painful Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious painful stories

What are the best Painful puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Painful? Well here is a complete list of Painful to have fun with:

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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One from Australia for you…

The Mrs and I had a huge bust up. She screamed at me to pack my bags and GTFO.

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said "I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!"

"So, what? You want me to stay now?" I replied.

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My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

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Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.

The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"What? Why?" asks the guy.

"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."

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An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.

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The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

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Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

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An elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a painful splinter in his foot

He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass."

The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the splinter. The elephant is immediately relived, and thanks the ant. The ant says, "You made a deal - now I get to fuck you up the ass!" The elephant laughs again and says, "Yep, a deal is a deal - go ahead!"

So the ant climbs up the elephant's hind leg, goes under his tail, and starts to do his business. Meanwhile, a monkey has been up in a tree watching this whole thing, and throws a coconut at the elephant, hitting him squarely in the head.

The elephant then rears up on his hind legs and lets out a huge yell of pain.

The ant screams, "Take it all, Bitch!"

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BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags.
As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death. Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It's painful only for others.

It's the same for if you are stupid.

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What's bloody and painful and happens once a month?

Flossing

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BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

I washed my car today and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women believe that giving birth must be way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

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There's this lady who works in a bank...

... her name is Patricia Wack, but all her friends and colleagues call her Pattie. She's very good at her job. One of those people who pays painful and pedantic attention to detail, does everything by the book, and is generally a bit annoying, but does a great job as a bank teller.


One day, while she's going about her daily tasks, a frog hops up onto her counter.


"I want a loan," says the frog.


"Have you filled out the application?" asks Patricia.


"No," replies the frog. "I don't need to bother with all that bullshit. Just go and get your manager. I've dealt with him before, and he'll give me the loan."


"Hang on," says Patricia, "I don't see any paperwork or ID, and I don't know the first thing about you. I don't know if you're having me on, or trying to defraud the bank. What's your name?"


"Kermit Jagger," says the frog.


"Now you're really having me on," says Patricia. "Get out of this bank before I call the police."


"No, seriously, go talk to your manager," says the frog. He digs around in his pocket and pulls out a Mr Bean Bobblehead. "Take this and give it to him. He'll know what it is."


Patricia reluctantly takes the toy, and walks upstairs to her manager's office. She knocks on the door, and he waves her in.


"What is it, Pattie?" He asks.


"Well, sir, there's a frog downstairs wanting a loan, but has none of the necessary documents or ID. He says he knows you, and to give you this." With that she places the bobblehead on the manager's desk.


The manager looks at it for a little while, smiles and says, "No worries, Pattie. You can go ahead and approve him up to $20,000."


"But sir!!! He has no ID or credit history with him! He didn't bring any paperwork, and won't do this by the book at all! What's going on, anyway? And what is that... toy that he made me bring to you, anyway?? What's that got to do with it?"


The manager sighs, leans forward, and says, "It's a nick-nack, Pattie Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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I've recently admitted to being a masochist.

The realization has been painful, but I like it.

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Get ready for an extremely painful pun...

Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass.

*I'll show myself out...*

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Also in honor of Mother's Day

A woman is delivering a child at the hospital. Her husband is there, giving her moral support. Suddenly she screams "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!" The husband looks at her, chuckles to himself and says, "You know, I wanted to put it in your butt, but you said it would be too painful"

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How do you make a car top?

Tep on the brake, tupid!

...

Third grade was a painful time.

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(Misogynist Joke #4) - My girlfriend complains about how painful her period cramps are...

I reminded her that's her fault for being a woman.

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What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years?

Soviet Reunion

Terrible and painful, I know.

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Heard this one from my dentist...

After a woman had a painful operation at the dental office, she said, "I don't know what's worse, this, or having a baby!"

The dentist said, "well, next time, tell us so we know how to adjust the chair."

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Feminism is like wisdom teeth...

useful in the past, but painful, annoying, and useless now.

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Being single in valentines day its not painful

If yo dont have a partner in valentines day, then dont be sad..
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Not every people have Aids On Aids Day grin emoticon
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Being single in valentines day its not painful, BuT
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Not Having Mom In Mothers Day, its Really Painful

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What's the slowest, most painful way to kill yourself?

Get married.

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Why are your jokes so painful?

...it must be the punchline

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A man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

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(Misogyny Joke) My girlfriend was complaining about having "painful period cramps"

I told her it was her fault for being a woman.

ha

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NIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death. Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?

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My girlfriend is always complaining about how painful her period cramps are.

I told her that's her fault for being a woman.

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My girlfriend sometimes complains about how painful her period cramps are....

I told her to shut up, that's her fault for being a woman

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Researchers discovered multiple piles of Bigfoot dung.

They observed what looked like porcupine quills In the piles of dung.
One researcher said "based on my previous studies, Bigfoot is an herbivore. The painful act of eating porcupines is something Bigfoot simply does not do."
The other replied "Well based on this evidence, that's definitely something they do do."

(You're welcome / I'm sorry)

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Where would the world be?

Every single time I sit in that same seat I have been sitting in for years. "Yeah I'd like to order a "- NAW! It's just to painful to mention those exact words. Was it not us that caused such a tragic moment in our lives. Memories will live on forever, unfortunately... The taste of KFC's tacos will not. R.I.P. Taco Bell.

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Bill and Joe come to America

Bill and Joe come to America looking for jobs. After searching everywhere with no luck, they finally find jobs in Alaska. They are so happy to find jobs, they decide to celebrate by getting completely shit faced drunk that night. The next morning they go to a diner for breakfast. Bill and Joe, hungover with painful headaches, try their hardest to remember what they did last night. When the waitress comes to take their order, Bill decides to ask her a few questions.

Bill- I have a question, in Alaska, are there black women?

Waitress- uhhh yea of course

Bill- In Alaska, are there white women?

Waitress- Yes, Yes of course there are

Bill- In Alaska, are there black and white women?

Waitress- umm i dont think so


Bill looks over to Joe with disgust and says "God damnit Joe! We had sex with Penguins last night!

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Divorce Joke

Mr and Mrs Beaver were concluding a bitter and painful divorce. The main bone of contention was the family home. It was towards the end of the case and the judge asked if they had any final statements for eachother. Mrs Beaver passed. Mr Beaver nodded and turned to his wife and with all the dignity he could muster said "Frankly my dear, I dont give a dam"

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Another, yet different, three doors in hell joke.

So a man who who has just died was judged, and sent to hell. When he got there, the Devil stated that there were three doors, each leading to a different punishment, you were set free once someone else picked your door. Behind the first door was one of Satan's demons lashing a man with whips and chains. So the man said " I don't like this one." Behind the second door was a child doing very painful looking stretches that would never start to feel better. The man said, "It's better, but lets see the third door, and it is a poor little child." Behind the third door, it was dark, and rather warm. All the man saw was Bill Clinton and a women (who was very pretty) going at it. So the man thought to himself, "Wow, they call that punishment?!" Then stated to the Devil, "I choose the punishment behind room 3!" The devil replies, "Alright then, you there, behind door three, get your sh*t and get out, your free." A few moment's later, from behind door 3, walks out a beautiful women.

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A guy walks into a bar...

...it's very painful. The bar should not have been that low.

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Have you ever met that one guy you really want to punch in the face?

Turns out punching a mirror is painful for your hand.

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A married couple went to the hospital

So that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced. But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man. Still no problem for the man. So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting. After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby. Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.

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What is the most painful cereal known to man kind?

Banana Nut Crunch.

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disease riddled snatch

This guy kept going to Lorraine the hooker even though every time he did, he wound up with a nasty dose of VD that gave him cloudy and painful urine.

Then Lorraine died of hyperclap.

At her funeral, the man was singing, "I can pee clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."

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Most painful experiences

Three men are in the wilderness around a campfire sharing their most painful experiences.
The first man says "I fell off of a 12 foot ladder, broke both my legs, and was hospitalized for 8 weeks"
The second man says "I was crossing the street and a car ran me over, but I got caught on it and was dragged face down for 5 miles."
The third man says "my second most painful experience was when I was hunting and needed to take a crap in the woods. So I went behind a bush and crouched down and WHAM! A bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
Both the first and the second man say "well then what was the most painful?"
The third man calmly replies "oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain"

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Painful

A group of guys and girls are sitting together at a ball game. During the game one of the guys notices that one girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and he's really impressed. After the game he asks her, "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

The girl says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guy is amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"

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A guy gets pulled over by a cop

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

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So this man walks into a brothel...

He asks the pimp, "What's your cheapest one?"

"$10 but he's a bug chaser."

"What's a bug chaser?"

"Ya know what, he's free for the night. Last door on your left. Just don't turn on the light. He's easily spooked."

So he starts screwing, but then stops because of how painful it is.

"What's wrong, honey?"

"It's just so dry. I can't stand it."

"Okay, sweetie. Cover your nose for a second. Alright, now I'm ready."

So he has his way again and this time has the best sex of his life.

"Wow, that was wonderful! What did you do?"

"Oh sugar, I just picked the scabs off."

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So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.

The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.

So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"

The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."

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From my Botswanan friend

A man dies and goes to hell.

He finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?'
... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day'.
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.

He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russia Hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.

Then he comes to the BOTSWANA Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?'

He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
The BOTSWANA devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.

'But, that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?' asks the man.

Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work.
The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.
And the BOTSWANA devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in;
signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.'

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The power of words

A guy is having sex with a girl.
After a couple of minutes the girl says OUCH!
The guy doesn't stop and continues humping away.
After another couple of minutes the girl says OUCH! again louder.
Once more, the guy doesn't stop and keeps fucking her
A while after, the girl screams "Stop it it's painful!"
This time the guy stops and says "painful? that's a pretty big word for a 3 year old"

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Feminism is like wisdom teeth...

useful in the past, but now it's painful, annoying and useless.

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A blond man goes to the doctor

A blond man goes to the doctor and complains that it is very painful wherever he touches. He pushes his thigh with his finger and jumps up in excruciating pain. He proceeds to touch his arm and jumps in pain. Then he touched his chest and he can't handle the pain. The doctor told him "please refrain from using your finger. You finger is broken."

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best painful jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty painful gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these painful jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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