Following is our collection of macaque humor and monkey one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Panda puns for adults, dirty distinct jokes or clean chimp gags for kids.
There is an abundance of koala jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes on panda. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any panda bears witze you can hear about panda.
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom...๏ปฟ
and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!
"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."
Shoots him 8 times in the black.
He sits down and orders: I'd like one whiskey.......and a coke please
The bartender brings him his drinks and asks:" Here you go, but why the big pause?"
The panda looks down to his hands and says:" I was born with them"
You just need P and A
The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.'
You bamboo-zle it.
Dad: what were you watching?
Son: Kung-Fu Panda
*\*robot slaps son\**
Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.
Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn't even know what an erotic movie was
*\*robot slaps dad\**
Mum: HAHAHA!!! He's your son after all
*\*robot slaps mum\**
He sits down at a table and orders a sandwich. When the waiter brings him his check he pulls out a gun, shoots him and starts walking towards the door.
The bartender shouts over to him "hey, what'd you do that for?"
The panda says "I'm a panda buddy, look it up!"
The bartender quickly looks up the definition and sees:
Panda- Bear from Central and Western China forests with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.
And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."
A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'
Here's mine:
A panda walks into a bar and orders his food and drinks. When he's done, the panda gets up and pulls out a gun, which he then shoots into the ceiling. He promptly leaves.
The next day, the panda goes into the same bar, at which point the bartender says, "Hey! You can't come in here after what you did yesterday, you didn't even pay!"
To which the panda says, "bartender, look up the definition of a panda in the dictionary."
The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads aloud, "panda - eats shoots and leaves."
The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.
Because it will create pandamonium
He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.
Why? Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.
I'm a panda, he says at the door, look it up.
The waiter flips to the page about pandas, and it says, Panda. Large black and white bear-like animal native to China. Eats, Shoots, and leaves
Credits: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, What do you want?
The bartender replies, First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.
The panda bear turns around and says, Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:
Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager and left the restaurant, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"
sits down and asks the bartender for food. after eating, gets up, takes out a gun and kills the bartender. as he is leaving, a shocked onlooker asks him "why did you do that?" and he answers "Hey. I'm a Panda. It's what I do."
in confusion, they look it up in an encyclopedia.
Panda. Mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.
A guy is driving his pick-up truck through a small town, and he's got a panda in the front seat with him.ย The guy spots a police officer, pulls over, and tells the officer he found a panda just walking along the road.ย Now the guy is wondering what to do with the panda.ย The police officer says, "Well, take it to the zoo, I guess."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the panda again in the front seat.ย Both are wearing baseball caps.ย The policeman pulls him over and says, "I thought you were going to take that panda to the zoo?" The man replied, "I did...and we had such a good time at the zoo that I took him to a baseball game."
[Long]
On his way to the door the waiter exclaims why the f*ck did you do that?!
To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, i'm a panda, look it up... before casually walking out the exit
After finding the relevant chapter the waiter reads:
Panda: Large black and white bear-like mammal; eats, shoots and leaves.
P and A
A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up, stretches, and pulls out a gun. He proceeds to shoot everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."
He tells the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and....................................................a coke, thank you."
"Sure thing," replied the bartender, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them," says the panda raising his paws.
sits down and begins looking at the menu. The waiter quite taken aback by this panda decides he doesn't look dangerous and takes his order. The panda eats his meal, takes out a handgun, shoots a few rounds off and gets up to leave.
The waiter now freaking out asks the panda "Why would you do that?!?" In which the panda replies "look it up" and hands him a really crappy looking dictionary. The waiter thumbs through it and finds the word "Panda"
It says:
Panda: a bear-like mammal that Eats, shoots and leaves.
A panda bear rolling down a hill
He orders his food just like normal. The waiter brings it out and he eats his meal. When the check comes, the panda pulls out a shotgun and shoots the waiter. He then promptly leaves. The cook sees this and says "Hey what was that for!?" The panda replies "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary." Once the panda left, the cook brought out a dictionary and looked up the word "panda."
"Panda - a black and white bear. Native to China. Eats chutes and leaves."
and orders some spaghetti. The waiter is surprised but still serves his order.
The panda eats the spaghetti slowly while reading a dictionary. After he is finished, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and exits the restaurant.
The manager is staggered by the turn of events and moves to check what the panda had left behind. He sees the open page on the dictionary and finds the following definition of 'panda':
"a large bear-like mammal with characteristic black-and-white markings, native to certain mountain forests in China. Eats shoots and leaves."
A panda walks into a cafรฉ. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation:
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.
The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a pistol. Fortunately, the wound was not fatal and the waiter lived. As the panda was leaving, the waiter croaked, "Why?".
The panda stops, turns around and whips out an encyclopedia page about pandas. It was very old and wasn't properly punctuated. It read, "Pandas: Eats, shoots and leaves."
He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She comes over and talks to the panda, and eventually the two of them go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?" says the panda.
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary.
It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
The Bartender is a little confused but hands the Panda a Menu.
The Panda points to a side of celery sticks, which the bartender quickly gives to him.
After a few moments of chomping loudly on the celery sticks, the panda abruptly gets up out of his chair, pulls out a gun, and fires several shots in the air!
Everyone freaks out but the Panda then makes his way to the door!
The frazzled Bartender asks the Panda,
Why do you do that?
The panda replies,
I'm a Panda! Look it up!
He leaves and the confused Bartender takes out his phone and looks up Panda, in the encyclopedia, to which he finds:
Panda- A black and white colored Chinese Bear-like animal. Eats, shoots, and leaves.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.
" Hey, you just shot my waiter and didn't even pay for your meal!" screams the manager.
The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."
As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:
Panda- A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.
Eats chutes and leaves.
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
"Arent you going to pay me?" The panda was surprised and asked her why... She told him to look up prostitute and it clearly said (has sex in exchange for money) the panda laughed and told her to look up panda and it said "eats bush and leaves"
He sits down at a table and orders a bowl of soup. After eating his soup, the panda gets up from his table, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter in the head and walks out of the restaurant.
The manager comes running out after the panda and yells, "Hey! Get back here!" The panda turns to the manager and the manager asks, "What in the world was that all about? You come to my restaurant, eat, shoot my waiter in the head and then walk out without paying! Who do you think you are?"
"I'm a panda...look it up..."
The manager returns to his restaurant and gets a dictionary from his office to look up "panda."
Panda: (noun) large mammal, native to China. Characteristic black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves...
Bam-boo
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.
" Hey, you just shot my waiter!" screams the manager.
The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."
As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:
Panda\- A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.
Eats shoots and leaves.
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary.
It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
Bamboozled.
A panda eats chutes and leaves. The cop eats, shoots and leaves.
Banned from the zoo. Trust me, I found out the hard way.
White because his father returned.
bamboolance.
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money,"she says. The panda says "for what?" the woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says "I don't have to pay you I'm a panda look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up the word "Panda" in the dictionary and it reads "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.
The panda orders a sandwich, eats it, shoots the scientist, and walks out of the bar.
The scientist explains while dying: a panda bear eats chutes and leaves
They bamboozle you.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders food, eats it, shoots the waiter, and begins to walk out. The bartender yells to him, "You can do that!" The panda bear replies, "It's in the dictionary."
So they look up panda in the dictionary, and it says, "Panda: eats shoot and leaves."
A panda goes out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. After finishing his meal he stands up, pulls out his gun, shoots the waiter, and begins to leave. Frantically, the manager stops the panda and says, "what did the waiter do? ! Why did you shoot him? You can't just shoot people, I'm calling the police". Confused, the panda replies, "Um, I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up". So the waiter pulls out his smartphone and looks up panda. Sure enough, right there before his eyes he sees 'Panda - indigenous to southern China. Eats shoots and leaves'.
He was bamboo-zled.
A panda!
He's black
He's white
Hes Asian!
Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man
After eating, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and leaves.
Next day, the headlines read *Panda eats shoots and leaves!*
I think it was just panda ring.
But which one was the best?
The Koala's, as it was the most Koala-Tea.
He orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams Why?! The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) โ Eats shoots and leaves.
Because they're always telling them to pick a side.
I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
...orders some food and everything seems fine. After he finishes. He pulls out a gun and starts shooting everything. As he is leaving the bartender jumps up and says, "what was that for?" Panda says, "I am a panda. Look it up." The bartender pulls out a dictionary and reads....
"Panda - eats shoots and leaves."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.
and asks the bartender if he can get a scotch...
.....
...and coke.
The bartender replies "Sure thing, but why the big pause?"
The Panda shrugs, lifts up his hands, and says "Was born with them."
I heard he bamboozled them
The zookeepers were bamboozeled.
He was bamboo-zled!
A panda walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and says, "Can I get a
.
.
.
.
glass of water?"
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
*ba-dum-tshh*
A bamboozle
He eats shoots and leaves.
Eats, shoots, and leaves.
It's now extinct
Because he eats shoots and leaves.
Unfortunately, I don't think we'll last; he just eats shoots and leaves.
He eats, shoots and leaves
bamBOO
A panda
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.