Palm Hand Jokes

52 palm hand jokes and hilarious palm hand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about palm hand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Palm Hand Short Jokes

Short palm hand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The palm hand humour may include short palm jokes also.

  1. So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman. She said she would like to read my palm... Okay!
    She takes my hand and asks... "Do you come here often?"
  2. A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."
  3. When I am bored I enjoy rubbing dried herbs into my palms. I have way too much Thyme on my hands.
  4. I would help you carry some of those bushes... but I've already got two palms on my hands.
  5. My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrific logging injury, so I asked him do you get half off when you get your palm read?
  6. I was wondering why I had pentagrams on my palms. Then I remembered: I've been using hand satanizer.
  7. I bet a lady I met in the bar I could tell where she was born by reading her palm. After looking over her hand and asking silly questions for a minute I told her my answer, a hospital!
  8. Yesterday I glued my palms to the kitchen floor It's hands-down the best decision I've ever made
  9. Did you know my girlfriend is a fortune teller? Once a month I put my hand down her knickers and get my palm red!
  10. I went to a palm reading. He said, "I can tell by looking at your hand that you have been in an accident recently."
    I said, "That's incredible, but how?"
    "Because your other arm is prosthetic."

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Palm Hand One Liners

Which palm hand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with palm hand? I can suggest the ones about palm reading and palm tree.

  1. What do you call a tree that you can fit in your hand? A PALM TREE!!!
  2. What do you call a handful of gravel A palm-o-granite!
  3. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
  4. Gave a sales pitch at a petting zoo today They were eating out the palm of my hand
  5. Did some stand up at a bird sanctuary... They were eating out of the palm of my hands.
  6. Why do palm readers make such good friends? They're always there to hold your hand.
  7. Courtesy of my 4-year old: What's a hand's favorite tree? A palm tree!
  8. What did Justin Bieber find on his palm after clapping his hands? Dead mosquito.
  9. Help me Doctor! My hands hurt! My fingers, palms, wrists... ...& Knuckles
  10. Which star wars character has harry palms? Hand Solo
  11. Why are the palms of Black peoples hands white? Everybody has a bit of good in them.

Palm Hand Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about palm hand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean palm sunday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make palm hand pranks.

Three men are sitting n**... in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings.
The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.

Three men,one German ,one Japanese and a Texan were sitting n**... in a sauna.....

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting n**... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." 
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." 
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax." 

The Indian with a great memory

When I was a kid, everyone all over the country would come to visit the Indian reservation to meet one person. He was the only man in the world to have a perfect memory, but people were only allowed to ask one question. My family decided to go visit him for ourselves, and when we got there I had the perfect question.
"Excuse me sir, what did you have for breakfast when you were 15 years old?"
He replied, "Eggs." and that was that. I was disappointed by his answer, but there was nothing I could do.
Ten years later I recognized the man sitting by himself in a park. I walked up to him, held my hand up with the palm up, and said "How". He said "Scrambled."

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says, "I'll have my outstretched wingspan measured."
His wingspan is 160cm, so he is given $160.
The second man chooses the top of his head and his feet.
His height is 175cm, so he is given $175.
The third man steps up and says, "I'll have the distance from my right palm to my right index finger."
The military people first are confused, but then the man taking the measurements looks at his hand.
"Where's your right index finger, soldier?"
The veteran smiles and says, "Back where I lost it, in Vietnam."

Using the word 'definitely'

A 3rd grade English teacher stood in front of her class and asked for volunteers to use the word 'definitely' to describe something.

The first student, Johnny, raised his hand and said "Teacher, the sky is definitely blue!"
The teacher responds "Well Johnny, sometimes the sky can be grey and sometimes it can be black." Defeated, Johnny put his hand down.
The next student, Susie, looking to make Johnny look bad proudly said "The grass is definitely green."
Teacher responded "Not so true Susie. When the grass dies, it can be brown, or yellow." Susie was embarrassed.
The teacher looked around the room and saw a puzzled look on her student's faces. Just as she was about the help her students out, little Billy threw his hand up.
"Yes Billy?"
"Teacher, are farts lumpy?" Little Billy asked.
"No Billy, farts are not lumpy."

"....Then I definitely just pooped my pants."
EDIT - Names...D'oh. Face meet palm

Houdini and Criss Angel

Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!"
Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."
Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!"
Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.
"So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!"
Houdini responds, "Go check Criss Angel's pocket."

3 Nuns

Three nuns were on vacation and travelling in a bus. Sister Veronica was chatting with Sister Frances who was sitting next to her. Across the aisle was Sister Trudy. Sister Trudy was very hard of hearing and was leaning across the aisle and trying to hear what the other two sisters were talking about.
Sister Veronica said, "When I was in Hawaii last year, they had the hugest bananas I ever saw. They were humungous! This long!" she said as she held her hands a foot apart, "and this wide!" she said as she held her hands in a circle. "I had trouble eating one!" she said as she motioned biting down on a banana.
Sister Trudy was leaning further in the aisle, trying to tune in to the conversation of the other two nuns.
Sister Frances then said, "When I was in Florida last year, they had the hugest oranges I have ever seen." She held her palms upturned as if to hold two large oranges. "They were this big!"
Sister Trudy could no longer stand it and shouted out, "Father who????!!!"

Made a c**... greentext based on a conversation

>be me
>tall and white
>life is good
>suddenly, while chillaxin, get grabbed by random n**... girl
> Squeezes me with her hands
>white stuff goes in her palms
>she spreads it all over her head
>she shouts 'My eyes! It burns!'
>she grabs towel and wipes out eyes
>mfw I'm shampoo

It's an overcast afternoon, so Jimmy sticks his hand out the window to see if it's raining...

As he does he's surprised when a glass eye lands in his open palm. Curious, he looks up and sees an attractive woman looking down from the balcony above.
"Um, is this yours?" he asks, holding up the optic.
"Yes, thank you!" she replies. "I'm Linda, can you bring it up for me?"
When Jim arrives, Linda asks if he'd like to stay for dinner. During the evening one thing leads to another and they end up having a passionate night together.
"That was wonderful" says Jim, "tell me, do you do this often?"
"No" Linda replies, "only if someone catches my eye..."

Do It Again!!!

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

What did I do wrong?

My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a h**....

A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients

He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, open this door and you are free to leave through it. The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watching the other patients with an amused grin on his face. The psychiatrist approached the lone patient thinking she might be cured and asked her why she didn't try to open the fake door like other patients.
The patient opened her hand to show scribble of a key on her palm and said, "I dont want anyone to come with me„

...not racist, bott!

* **Q:** why do black robots have white hand palms?
* **A:** Because they're on the ground when being sprayed!

Going to a psychic for a palm reading

>gives psychic hand
>psychic sees wrist
>"These lines are telling me you're depressed"

The blond reared back and clenched his fist

With all his might, he punched the tree, and the force of the impact broke his hand. "Ouch! I thought you said this tree was bouncy!"
His friend face palmed. "No, I said it was a rubber tree."

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my p**... region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.
It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, That will be $240.
I said, Why the price jump? You did the exact same design last time for only $120.
He told me, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

A guy gave me a badass eagle tattoo in my c**... region for $50.

It looked so sick that I asked him to give me a matching tattoo in the palm of my hand so I could show it to everyone, but he said this one would cost $100. He said, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

A guy in a train lets a loud f**...

He puts his two hands together, crossing his fingers and claps the palm of his hands to imitate the sound of a f**....
Another passenger asks: "How do you do the smell?"

I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the b**... stabbed my hand.