Paper Jokes
173 paper jokes and hilarious paper puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paper that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make them laugh out loud with these hilariously funny paper jokes! Get ready to have some fun with izal toilet paper and print out of obituaries in a notebook. Read these puns now to crackle with laughter!
Quick Jump To
- Short Paper Jokes
- Paper One Liners
- Toilet Paper Jokes
- Piece Paper Jokes
- Paper Bag Jokes
- Paper Towels Jokes
- More Paper Jokes
Funniest Paper Short Jokes
Short paper jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paper humour may include short printer jokes also.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.
- I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages! - I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.
- A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper He proceeded to draw his weapon
- The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
- How do you make your wife scream after s**...? Wipe your d**... on the curtain.
- From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings? For all the party poopers!
- I really wanted to watch the International origami Championships tonight. Sadly, it's only on paper view.
- I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
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Paper One Liners
Which paper one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paper? I can suggest the ones about sheet and journal.
- I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
- My teacher accused me of plagiarising my paper. His words. Not mine.
- I can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again
- Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it
- I have written a book on Penguins In hindsight, paper would have been better.
- I wrote a book on penguins once.. Paper probably would've been better!
- I don't trust people with graph paper They're always plotting something
- a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was.. Pun in, 10 dead.
- I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off
- I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspaper The Times are rough
- My paper aeroplane won't fly. It's completely stationery.
- What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? Stationary.
- Never trust anybody who has graph paper. They're always plotting something.
- I asked arnold schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was He said Aisle B, back.
- I heard Reggae music coming from my printer. The paper was jammin'
Toilet Paper Jokes
Here is a list of funny toilet paper jokes and even better toilet paper puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
- Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles uranus looking for Klingons
- Wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
You know, roll reversal. - I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…
- I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead. The Times are rough
- I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom... but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
- I think I really connected with my inner self today… That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
- I really got in touch with my inner self today. I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.
- I got in touch with my inner self today. Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.
- What does the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.
Piece Paper Jokes
Here is a list of funny piece paper jokes and even better piece paper puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint. He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
- After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside! It was unfortunate.
- My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. He calls it my birth certificate.
- I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday I think he may be plotting something.
- It's not often people compliment my parking.... but the other day, I came back from work and saw a piece of paper on may car that said "Parking Fine". That was nice of them!
- I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint. She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.
- What did the pencil say to the suspicious piece of paper? I dot my i's on you!
-Heard this from an 85 year old lady in a nursing facility. The mental image of this joke is quite funny! - 600 Stimulus check joke The next stimulus check is just a piece of paper that says "good luck"
- Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it? Because it was stationary.
- A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper "What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.
Paper Bag Jokes
Here is a list of funny paper bag jokes and even better paper bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir? Customer: Whatever, you pick.
Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can't be choosers. - My boss told me not to bring my lunch to work in a brown paper bag. I told him that I'll drink my lunch how I want.
- A guy walks into a bakery He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".
- A cowboy is buying condoms. "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please" he says.
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier.
"Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..." - What do you call people who worship paper bags? Sack religious
- At the pharmacist A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms.
The druggist asked " Would you like a paper bag?"
The guy shakes his head and says "Nah, she ain't that ugly." - Getty Yup! Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly." - I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly... But there's a paper bag machine in the gents'.
- There's new offshoot of the Catholic Church that worships a paper bag as the divine manifestation of the One, True God. It's pretty sack-religious.
- A guy buys some condoms... A guy is buying a box of condoms at the store. After paying the clerk, the clerk asks him "Do you want a paper bag with that?" He replies, "Nah, she's not that ugly."
Paper Towels Jokes
Here is a list of funny paper towels jokes and even better paper towels puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.
...I'll see myself out. :-/ - I came into a large sum of money recently... Which is weird, because I normally just use paper towels.
- pirate joke I saw a pirate walking down the street and he had a paper towel on his head so I said "what's with the paper towel." he said "arrgh got a Bounty on me head."
- A pirate walks in a bar... A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says "whats with that" the Pirate says "ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"
- A pirate wearing a paper towel on his head walks into a bar. The bartender asks What's with the paper towel? The pirate says Arrr matey, I have a bounty on me head!
- A pirate walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel on your head?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr, I got a bounty on me head." - A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and asks him why.
The pirate replies, "Arr, I've got a bounty on me head!" - A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "
The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head " - A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel stuck under his hat... The bartender says "what's up with the paper towel under your hat?"
The pirate replied "Arrgh, there be a Bounty on me head!" - My paper towels went missing so I hired a Bounty hunter.
Laughable Paper Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about paper you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean paste jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paper pranks.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Little Johnny Has A Question
A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.
His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."
So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."
The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.
"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.
The boy looked at his father, puzzled.
He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of w**...!"
Drunk in confession booth.
A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
I read in the local paper someone was going around pickpocketing midgets.
I never thought someone could stoop so low.
A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.
After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her s**... life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the s**... life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
An Elderly Couple
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent f**..., what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....
I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.
Two men sit down at a restaurant.
A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.
He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty r**....
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Oh. So it's you then.
Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?
Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
I always wanted to tell jokes...
I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.
A drunk enters...
...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts b**... on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:
"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."
I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt...
Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper
looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
A dog goes into a telegraph office
A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.
The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price.
The dog looks confused and replies, But that would make no sense at all."
From my nine year old...
He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy
Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates?
They hate plaque buildup.
Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel
Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)
I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
I was reading in the paper...
And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
I thought to myself, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.
Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...
She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"
I got a paper cut while writing my s**... note.
It's a start.
A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"
A woman gets up in the morning
wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
Visiting my first grade son at school lunch today...
Me: How is school going so far?
Son: Good, I had a test.
Me: What was your test on?
Son: Paper.
I found out what that math teacher with graph paper from yesterday's joke was plotting....
...weapons of math instruction.
My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...
He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."
Graduated top of his class...
I wrote a book on penguins...
In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier...
A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.
The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."
A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, "What's this?"
The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."
The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"
The kid says, "The cow ate it all."
"Ok, then where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."
Two men are standing in line in Russia
One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.
One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it!
6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. :)
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock's paper scissors.
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own a**....
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.
I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.
Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.
They have obviously never seen me wiping my a**... when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.
A man walks into an Indian restaurant.
The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?
The man replies, No, I haven't.
The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.
An original joke from my 7 year old daughter
Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?
Don't worry about it, it's tearable!
{I'm sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}
A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers
The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.
The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.
The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!
A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.
And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?
The patient answered, s**....
The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?
s**..., the patient replied.
Then the doctor drew a triangle.
It reminds me of s**..., the patient stated.
You seem to be obsessed with s**..., the shrink told the patient.
*I'm* obsessed with s**...? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop...
I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper
Scissors...
