pai Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pai puns

Ajit Pai.

That's it. That's the whole fucking joke.

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What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

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Many surnames can tell you what a person is

* Smith is a blacksmith
* Draper is a cloth merchant
* Archer is a bowman
* Pai is a cunt.

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

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I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.

She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes."

"Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat."

"How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow."

My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these -

"Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."

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Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.

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So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

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What's the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One's a shit pie and the other's Ajit Pai.

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I don't understand all the hate for Ajit Pai. He's just doing his job.

If he didn't, Verizon would probably fire him.

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I painted my computer black...

thinking it would run faster



but it just stopped working

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An asshole, a money hoarder, and a bag of shit walk into a bar

the bartender says "what would you like today Mr. Pai?"

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I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work.

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Ajit Pai, EA's CEO, and Apple's tax lawyer are sitting around in hell

No joke here, just predicting the future.

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I painted my PC black to make it run faster

Now it doesn't work

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Pain.

Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…



What operation are you having done?

Getting my tonsils out, what about you?

Circumcision

Oh that's bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn't walk for a year

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The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.

The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her that the brewery will support her financially.

Of course, the widow is still devastated by her loss, and under tears she asks the director: "Please tell me, did my husband suffer?", to which the director replies "I don't think so, because he climbed out of the tank twice to take a piss!".

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I got a new pair of gloves today but they're both 'lefts'

Which, on the one hand, is great

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A Painter and a Gallery Owner

Painter: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?

Gallery Owner: He was your doctor

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When is paint free?

When it's on the house.

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster...

but a cop shot it.

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A pair of Scottish nuns were riding in a cab in Edinburgh, and one turned to the other saying, "I've never come this way before." The other nun smiled and said...

"Aye, it's the cobblestones."

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

but now it doesn't work.

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I just got my new pair of orthopenic shoes.

"Actually, it's *orthopedic*", my doctor said.

"I stand corrected", I replied.

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Who paid with a nickel?

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.
.
"Everyone."

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I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything"

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So I painted my laptop black.

I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.

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What is the painless frequency?

0 Hz

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How are a pair of skinny jeans like a cheap motel?

No ballroom

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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both left handed...

On one hand it's great, but on the other it's just not right.

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Why should you paint a canoe black? NSFW

So that it never tips

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The painters

I just got my house painted, and they gave me a bill that said $0.
I asked them, "Why aren't you charging me for the paint?"
They said, "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."

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I painted my computer black

so that it would run faster, but now it doesn't work.

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I never paid for my exorcism

I hope I don't get repossessed.

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Someone needs to accuse Ajit Pai of sexual harassment

I mean, he's fucking the entire country up the ass

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work

I painted it white and now the system is corrupt.

Painted it yellow and all the drivers crashed

Painted a vagina on it and now all it does is whine.

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Painter

Robert's son is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom.Β 

His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up.Β 

She called his father on the phone to complain about the kid and explain what happened.

The father from his hospital bed responds..."You got lucky Madam. At home that idiot drew a vagina on the power outlet.

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I painted my computer black...

in hopes it would run faster

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I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.

When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, Can you spare me something to eat? I haven't eaten in several days and I'm not picky.

The farmer says, I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?

"Oh, yes sir," the man says. An hour later the newly minted painter returns. The farmer is impressed. That was fast! Come on in and sit down, and I'll bring you a nice bowl of soup and some fresh bread.

The painter says, Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it the opportunity to earn this food. But there's something I need to say. Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you something important; you need to hear this. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.

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I painted my computer black in hopes that it would run faster.

Now it wont work.

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What does a painter do when he gets cold?

Puts on another coat.

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I painted my PC black

So it can run faster.

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Why does the FCC Chairman have the last name "Pai"?

Because he is irrational...

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What's the difference between Ajit Pai and a Rapist?

Nothing. They both fuck you harder the more you say No!

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I paid $600 to get off once

Damn court costs.

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I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums.

He was a professional tuna.

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Why did I paint my computer black?

Because I thought that it would run faster.

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What is the most painful way to be measured

In megahertz

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Why Do You Get Paid More At The Sperm Bank Than At The Blood Bank?

Sperm Is Handmade.

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I painted my computer black thinking it would run faster...

Now it doesn't work

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What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

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Paid a visit to 'www.conjunctivitis.com' earlier...

Believe me, it's a site for sore eyes.

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How much do you get paid?

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?

The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.

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I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....

...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.

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The Pain Machine

A man and his wife are on their way to the hospital because the wife is soon to go into labor. When they arrive, the doctor asks them if they'd be willing to try out an experimental treatment option to alleviate the pain felt by the wife during childbirth. They decide to try it out, and the doctor hooks up a lot of electrodes between the wife and husband.

"This device will take a certain percentage of the pain that you are feeling and transfer it to the father of the child. If he is comfortable with it, you can transfer more and more of the pain, and you won't feel a thing."

She goes into labor, and the doctor starts the machine off at 10%. The husband feels fine, so he tells the doctor he can increase it if he wants to. The doctor increases to 20%, and the husband shows no signs of change. The doctor goes all the way to 35% and the husband starts to get cocky when he still feels fine.

"Know what, doc? Up it to 100%. I think I can take it."

The doctor cranks the machine to 100%, and the husband shows no outward signs of pain. "Ha, honey I knew you women complained too much about this stuff. I don't feel a thing!"

The child is born healthy, and the parents leave the hospital a few days later. They pull up at their house to see police cars in front and their neighbors crowded around. Their next-door neighbor Joe comes up to them in the car, hysterical.

"Karl! Karl! They just found the milkman dead on your front porch!"

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Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?

The sperm is handmade.

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What'd the difference between Net Neutrality and Ajit Pai?

Net Neutrality would be missed if it died.

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I painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it doesn't work.

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I didn't know you could get paid for donating sperm.

When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers...

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Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle...

Because it touches me so much

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A pair of twins in a nursery home are both turning 100

One twin has bad hearing and the other can hear fine. A news reporter comes to take a picture of them for the newspaper. The reporter says

"I need you guys to sit on the sofa"

"What'd he say?" Said the woman with bad hearing

"He said to sit on the sofa" said the twin with good hearing. They both went over and sat on the sofa.

"Scoot closer together" said the reporter

"What'd he say?"

"He said to scoot closer together" said the twin with good hearing.

"Sit tight while I focus" said the reporter

"What'd he say?"

"He said he's going to focus" said the twin with good hearing.

"Oh! Both of us at the same time?"

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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

The bar tender looks at him for a few seconds and finally says " alright, you can stay..just don't start anything"

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What do you call a pie that's full of horseshit?

Ajit Pai

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A pair of twins have a deal...

They constantly get in trouble with the law for various reasons and are frequently thrown in jail. They don't like staying in jail for too long, so they made a deal: if only one of the twins is arrested and imprisoned, the other twin will sneak in and swap places with them when they have spent half the time served in prison.

It's great to see these twins are so close that they're always finish each other's sentences.

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A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."

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I'm going to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for Secret Santa.

If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

(heard at work)

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I was going to paint my computer black thinking it would run faster...

...but it didn't work.

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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar...

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. Immediately, the bartender walks up and says: "Hey! You guys can hang out here...just don't try and start anything."

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster...

Now it doesn't work.

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What's the difference between a cake and a corrupt politician?

One is a shit pie and one is ajit pai.

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What does a man who just raped 300 million people say after?

We are helping consumers and promoting competition, Mr. Pai said. Broadband providers will have more incentive to build networks, especially to underserved areas.

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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "you're welcome to drink here, but you better not start anything."

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A pair of drunks walk to the priest's house late one night...

they knock on the door, and out comes the priest.
"what do you need my sons?" asked the priest.
The more sober one asks. Father, are there nuns that are this big? -signals just over his head-
"yeah there are some tall ones" replies the priest.
"are there nuns that are this big?" -signals to shoulder-
"yeah that's about a normal height for one" says the priest.
"ok ok, one more. are there nuns that are this big?!" -signals to just below the knees-
"no, son. i've never seen one that big." replies the priest with a puzzled face.
the drunk says to the other "See, dude?! I told you we fucked a penguin!"

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I just paid $25 for a hot 20 year old chick to rub her boobs all over me

I love having my hair cut.

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Paid a homeless guy $1 for this: What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(They will always say "arrrrrrhh.")

Nope, P, it's like arrrrrrhh without a leg.

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Why did the painting go to jail?

Because it was framed!

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Got too much pain from watching Power Rangers

Guess it's morphine time...

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I painted my iPhone black so it would run faster.

Now I need to jailbreak it.

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I painted my computer black

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

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What do you get when you mix in a piece of shit to your favorite pie?

Ajit Pai

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A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...

All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.

They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just before we start, some c**t put a swimming cap on me"

*Edit, spelling mistake

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Painting a Church: My favourite joke

Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.

One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.

Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as he stands on his scaffolding to finish off the steeple, he smiles to himself: the paint job looks pretty good, he's scammed the church out of a few hundred bucks, and he'll be done before dinner.

Suddenly, thunder ensues, a huge bolt of lightning knocks Bill right off his scaffolding, and the skies open up - and all of Bill's newly-applied paint washes right off the church.

Bill, a religious man despite his thievery, knows it's a sign from God. He falls to his knees in a puddle of rainwater and paint, and cries, "Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"

And amongst the thunder, a booming voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

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Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt?

... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.

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I got this new pain relief ointment.

The directions said to apply liberally so I started bitching about Trump while rubbing it on my pussy.

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I paid a Mexican to finish my Spanish essay.

He found me the next day and said that the problem was taken care of. "So, can I see my essay?" I asked. The Mexican took me to the hospital. My friend, Ricardo, was dead.

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I painted my computee black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

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Painfully bad joke my younger brother told me.

What do you call an expert on marine life? An aFISHionado.

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A brunette's pain

A distressed brunette tells her doctor that no matter where she touches her body, she feels horrible pain. The doctor asks her to demonstrate. She proceeds to touch her chin, which results in a whimper. She touches her breast, and she starts to cry. She touches her leg and she lets out a scream.

"Stop," he says, " I believe I know what ails you. But first I must ask, are you naturally a blonde?"

"Why yes I am," she says, "how did you know?"

"You have a broken finger"

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Microtransactions are getting out of hand.

Even the internet is Pai to win!

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Why did the painting go to jail?

It was framed.

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It pains me to say it but...

...I think I might have laryngitis.

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Painful

A group of guys and girls are sitting together at a ball game. During the game one of the guys notices that one girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and he's really impressed. After the game he asks her, "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

The girl says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guy is amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"

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Say what you will about Ajit Pai, but he helped me with one thing...

Understanding the phrase "lying through your teeth".

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How do painters stay warm?

They add another coat.

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I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

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To play devil's advocate on this whole Net Neutrality thing...

He's sure looking forward to meeting Ajit Pai

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I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

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What's the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler loved his country.

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I painted my PC black thinking it would run faster...

... but now it doesn't work.

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Would would win in a death match between Donald Trump, Ajit Pai, and Mitch McConnell?

America

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I painted my computer black to make it run faster...

but it just stopped working

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How do you keep paint warm?

Put on a second coat

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Paint it green

A young man shows up for a job at a large house and knocks on the front door. The owner opens the door and gives the young man a gallon of green paint and a brush and tells him to go out back and paint the "porch green." After a few hours the young man comes back and knocks on the front door. The owner opens the door and the young man says, "Sir, I'm done paintin', but that aint no porch you got out back, it's a Ferrari."

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Most painful experiences

Three men are in the wilderness around a campfire sharing their most painful experiences.
The first man says "I fell off of a 12 foot ladder, broke both my legs, and was hospitalized for 8 weeks"
The second man says "I was crossing the street and a car ran me over, but I got caught on it and was dragged face down for 5 miles."
The third man says "my second most painful experience was when I was hunting and needed to take a crap in the woods. So I went behind a bush and crouched down and WHAM! A bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
Both the first and the second man say "well then what was the most painful?"
The third man calmly replies "oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain"

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I painted my scanner black so it would run faster.

Now it can't read.

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I was painting the house with my kids yesterday.

It was fun and all, but I wasn't sure where to hide the bodies.

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Why can't Ajit Pai be buried at sea?

There are laws against dumping human garbage in an ocean

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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar

The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

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so I painted my computer black the other day...

I thought it would run faster. Turns out it stopped working.

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How many babies' does it take to paint a house?

...depends on how hard you throw them.

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I have a pair of shoes which are almost exactly like anal sex

Painful at first but then pleasantly comfortable once you get into it

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Don't hate Ajit Pai...

... he just wants to give us a sense of pride and accomplishment with our internet bill

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I paid a homeless man 2$ to give me a circumcision

Not a pleasant experience... it was a rip-off

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I used to own a pair of racehorses, named one-one & two-two. One-one won one race

22112

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"Of course I can paint your ceiling," Michaelangelo scoffed.

"Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out on it though."

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The Paint Job

A man finds job as a road painter and the first week he paints 15km (9.3 miles) of the road his boss congratulates him for being the best employee. The next week he suddenly changes to 10 km (6.2 miles) his boss doesn't say anything but is a bit worried. The third week he only paints 5km (3.1) so his boss says "alright i've had enough of your incompetence either you explain why you're painting less every week or you can go find another job." The painter then replies "I don't know b0ss but the can of paint is always further away each time I paint the road and I have to walk back to the can".

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A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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The pains of marrying a physicist (NSFW)

One night a physicist and his wife were in the throes of passion. In the heat of the moment the physicist moans to his wife, "Am I big enough for you?"

"You're massive," she barely manages to choke out between thrusts.

The physicist looks disgruntledly at his wife and says, "Well no shit, Sherlocke!"

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Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?

Because parrots-eat-em-all!

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Pair of Twins

I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?".
I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..."
"..and Derek has a moustache"

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Why was the paint on the wall so cold?

It needed more coats!!

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So a pair of cannibals are sitting down to a nice meal...

...of Jerry Seinfeld.

A while into the meal, one of the cannibals says,

"I'm going for the forehead, do you want any?" as he cuts a slice from the front of Jerry's scalp. The other cannibal declines, shaking his head and saying,

"What's the deal with hairline food?"

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pair of your underwear

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man.


Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said.


The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

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Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?

You can get thinner there

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What do Paint Samples and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both come in little white cans...

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Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf?....

....In case you get a hole in one!

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What do you get when you cross a waste of a human and human waste?

Ashit Pai

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paid a compliment

By a coworker, "every time I talk to you, I leave a smarter man."
I asked where he left him.

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

But it was shot before it could start running.

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What is the most painful Russian dance?

Tchaikovsky's *The Nutcracker*.

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Ajit Pai sounds like..

Khajit, he only wants coin

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What does a painter do when he gets cold?

Puts on another coat

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This is the worst movie I've ever watched

Life of Pai

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What do you call a corrupt politician?

Ajit V. Pai

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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar...

The bartender looks right at him and says, " Hey! Don't you go starting anything!"

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Q: Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?

A: You can get thinner there.

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What do you get when you combine Battlefront II with the internet of 2018?

Pai to play

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I just paid Β£600 for a voyeurs club

They saw me coming

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What happens when you paint your laptop black?

It runs faster

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Paid to worry

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."

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Why did the paint job in the Autobots home base look so nice?

Because Optimus Primed!

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What happens when a painter can't finish a joke?

Sketch Comedy

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Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.

"Where's your appendix page?"

"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

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I got a pair of jeans for a buck

Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.

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What's better than a pair of Emerency Medical Technicians?

A paramedic(s)!

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There were a pair of twin skunks...

One was named in, the other was named out. When out was out, in was in and when in was in out was out. One day, out was in and in was out so mama told out to go out and bring in in, so out went out and brought in in, and mama asked "how did you find in so quickly?"
He replied, "In-stinked!"

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What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

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I painted my computer black thinking it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

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It was a pain to clean up after carrying out my fetish for the first time.

But its definitely a load off my chest.

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What are the best Pai puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pai? Well, here are the best jokes about Pai to have fun with.

Joko Jokes