The Funniest Pants Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it
Trying to get into smaller pants
YO momma so n**......
She pours salt water down her pants to keep the c**... fresh.
Girls pants are like a cheap hotel...
... no ballroom.
The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..
... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see?
His but-quack.
What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?
No ballroom.
Why did the snowman take his pants off?
He heard the snow blower was coming.
William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.
They're going to be called Shatner Pants.
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on.
My grandfathers favorite joke.
My boss noticed I s**... before coming in to the office today
then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on
You can explore pants garment reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pants legging dad jokes. There are also pants puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
5 p**...
A man visits his doctor and tells him,
"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 p**...!"
To which the doctor replies,
"5 p**...! How do your pants fit?"
"Like a glove!"
What's the best way to make pants last?
Make the jacket first.
Sammy just bought a new pair of pants.
He's explaining to Dean that these pants were specially fitted for dancing.
"Ballroom?" Dean asks.
"Not much," Sammy replies.
Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow-blower was coming.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat?
Because she tried on your wife's pants and they fit.
Black guy and a white girl hook up.
A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way.
Trying to get into smaller pants.
A man is at his doctor ...
... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an e**... at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an e**..." "No but I do" the doctor replied.
My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful.
I told her, "urinate out of ten."
My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".
When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"
Why do electricians wear pants?
Because they hate shorts.
A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 p**..."
The doctor says "Woow, how do your pants fit?", he replies "like a glove"
I went to see a therapist.
I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."
Why is wrestling s**...??
It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....
What has 100 legs but can't walk?
50 pairs of pants.
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day
...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".
Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...
...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...
What did the letter O say to the letter Q?
"For God's sake man, put some pants on!"
What type of pants do you need to start a car?
Cargo pants
Boss p**...
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I was invited to a party...
'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"
The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."
What's the difference between a priest and his dog?
One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.
Told my girlfriend that there was a party in my pants and that she was invited.
She asked if it was a search party :(
Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"
Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."
~~
Happiness is like peeing in your pants
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris
Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.
Three things that never lie.....
Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants
I saw my girlfriend midway through s**... with another guy.
So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.
Wrestling is s**...
Men without pants fighting over a belt.
Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.
He could have called it Billie Jeans.
Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!
Kids pants would be half off there.
Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?
So he could run his fingers through his hair!
A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.
"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"
The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."
Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?
Aunts in his pants...
When I go to a costume party this year, I'm showing up wearing only a pair of jeans.
That way when I'm asked what my costume is, I'll say "I'm a p**... ejaculator. I just came in my pants."
You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.
Just in case you get a hole in one.
A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.
The next day he pooped his pants.
I didn't know what to wear to my first Masturbaters Anonymous meeting the other day...
So I just came in my pants
Just pooped my pants.
Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.
I was having a prostate exam...
Me:*squirms
Doctor: Don't worry, it's perfectly fine to have an e**... at a time like this.
So I tried to ignore the bulge in his pants.
How did Jared the subway guy begin and end his career?
By trying to get into smaller pants.
What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?
I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.
Also, my parents are real.
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 p**....
The doctor says, " 5 p**...!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'
It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.
Over there next to mine, was not the answer I was expecting.
Wrestling is so s**...;
men with no pants, fighting for a belt.
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
My friend said, That's a nice-a**... shirt you're wearing.
I said, Thanks. They are called pants, not an a**... shirt.
I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar
Almost made me puma pants
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally p**... your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
(Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave)
A man takes off his shirt in the gym.
A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf's you have! The man then replies, that's two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of his underwear. The blonde runs off screaming in fear. When the man catches up to her he asks, Why did you run away? The blonde replies, I didn't wanna be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"
From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?
Thunderwear!
Drunk guy at a bar
So there's a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to v**.... Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me! Says the drunkard. Let me help you with that , says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and gave you 10 dollar for the inconvenience. Off he goes, the drunk guy.. he tells his wife the story and hands her 20 dollar. But you said 10 dollar , replies his wife. Yes but the idiot also s**... in my pants!
A Proctology exam.
A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.
The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.
Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an e**... the doctor says.
The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.
Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.
I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run
If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .
A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems
"Doc. My b**... just ain't right the past few days." he says.
"Alright," says the doctor.
"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."
The guy does so, points and says,
"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."
The doctor is taken back and says,
"Well... I believe it is hurting because you just called it the entrance"
A man finds a genie in a bottle
He rubs it. A genie pops out "you have two wishes"
The guy says "hold up, aren't I supposed to get three wishes?"
the genie replies "Check your pants"
The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says "how did you know?"
Genie says "I've been doin this a while."
A body builder takes off his shirt.
A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!" He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that. She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom
Teacher: sing the ABC's, then I'll let you go
Kindergartner: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Teacher: Where's the P?
Kindergartner: It's running down my pants!
A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...
She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her hands inside. She massages him tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
He replies: "It feels great but I still think my thumb is broken".
My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?
Because his snow b**... are too big.
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians
Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have b**... of steel. Even women.
An old man in a nursing home says to a woman I bet you can't guess how old I am. The woman responds I bet I can, drop your pants.
He does and the woman says you're 96 years old. Amazed, the old man asked her how she knew that and she told him you told me at breakfast.
Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …
And 100% of men don't care.
A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.
The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."
A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.
The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. "Dude," he says. "You have to put the potato in the front."
A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.
The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"
"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!''
He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running he catches her and says, "Why were you running?"
She said I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."
What's worse than 10 ants in your pants?
One uncle.
The doctor asked me to take off my pants for a physical...
I asked him "where should I put them" he coyly replied "just put them on top of mine"
I asked the proctologist where I should place my pants
He said just throw them over there by mine …
I was having a problem with my rear end so I went to see the doctor...
... The doc said, "well let's have a look". I dropped may pants and the doctor gave a thorough look and then said, "well, nothing is obviously wrong, what seems to be the problem?".
I said, "I can't stop showing it to people".
I went to a gender reveal party last week.
Everyone freaked out when I pulled down my pants.
A boy has to use the restroom in class
When he asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom she tells him, you can go if you can tell me the alphabet.
Annoyed, but really needing to go, he starts. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z
The teacher then says, that was close, but where is the P?
It's running down my pants
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Because he wanted to get a hole in one!
Brown Pants
During the French and Indian Wars in North America, the French captured a British Officer during an engagement. Later that evening the French officers gathered and dined with the new captive.
After dinner the French commander asked their prisoner Sir, we have been wondering why British officers wear a red coat, as it makes you an obvious target for our sharpshooters . The British officer replied We wear it so that if we are wounded, the sight of our blood does not panic our men .
Ever since that day, French Officers have worn brown pants.
I'm gonna open a store dedicated to making pants for people with large butts
I'll call it "Big Booty Britches"
