Pair Jokes
161 pair jokes and hilarious pair puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pair that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A collection of jokes and puns to make you laugh! Learn a few fun punchlines to keep your conversations light-hearted, from classic pair jokes about au pairs, pair programming, and pantalones to creative ones about eyeglasses and being worn out.
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Funniest Pair Short Jokes
Short pair jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pair humour may include short partner jokes also.
- I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
- A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around? Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
- "Why do dads take an extra pair of sock when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
- Why are there always two medics in an ambulance They're not called pair a medics for no reason
- I never though that orthopedic shoes would be good for me..... but, after trying a pair, I stand corrected.
- Sammy just bought a new pair of pants. He's explaining to Dean that these pants were specially fitted for dancing.
"Ballroom?" Dean asks.
"Not much," Sammy replies. - My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle". When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"
- Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven? He heard it was a pair of dice.
Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent. - YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE! An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.
- I got a new pair of gloves today but they're both 'lefts' Which, on the one hand, is great
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Pair One Liners
Which pair one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pair? I can suggest the ones about pare and parallel.
- How do you split Rome in half? You use a pair of caesars.
- You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing. Just in case you get a hole in one.
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.
- Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.
- What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?
- What has 100 legs but can't walk? 50 pairs of pants.
- Got a $100 Nike gift card Can't wait to buy that one pair of socks
- Ornithologists in peru have discovered that owls hunt there in pairs They're Inca hoots.
- I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren't cutting it.
- I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I? A liar.
- What do you call two filipino pilots? A pair of pliers
- What do you call 2 banana peels? A pair of slippers
- What kind of pants does agent Mulder wear? Just a pair 'a normal pants.
- Finally decided to throw away my favourite pair of socks but then i got cold feet
- What's better than a paradox? A pair of nurses
Pair Shoes Jokes
Here is a list of funny pair shoes jokes and even better pair shoes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just got my new pair of orthopenic shoes. "Actually, it's *orthopedic*", my doctor said.
"I stand corrected", I replied. - Why do they sell shoes in pairs? Because they're sole-mates.
(I made this joke up about a week ago and figured I'd tell it on non-peak hours so I don't get upvoted enough to quit my day job)... - I collect coins and old paper money. For our anniversary, my wife surprised me with a $1,000 bill! Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.
- How many magazines do you need to buy to get a pair of tennis shoes? Ten issues.
- Guy goes to his shrink and says, "I think I'm a French pair of shoes!" The shrink replies, "What makes you chaussures?"
- Franks wife was going away... She told him to put on a clean pair of socks everyday,
After 7 days he couldn't fit his shoes on. - My wife just came home with 12 new dresses. "What could anyone want with 12 new dresses?!?" I asked her.
She replied
"12 new pairs of shoes, of course." - I bought a pair of shoes from a ginger. I have no idea why he sold them to me, they have no soles.
- Nike and TOMS are embarking on a joint venture... ...for every pair of shoes you buy, they'll donate a pair to the child who made them.
- Ruined a brand new pair of shoes. It's raining cats and dogs out and I stepped in a poodle.
Pair Twins Jokes
Here is a list of funny pair twins jokes and even better pair twins puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just dumped a pair of conjoined twins. I said, "It's not you, it's you."
- I recently broke it off with a pair of conjoined twins. I said, "It's not you, it's you."
- There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson. They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.
They study the rain. You know,
Dr.I.P.
Dr.O.P. - What do you call Polish twins? A pair of skis
- What do you call two twin emt officers? A pair of medics
- Why should you never buy a twin a basket of fruit? Because they come in pairs.
- Why are twins banned from grocery store produce sections? Because they always come in pairs.
- What do you call a pair of identical twins who are stewardesses? Hostess Twinkies
Pair Jeans Jokes
Here is a list of funny pair jeans jokes and even better pair jeans puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn't seem as excited.
- What's got 24 legs and flys? 12 pairs of jeans
- I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants... because of the ballroom.
- Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.
- I got a pair of jeans for a buck Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.
- How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off? It pants.
- The Problem With New Jeans I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
Was anything wrong with them? the clerk asked.
Yes, I said. They hurt my feelings. - I just came home with 25 pairs of carpenter jeans. . . My wife thinks I'm building a new wardrobe.
BTW original, thought I'd share. - Why does a golfer always bring an extra pair of jeans? Because he might get a hole in one.
- What's the difference between the beginning of the small intestine and a pair of jeans? One is a duodenum, and the other is a denim duo.
Pair Scissors Jokes
Here is a list of funny pair scissors jokes and even better pair scissors puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was walking around a shady street late at night, and someone pulled a pair of scissors out at me. Fortunately, I pulled a rock. Had I pulled out paper, I would've have lost.
- Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market? It's said to be cutting edge technology
- Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone. Call them "rock paper scissors."
- Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope? The knife just wasn't cutting it.
- I saw a pair of scissors with rounded blades the other day, and you know what I thought? What's the point.
- Who do you get when you cross a large pair of scissors and a Disney villain? Shear Khan.
- What do you call a repeat line cutter? A pair of scissors.
- How do you get a pair of scissors out of the package? You can't, you need scissors to get scissors.
Au Pair Jokes
Here is a list of funny au pair jokes and even better au pair puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a depressed pair of croissants? Pain au pain.
- The other day I found two gold bars. I've always dreamed of an Au pair.
- What is a nanny's favorite fruit? Au Pair.
- Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs.... ...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!
- What do French nanny schools do? They grow au pair
Delightful Fun Pair Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about pair you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean combo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pair pranks.
A woman goes into a store...
and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that.
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... Wife's New p**...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
Why did the belt get arrested?
Because it held up a pair of pants.
I'll show myself out.
An old snake
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
What's the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of pants?
a pair of pants only has one fly.
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar...
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. Immediately, the bartender walks up and says: "Hey! You guys can hang out here...just don't try and start anything."
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office.
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a pair of see through cellophane underwear.
Doc takes one look at the guy and exclaims. "well I can clearly see your nuts!"
Two Men in a Country Club...
Two men in a country club are in the locker room getting undressed. Bob, asks Mike, "How long have you been wearing women's underwear?". Mike answers, "Since my wive found a pair in my car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After doing 50 years each in the penitentiary, Jim and Joe were finally free.
The first thing they did was head straight to a brothel. The madam noticing that both men were really old and half blind decided she would just pair them each with a blow up doll and hope they wouldn't notice.
After it all went down, the first man tells the other... "I got a bad one Joe, she basically just laid there", to which he replied "better than me, I just poked her and she f**... and flew out the window".
What do you call a pair of snakeskin trousers?
Serpants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are men great cooks....
because with 1 sausage, a pair of nuts and some milk it can fill up a woman for nine months.
A pair of twins have a deal...
They constantly get in trouble with the law for various reasons and are frequently thrown in jail. They don't like staying in jail for too long, so they made a deal: if only one of the twins is arrested and imprisoned, the other twin will sneak in and swap places with them when they have spent half the time served in prison.
It's great to see these twins are so close that they're always finish each other's sentences.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
only joke i ever made up.. What did the papa pear tree say to his effeminate male son?
GROW A PAIR!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some nice pair of legs
A group of girls walked by and I jokingly said to my girl "bet you wish you had a pair of legs like that" and she started crying. Smh girls are so emotional so I wheeled her back to the car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bedroom animals
A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then the young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without s**...."
Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve
They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a c**..., so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: 'They're Carol's.'
What's long, straight, and found between a pair of legs?
The hypotenuse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Finding Money
Reaching into a pair of pants and finding a w**... of money is a great feeling . . . . until the person wearing the pants starts screaming.
While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."
Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nuns
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a c**....
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
I want to adopt two kids...
... with cancer, both named Jordan.
I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.
An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.
He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Comparison of the Different Languages
**French**: This chair is feminine. "La Chaise"
**Italian**: This chair is feminine! "La Sedia"
**German**: This chair is masculine. "Der Stuhl"
**English**: This chair is an object, I don't see how it has a gender.
**Japanese**: If you don't pronounce chair exactly right, you'll end up calling your mother a pair of rotten t**... instead.
I was spooning my girlfriend the other night...
guess that makes us a pair of cuddelery.
What is a chromosome's favorite article of clothing?
a pair of genes.
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.
"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.
"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".
A guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the clerk, "I would like a pair of new windshield wipers for my Yugo."
The clerk responds, "Sounds like a fair trade."
My girlfriend told me I was too childish.
The other day, I bought her a pair of walkie talkies.
She squinted her eyes at me and said, "Our relationship is over."
I squinted my eyes right back and told her, "Our relationship is what? Over."
Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?
Beats me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...
All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.
They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just before we start, some c**t put a swimming cap on me"
*Edit, spelling mistake
I saw a girl busking today.
She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.
A cat and a mouse go to heaven
A cat and a mouse got to heaven, after a bit God goes to the mouse and asks "how do you like it up here?" The mouse replies "it's fine but I have a hard time getting around", God then snaps his fingers and gives the mouse a pair a wheels to roll around on. A little later God then goes to the cat and asks "how do you like it up here?" The cat replies "Oh I love it! I never had meals on wheels like this before!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this s**... blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...
"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"
"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?
a wrecked angle
(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)
A man walks into a psychiatrists with a pair of clingfilm underwear.
Psychiatrist: I can clearly see you're nuts.
I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.
I figured if you can't beat them, join them.
Saw a screenplay about the life of a pair of eyeglasses
It was a myopic biopic
I was listening to a conversation on a pair of broken headphones
The conversation was pretty one-sided though...
Animals getting frisky
A father and son are standing on a hill looking out over a plain. Seeing a pair of animals getting intimate, the son turns to his father and says "Dad, why is that buffalo getting on top of another boy buffalo? Is it gay?"
The father turns to the son to admonish him.
"You shouldn't be judgemental of another person or animal for the sexuality!"
While he says this, the same buffalo mounts a female.
"Anyway, it's bison."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5 penny joke
Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."
Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"
Place the third penny...."Can you see any cars? Three Lincolns."
Place the fourth down..."Can you see any snakes? Four copperheads.
Place the fifth down..."Can you see any p**...?"
Scoop them all up..."Not for five cents you can't."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was circumcised they accidentally took a little extra off.
They ended up using it as skin grafts for a pair of twin's eyelids.
Now I'm getting sued by the parents because they're a little c**...-eyed.
So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks
So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, They're deer tracks , No They're Bear Tracks
Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...
Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.
That didn't sound right, so he tried again.
Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.
That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.
(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)
An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly
"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"
Trump said
, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"
Duckiiiiiies
Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"
He said I am "A major a**... set to the company"
A couple had been married for 35 years,
the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.
Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your b**...!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Heck is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied... "It's not talcum powder... it's Miracle Grow."
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...
but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
Oh, no! the blonde shouted in dismay.
This one isn't wearing any shoes either!
I was on a trip to Dubai, and in my stay, I met a rich man
Over time, we actually became friends, and he told me about this shoes company he owns.
He said:
Each pair of shoes we manufacture costs us about 2$, and we manage to sell them for 250$
What?! this is insane, why is it so expensive, ? I asked
Well I actually tried to make them cheaper for 25$ each
Then what happend?
People stopped buying them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One pair of Hans should suffice
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of b**....
There was no sign of a struggle.
What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall?
Walnuts!
I'll see myself out
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday.
The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.
I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.
