Panic Jokes
141 panic jokes and hilarious panic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about panic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laughing in the face of fear? Panic Jokes are a way of coping with dread and paranoia. Suddenly, it's everywhere: Widespread Panic, Petrol Panic, Panic Buying, Panic Attacks, Panic Disorder. Discover how a light-hearted approach to panic can help with everyday life!
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Funniest Panic Short Jokes
Short panic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The panic humour may include short pain jokes also.
- How to find out if you're old or not: Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young. If they panic, you're old.
- I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8 Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
- I'd like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother's Day! …and make all the Americans panic.
(It's Mother's Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.) - I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic… But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.
- When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in panic like his passengers.
- The girl I met last week said she wanted a guy who was "funny and spontaneous" I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...
- There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name. - Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her… Dishes not the time to panic.
- I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough... For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.
- My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!" "No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."
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Panic One Liners
Which panic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with panic? I can suggest the ones about anger and pong.
- My Mexican friend was freaking out, but I couldn't understand his panic.
- Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist? His-panic disorder.
- Why did the Mexican start taking anti anxiety medicine Because of his panic attacks
- Whats the difference between worry and panic? About 28 days
- What stops a Latino from performing well in a stressful situation? His panic.
- Do you know how flat-earthers call 2020? Panic! At The Disc
- How do you cause a panic at a Hollywood party? You say "Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen?"
- What ethnicity is a nervous snake? Hiss-panic.
- The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night... CNN and panic!
- What does Linus Torvalds get when he drops his popcorn? Kernel panic.
- It would be bad if someone got killed at a prom We would have a panic at the disco!!
- I tried watching the movie 'Panic Room' the other day, But I just couldn't get into it
- What do you call a terrified snake? Hisss-panic
- Did you hear about the chaos at a Networking manufacturer? It was Panic at the Cisco.
- What do you call it when a Disco DJ's Macbook crashes mid-set? Kernel panic at the disco.
Panic Attack Jokes
Here is a list of funny panic attack jokes and even better panic attack puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A muenster attacked Emmenthal institution. Everyone cheddared with panic. There was de brie everywhere. It was no Gouda.
- I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel. I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
- An astronaut is having a panic attack on the ISS The gravity of the situation was too little for him.
- What did you get your mom for Mother's Day tomorrow? Besides a tiny, brief panic attack?
Panic Buying Jokes
Here is a list of funny panic buying jokes and even better panic buying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper... Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!
- Meanwhile in Glasgie People are panic buying nail polish, shoe polish, and even furniture polish.
There seems to have been a wee misunderstanding about which polish won't be in the UK soon.
Panic Disco Jokes
Here is a list of funny panic disco jokes and even better panic disco puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was there Panic! At the Disco? Because there was Blood on the Dance Floor.
- What rock band was popular among storm-troopers? Panic! AT-AT the disco
- There's this sketchy joint downtown named "The Disco" ... ... I hear it causes a lot of panic!
Widespread Panic Jokes
Here is a list of funny widespread panic jokes and even better widespread panic puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If everyone saw the world through my eyes there'd be widespread fatalities in transportation and medicine not to mention mass panic as everyone started falling over and bumping into stuff
Hilarious Panic Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about panic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alarm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make panic pranks.
My friend phoned me in a panic.
He said, "My dog is dying and I can't afford a vet. I was wondering if you wanted to buy my car?"
​
"Is it in good condition?" he asked.
​
"Yes, excellent."
​
"Then why does it need to go to the vet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the w**..., fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Did you pay the VISA bill?
A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an old Nun goes to the gynecologist...
...for her normal check up. The doctor checks her out, and tells her the bad news. "Sister, I hate to tell you this, but you've got c**...." With a look of panic on her face, she says "That's impossible, I've never been with anyone! Can you look again?" Reluctantly, the doctor agrees to have another look. After a second check, the doctor looks up and says, "Sorry sister, they're not c**.... They're fruit flies, your cherry's gone bad!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So people are loading into an airplane
And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."
A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era
In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)
One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A n**... LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool n**....
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a n**... lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person n**... I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.
This is the worst joke I've ever told, and I think it's hilarious. Am I really alone?
A woman bursts into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor! I'm having a panic attack!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "Calm down."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First Time
A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first s**... change operation!"
Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him.
True story...LOL!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
(JOKE)."LOVE IS IN THE AIR" sammy:have you notice every time miss piggy is not around and kermit the frog smell bacon cooking,he has a panic attack.
sammy:have you notice every time miss piggy is not around and kermit the frog smell bacon cooking,he has a panic attack.
A blonde was on a jet...
...and midway through the flight, the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've lost one of our engines. We can get along perfectly well with the other three, but we'll be arriving at our destination half an hour late."
Soon after he came on again: "Ladies and gentlemen, a second engine has failed, but there's no cause for alarm. We will, however, be arriving one hour late."
A while later he announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, the third engine is no longer working. No need to panic, but we'll be arriving two hours later than scheduled."
The blonde's seatmate turned to her and said, "Oh, dear, I do hope that last engine doesn't go out."
"You and me both," said the blonde. "We'll be up here all day!"
Did you hear about the pillow factory that blew up last week?
There was a big panic at first, but it's all settled down now.
I found this blond joke to be hilarious...
A blond driving a car became lost in a snow storm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
So my son came home drunk at 2am.
I said, "excuse me, but you are out past curfew and I distinctly smell beer on your breath." "No dad, I'm sorry I'm home late but I wasn't drinking. My buddies and I were eating froglegs." So I looked at him and said, "I have been around for a while I know what beer smells like." He started to panic and said,"dad you're just smelling the hops."
EDIT : Apostrophe
A businessman decides to go on vacation to NY !!!
A businessman decides to go on vacation to NY but he wants to fly cheap.
He goes to the airport and buys a ticket from brothers airlines, and halfway to New York the plane blows out an engine.
The captain lets them know they can make on three engines then a second engine blows out.
Again the captain says they can make it on two engines.
Then a third engine blows and the man starts to panic.
The captain comes on to say: "*We are approaching new harbor, to the right is the Statue of Liberty and to left is the Empire state building and directly below in the life raft is the captain and crew, thanks for flying brothers airlines*."
Death comes upon you. What do you tell him?
A man is wandering through a film studio, when he suddenly hears a loud crack. He looks up, and almost in slow motion, he sees a giant set piece falling towards him.
With a silent puff, the Grim Reaper appears beside him. In a panic, he points and shouts:
"Sean Bean is over there! "
Inspired by a battlenet forum post for Hearthstone :)
At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...
... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.
"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"
"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."
They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty.
Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Panic! At the disco were Mexican...
They would be called Hispanics at the disco
3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad
The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"
Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?
It was an emergent sea.
Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...
When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident
He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".
Al Lubel: Night Panic
I was lying in bed last night, I got scared: 'What if I died right now from very immensely, incredibly delayed crib death?'
Two guys got lost in the Egyptian desert
Both christians, one named John and the other named Thomas. They were starving and about to collapse when they spotted a Mosque, They rushed there for help. The Imam came out and asked for their names, John came up with 'Abdullah' in a panic and Thomas just said his name. The Imam hastily told the patrons to give Thomas food and water. While John had to wait and finish his fast.
A woman collapsed on the street
Her husband, luckily, was able to catch her in time.
"Is anyone here a doctor!?" The husband shouted with sheer panic in his tone.
A man barreled through the onlooking crowd, knocking a few of them over to join the husband and wife.
"I'm a vegan!" The man said.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A white man tells a black man
Why do people call you color man ?? To what the black man answers " I don't know
When I was born; I was black.
When I started to grow, I was black.
When I go to the beach I'm black.
When I have a cold I'm still black.
When I have panic I'm black.
When I'm sick I'm black.
even when I die I continued to be black.
Instead you my friend
When you're born you're pink.
When you start to grow you are white.
When you go to the beach you look red.
When you're cold you look blue.
When you have panic you look yellow.
When you're sick you look green.
When you die you turn gray ....
And they still dare to call me a color man
A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum
He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.
It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.
The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite from one another. Should last till you get to a gas station." The guy thinks about this, does so, and straightens up. "Pretty smart....uh, what are doing there ?" The patient replies "I'm here for being crazy, not being dumb."
The best way to tell if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people
If they laugh, you're young
If they panic, you're old
A polar bear and a black bear are taking a stroll in the arctic...
When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".
Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....
But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...
And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets s**... into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
I hope I pass away peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle did.
Not screaming in panic fear, like his passengers did.
I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies...
On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!
"Don't panic Jack... this a new procedure but everything is going to be alright"
- Doc, I am not Jack!
- I am.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a c**...'s favorite band?
Panic! at Nabisco.
A man calls a doctor in a panic
"Doctor, doctor!" the man cries. "My son swallowed my pencil, and I don't know what to do!!"
"Now calm down," assured the doctor. "Tell me this:
...do you have a *pen?*"
A blonde calls the front desk of her hotel in a panic.
"Help! I'm trapped in my room!" she says. "How do I get out?"
The clerk at the front desk says, "just go out the door."
"I tried," she says "but one just leads to the bathroom, and the other has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sewage worker has just started his first day on the job
He and his supervisor are standing over a manhole and the new guy begins to climb down.
Suddenly he looks up with a look of mild panic in his eyes and says,
"Wait, what happens if I fall in?"
His supervisor looks down and him and replies,
"Son, if you fall, u**... over you head."
Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.
One day, he's on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, leaning over his bed.
Your wife's fine, and she gave birth to two healthy twins, a boy and a girl. The doctors needed names, so I had to name them."
Jim was wary. What'd you name them?
I named the girl Denise, Jack said.
That's a good name, Jim breathed out a sigh of relief. What'd you name the boy?
Denephew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
guy: Doctor help me, my wifi is in labor
doc: Don't panic, is this her first child ?
guy: No, this is her husband you m**...!
At 30 years old I can look forward to 60% of my life ahead of me.
If the battery on my phone drops to 60% I immediately panic and start looking for a place to charge.
Newton's 4th Law
A student in bed will remain in bed unless acted upon by a large enough panic
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
You know you're getting old when...
You don't panic at the sight of a cop car behind you in traffic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
U.S Border Patrol
Putting the panic in Hispanic
Engineering professors and their students.....
A group of engineering professors boarded a plane to a conference.
After they are all seated, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic.
When they notice one weird looking professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?"
He answers "I know my students well. If they really did build this plane, I can say with 100% certainty that it will never even start."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man at the f**....
If I were to die, I would prefer to die as captain, all peacefully and sleeping.
Not screaming in panic, like his passengers.
A boy sees his dad's car being stolen
In panic, he calls his dad to tell about the event:
-Dad, I just saw someone stealing your car!
-What?! Did you see the person's face?
-No, but I took a picture of the license plate number!
There's alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should Romaine calm.
Everybody started to panic as I stated shooting in the mall
I said calm down everybody it's just insulin.
What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?
Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.
Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when they both are.
Panic struck, I couldn't understand why my dog was motionless...
Then I realized...it was on paws.
One of Trump's advisors ran up to him and asked in a panic what to do about Hurricane Katrina...
Trump said: "Give her the same deal we gave Stormy Daniels."
A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia
- Relax, Ernest, it's just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don't panic, the doctor says.
- But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.
- I know... just talking to myself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away
She said No, d**.... It's all in your head
A double bass player
A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.
He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notices several other players also ducked taped to their basses, bobbing in the water.
After a pause he yells out "Hey, do we get fed on this gig?"
"We did last year!" one answers.
biometric test
*When your wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks, Dear, do you have any women in your life other than me ?*
*Remember your answer is not important at this time, what is important is your heartbeat. Keep your heart in control, Don't panic. It's just your biometric test.?*
Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it
...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.
I couldn't feel my legs so they hooked me up to a computer.
I couldn't feel my legs so they hooked me up to a computer, saying it would help me get my feeling back.
The computer kept getting panic attacks when they asked it to work though, I guess it's a nervous system.
