Pain Jokes

170 pain jokes and hilarious pain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh through the aches and pains with these funny pain jokes! From back pain to knee pain, we've got jokes about it all. Find out what the doctor said that had everyone in stitches. Get ready for a pang of pain relief!

Funniest Pain Short Jokes

Short pain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pain humour may include short panic jokes also.

  1. My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
  2. My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
  3. Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
  4. Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years. To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!
  5. Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
  6. My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
  7. My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
  8. I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
    (England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)
  9. In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
    However poison IV would make you really itchy.
  10. In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

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Pain One Liners

Which pain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pain? I can suggest the ones about pulse and pill.

  1. At what frequency does laughter become painful 1 gigglehurts
  2. What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain? Darthritis
  3. I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery... Now I'm in a world of pain.
  4. I'm pained to have to say this... Ouch
  5. Why do masochists cook with gas? Because they're pro-pain enthusiasts.
  6. I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France. It was a painful experience.
  7. It was a real pain canceling my gym membership. They made me hand in a too weak notice.
  8. What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
  9. French bakers hate me... ...I feel their pain.
  10. Pain is so annoying. It really gets on my nerves.
  11. What is the motto of a french baker? no pain no gain
  12. I was having a lot of back pain in Egypt So I called the cairopractor
  13. What do you call a cow that can't feel pain? A c
  14. Girl, are you the sun? Because it pains my eyes just to look at you.
  15. LPT: Dont buy French bread You will get nothing but Pain

Back Pain Jokes

Here is a list of funny back pain jokes and even better back pain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"
    She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."
  • The baby Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…  
    Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault.
  • I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply? "At least it's all behind you."
  • I was having lower back pain from having to stand all day at work and my wife suggested I try orthopedic footwear. I told her it wouldn't help but she insisted.
    I stand corrected.
  • What does Captain Jack Sparrow do when he has back pain? Pilates of the Caribbean.
  • Why are wooden chairs good for back pain? They have lumber support!
    (I'm sorry for this my brother came up with it)
  • A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs. He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.
  • That neck pain changed my life. I never looked back from then.
  • I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain. I hope he's still able to treat me.
  • Where did the Egyptian go for back pain? The Cairopractor

Feel Pain Jokes

Here is a list of funny feel pain jokes and even better feel pain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years? In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
  • What’s the difference between an accordion and a concertina? The amount of pain you feel when someone throws it at you.
  • When an eel strikes your heel and severe pain you feel... ... That's a moray.
  • Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives. In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours.
    And in the other life I'm a doctor.
  • French people don't feel pain. They eat it.
  • What do you call a mole that doesn't feel pain? A Paracetamole
  • How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread? He felt pain.
  • When an Eel bites your heel, and pain is all you feel... Thats a "Moray"
  • A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye."
    The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"
  • What do the bright colors feel when they get hurt? they taste the PAIN-bow
Pain joke, What do the bright colors feel when they get hurt?

Neck Pain Jokes

Here is a list of funny neck pain jokes and even better neck pain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why don't vampires have any friends? They're a real pain in the neck.
  • What do you call a non-fiction vampire? A real pain in the neck.
  • I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf. He said it was a real pain in the neck.
  • Why did the Vampire's girlfriend break up with him? Because he was pain in the neck!
  • What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
  • Why is no one friends with Dracula? Cause hes a pain in the neck.
  • Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.
  • Vampires they're a serious pain in the neck.
  • Whiplash is so annoying It's a real pain in the neck.
  • Why didn't Daracula have many friends? Because he was a pain in the neck

Knee Pain Jokes

Here is a list of funny knee pain jokes and even better knee pain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you can an African-American that has growing pains in its leg? A knee-grow
  • I have some serious pain after spending way too much time on my knees while younger Doing construction work and laying flooring.
    Installing carpeting is almost as bad as s**... d**...
Pain joke, I have some serious pain after spending way too much time on my knees while younger

Comical & Quirky Pain Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about pain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pain pranks.

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

What is the painless frequency?

0 Hz

What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill?

One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.

A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

Golf lessons

A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks, "why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee"
"where?" he asks.
"between the first and second hole," she replies.
He nods knowingly and says, "apparently your stance is too wide."

Guy goes to the doctor...

Guy goes to the doctor because he has a pain in his foot.

The doctor asks 'Have you dropped anything on it lately?'

The guy says 'no.'

'Hmmmmmm.' Doctor asks 'Do you do a lot of running.'

Guy again says 'no.'

'OK.......' Doctor asks 'Do you m**...?'

The guy hesitates at first and then says 'Well, yeah...'

The doctor says 'Isn't it great?'

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

The painters

I just got my house painted, and they gave me a bill that said $0.
I asked them, "Why aren't you charging me for the paint?"
They said, "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Another blonde joke

A blonde tells her husband 'I've been thinking'
He replies 'Take two aspirin, the pain will clear right up'.

There are 3 men stranded in the wild...

and one day they see an abandoned house and go inside. When they go inside however, they realized that there's only one bed. The floor was filthy, so they had no choice but to sleep on the same bed. The next morning, the two men sleeping on each side of the bed awoke and started to notice an acute pain coming from their privates. The man in the middle however, told them he had an intense and wonderful dream about skiing.

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

A Painter and a Gallery Owner

painter: How are my paintings selling?
Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.
Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?
Gallery Owner: He was your doctor

A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."

Man goes to a doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I have pain all over my body, everywhere I touch hurt". He then proceeds to point to various parts of his body cringing in pain. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and concludes. "Sir, it appears you have a broken finger".

A Irishman, m**... goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
m**... : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...

It's called wedding cake

Visiting dad on his death bed...

[Visiting father on death bed] "Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. "
*Dad struggling to talk* "Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad."

A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

An aspiring writer once said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!

He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.

I painted my PC black to make it run faster

Now it doesn't work

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

When is paint free?

When it's on the house.

Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.

At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.
Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..
I should be ashamed.

Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

What does a painter do when he gets cold?

Puts on another coat.

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor...

He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.

A guy driving down the road hits a p**... with his car

He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.
She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"
"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?!?"

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.

She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek

While Einstein is counting down from 100, Pascal runs and hides. Newton stands in pain view, and carefully measures out a meter square, then stands in it.
When Einstein turns around, he exclaims "Newton you're supposed to hide so I can't find you" . Newton replies "you found a Newton over a square meter, you found a Pascal"

How do computers measure pain?

(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting.

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting from over the fence. He stops to listen and hears that they are saying "Five! Five! Five! Five!"
His curiosity peaked, he walks until he sees a hole in the fence. He puts his eye up to the hole to try to see what's going on, when he's poked in the eye by a broom handle! Angry and in pain, he starts to walk away and hears that the chanting is now, "Six! Six! Six! Six!"

So a scientist creates a robot

And he asks the robot, "can you feel pain"
The robot says, "yes however not like a normal human, I feel everything deeper and in slow motion."
"my god that's horrible that can't be true!"
"You're correct it isn't true, however we do have a dark sense of humor."

Did you hear about the guy who fell into a truck full of French bread?

He's in a lot of pain now.

Man offers a drink to a woman at a party.

Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
Man: Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
Woman: No, they spread.

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?


Two young boys are waiting for their
What operation are you having done?
Getting my tonsils out, what about you?
Oh that's bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn't walk for a year

Chuck Norris got bitten by a King Cobra

And after 5 agonizing days of pain.
The cobra died

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'its my kidneys'

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.
That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?
No I'm a blonde , she replies.
I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.

So I painted my laptop black.

I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.

My wife screamed in pain during labor...

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.
"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**

A doctor's appointment

A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.
"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."


Women will always say, the most excruciating pain in Life is Child Birth, I think different, I say the most excruciating pain in life is a kick in the b**..., after a couple of Years A Woman will say, shall we have another Baby, do Men look up and say can I have another kick in the b**...??..

My Wife and the worst pain.

My Wife said to me yesterday, I think the worst pain in the world is child birth, I said no, the worst pain in the world is a kick in the b**..., she said how do you work that out? I replied, well after a couple of years, you will say, can we have another Baby? I do not look up and say can I have another kick in the b**.....

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle...

Because it touches me so much

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**

I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....

...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Every time I drank coffee I got a sharp pain in my eye. I went to the doctor

He said take the spoon out if the cup!

I met a Jewish girl and she asked me for my number.

Had to explain to her that we use names here. It was a pain.

A blonde goes to a doctor

She says Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it! The Doctor says show me . The blonde proceeds to tap her face, elbow, thigh and knee, wincing in pain after each one. See, it's true! She says. The doctor pauses for a second, sighs and says
You have a broken finger

I'd like to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa.

Not in pain and screaming in t**..., like the passengers on the bus he was driving.

Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.

He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.
Which knee is hurting you, Walt?
The famous film producer points to his left knee.

A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....

It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."

My wife just yelled...

...from upstairs and asked "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sound concerned, I replied, "No..."
She responded, "How about now?"

Without women s**... would be

a pain in the a**...

At the doctors office

I went to the doctors office due to a strange abdominal pain. My doctor adviced me to stop m**.... "Is it dangerous?" I asked. "No", said the doctor " but it disturbs my concentration".

A mans wife was in labor when the doctor said...

You know, there is an experimental technology that can transfer your pain to the father, but he will feel the pain 10 times as much
The husband, seeing his wife in pain hurt him too much and said, Do it. I'm strong enough
The doctor then did it, and the man didn't feel a thing, which the doctor found odd.
Later, the couple came home, and found their mailman, on their driveway, dead.

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.
Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.
Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my knees too.
Doctor: \*Does that hammer thingy\* I see. I can conclude now.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: Your finger is broken.

Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It's a site for sore eyes.

Pain joke, Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

jokes about pain