painter Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious painter puns

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."


You know that famous painter Rorschach?

Why does he only draw dicks?


Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn't have an ear for music.


A Painter and a Gallery Owner

Painter: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?

Gallery Owner: He was your doctor


My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.


John is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom; it was so convincing, his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up.

She calls John's father on phone to complain about the kid and explains what had happened.

The father, apologizing from his hospital bed replied, 'You are lucky! At home, that idiot drew a VAGINA on the POWER SOCKET. He is the reason am in the hospital.'


A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic...

He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.

The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painter, and Rembrandt was crap at making violins."


So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks.

End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?"

"Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.


The painters

I just got my house painted, and they gave me a bill that said $0.
I asked them, "Why aren't you charging me for the paint?"
They said, "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."



Robert's son is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom. 

His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up. 

She called his father on the phone to complain about the kid and explain what happened.

The father from his hospital bed responds..."You got lucky Madam. At home that idiot drew a vagina on the power outlet.


What does a painter do when he gets cold?

Puts on another coat.


The Dead Painter

A detective was called to investigate the death of a house painter. The case seemed pretty open-and-shut... it appeared the painter had broken his neck after falling from his ladder. But, just to be thorough, the detective asked around to see if there were any witnesses to the tragedy.

A young boy replied that he had, indeed, witnessed the death. The detective asked him, "Did you see how he died?"

"Yes sir," the boy replied. "He died because he took the Lord's name in vain."

The detective was confused. "How did he die from that? What did he say?"



I always wanted to be an abstract painter.

I won't go into detail.


I tried to be a self-portrait painter.

But in the end it just wasn't me.


A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.

-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again

With anger in his eyes the painter said:

-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"

I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.


A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."


My wife was cheating on me with the painter.

I caught him red-handed.


Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"


The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.

The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her that the brewery will support her financially.

Of course, the widow is still devastated by her loss, and under tears she asks the director: "Please tell me, did my husband suffer?", to which the director replies "I don't think so, because he climbed out of the tank twice to take a piss!".


I started studying art history.

I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.


The Ladder

A police officer arrives at the scene of a horrific accident. A painter had died falling off his ladder. It seemed like an open-and-shut accidental death, but the responding officer decided to look for witnesses to make sure.

There was a twelve-year-old boy standing nearby, so the officer called him over. "Son, did you see how that gentleman died?"

"I sure did, Officer. He was punished by God!"

The officer looked perplexed. "Why was he punished by God?"

"For taking the Lord's name in vain."

"I'm confused, son. What did he say?"



Painting a Church: My favourite joke

Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.

One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.

Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as he stands on his scaffolding to finish off the steeple, he smiles to himself: the paint job looks pretty good, he's scammed the church out of a few hundred bucks, and he'll be done before dinner.

Suddenly, thunder ensues, a huge bolt of lightning knocks Bill right off his scaffolding, and the skies open up - and all of Bill's newly-applied paint washes right off the church.

Bill, a religious man despite his thievery, knows it's a sign from God. He falls to his knees in a puddle of rainwater and paint, and cries, "Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"

And amongst the thunder, a booming voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"


I'm writing a book about getting work as a painter.

It's a primer for paint jobs.


How do painters stay warm?

They add another coat.


Shakespeare Joke

Painter: "Y'are a dog."

Apemantus: "Your mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"


An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter


Why was Hitler such a bad painter

He could only paint reichtangles


Gynecologist and wall painting job

Gynecologist had no job and was broke af, after a while and many failed job interviews he gave up on his dreams and found a job as a wall painter.
On the first day, he went to work with two more coworkers to paint some walls in a vacation home at the lake.
After a day of work the team returned and the boss asked the other two coworkers "How was the new guy?"
Coworkers said "Boss, this one is a keeper! I had to promise him a raise, I hope you're not angry".
The boss asked "Why, what happened?"
Coworker answered "Well, the home owners forgot to unlock one room upstairs and we couldn't find the key so he painted the whole room through the keyhole."


A rich snail goes into a car shop...

He picks out a super fast car and says, "I want a big S painted on the left side, the right side, the front, the back. I want big Ss everywhere! The car painter asks why, and the snail says, "Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say, 'Wow! Look at that escargot!'"


An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."


The Paint Job

A man finds job as a road painter and the first week he paints 15km (9.3 miles) of the road his boss congratulates him for being the best employee. The next week he suddenly changes to 10 km (6.2 miles) his boss doesn't say anything but is a bit worried. The third week he only paints 5km (3.1) so his boss says "alright i've had enough of your incompetence either you explain why you're painting less every week or you can go find another job." The painter then replies "I don't know b0ss but the can of paint is always further away each time I paint the road and I have to walk back to the can".


What do you call a surrealist painter that converts to Islam?

Muhammad Dali


My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius

Sadly, they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.


I took my pet snail to get his car painted..

We drive over to the painters garage and he asks:

hey, what color would you like you car ?

Snail says back to him:

I would a black car with a green S on top

Painter exclaims:

Oh that's cool, S for snail

Snail lashes back:

No, not S for snail, that way when people see me drive by they say hey look at that escargot !


What do you call a 15th century Renaissance painter who is also a crab?

Leonardo da Pinci


What are the most funny Painter jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Painter? Well, here are the best Painter dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Painter pick up lines to share with friends.

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