Painful Jokes
95 painful jokes and hilarious painful puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about painful that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Painful Short Jokes
Short painful jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The painful humour may include short pains jokes also.
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
- My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
- Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
- Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years. To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!
- Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
- My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
- My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
- I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...) - In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy. - In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
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Painful One Liners
Which painful one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with painful? I can suggest the ones about hurtful and difficult.
- At what frequency does laughter become painful 1 gigglehurts
- What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain? Darthritis
- I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery... Now I'm in a world of pain.
- I'm pained to have to say this... Ouch
- Why do masochists cook with gas? Because they're pro-pain enthusiasts.
- I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France. It was a painful experience.
- It was a real pain canceling my gym membership. They made me hand in a too weak notice.
- What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
- French bakers hate me... ...I feel their pain.
- Pain is so annoying. It really gets on my nerves.
- What is the motto of a french baker? no pain no gain
- I was having a lot of back pain in Egypt So I called the cairopractor
- What do you call a cow that can't feel pain? A c
- Girl, are you the sun? Because it pains my eyes just to look at you.
- LPT: Dont buy French bread You will get nothing but Pain
Laughter Painful Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about painful you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean feel pain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make painful pranks.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
The wife was screaming at her Husband:
"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?
An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.
She asks her class: Whoever feels s**... at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel s**... from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.
(Misogynist Joke #4) - My girlfriend complains about how painful her period cramps are...
I reminded her that's her fault for being a woman.
My gf told me to leave and never come back...
My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"
BIG fight
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
Being single in valentines day its not painful
If yo dont have a partner in valentines day, then dont be sad..
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Not every people have Aids On Aids Day grin emoticon
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Being single in valentines day its not painful, BuT
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Not Having Mom In Mothers Day, its Really Painful
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years?
Soviet Reunion
Terrible and painful, I know.
Feminism is like wisdom teeth...
useful in the past, but painful, annoying, and useless now.
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery..
But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said "I stand corrected".
What do you call painful constipation?
Excretiating pain
Did you hear about how Bane is breeding sheep?
It's extremely painful.
For ewe.
My girlfriend of 2 years just told me her ex used to beat her really badly, and she never told me b/c it's really painful for her to talk about. I feel bad I didn't figure it out sooner.
I always thought she just really hated high fives.
What is a painful experience driving with others underground called?
Carpool tunnel
What is the most painful Russian dance?
Tchaikovsky's *The Nutcracker*.
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
What's the only painful car rental company?
Hertz.
My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before
I looked her right in the face and said "stop o**... acting"
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts
I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
My first time having s**... was alot like my first football game
It was painful, it was tiring
But at least my dad came
High school is like a noose
Extremely painful but it's over before you know it.
I got painful coughs while renovating a home...
...so obviously the condition of the home isn't asbestos it could be.
I once went to a French bakery...
It was very painful...
I took a bird back to my house the other night
I took a bird back to my house the other night. Why are all of these photos turned the other way? she asked, confused.
They're pictures of my wife, I replied. They're just too painful to look at.
Oh, I'm sorry, she stammered, I didn't know. How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?
Both of her parents were ugly, I replied.
Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful"
Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful. I will prefer to get Pregnant than getting my cavity filled"
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Dentist: " Make a Decision, I will adjust the chair accordingly."
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
I continued, "Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
Just read a book about our ankle
Was a painful experience as it had a lot of unexpected twists.
when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.
The same thing is true if you're s**....
When you die, you don't know you're dead. It's just painful for everyone around you.
It's the same when you act like a d**...
They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience...
Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don't think it hurt all that much...
What did the atom say when he lost an electron
Ow. That was ionisingly painful
Painfully bad joke my younger brother told me.
What do you call an expert on marine life? An aFISHionado.
Hamlet has to pee [Hamleak]
Quick little blurb I wrote in class:
To pee, or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention.
Or to take arm against a see of u**... and by opposing relive it.
To go-to pee,
No more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that u**... is heir to: 'tis a consummation devoutly to be p**...'d.
After a long and painful relationship, I finally had to break up with my blind girlfriend...
We didn't really see eye to eye
What do you call a slow and painful death
life.
A lady goes to a gynecologist for a routine exam
She gets into the gown and positions herself into the stirrups. When the doctor comes in, he tells her that the exam may be painful and asked if she would like to be numbed. Afraid of the pain, she replies, please. The doctor says okay, this will just take a minute . The doctor puts on his gloves, lifts up her gown, begins to put his head between her legs and goes numb numb numb numb...
My first time was like being stuck by lightning
It was a quick and painful discharge
Which Elvis song, is his most painful?
Caught in a trap.
I got food poisoning from a can of Spaghetti-O's....
It was the most painful vowel movement of my life.
At what frequency does laughter become painful
Doesn't matter how often it is, it still hurts when they laugh at you
My missus packed my bags.
As I was walking out the door she said 'I wish you a slow and painful death you b**...!'
'Oh' I replied 'So you want me to stay now then?!'
When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.
Bush wasn't that bad.
I've always wanted to jump from a plane before I die...
But then again, I think I'll opt for a less painful death.
My grandfather told me that a baby crying was the most painful thing in the world...
So I threw one at a guy crossing the road
I ran into my ex the other day.
It was painful.
Why are men always happy when their wife are in labor?
It's the most painful experience of her life and she can't make him do it.
What do being dead and being an idiot have in common?
It's only painful for other people
Circumcision is a painful procedure to inflict on a newborn.
After I was circumcised I couldn't walk for a year.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his c**....
The bartender whinces and says "Are you alright? That looks painful!"
The pirate replied "Aar! Its driving me nuts!"
You know how painful my circumcision was?
I couldn't walk for two years!
Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives.
In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours.
And in the other life I'm a doctor.
I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...
I think I should look for a new dentist....
Childbirth
All my life, I've heard women say that childbirth is the most painful thing in the world, even worse than a man getting kicked between the legs. How they know that? I'm not sure. But I can prove them wrong: A woman has a baby. A year-and-a-half to two years later, she wants another one. I've never heard a man ask to have another kick in the nuts.
"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.
"How long?" he asked.
"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."
"Being a doctor, and being married to you..." said my wife. "..it feels like I'm living two lives."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours," she replied. "And in the other life I'm a doctor."
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the t**... is More Painful than Childbirth
After childbirth 34% of women said Yes they would like to have another child.
After getting hit in the t**... ~0% of men said Yes they'd like to do that again.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems
"Doc. My b**... just ain't right the past few days." he says.
"Alright," says the doctor.
"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."
The guy does so, points and says,
"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."
The doctor is taken back and says,
"Well... I believe it is hurting because you just called it the entrance"
A Pokemon trainer goes to see a doctor
She is worried about a substantial, painful growth on one of her fingers, but the doctor tells her it's not a big deal: "It's actually quite common for a Pokemon trainer to have a bulbous sore on their hands."
What do you call a cow that you sit on but it's super painful?
A couch.
Get the h**... out!
A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get the h**... out. As he walked to the door she yelled "and I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death". He turned around and said, "so you want me to stay"?
A man had bandages on both ears
His friend asked what happened to your ears?
The man said I was ironing my clothes and then the phone rang so without thinking I pressed the hot iron to my ear.
Oh no that sounds terrible! But then why do you have bandages on both ears?
Well the burn was quite painful so I figured I should call the doctor
Two women died and were waiting at the gates of heaven. They talked to each other.
How did you die?
I froze to death. It was painful and took a long time. And you? How did you die?
A heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me and I came home suddenly. He was alone in our bedroom. But I felt his girlfriend was somewhere! So I spend a long time looking for her from the basement to the attic. I got exhausted and had a heart attack.
It's ironic.
What is?
If you had checked the freezer first, we would both still be alive!
Being dead is like being s**......
Its only painful for others!
Pulled out a nose hair today...
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems pretty painful.
A man summons a genie from a lamp
The genie says he'll grant 3 wishes.The man's first wish is for infinite wishes.Well the genie tells the man that he can't wish for more wishes.So the man wishes for an umbrella.The genie does so and then ask Why do you need an umbrella? .The man then says Now shove it up your a**... . With a painful groan the genie does so.He then says Okay w**...,what next? . The man then says Now give me more wishes before I make you open the umbrella
A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the b**...
The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the b**... again'
A blonde, worried about the h**... crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on
and they stayed there.
Tacking them could be painful."
What hurts the worst?
A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the b**...?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a woman endures during birth." "Pure logic," the bartender replies. "You never see a man deciding two years later to go out and get kicked in the b**... again ..."
Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.
Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don't think it hurt too much.
A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him.
Hey what's all that in your pocket?
He says It's tennis balls
Well, if it's anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!
Castration
This American guy was sharing his African adventures with his buddies where he had spent a few weeks.One of his buddies asked him what was the weirdest things he witnessed over there.
He replied, in Africa,they castrate the bulls by busting their balls by smashing them together with a BRICK in each hand.
His friend said ouch,that must be quite painful.
He replied,nah not really,unless you are careless and you smash your thumbs.
