Paint Jokes

What are some Paint jokes?

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

Who is this Rorschach guy???

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

-Rob DenBleyker

Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".

Apparently saying "Black Paint" is not politically correct,

The right way to say it is "Tyrone, please paint the wall"

People today are so politically correct. You can't even say black paint,

You have to say "Leeroy, please paint my fence."

I hate how politically correct the world is today

Instead of saying "Black paint" I now have to say "Jamal please paint"

What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?

When you're having sex a hooker says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?

Now you have to say "Jerome can you please paint the fence".

So I was standing behind this girl

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "what?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...

You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."

Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".

With all the politically correct agenda these days, you can't even say Black Paint!

You have to say, Leroy, please paint my fence!

People are so sensitive now-a-days.

People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can't even say black paint. Instead you gotta say, Jamal, will you please paint the fence?

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint.

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

Everything's racist these days.

You can't even say "black paint" anymore.

You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".

The world is so politically correct these days.

You used to be able to say "black paint." Now it has to be "Jamal can you please paint my wall?"

I hate all the political correctness these days, I can't even say "black paint" anymore.

Now I have to say "Tyrone please paint the fence."

Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?

It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

I painted my PC black to make it run faster

Now it doesn't work

The world is becoming too politically correct

You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".

A Painter and a Gallery Owner

Painter: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?

Gallery Owner: He was your doctor

Political Correctness has gone mad...

You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."

When is paint free?

When it's on the house.

I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore

Now I have to say "Leroy can you please paint the fence?"

A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.

The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."

The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."

What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife?

A prostitute says "Faster, faster!"
A girlfriend says "More, more!"
A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"

Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..

Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."

The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 &100 dollar notes and says "Paint... My... House."

Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building...

They blue it up.

Black paint

Political correctness has gone to far these days. You cant even say black paint any more, you have to say "Tyrone, please will you paint my house?"

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute...

... "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in three words." The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words," she tells him. The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

So I painted my laptop black.

I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks.

End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?"

"Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.

People are so political these days...

...that you can't even say black paint. Instead, you have to say, "Daniel, please paint my fence".

In the words of Bill Murray...

An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.

One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."

Political correctness has reached the level of absurdity

For example, we can't say brown paint. Instead we should say "please paint that wall, Jose"

What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife?

A hooker says "that's all", a girlfriend says "is that all?" and a wife says "blue. I think I'll paint the ceiling blue."

Another blonde joke.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long

A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Two out-of-work Mexicans knock on a rich guy's door - looking for odd jobs

The rich guy feels for them, so he says, "I'll give you 100 bucks to go out back and paint my porch."

The Mexicans can't believe their luck - and agree. The rich guy gives them a few gallons of paint and some brushes.

About an hour later, they knock on the door. The guy answers, and the Mexicans tell him they are done. He says, "I can't believe you're done so fast. That should have taken at least 5 hours."

One of the Mexicans says, "We are done, Senor. But I have to tell you - that wasn't no porch. That was a Mercedes."

What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other?

A colour scheme.

Apparently saying "Black paint" is racist...

Now I have to say "Please paint the wall DeMarcus".

Why should you paint a canoe black? NSFW

So that it never tips

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Everyone's so politically correct these days.

You can't even say "black paint" anymore. You have to say "Tyrone, would you kindly paint my fence?"

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute.

"For $200 I'll perform any act you want, provided you can describe it in 3 words."

The man thinks about the offer for a moment then hands over the money and replies,

"Paint my house."

The painters

I just got my house painted, and they gave me a bill that said $0.
I asked them, "Why aren't you charging me for the paint?"
They said, "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money...

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

My girlfriend told me this one

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Recreational tampons...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today

Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.

The Portrait Artist

A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.

She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude."

This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man, "Uh, I apologize ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-"

"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars," she interrupts him.

Again he is taken aback and considers, "Well... Let me ask my wife first, and if she consents then we have a deal."

They agree and he goes home. The next day, the artist returns. He gives the lady the verdict, "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes."

Breaking News - in Hong Kong, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint

CNN reports that both crews are marooned

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Elephant jokes.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Thats because it had its toenails painted.

Why should you never walk through the forrest between the hours of 5pm and 7pm? That's when elephants tend to jump out of cherry trees.

Why are midgets so short? They tend to walk through the forrest between the hours of 5pm and 7pm

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forrest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.

When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, Can you spare me something to eat? I haven't eaten in several days and I'm not picky.

The farmer says, I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?

"Oh, yes sir," the man says. An hour later the newly minted painter returns. The farmer is impressed. That was fast! Come on in and sit down, and I'll bring you a nice bowl of soup and some fresh bread.

The painter says, Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it the opportunity to earn this food. But there's something I need to say. Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you something important; you need to hear this. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.

There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea.

One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.

They collide...

All the survivors were marooned.

What does a painter do when he gets cold?

Puts on another coat.

PC is getting way out of hand. You can't even say black paint anymore.

Instead it's gotta be "Jamal, please paint."

Why did the elephant paint the bottom of its feet yellow?

So it could hide in a bowl of custard.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? No?

That means it's working, the crafty bastards.

A guy is sitting alone at the bar

when a hot girl comes up to him. She leans to his ear and whispers in a seductive tone:

"For $100 I'll do anything, as long as you can describe it in no more than three words!"

She leans back, and the man thinks about the offer for a second and answers:

"Paint my house"

3 nuns and a blind man.

The nuns just finished building the addition to their monastary, but it still had to be painted. The head nun gave 3 of the nuns the task. She says: "Sisters, make sure you don't get any paint on your robes!" The three nuns decided, since there was no one around, to just strip naked. They ae painting for a while, when they hear a knock at he door. "Who is it?" one of them asks. The man outside replies: "Blind man!" The sisters agree there would be no harm in letting him in, since he is blind. They open the door, and he exclaims: "Woah, Sister! Where do you want these blinds?"

So there was an abandoned church...

and few nuns get sent over to clean it up a bit and restore its former glory. As they were painting the ceiling, one of them says, "Sisters, it is VERY hot in here, and we're working so feverishly, and i really don't want to get any paint on our robes. What say you, we just strip down, and finish this paint job in our birthday suits. This church has been abandoned for years, and even if somebody comes, we can always throw our robes back on in a second." The other nuns agree.

A few minutes later there's a knock on the door. One of the nuns looks through the mail slot and sees a man standing there. So she says "Who is it?" and the man answers "I'm the blind man."

Relieved the nun opens the door, and the man walks in and says "Nice hooters. Where do you want these blinds?"

Two men are painting a church.

They are painting it blue.

They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.

The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.

They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.

Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

A Blonde With Paint

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

How to make Paint jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Paint to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Paint? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Paint pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes