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Panic Jokes

144 panic jokes and hilarious panic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about panic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laughing in the face of fear? Panic Jokes are a way of coping with dread and paranoia. Suddenly, it's everywhere: Widespread Panic, Petrol Panic, Panic Buying, Panic Attacks, Panic Disorder. Discover how a light-hearted approach to panic can help with everyday life!

Funniest Panic Short Jokes

Short panic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The panic humour may include short pain jokes also.

  1. How to find out if you're old or not: Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young. If they panic, you're old.
  2. I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8 Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
  3. If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it
  4. I'd like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother's Day! …and make all the Americans panic.
    (It's Mother's Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.)
  5. I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic… But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.
  6. As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots . . . . . . then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.
  7. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me; I think I'm shrinking. Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You're just going to have to be a little patient.
  8. When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in panic like his passengers.
  9. The girl I met last week said she wanted a guy who was "funny and spontaneous" I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...
  10. There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
    Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
    Doctor: I know... that's my name.

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Panic One Liners

Which panic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with panic? I can suggest the ones about anger and pies.

  1. My Mexican friend was freaking out, but I couldn't understand his panic.
  2. Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a kernel panic was a kfc that was out of chicken.
  3. U.S Border Patrol Putting the panic in Hispanic
  4. Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist? His-panic disorder.
  5. Why did the Mexican start taking anti anxiety medicine Because of his panic attacks
  6. Whats the difference between worry and panic? About 28 days
  7. What stops a Latino from performing well in a stressful situation? His panic.
  8. Do you know how flat-earthers call 2020? Panic! At The Disc
  9. How do you cause a panic at a Hollywood party? You say "Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen?"
  10. What ethnicity is a nervous snake? Hiss-panic.
  11. The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night... CNN and panic!
  12. What does Linus Torvalds get when he drops his popcorn? Kernel panic.
  13. It would be bad if someone got killed at a prom We would have a panic at the disco!!
  14. I tried watching the movie 'Panic Room' the other day, But I just couldn't get into it
  15. If Panic! At the disco were Mexican... They would be called Hispanics at the disco

Panic Attack Jokes

Here is a list of funny panic attack jokes and even better panic attack puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A muenster attacked Emmenthal institution. Everyone cheddared with panic. There was de brie everywhere. It was no Gouda.
  • I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel. I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
  • An astronaut is having a panic attack on the ISS The gravity of the situation was too little for him.

  • What did you get your mom for Mother's Day tomorrow? Besides a tiny, brief panic attack?

Panic Buy Jokes

Here is a list of funny panic buy jokes and even better panic buy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper... Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!
  • In Germany everybody is panic buying sausages and cheese. Apparently it's the wurst käse scenario.
  • Meanwhile in Glasgie People are panic buying nail polish, shoe polish, and even furniture polish.
    There seems to have been a wee misunderstanding about which polish won't be in the UK soon.
Panic joke, Meanwhile in Glasgie

Panic Disco Jokes

Here is a list of funny panic disco jokes and even better panic disco puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call it when a Disco DJ's Macbook crashes mid-set? Kernel panic at the disco.
  • Why was there Panic! At the Disco? Because there was Blood on the Dance Floor.
  • What rock band was popular among storm-troopers? Panic! AT-AT the disco
  • There's this sketchy joint downtown named "The Disco" ... ... I hear it causes a lot of panic!

Widespread Panic Jokes

Here is a list of funny widespread panic jokes and even better widespread panic puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If everyone saw the world through my eyes there'd be widespread fatalities in transportation and medicine not to mention mass panic as everyone started falling over and bumping into stuff
  • What do you call a frat party that runs out of c**...? Widespread Panic!
Panic joke, What do you call a frat party that runs out of c**...?

Hilarious Panic Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about panic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pong jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make panic pranks.

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the w**..., fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Did you pay the VISA bill?

A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"

So an old Nun goes to the gynecologist...

...for her normal check up. The doctor checks her out, and tells her the bad news. "Sister, I hate to tell you this, but you've got c**...." With a look of panic on her face, she says "That's impossible, I've never been with anyone! Can you look again?" Reluctantly, the doctor agrees to have another look. After a second check, the doctor looks up and says, "Sorry sister, they're not c**.... They're fruit flies, your cherry's gone bad!"

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era

In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."

Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)

One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A n**... LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool n**....
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a n**... lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person n**... I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.

This is the worst joke I've ever told, and I think it's hilarious. Am I really alone?

A woman bursts into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor! I'm having a panic attack!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "Calm down."

First Time

A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first s**... change operation!"
Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him.
True story...LOL!

Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

Did you hear about the pillow factory that blew up last week?

There was a big panic at first, but it's all settled down now.

So my son came home drunk at 2am.

I said, "excuse me, but you are out past curfew and I distinctly smell beer on your breath." "No dad, I'm sorry I'm home late but I wasn't drinking. My buddies and I were eating froglegs." So I looked at him and said, "I have been around for a while I know what beer smells like." He started to panic and said,"dad you're just smelling the hops."
EDIT : Apostrophe

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.
"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"
"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."

They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty.

Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.

3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad

The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"

Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?

It was an emergent sea.

Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...

When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"

A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident

He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".

Two guys got lost in the Egyptian desert

Both christians, one named John and the other named Thomas. They were starving and about to collapse when they spotted a Mosque, They rushed there for help. The Imam came out and asked for their names, John came up with 'Abdullah' in a panic and Thomas just said his name. The Imam hastily told the patrons to give Thomas food and water. While John had to wait and finish his fast.

This woman I met last night says she wants a guy who is "spontaneous and fun".

Yet when I tapped on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it is all panic and screaming.

A woman collapsed on the street

Her husband, luckily, was able to catch her in time.
"Is anyone here a doctor!?" The husband shouted with sheer panic in his tone.
A man barreled through the onlooking crowd, knocking a few of them over to join the husband and wife.
"I'm a vegan!" The man said.

A white man tells a black man

Why do people call you color man ?? To what the black man answers " I don't know
When I was born; I was black.
When I started to grow, I was black.
When I go to the beach I'm black.
When I have a cold I'm still black.
When I have panic I'm black.
When I'm sick I'm black.
even when I die I continued to be black.
Instead you my friend
When you're born you're pink.
When you start to grow you are white.
When you go to the beach you look red.
When you're cold you look blue.
When you have panic you look yellow.
When you're sick you look green.
When you die you turn gray ....
And they still dare to call me a color man

Two guys are hunting in the woods

All of a sudden, one collapses. His friend calls 911 in a panic. "What do I do? My friend is dead!" "Just calm down," says the operator. "An ambulance is on the way. First, we need to make sure he is actually dead." There is silence for a moment. The operator hears a loud BANG!!!! The hunter returns to the phone. "Okay, now what?"

A polar bear and a black bear are taking a stroll in the arctic...

When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".

I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough...

For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.

Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

Every woman wants to be swept off her feet.

It's when you put her in the trunk of your car that she starts to panic.

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets s**... into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."

Penguin

A bartender was working late at night when suddenly a man ran bursting through the door and asked the bartender.
Man: "QUICK, HOW TALL IS A PENGUIN?"
The bartender slightly confused, he simply said.
Bartender: "about this tall"
The man started to panic and said.
Man: "Oh god i ran over a nun!"

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

A guy goes to a doctor

"Hello" says the doctor. I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some really bad news.
the guy, who's mildly panic stricken asks "whats the really bad news?"
The doctor says: you've got a day left to live
"And just the bad?"
The doctor says "the clock on the wall is 40 minutes slow, but I should've told you 23 hours ago.

I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies...

On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!

Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?
Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!
He hanged himself in the basement!

What's a c**...'s favorite band?

Panic! at Nabisco.

A man calls a doctor in a panic

"Doctor, doctor!" the man cries. "My son swallowed my pencil, and I don't know what to do!!"
"Now calm down," assured the doctor. "Tell me this:
...do you have a *pen?*"

A blonde calls the front desk of her hotel in a panic.

"Help! I'm trapped in my room!" she says. "How do I get out?"
The clerk at the front desk says, "just go out the door."
"I tried," she says "but one just leads to the bathroom, and the other has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it!"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like Grandma.

Not screaming in panic like the passengers of her car.

A sewage worker has just started his first day on the job

He and his supervisor are standing over a manhole and the new guy begins to climb down.
Suddenly he looks up with a look of mild panic in his eyes and says,
"Wait, what happens if I fall in?"
His supervisor looks down and him and replies,
"Son, if you fall, u**... over you head."

guy: Doctor help me, my wifi is in labor

doc: Don't panic, is this her first child ?
guy: No, this is her husband you m**...!

A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store

A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store. He walks up to the counter and mutters, "Uh... hi... I'd like to buy some... condoms."
Cashier replies, "sure thing! That'll be $9.75 including tax."
The young man starts to panic and says, "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!!!"

Newton's 4th Law

A student in bed will remain in bed unless acted upon by a large enough panic

My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!"

"No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."

If you're skydiving and your parachute jams...

there's no need to panic; You have rest of your life to fix it.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

You know you're getting old when...

You don't panic at the sight of a cop car behind you in traffic.

This man goes to the doctor and the doctor said;

You seem to have forgotten everything you know about 80s music
The man in a state of panic asks; oh no, what is the cure
The doctor said; oh my god it's worse than I thought

A boy sees his dad's car being stolen

In panic, he calls his dad to tell about the event:
-Dad, I just saw someone stealing your car!
-What?! Did you see the person's face?
-No, but I took a picture of the license plate number!

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- Relax, Ernest, it's just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don't panic, the doctor says.
- But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.
- I know... just talking to myself.

I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away

She said No, d**.... It's all in your head

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.
He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notices several other players also ducked taped to their basses, bobbing in the water.
After a pause he yells out "Hey, do we get fed on this gig?"
"We did last year!" one answers.

A wife calls her husband in a panic...

Wife: "There's water in the carburetor!"
Husband: "The carburetor? That's ridiculous!"
Wife: "I'm telling you, the carburetor is completely flooded, there's water everywhere!"
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Let me come take a look. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool"

biometric test

*When your wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks, Dear, do you have any women in your life other than me ?*
*Remember your answer is not important at this time, what is important is your heartbeat. Keep your heart in control, Don't panic. It's just your biometric test.?*

Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it

...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.

I couldn't feel my legs so they hooked me up to a computer.

I couldn't feel my legs so they hooked me up to a computer, saying it would help me get my feeling back.
The computer kept getting panic attacks when they asked it to work though, I guess it's a nervous system.

Panicking, I told the doctor that I couldn't smell my food and it tasted plasticky. With a concerned look on his face, he told me to...

...remove it from the package.

What do Coronavirus panic in England and divorce in the United States have in common?

They're both commonly caused by BBC.

One to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of lot of people.

If they laugh, you are still young. If they panic and start running to you, you're old.

A blind man walks in to a shop

A bling man walks in to his shop and start swinging his guide dog round and round above his head. The shop assistant in a panic runs up to him and says sir sir what do you think you are doing the blind man replies I'm just looking around

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.
That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."
"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.
"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."

Guys imagine...

....Sleeping with a magician and he nuts in you and you panic but he says sike check your ear ...

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do! Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he's really a big lyre.

At 3'o'clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,

She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.
she says Have you been drinking?
the husband laughed and said No honey, I drove home.
The wife's face drops and she begins to panic.
The husband then starts to freak out and says What's wrong?!
The wife looks at him and angrily says
You can't drive and neither of us own a car.

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.
"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.
The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:
"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

A Hunter and his Friend go Hunting in the Woods. His Friend accidentally trips and hits his head.

The Man hurried to call 911.
911: 911, What's your Emergency?
Hunter: My Friend tripped and hit his head and he is not moving. What do I do?
911: Ok, Don't Panic. First, make sure if he is dead.
Hunter: Ok. *Long Pause* *Gunshot*
What Next?

A doctor is just about to perform surgery

So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.
Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: My name is not David.
Doctor: I know. I am David.

Panic joke, A doctor is just about to perform surgery

jokes about panic