Pains Jokes
66 pains jokes and hilarious pains puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pains that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn how to turn period pains into laughter with these funny jokes. Aches and pains are often a major source of stress and tension, but by injecting some humor into the situation, you could find some simple ways to relieve some of that effort. Get the casserole ready and get ready to laugh!
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- Short Pains Jokes
- Pains One Liners
- Stomach Pains Jokes
- Period Pains Jokes
- Aches And Pains Jokes
- More Pains Jokes
Funniest Pains Short Jokes
Short pains jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pains humour may include short painful jokes also.
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
- My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
- Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
- Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years. To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!
- Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
- My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
- My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
- I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...) - In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy. - In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
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Pains One Liners
Which pains one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pains? I can suggest the ones about feel pain and cramps.
- At what frequency does laughter become painful 1 gigglehurts
- What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain? Darthritis
- I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery... Now I'm in a world of pain.
- I'm pained to have to say this... Ouch
- Why do masochists cook with gas? Because they're pro-pain enthusiasts.
- I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France. It was a painful experience.
- It was a real pain canceling my gym membership. They made me hand in a too weak notice.
- What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
- French bakers hate me... ...I feel their pain.
- Pain is so annoying. It really gets on my nerves.
- What is the motto of a french baker? no pain no gain
- I was having a lot of back pain in Egypt So I called the cairopractor
- What do you call a cow that can't feel pain? A c
- Girl, are you the sun? Because it pains my eyes just to look at you.
- LPT: Dont buy French bread You will get nothing but Pain
Stomach Pains Jokes
Here is a list of funny stomach pains jokes and even better stomach pains puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Fear of hospitals Fear of hospitals isn't irrational. I went to 1 once for stomach pain and I had a kid following me ever since calling me mom!
- I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs. I think I've got indiegestion.
- Went to a German restaurant yesterday and came back with crazy stomach pains. Couldn't get off the toilet. It was the wurst.
- The Indian man went to the doctor complaining about stomach pains. He had Hindigestion.
- A Irishman, m**... goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
m**... : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"
Period Pains Jokes
Here is a list of funny period pains jokes and even better period pains puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Men will never experience the pain of a period Because the closest we'll ever get is a coma.
- God said to Eve: "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;" Clever as she was, she asked, "You mind if I pay in periods?"
- I told my boss I won't be coming. He said, "Why?"
I said, "Period pains."
He said, "You're a guy..."
I said, "I know, but my girlfriend won't stop screaming." - (Misogynist Joke #4) - My girlfriend complains about how painful her period cramps are... I reminded her that's her fault for being a woman.
- (Misogyny Joke) My girlfriend was complaining about having "painful period cramps" I told her it was her fault for being a woman.
ha - My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before I looked her right in the face and said "stop o**... acting"
Aches And Pains Jokes
Here is a list of funny aches and pains jokes and even better aches and pains puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a vegetable with back pain? A spine-ache
- I told my wife I was gonna start smoking p**.... She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say... m**... truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.
Entertaining Pains Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about pains you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hurts jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pains pranks.
A man diagnosed with t**... cancer...
A man diagnosed with t**... cancer tells his family of the bad news, he starts:
"It pains me to say this..."
A woman goes to the doctor
A woman goes to the doctor one day and tells him she's been having some stomach pains. In reply the doctor takes some samples and tells the woman to come back a week later when the results are in. So a week later the woman goes to the doctor and asks "So what's wrong with me?", "well..." says the doctor "in 6 months from now you be changing diapers.", in astonishment the woman exclaims "wow, I'm pregnant?", "No..." says the doctor "you have bowel cancer."
I go to the doctors office...
And tell the doctor that I've been having headaches and pains in my side.
The doctor says, "We'll run every test we can." then takes some blood and leaves the room.
The doctor comes in a short time later and says "Sir, this is pretty serious, I need to ask you to stop m**...."
Horrified I ask "Why? What's wrong doctor?"
He says "I'm trying to examine you."
I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee...
My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug
A poem for Valentine's Day
Love is the f**... of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.
Why do feminists only drive cars with automatic transmissions?
It pains them to have standards.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
He was having window pains
I'm sorry
While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting
super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis
A woman visits her doctor since she has some abdominal pains ...
She thinks she might be pregnant. After the examination, the doctor comes out to see her.
Doctor: *"Well, I hope you like changing diapers."*
Patient: *"Oh my god, are you serious? Am I pregnant?"*
Doctor: *"No, you've got colon cancer."*
A woman goes to the doctor
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"
Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"
It pains me to say it but...
...I think I might have laryngitis.
I told my superstitious friend I was having knee pains
She said "I have been reading into astrology and its said that Capricorn, the sea-goat, has more knee pains. Are you a Capricorn?"
I said "No ma'am. I'm a Taurus, and that's bull."
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.
One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"
John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and I even drool on myself."
My wife was recently submitted to hospital with chest pains.
The consultant said, "Mr Smith, your wife has acute angina"
I said, "Yes I know that, but how's her heart ?"
A woman visits the doctor because she's been suffering from some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After he finishes examining her, the doctor comes out to see her and says, "Well, I hope you like changing diapers."
The woman replies, "Oh my God! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"
The doctor says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."
What Roman emperor suffered from head pains?
Julius Seizure
I've been listening to classical music too loud and now my ears hurt.
I'm having some pretty bad Bach pains.
Growing Pains
My friend always used to cry when people called him short, but then he grew out of that.
I had the worst gas pains ever since I bought my first car. Then I bought a Tesla.
Now I find I'm frequently just low on energy.
I almost had a heart attack at the circus
I was suffering severe jest pains
God's punishment
God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.
Wife has chest pains and is examined at ER
Doc comes out and says to husband,
"She has acute angina"
Husband says, "I know.....I know..but what is wrong with her?"
My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink
He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the cinema.
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and b**... functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I c**... like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
An very obese woman goes to the ER complaining about stomach pains
The nurse checks her in and takes her vitals. She asks if she's s**... actively, the patient says No
A while later the doctor comes in to do a pelvic exam and notices a baby's head crowning. He calls for labor and delivery and exasperated, asks the woman I thought you said you weren't s**... active?!
She replies I'm not, I just lay there.
A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a r**... exam.
The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.
As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"
The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"
The doctor says, "Mine is"
A guy takes his wife to the doctor.
He tells the doctor that she is having chest pains. The doctor examined her and told her husband she has acute angina. The husband says I think so too, what do you think of her t**...?
A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.
After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.
The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"
"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested on people."
A man goes to a doctor...
for excruciating pains he's having in his abdomen. The doctor prescribes him suppositories, convinced that this will correct the issue.
About a week later, the doctor receives a call from the man, furious that his condition has gotten worse.
Surprised and alarmed, the doctor calmly asks the man if he's taken the medicine, to which the man replied "of course I have! What do you think I was doing? Shoving them up my a**...?"
What's the #1 cure for headaches and ear pains?
Divorce
Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...
After Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, he experienced chest pains.
He was quickly rushed to Mount Sinai Heating & Plumbing.
