painful Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious painful puns

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

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Circumcisions are painful.

When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year

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At what frequency does laughter become painful

1 gigglehurts

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when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.

The same thing is true if you're stupid.

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One from Australia for you…

The Mrs and I had a huge bust up. She screamed at me to pack my bags and GTFO.

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said "I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!"

"So, what? You want me to stay now?" I replied.

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My first time having sex was alot like my first football game

It was painful, it was tiring

But at least my dad came

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So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

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A wife got so mad at her husband...

that she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out of the house. As he walked out, she screamed, "I hope you die a slow, painful death!" He turned around and said, "Does that mean you want me to stay?"

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BIG FIGHT

My wife and I had a huge fight and she told me to get the hell out.
To spite her I went upstairs and packed my suitcases. Coming down the staircase, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs.
'I hope you die a slow and painful death, you bastard,' she hissed.
I reply,' So, now you're asking me to stay?'

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My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

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Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.

The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"What? Why?" asks the guy.

"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."

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An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.

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The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

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Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

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I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

I continued, "Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

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BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags.
As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death. Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny..

"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."

Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.

"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."

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Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts

I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards

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I agree

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.

The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.


Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

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I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France.

It was a painful experience.

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From my Botswanan friend

A man dies and goes to hell.

He finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?'
... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day'.
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.

He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russia Hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.

Then he comes to the BOTSWANA Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?'

He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
The BOTSWANA devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.

'But, that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?' asks the man.

Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work.
The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.
And the BOTSWANA devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in;
signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.'

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A wife is yelling at her husband "Get out! Get out! Get out!"

A wife is yelling at her husband "Get out! Get out! Get out!"

As her husband is leaving, she screams "I hope you die a slow, painful death"

Husband says "So .... now you want me to stay?"

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An elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a painful splinter in his foot

He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass."

The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the splinter. The elephant is immediately relived, and thanks the ant. The ant says, "You made a deal - now I get to fuck you up the ass!" The elephant laughs again and says, "Yep, a deal is a deal - go ahead!"

So the ant climbs up the elephant's hind leg, goes under his tail, and starts to do his business. Meanwhile, a monkey has been up in a tree watching this whole thing, and throws a coconut at the elephant, hitting him squarely in the head.

The elephant then rears up on his hind legs and lets out a huge yell of pain.

The ant screams, "Take it all, Bitch!"

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Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful"

Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful. I will prefer to get Pregnant than getting my cavity filled"
.

.

.

.

Dentist: " Make a Decision, I will adjust the chair accordingly."

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What's bloody and painful and happens once a month?

Flossing

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What is the most painful way to be measured

In megahertz

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BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.

The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.

So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"

The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."

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Another, yet different, three doors in hell joke.

So a man who who has just died was judged, and sent to hell. When he got there, the Devil stated that there were three doors, each leading to a different punishment, you were set free once someone else picked your door. Behind the first door was one of Satan's demons lashing a man with whips and chains. So the man said " I don't like this one." Behind the second door was a child doing very painful looking stretches that would never start to feel better. The man said, "It's better, but lets see the third door, and it is a poor little child." Behind the third door, it was dark, and rather warm. All the man saw was Bill Clinton and a women (who was very pretty) going at it. So the man thought to himself, "Wow, they call that punishment?!" Then stated to the Devil, "I choose the punishment behind room 3!" The devil replies, "Alright then, you there, behind door three, get your sh*t and get out, your free." A few moment's later, from behind door 3, walks out a beautiful women.

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A man is caught having sex with the ham slicer at a grocery store. [NSFW]

Word quickly gets around town, two men are discussing the story in a bar.

One says, "A ham slicer? That sounds painful."

The other man replies, "yeah, naturally he ended up getting fired for it."

The first man then asks, "well, what did they do with the ham slicer in the end?"

The man replies, "oh, she got fired as well."

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"When I see Donald Trump..." - Edinburgh Fringe 2018

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn't that bad.



Angela Barnes, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm


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What are the most funny Painful jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Painful? Well, here are the best Painful dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Painful pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes