Palm Jokes
112 palm jokes and hilarious palm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about palm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the funniest jokes related to date palms, Google palms, hairy palms, palm trees, Palm Sunday, Palm Springs, and palm reading. Tightly grasp your sides as these jokes have you questioningly asking, "What do you call the fronds of a palm tree?" Get ready for the laughs with these palm jokes!
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Funniest Palm Short Jokes
Short palm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The palm humour may include short wrist jokes also.
- If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.
First time posting, please be gentle. - Valentine's day Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday
- So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman. She said she would like to read my palm... Okay!
She takes my hand and asks... "Do you come here often?" - After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money. He held the note up to the light and frowned. "This is fake," he said.
I said, "Now you know what it feels like." - My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader. Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.
- A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."
- Palm Sunday For Dads ... Fathers Day,
For mothers ... Mothers Day,
For Lovers ... Valentines Day
For Wankers there is Palm Sunday - Woman goes to psychic "When will I find my soulmate"
Psychic: "Never"
"How do you know, you haven't even looked at my palms yet?"
"I looked at your face" - I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand. Must have been an insight joke...
- One day, I was speaking with a martial arts master. I asked, "Is it true that you once defeated one hundred men in only a few seconds using the Way of the Fist?"
He replied, "Nay, Palm."
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Palm One Liners
Which palm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with palm? I can suggest the ones about forearm and coconut.
- EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.
- Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.
- What tree gives the best high-fives? A PALM tree!
- What do you call a tree that you can fit in your hand? A PALM TREE!!!
- If Valentine's Day is for lovers.. then Palm Sunday is for the single.
- Happy palm Sunday To all the single guys out there
- What you call a tree that grows fingers? A palm tree
- What do you call an exploding horse? Neigh-Palm
- Why do black people have white palms? Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.
- What do you call a handful of gravel A palm-o-granite!
- How do you know a palm tree is getting old? It's coconuts hang lower than its trunk.
- What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree? facepalm
- What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
- Gave a sales pitch at a petting zoo today They were eating out the palm of my hand
- What do you call a duck that falls out of a palm tree? A quackanut
Palm Hand Jokes
Here is a list of funny palm hand jokes and even better palm hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I am bored I enjoy rubbing dried herbs into my palms. I have way too much Thyme on my hands.
- I would help you carry some of those bushes... but I've already got two palms on my hands.
- My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrific logging injury, so I asked him do you get half off when you get your palm read?
- I was wondering why I had pentagrams on my palms. Then I remembered: I've been using hand satanizer.
- I bet a lady I met in the bar I could tell where she was born by reading her palm. After looking over her hand and asking silly questions for a minute I told her my answer, a hospital!
- Did some stand up at a bird sanctuary... They were eating out of the palm of my hands.
- Why do palm readers make such good friends? They're always there to hold your hand.
- I went to a palm reading. He said, "I can tell by looking at your hand that you have been in an accident recently."
I said, "That's incredible, but how?"
"Because your other arm is prosthetic." - Courtesy of my 4-year old: What's a hand's favorite tree? A palm tree!
- Going to a psychic for a palm reading >gives psychic hand
>psychic sees wrist
>"These lines are telling me you're depressed"
Palm Tree Jokes
Here is a list of funny palm tree jokes and even better palm tree puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the psychic carry a book to the top of a tree on the beach? To practice palm reading.
- Why is that palm tree reading out your dead grandfather's will? Isn't it obvious? He's the Exeggutor of the estate.
- Southern family trees are like palm trees... No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits
- The Kardashians and Palm Trees are similar They look good in pictures, but what's their purpose?
- A palm tree asked another, "Why do you always look so empty?" He replied, "I just don't have very many fronds."
- I'm dating a palm tree. It's nothing serious though. Just fronds with benefits.
- Why do elephants have flat feet? from jumpin' outta palm trees, duh
- My friend was worried that was not getting dates, so.. I told him to get a palm tree.
- Who was the palm tree's favorite Happy Days character? The Fronds.
- What did the palm tree say to the annoying lumberjack on vacation? could ya-nut?
Palm Reading Jokes
Here is a list of funny palm reading jokes and even better palm reading puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the best part being with a gypsy on her period? When youre done you get your palm read
Palm Sunday Jokes
Here is a list of funny palm sunday jokes and even better palm sunday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Palm Sunday A day that single men thank their palms for all the good work they did this past year...
- Bachelor's Day Just a reminder that Bachelor's Day will be here soon...
...Also known as Palm Sunday.
Date Palm Jokes
Here is a list of funny date palm jokes and even better date palm puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A teenage boy going through puberty and a fruit-bearing Phoenix tree. Both date palms.
Ridiculous Palm Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about palm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make palm pranks.
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What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
Jesus and his disciples at last dinner.
"Waiter!", Jesus called, "Can I get a receipt please?"
After some time, waiter finally comes to Jesus and puts a receipt in his palm.
Jesus is looking at receipt for 10 seconds straight with confusion and shock all over his face.
He turns to disciples and shouts "Didn't I tell y'all to order water instead of wine?!"
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm?
Hold on to your nuts, it will only be a quick blow.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best thing about f**... a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the fortune teller
h**... went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.
Questions about what? asked h**....
About anything, replied the psychic.
But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained h**....
Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?
Jesus goes to a palm reader
And she nailed it!
Saw Gallagher last weekend and this had me in tears.
What fruit fits best in your palm?
a palm-agranate!
Tried to take my girlfriend to get a physical....
...they kept turning me away saying "sir, this is a palm reader"
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His palms are sweaty...
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's v**... on his sweater already.
WebMD: *TYPHOID fever*
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How'd Florida man break his leg raking leaves?
He fell off the palm tree
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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's v**... on his sweater already...
Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?
Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best part about f**......
What's the best part of f**... a psychic while she's on her period?
You still get your palm red
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you finger a Gypsy on the rag?
Your palm red for free.
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Did you know my girlfriend is a fortune teller?
Once a month I put my hand down her knickers and get my palm red!
A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.
'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'
TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.
Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.
What did the palm say to the face?
SLAP
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What do you call a s**... palm reader on the dance floor?
A high medium getting low.
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What did I do wrong?
My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a h**....
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it the palms and bottoms of black peoples feet are much whiter?
Because everyone has a little good in them.
There was once man named tom
There was once a man named Tom
Who dropped an atomic bomb
On the country we call Japan
He said next was Afghanistan
As he came in his palm
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I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple
Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If your palm itches, you're going to get something.
If your c**... itches... you've already got it.
A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.
Guy: How will my future be?
FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.
Guy: So what happens after 42.
FT: You'll stop thinking about it.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my p**... region.
He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.
It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, That will be $240.
I said, Why the price jump? You did the exact same design last time for only $120.
He told me, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A guy in a train lets a loud f**...
He puts his two hands together, crossing his fingers and claps the palm of his hands to imitate the sound of a f**....
Another passenger asks: "How do you do the smell?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...
...the b**... stabbed my hand.
Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.
He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"
A dying kid makes a wish to meet Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne sits at the side of the hospital bed and asks the kid if he was a fan of wrestling.
The kid says yeah, and that he knows his only weakness.
Dwayne looks puzzled, and asks what it is.
"Come closer" says the kid.
Dwayne leans in, and the kid shows him his open palm. Dwayne looks confused, and the next second the kid slaps him full power across the face.
"Paper beats rock."
A Frog Visits A Fortune Teller
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart."
That's great!" says the frog. "But what's the bad news?"
Well, you're going to meet her in Biology class."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts this will be one h**... of a b**...!
(My brother and I heard this in the school yard when we were 9&6 respectively. That night he told it at the dinner table when my grandma was over!)
Sago Palm fronds, dried and ground, make an excellent, all natural laxative. The best part?
With fronds like these, who needs enemas?
I took my son to the fair on the weekend…
…and we we're having a great time. At least we were until I let him go in to see the palm reader. When he came out he was sad and when I asked what happened, he said She told me that in 15 years I would have one of the worst days of my life after a loss.
Being the great dad I am, on the way home we stopped and rescued a puppy that he's been begging me for, for years. Thanks to me, he'll never think about that palm reader again.
