Painful Jokes
95 painful jokes and hilarious painful puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about painful that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Painful Short Jokes
Short painful jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The painful humour may include short hurtful jokes also.
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
- My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
- Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
- Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
- My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
- I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...) - In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy. - I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday.... It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
- Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"
She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault." - Man offers a drink to a woman at a party. Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
Man: Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
Woman: No, they spread.
Share These Painful Jokes With Friends
Painful One Liners
Which painful one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with painful? I can suggest the ones about difficult and feel pain.
- At what frequency does laughter become painful 1 gigglehurts
- What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain? Darthritis
- I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery... Now I'm in a world of pain.
- I'm pained to have to say this... Ouch
- Why do masochists cook with gas? Because they're pro-pain enthusiasts.
- I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France. It was a painful experience.
- It was a real pain canceling my gym membership. They made me hand in a too weak notice.
- What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
- French bakers hate me... ...I feel their pain.
- Pain is so annoying. It really gets on my nerves.
- What is the motto of a french baker? no pain no gain
- What do you call a cow that can't feel pain? A c
- LPT: Dont buy French bread You will get nothing but Pain
- Got too much pain from watching Power Rangers Guess it's morphine time...
- How does a baguette fight end? With a lot of pain.
Laughter Painful Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about painful you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean uncomfortable jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make painful pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.
She asks her class: Whoever feels s**... at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel s**... from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.
So there was this soccer game....
One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.
The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.
So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"
The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Misogynist Joke #4) - My girlfriend complains about how painful her period cramps are...
I reminded her that's her fault for being a woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Misogyny Joke) My girlfriend was complaining about having "painful period cramps"
I told her it was her fault for being a woman.
ha
Being single in valentines day its not painful
If yo dont have a partner in valentines day, then dont be sad..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not every people have Aids On Aids Day grin emoticon
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Being single in valentines day its not painful, BuT
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not Having Mom In Mothers Day, its Really Painful
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years?
Soviet Reunion
Terrible and painful, I know.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Feminism is like wisdom teeth...
useful in the past, but painful, annoying, and useless now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This Trump impeachment thing is a lot like constipation.
It’s a long and painful process that will probably end with the p**... not leaving
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Baby shower...
sounds like very painful activity.
A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery..
But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said "I stand corrected".
What do you call painful constipation?
Excretiating pain
what is a painfully loud color?
YELLOW!!
Why do babies cry when they're born?
Because it's the most painful day in their lives
Did you hear about how Bane is breeding sheep?
It's extremely painful.
For ewe.
My girlfriend of 2 years just told me her ex used to beat her really badly, and she never told me b/c it's really painful for her to talk about. I feel bad I didn't figure it out sooner.
I always thought she just really hated high fives.
What is a painful experience driving with others underground called?
Carpool tunnel
I will never work in a French bakery again.
The experience was too painful
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's too tight
Girl: It's too tight! Boy: Don't worry, I'll do it slowly Girl: Push it in! Boy: Ah, I can't... Girl: It's painful... Boy: Forget it.
I'll just buy a new wedding ring
What is the most painful Russian dance?
Tchaikovsky's *The Nutcracker*.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
I took a massive, terrifyingly painful dump the other day.
It was excretiating.
What's the only painful car rental company?
Hertz.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before
I looked her right in the face and said "stop o**... acting"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts
I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
High school is like a noose
Extremely painful but it's over before you know it.
I got painful coughs while renovating a home...
...so obviously the condition of the home isn't asbestos it could be.
Passover pun
My brother hosts our family's passover meals. During the course of the dinner he incorporates puns taken from the Haggadah. His puns are so painful we call him the Marquis de Seder.
I took a bird back to my house the other night
I took a bird back to my house the other night. Why are all of these photos turned the other way? she asked, confused.
They're pictures of my wife, I replied. They're just too painful to look at.
Oh, I'm sorry, she stammered, I didn't know. How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?
Both of her parents were ugly, I replied.
Isn't the pull out method a little barbaric?
Literally reaching in to pull out the fetus seems painful
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
If so, I feel bad for you... that must have been real painful.
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
I continued, "Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
Just read a book about our ankle
Was a painful experience as it had a lot of unexpected twists.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.
The same thing is true if you're s**....
What did the atom say when he lost an electron
Ow. That was ionisingly painful
Painfully bad joke my younger brother told me.
What do you call an expert on marine life? An aFISHionado.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hamlet has to pee [Hamleak]
Quick little blurb I wrote in class:
To pee, or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention.
Or to take arm against a see of u**... and by opposing relive it.
To go-to pee,
No more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that u**... is heir to: 'tis a consummation devoutly to be p**...'d.
After a long and painful relationship, I finally had to break up with my blind girlfriend...
We didn't really see eye to eye
What do you call a slow and painful death
life.
A lady goes to a gynecologist for a routine exam
She gets into the gown and positions herself into the stirrups. When the doctor comes in, he tells her that the exam may be painful and asked if she would like to be numbed. Afraid of the pain, she replies, please. The doctor says okay, this will just take a minute . The doctor puts on his gloves, lifts up her gown, begins to put his head between her legs and goes numb numb numb numb...
My first time was like being stuck by lightning
It was a quick and painful discharge
Which Elvis song, is his most painful?
Caught in a trap.
I got food poisoning from a can of Spaghetti-O's....
It was the most painful vowel movement of my life.
At what frequency does laughter become painful
Doesn't matter how often it is, it still hurts when they laugh at you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At what frequency is horror painful?
1 t**...-hurts
When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.
Bush wasn't that bad.
Going to university is like getting a tattoo.
It's painful, expensive, and sometimes you regret even doing it.
Why Would It Have Been Painful for René DesCartes to Discover Derivatives?
He would have created a Renal Calculus!
What's the most painful part for an Italian man when his mama dies?
Cutting the umbilical cord.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've broken by arms today
It was extremely painful but humerus
What red, really painful, and sings?
John Menstrual Cramp.
If thirty years have passed you're still angry at your kids for leaving those painful little blocks on the floor...
Don't be. It's time to forgive and lego of the past.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's more painful between Childbirth and getting kicked in the nuts?
Getting kicked in the nuts is far more painful. After all, sometime, 1 year or so after giving birth, a woman might say ''I'd like to have another child''
But you will never hear a man say ''I'd like to get kicked in the nuts again''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather told me that a baby crying was the most painful thing in the world...
So I threw one at a guy crossing the road
I ran into my ex the other day.
It was painful.
Why are men always happy when their wife are in labor?
It's the most painful experience of her life and she can't make him do it.
What do being dead and being an idiot have in common?
It's only painful for other people
You know how painful my circumcision was?
I couldn't walk for two years!
Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives.
In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours.
And in the other life I'm a doctor.
I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...
I think I should look for a new dentist....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Childbirth
All my life, I've heard women say that childbirth is the most painful thing in the world, even worse than a man getting kicked between the legs. How they know that? I'm not sure. But I can prove them wrong: A woman has a baby. A year-and-a-half to two years later, she wants another one. I've never heard a man ask to have another kick in the nuts.
"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.
"How long?" he asked.
"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the t**... is More Painful than Childbirth
After childbirth 34% of women said Yes they would like to have another child.
After getting hit in the t**... ~0% of men said Yes they'd like to do that again.
A Pokemon trainer goes to see a doctor
She is worried about a substantial, painful growth on one of her fingers, but the doctor tells her it's not a big deal: "It's actually quite common for a Pokemon trainer to have a bulbous sore on their hands."
What do you call a cow that you sit on but it's super painful?
A couch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Get the h**... out!
A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get the h**... out. As he walked to the door she yelled "and I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death". He turned around and said, "so you want me to stay"?
Two women died and were waiting at the gates of heaven. They talked to each other.
How did you die?
I froze to death. It was painful and took a long time. And you? How did you die?
A heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me and I came home suddenly. He was alone in our bedroom. But I felt his girlfriend was somewhere! So I spend a long time looking for her from the basement to the attic. I got exhausted and had a heart attack.
It's ironic.
What is?
If you had checked the freezer first, we would both still be alive!
Pulled out a nose hair today...
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems pretty painful.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man summons a genie from a lamp
The genie says he'll grant 3 wishes.The man's first wish is for infinite wishes.Well the genie tells the man that he can't wish for more wishes.So the man wishes for an umbrella.The genie does so and then ask Why do you need an umbrella? .The man then says Now shove it up your a**... . With a painful groan the genie does so.He then says Okay w**...,what next? . The man then says Now give me more wishes before I make you open the umbrella
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the b**...
The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the b**... again'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What hurts the worst?
A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the b**...?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a woman endures during birth." "Pure logic," the bartender replies. "You never see a man deciding two years later to go out and get kicked in the b**... again ..."
Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.
Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don't think it hurt too much.
A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him.
Hey what's all that in your pocket?
He says It's tennis balls
Well, if it's anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!
Castration
This American guy was sharing his African adventures with his buddies where he had spent a few weeks.One of his buddies asked him what was the weirdest things he witnessed over there.
He replied, in Africa,they castrate the bulls by busting their balls by smashing them together with a BRICK in each hand.
His friend said ouch,that must be quite painful.
He replied,nah not really,unless you are careless and you smash your thumbs.
