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Pants Jokes

175 pants jokes and hilarious pants puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pants that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for the best pants jokes? You'll find them here, along with silly jokes about underwear, jeans, and other types of pants.

Funniest Pants Short Jokes

Short pants jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pants humour may include short robe jokes also.

  1. Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it Trying to get into smaller pants
  2. Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga … And 100% of men don't care.
  3. My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants? Because he took a leek!
    (Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave)
  4. Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way. Trying to get into smaller pants.
  5. During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
  6. Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler.... The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"
  7. Happiness is like peeing in your pants Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
  8. I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination. Over there next to mine, was not the answer I was expecting.
  9. If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.
    My grandfathers favorite joke.
  10. The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants.. ... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

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Pants One Liners

Which pants one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pants? I can suggest the ones about coat and cloth.

  1. Why is Jon Snow so ticklish? Aunts in his pants...
  2. What did the letter O say to the letter Q? "For God's sake man, put some pants on!"
  3. You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing. Just in case you get a hole in one.
  4. Why did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.
  5. What has 100 legs but can't walk? 50 pairs of pants.
  6. Why do electricians wear pants? Because they hate shorts.
  7. Just pooped my pants. Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.
  8. What's worse than 10 ants in your pants? One uncle.
  9. I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar Almost made me puma pants
  10. What's the best way to make pants last? Make the jacket first.
  11. Girls pants are like a cheap hotel... ... no ballroom.
  12. What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.
  13. Three things that never lie..... Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants
  14. Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow-blower was coming.
  15. From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants? Thunderwear!

Pee Your Pants Jokes

Here is a list of funny pee your pants jokes and even better pee your pants puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I used to pee my pants every time i had to talk in front of my 3rd grade class It really killed my teaching career.
  • Happiness is like peeing in your pants.... I haven't experienced it since I was eight.
  • Friendship... Is like peeing your pants. Everyone around you can see it but only you can feel the warmth it brings.
  • I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants. But he's not believing it and still making fun of me.
  • Kissing is like peeing your pants Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat
  • Having a good friend is just like peeing your pants. Everybody can see it but only you feel that warm sensation of happiness.
  • I tried to teach my son that it's normal to pee in your pants. But he still teases me about it.
  • A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom. His urination spells his ruination.
  • Being in love is like peeing your pants: everybody sees it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
  • It's not true that if you die in your dreams, you die in real life. However, if you pee your pants in your dreams...

Peeing Pants Jokes

Here is a list of funny peeing pants jokes and even better peeing pants puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Being married is like peeing in your pants... At first it's nice and hot, but then it just gets sloppy and uncomfortable.
  • Two dogs are running through the desert One turns to the other and says
    "if we don't find a tree soon, I'm going to pee my pants"
  • A little girl at school was being told off by her teacher for peeing her pants, Teacher said Daisy why didn't you put your hand up? Daisy replied I did miss. But it trickled through my fingers.
  • What would happen if politicians pants caught fire whenever they lied? Nothing. They'd be back in business after peeing they're pants for getting caught cheating too.
  • Hate shaking it off after peeing then putting it back in my pants still makes it dribble down my leg ... ... wish I could say a punch line but it's 40 y/o facts
  • What pants are the safest. Jeans. They require a 2 step verification process to pee.
  • The actor who played Pee Wee Herman, Paul Reubens, has decided to start his own dry cleaning service. It's called Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off
  • What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common? It's quiet and embarrassing.
Pants joke, What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common?

Yoga Pants Jokes

Here is a list of funny yoga pants jokes and even better yoga pants puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants: 1. Weigh less than the animals they represent
    2.
    3.
  • An estimated 70% of women who wear yoga pants don't do yoga. An estimated 100% of straight men do not care.
  • They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind But I like to think he had posterior motives.
  • There's only three things that tell the truth in the world Kids, Alcoholics and yoga pants.
  • What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart? Cashier
  • I think my mirror is broken I said pumpkin spice latte 3 times in front of it and no white girl in yoga pants appeared.
  • What do deaf-mute people like about yoga pants? They make lip-reading easier.
  • Nothing against fat chicks having high self-esteem Just not yoga pants high
  • Some say... 75% of women that wear yoga pants don't do yoga.
    And 100% of straight men don't care.
  • What 3 things that tell the truth? Drunk men.
    Little children.
    Yoga pants.
Pants joke, What 3 things that tell the truth?

The Funniest Pants Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh

What funny jokes about pants you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean laces jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pants pranks.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

YO momma so n**......

She pours salt water down her pants to keep the c**... fresh.

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her p**... and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your p**....'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-a**... attitude, you never will.'

There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see?

His but-quack.

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."

William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.

My boss noticed I s**... before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

two men are driving down the country road when....

...one man sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. he pulls the truck over, gets out, walks up to the sheep and pulls down his pants and has s**... with the sheep. After he is done he walks back and tells his buddy "hey man its your turn". his buddy walks over to the sheep, gives a deep sigh, and sticks his head in the fence.

These pants fit like a cheap hotel...

No ballroom.

5 p**...

A man visits his doctor and tells him,
"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 p**...!"
To which the doctor replies,
"5 p**...! How do your pants fit?"
"Like a glove!"

Khakis

In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive.

Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"

Sammy just bought a new pair of pants.

He's explaining to Dean that these pants were specially fitted for dancing.
"Ballroom?" Dean asks.
"Not much," Sammy replies.

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

Food has replaced s**... in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat?

Because she tried on your wife's pants and they fit.

Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is...having s**....
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 60 success is...having s**....
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Because he had a hole in one.

A traditional Iranian joke

A man has a very bad case of worms so he goes to very famous doctor. the doctor assesses his case and says go to the market buy the biggest juicy watermelon you can find, cut off one end drop your pants and sit on it. The worms will go into it and leave your body. So the guy does just that and when he sits down the king worm comes out tastes the watermelon and says " bring it in boys"!

Trying to catch the bus

A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and everytime he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :" Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" thats nothing soon you will sht your pants, because im the bus driver"

What is worse than ants in your pants?

......... Uncles.

What did O say to Q?

"Pull your pants up will ya?"

A man is at his doctor ...

... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an e**... at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an e**..." "No but I do" the doctor replied.

My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful.

I told her, "urinate out of ten."

My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".

When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 p**..."

The doctor says "Woow, how do your pants fit?", he replies "like a glove"

I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."

Why is wrestling s**...??

It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....

Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to the Masters.

Just in case they get a hole in one.

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

Tight pants are like a cheap hotel...

No ball room

A pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why is there a steering wheel sticking out your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".
Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...
...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

What type of pants do you need to start a car?

Cargo pants

Boss p**...

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

I was invited to a party...

'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"
The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."

What's the difference between a priest and his dog?

One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants.

Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.
Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.

Told my girlfriend that there was a party in my pants and that she was invited.

She asked if it was a search party :(

Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."
~~

A nun asks another

What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?
Nun: I would lift up my dress
Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?
Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down
Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?
Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.

Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris

Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.

When is a pixie not a pixie?

When she's got her head down an elf's pants, then she's a goblin.

I saw my girlfriend midway through s**... with another guy.

So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

And the bartender asks "what's wrong?"
The man replied "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

Wrestling is s**...

Men without pants fighting over a belt.

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.
Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!
Kids pants would be half off there.

Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?

So he could run his fingers through his hair!

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"
The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

I didn't know what to wear to my first Masturbaters Anonymous meeting the other day...

So I just came in my pants

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"
Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..

My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

I was having a prostate exam...

Me:*squirms
Doctor: Don't worry, it's perfectly fine to have an e**... at a time like this.
So I tried to ignore the bulge in his pants.

How did Jared the subway guy begin and end his career?

By trying to get into smaller pants.

This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants

It's not my fault I have to read things in braille

Pants joke, This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants

jokes about pants