Paint Jokes
172 paint jokes and hilarious paint puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paint that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your next painting project a little more lighthearted with these hilarious paint jokes! From jokes about Dulux paint to spilt paint, mural painting and more, you'll have a great time while you get the job done. Whether you're painting a wall with emulsional, varnish or spraying tartan paint, these white paint jokes will have you laughing all the way to the finish line.
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Funniest Paint Short Jokes
Short paint jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paint humour may include short brush jokes also.
- I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall - I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt. - Who is this Rorschach guy??? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
-Rob DenBleyker - Someone called me racist for saying "black paint" Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".
- Jay Leno walked past a painting of Simon Cowell surrounded by his dogs during AGT. And said: Cowell looked at the dogs like they were on the menu at a korean restaurant.
- My daughter painted her toenails black for winter formal tonight... I told her "I hope you don't run into anyone who's black-toes intolerant."
- Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks. It was easier Z than done.
- Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'? Now you have to say "Jerome can you please paint the fence".
- Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and valentines day are too close... I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
- Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist... You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."
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Paint One Liners
Which paint one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paint? I can suggest the ones about draw and pink.
- What should ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
- What's blue and smells like red paint?
blue paint. - I painted my computer black last night Now it runs much faster
- I was on acid and I actually tasted colors. Tasted a lot like paint.
- When is paint free? When it's on the house.
- Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building... They blue it up.
- So I painted my laptop black. I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.
- What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other? A colour scheme.
- Why did the dumpling take up painting? It wanted to “dum-paint” the town red!
- What do you call a crab that like to paint? Leonardo Da Pinci
- Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle... Because it touches me so much
- What's red and tastes like blue paint? Red paint
- Why did the painting go to jail? Because it was framed!
- Why are there no fat painters? Because they all went to the paint store to get thinner
- What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint? A crosswalk.
Paint Job Jokes
Here is a list of funny paint job jokes and even better paint job puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm writing a book about getting work as a painter. It's a primer for paint jobs.
- What do you call a helicopter with a bad paint job? A patchy gunship
- Doc Brown goes for a new paint-job on his car, and decides to go that extra step and theme the vehicle after Star Wars Whenever people see it they say, "Man, DeLorean!"
- Why did the paint job in the Autobots home base look so nice? Because Optimus Primed!
- I got hit by a truck with a camouflage paint job. It came out of nowhere.
- What did the Art Major say to the Other Majors? I'll paint your reactions when your Jobs are Automated if you buy me dinner!
- I went for a job interview in a Art Gallery today, but the interviewers seemed to hate everything about me. I didn't really paint a good picture of myself.
- Did you hear about the guy who painted Easter eggs? He did a good job. Not egg-cellent but good.
- I has a really old computer To make it run faster, I decided to give it a nice black paint job. Now it doesn't work.
- What's the difference between someone who makes wooden furniture and someone who does paint jobs? One is a carpenter and one is a car painter
Paint Brush Jokes
Here is a list of funny paint brush jokes and even better paint brush puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I once insulted an artist about his bad painting He just brushed it off.
- What kind of brush should you use for a painting when you are out of ideas? A makeup brush
- Have you heard of the artist that creates beautiful artwork by dipping his girlfriend in paint and dragging her across a canvas? He always paints with a broad brush.
- How do you spot a misogynist artist? He paints women with a broad brush.
- How does Bob Ross exorcise his paint brush? He beats the devil out of it.
- What does a paint brush eat for dinner? Bristoles!
- How many polocks does it take to paint a house? 1 to hold the brush and 1000 to turn the house!
- If you stab someone with a paint-brush, do you become a martial artist? Not sure if it's original but I thought it up 3 years ago work and I randomly remembered it.
- A dad is painting his house with his son Son: "Dad, shouldn't you use a paint brush instead?"
White Paint Jokes
Here is a list of funny white paint jokes and even better white paint puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue.... ...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.
- I asked my handyman why did he paint my staircase white He was indeed puzzled. The only thing I got from him is a blank stair
- What do Paint Samples and Michael Jackson have in common? They both come in little white cans...
- What would America do if Russia painted the moon red? Paint Coca Cola over it in white.
- What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house? All white, all white, all white...
- What did the black paint say to the white paint as it smeared across the canvas? Oh my you're looking gradient today.
- A model asked a painter girl "Why do you always paint me in black and white"
"There is no u in color" She said - The Wong Brothers Painting Company was hired to paint Rick's house white while he was on vacation. He came back to a blue home. Two Wongs don't make it white.
- The difference between my mom and clown..... Is that the clown face painted white before they meet men
- What's white and smells like black paint? The freshly painted fence.
What's black and smells like white paint?
The 6 year old who painted it
Spray Paint Jokes
Here is a list of funny spray paint jokes and even better spray paint puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? Because the spray paint can wasn't invented until 1949.
- Two wrongs don't make a right... ...For example, your parents.
(Saw this spray painted on the back of a van. No idea if it's from something) - My mom asked me to paint her room for her. Apparently duct taping spray paint cans to a roomba Is not helping and why we don't love you anymore
Dulux Paint Jokes
Here is a list of funny dulux paint jokes and even better dulux paint puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The owner of dulux paints died today, he froze to death atop a mountain Police report states he could of done with another coat.
Amusing Paint Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about paint you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pong jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paint pranks.
Two blondes were doing a crossword.
One asks, "How do you spell paint"? The other one replies,
"What colour"??
A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.
The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."
The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."
Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long
A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Blonde Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walking down the street
A man walking down the street when he is approached by a p**....
"For $200 I'll perform any act for you, provided that you can describe the act in three words"
The man thinks about the offer for less than a minute and gives the woman for $200.
"OK tell me what you want me to do, but remember only in three words."
The man replies "Paint my house."
Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects
for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"
My girlfriend told me this one
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
So the painters finish painting my home...
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two out-of-work Mexicans knock on a rich guy's door - looking for odd jobs
The rich guy feels for them, so he says, "I'll give you 100 bucks to go out back and paint my porch."
The Mexicans can't believe their luck - and agree. The rich guy gives them a few gallons of paint and some brushes.
About an hour later, they knock on the door. The guy answers, and the Mexicans tell him they are done. He says, "I can't believe you're done so fast. That should have taken at least 5 hours."
One of the Mexicans says, "We are done, Senor. But I have to tell you - that wasn't no porch. That was a Mercedes."
Football joke
How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?
Paint an endzone on it.
What do a haunted gypsum mine and paint thinner have in common?
Mineral Spirits
What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?
The mistress says "Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!"
The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate how politically correct the world is becoming...
No longer am I allowed to say "black paint." Now I have to say "Tyrone can you please paint."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone's so politically correct these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore. You have to say "Tyrone, would you kindly paint my fence?"
What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say
Girlfriend: Are you done already?
Mistress: Are you done yet?
Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...
I bought some blonde paint.
It isn't very bright but it spreads easily.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everything's racist these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore.
You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".
So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter
The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.
End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.
Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks.
End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?"
"Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the elephant paint the bottom of its feet yellow?
So it could hide in a bowl of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? No?
That means it's working, the crafty b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was h**... such a bad painter
He could only paint reichtangles
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."
Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black paint
Political correctness has gone to far these days. You cant even say black paint any more, you have to say "Tyrone, please will you paint my house?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the remorseful child-m**... paint his toe-nails?
He thought it would be a pedicure.
^^^sorry.
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
The world is so politically correct these days.
You used to be able to say "black paint." Now it has to be "Jamal can you please paint my wall?"
A guy is sitting alone at the bar
when a hot girl comes up to him. She leans to his ear and whispers in a seductive tone:
"For $100 I'll do anything, as long as you can describe it in no more than three words!"
She leans back, and the man thinks about the offer for a second and answers:
"Paint my house"
Another blonde joke.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.
Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
A blonde, wanting to earn some money...
decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
Puts on another coat.
$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today
Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.
I painted my iPhone black so it would run faster.
Now I need to jailbreak it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
PC is getting way out of hand. You can't even say black paint anymore.
Instead it's gotta be "Jamal, please paint."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Society is so sensitive these days. I can't even say "black paint" anymore without being called racist....
I now have to say "Tyrone, could you paint the wall please."
The age old question...
The age old question, if I paint my car black will it stop working or will it run faster?
2016 is going off the rails with all the people getting offended. There are even some people who've decided it's racist to say "black paint".
Instead you're supposed to say something like "Shawn, would you please paint that fence?"
The world is becoming too politically correct
You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".
Political correctness has reached the level of absurdity
For example, we can't say brown paint. Instead we should say "please paint that wall, Jose"
There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea.
One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.
They collide...
All the survivors were marooned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ...
You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, "Jamal kindly paint my house?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Political Correctness is out of hand
You can't even say "black paint" anymore,
You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my fence."
It's now apparently politically incorrect to say "Black paint"
Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?".
How many terrorists does it take to paint a house?
It depends on the force of the explosives.
Want to make your computer run faster?
Just paint it black, it may quit working, though.
Apparently saying "Black paint" is racist...
Now I have to say "Please paint the wall DeMarcus".
Artists cover their mistakes with paint, chefs cover their mistakes with sauce. How do doctors cover their mistakes?
With dirt.
I hate all the political correctness these days, I can't even say "black paint" anymore.
Now I have to say "Tyrone please paint the fence."
What do Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common?
They both used their brains to paint a ceiling
How do you keep paint warm?
Put on a second coat
Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?
It's not very bright but it spreads easily.
Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..
Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'
Political correctness has gotten so restrictive these days. Now I can't even say, "Black paint."
I have to say, "Please paint that wall, Tyrone."
I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.
He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People are so political these days...
...that you can't even say black paint. Instead, you have to say, "Daniel, please paint my fence".
How many kids does it take to paint a wall?
depends on how hard you throw them
The lawyer is painting his house, and a hobo comes around and asked if he could do something or in a few dollars.
The lawyer says, "sure, take a can of paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch."
The hobo does this and 15 minutes later comes back and says he's finished. The lawyer says, "already?" And the hobo says," yeah, but it isn't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A p**... walks up to a man
And says hi there... If you can describe what you want me to do for you in three words, I will do anything you want for 100 dollars.
The man, without any hesitation replies: paint my house
Don't know if it's a repost but just got reminded of it and thought I'd share :)
How many puppies and babies does it take to paint a room?
All depends on the speed and angle of the throw.
A poor man goes to a rich person's house and says that he will do anything for $100
The man tells him: If you repaint my porch, I will give you $100
3 hours later, the poor man says that he is finished.
Seeing no paint on his porch, the rich man says: I'm not paying you, you didn't do anything
The poor man replied: Yeah I did, but it's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes
A Russian and a Jew were on the battlefield.
The jew, hurt badly, was in agony:
-Ivan, I'm in a lot of paint. Shoot me and end my suffering.
-I can't, Avraham, I'm out of bullets.
-I'll sell you a few, Ivan.
What do lesbian couples do when they're on their period?
Finger paint
