Pain Jokes
168 pain jokes and hilarious pain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh through the aches and pains with these funny pain jokes! From back pain to knee pain, we've got jokes about it all. Find out what the doctor said that had everyone in stitches. Get ready for a pang of pain relief!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Pain Short Jokes
Short pain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pain humour may include short panic jokes also.
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
- My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
- Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
- Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
- My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
- I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...) - In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy. - I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday.... It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
- Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"
She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault." - Man offers a drink to a woman at a party. Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
Man: Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
Woman: No, they spread.
Share These Pain Jokes With Friends
Pain One Liners
Which pain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pain? I can suggest the ones about pulse and patient.
- At what frequency does laughter become painful 1 gigglehurts
- What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain? Darthritis
- I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery... Now I'm in a world of pain.
- I'm pained to have to say this... Ouch
- Why do masochists cook with gas? Because they're pro-pain enthusiasts.
- I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France. It was a painful experience.
- It was a real pain canceling my gym membership. They made me hand in a too weak notice.
- What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
- French bakers hate me... ...I feel their pain.
- Pain is so annoying. It really gets on my nerves.
- What is the motto of a french baker? no pain no gain
- What do you call a cow that can't feel pain? A c
- LPT: Dont buy French bread You will get nothing but Pain
- Got too much pain from watching Power Rangers Guess it's morphine time...
- How does a baguette fight end? With a lot of pain.
Back Pain Jokes
Here is a list of funny back pain jokes and even better back pain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply? "At least it's all behind you."
- I was having lower back pain from having to stand all day at work and my wife suggested I try orthopedic footwear. I told her it wouldn't help but she insisted.
I stand corrected. - What does Captain Jack Sparrow do when he has back pain? Pilates of the Caribbean.
- Why are wooden chairs good for back pain? They have lumber support!
(I'm sorry for this my brother came up with it) - A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs. He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.
- That neck pain changed my life. I never looked back from then.
- I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain. I hope he's still able to treat me.
- After my surgery the doctor told me I could expect to wake up in pain tomorrow... ah, back to normal that quickly? I asked
- I've had a weak back for a while now doc Doctor: when did you first start experiencing pain?
Me: about a week back. - What do you call a dinosaur who help others with back pains? A chiropraptor
Feel Pain Jokes
Here is a list of funny feel pain jokes and even better feel pain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What’s the difference between an accordion and a concertina? The amount of pain you feel when someone throws it at you.
- Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives. In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours.
And in the other life I'm a doctor. - French people don't feel pain. They eat it.
- What do you call a mole that doesn't feel pain? A Paracetamole
- How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread? He felt pain.
- When an Eel bites your heel, and pain is all you feel... Thats a "Moray"
- What do the bright colors feel when they get hurt? they taste the PAIN-bow
- People are always talking about cutting back on sugar. But I think sugar gives you super powers... After 20 years of eating sugar I no longer feel pain, in my legs anyways.
- What did the glass screen feel after a baseball crashed through it? Window Pains
- Fun fact when a person comes second in mario kart they can feel twice the pain of a woman giving birth
Neck Pain Jokes
Here is a list of funny neck pain jokes and even better neck pain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why don't vampires have any friends? They're a real pain in the neck.
- What do you call a non-fiction vampire? A real pain in the neck.
- I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf. He said it was a real pain in the neck.
- Why did the Vampire's girlfriend break up with him? Because he was pain in the neck!
- What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
- Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.
- Vampires they're a serious pain in the neck.
- Whiplash is so annoying It's a real pain in the neck.
- Why don't vampires have any friends Because they are a pain in the neck
- I told my wife I woke with a pain in my neck. She said 'So did I!'
Comical & Quirky Pain Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about pain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean coma jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pain pranks.
A woman goes into labor with her child.
The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault
After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."
I responded, "How about now?"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
What is the painless frequency?
0 Hz
What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill?
One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy goes to the doctor...
Guy goes to the doctor because he has a pain in his foot.
The doctor asks 'Have you dropped anything on it lately?'
The guy says 'no.'
'Hmmmmmm.' Doctor asks 'Do you do a lot of running.'
Guy again says 'no.'
'OK.......' Doctor asks 'Do you m**...?'
The guy hesitates at first and then says 'Well, yeah...'
The doctor says 'Isn't it great?'
So the painters finish painting my home...
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Another blonde joke
A blonde tells her husband 'I've been thinking'
He replies 'Take two aspirin, the pain will clear right up'.
There are 3 men stranded in the wild...
and one day they see an abandoned house and go inside. When they go inside however, they realized that there's only one bed. The floor was filthy, so they had no choice but to sleep on the same bed. The next morning, the two men sleeping on each side of the bed awoke and started to notice an acute pain coming from their privates. The man in the middle however, told them he had an intense and wonderful dream about skiing.
Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...
It's called wedding cake
Visiting dad on his death bed...
[Visiting father on death bed] "Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. "
*Dad struggling to talk* "Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad."
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
When is paint free?
When it's on the house.
Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.
At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.
Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..
I should be ashamed.
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
Puts on another coat.
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.
Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.
I painted my iPhone black so it would run faster.
Now I need to jailbreak it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy driving down the road hits a p**... with his car
He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.
She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"
"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The baby
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…
Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault.
A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.
She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
How do computers measure pain?
Gigahurts.
(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)
I painted my computer black last night
Now it runs much faster
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
So a scientist creates a robot
And he asks the robot, "can you feel pain"
The robot says, "yes however not like a normal human, I feel everything deeper and in slow motion."
"my god that's horrible that can't be true!"
"You're correct it isn't true, however we do have a dark sense of humor."
Do you ever get a shooting pain through your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it?
No?
How about now?
Now?
Did you hear about the guy who fell into a truck full of French bread?
He's in a lot of pain now.
Why did the painting go to jail?
Because it was framed!
During a custody battle...
A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?
Pain.
Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…
What operation are you having done?
Getting my tonsils out, what about you?
Circumcision
Oh that's bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn't walk for a year
Chuck Norris got bitten by a King Cobra
And after 5 agonizing days of pain.
The cobra died
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To ease the pain of a mother Crying at her Husbands f**... I said "At least he died doing what he Loves"
Too bad he was a Drug Addict
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was in the emergency room
and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.
A black person is walking down the road...
When all of a sudden he peels over with a massive throbbing pain in his heart. He grabs his chest and screams in pain. A man sees this and runs to his aid.
"Sir, listen to me, you are going into cardiac arrest." the helpful citizen says.
"But I didn't even do nothing!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years?
In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
It pains me to say it but...
...I think I might have laryngitis.
Body Pain
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.
That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?
No I'm a blonde , she replies.
I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.
So I painted my laptop black.
I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.
My wife screamed in pain during labor...
"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.
"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"
A doctor's appointment
A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.
"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."
If I own a bakery in France...
am I the master of pain?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women.
Women will always say, the most excruciating pain in Life is Child Birth, I think different, I say the most excruciating pain in life is a kick in the b**..., after a couple of Years A Woman will say, shall we have another Baby, do Men look up and say can I have another kick in the b**...??..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Wife and the worst pain.
My Wife said to me yesterday, I think the worst pain in the world is child birth, I said no, the worst pain in the world is a kick in the b**..., she said how do you work that out? I replied, well after a couple of years, you will say, can we have another Baby? I do not look up and say can I have another kick in the b**.....
Painfully bad joke my younger brother told me.
What do you call an expert on marine life? An aFISHionado.
Neymar was found at a Celine Dion concert, screaming from pain and rolling around.
He was touched by the music.
Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle...
Because it touches me so much
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody
The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**
I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....
...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?
He was in a lot of pain
I just met the guy in all those pain reliever commercials on TV
It turns out that he's an aspirin actor.
Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.
He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.
Which knee is hurting you, Walt?
The famous film producer points to his left knee.
Disney.
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Without women s**... would be
a pain in the a**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the doctors office
I went to the doctors office due to a strange abdominal pain. My doctor adviced me to stop m**.... "Is it dangerous?" I asked. "No", said the doctor " but it disturbs my concentration".
Doctor, it hurts...
Says the patient with so much pain.
Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.
Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my knees too.
Doctor: \*Does that hammer thingy\* I see. I can conclude now.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: Your finger is broken.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the doctor diagnose?
A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit s**....
The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"
The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"
After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know what's a REAL pain in the b**...?
An uncomfortable chair.
Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It's a site for sore eyes.
Scientists have determined that 39% of couples, suffer pain after eating this one food.
Wedding Cake.
Put-the-fork-down and walk away...
What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?
You've been framed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a baguette up your b**...?
A pain in the a**...
When I was younger I couldn't afford a house.
But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can't. But my boss has five.
