned the Paranoia Helpline, but I hung up after fifty-nine seconds.
I'm sure they were trying to trace my call.
"You're just setting yourself up for a bigger fall"
They found her head and shoulders in the glove box
At least I have the rest of my life to fix it.
They never carry their own weight.
The other night stand, the bed post and the dressing table
Wait, who said that?!
He was draggin!
A colt.
Done right, it doesn't linger.
Because nobody ever comes back to complain about a failed chute!
Because they don't have time for casual-tea!
A small medical clinic.
nd thn thy cm fr m
Who wants to know?
How did you find us!?
The rest of the time I'm surprised how many people are out to get me.
Michael: Dave is so brave! He jumped out of a plane without a parachute!
John: Ohh is it true? Where did you get the news?
Michael: From his funeral.
It's called "Two Wongs Don't Make a Right"
A ghost town wouldn't be called a ghost town if ghosts actually lived there.
Except paradoxes
...I'd be 20 cents richer as of this post.
They're doing everything they can to go out of business.
It's an umbrella term.
Give them a push.
but this plane is non-euclidean so I can't come up with a good punchline
We have collected gags and puns about Para to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Para? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Para pick up lines to share with friends.