Paddy The Irishman Jokes
51 paddy the irishman jokes and hilarious paddy the irishman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paddy the irishman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Paddy The Irishman Short Jokes
Short paddy the irishman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paddy the irishman humour may include short paddy irishman jokes also.
- A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll He was accused of knick-knack p**... whack
- Irish Man Murdered Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome? It was a Knick knack p**... whack.
- 'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman' 'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack p**... Whacked.'
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Paddy The Irishman One Liners
Which paddy the irishman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paddy the irishman? I can suggest the ones about paddy irish and paddy englishman.
- What do you call an Irishman passed out on your deck? p**... O'Furniture
- What do you call a drunk Irishman sleeping on your porch? p**... O' Furniture.
- What do you call an Irishman standing in a field in China? A rice p**...!
- What do you call a wooden Irishman who spends most of his time outside? p**... O'Furniture
- What does p**... Irishman says when he meets a one legged jockey? How're you gettin' on?
- What do you call an Irishman sitting outside? p**... O'Furniture.
- What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? p**... O'Furniture
- What do you call an Asian Irishman? A rice p**....
- What does an Irishman put on his porch? p**... O'Furniture
- What do you call a half Chinese half Irishman? A Rice p**....
- What do call an Irishman sitting by the pool? p**... O'Furniture.
- What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe? p**... Hor D'oeuvre
Uproarious Paddy The Irishman Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about paddy the irishman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean paddy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paddy the irishman pranks.
p**... Englishman, p**... Scotchman and p**... Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. p**... Englishman goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. p**... Scotsman goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. p**... Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH SH*T!"
Irishman looking for a parking place
p**... was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
p**... looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
p**... Quits Drinking
An irishman walks in to a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The barman says: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn't it be better to buy one at a time?'
And the Irishman replies: 'Well you see, I have 2 brothers. One lives in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we left home we promised that we'd drink this way, to remember the good old days when we could drink together.'
The barman is quite touched.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the pub, always drinking the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. But one day, he comes in looking a bit sad and orders just two pints. The regulars notice and fall silent, When he comes back to the bar for another round, the barman says:
'Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I know we all want to offer condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment then he laughs. 'Oh no,'he says, éveryone's fine. I've decided to quit drinking."
p**... the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...
... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."
The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, p**..., your fish looks fine."
p**... then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
And so Christmas Season Begins
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...
...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.
The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of this vegemite."
The American man next to him, with a horrified look on his face, pulls out a hotdog. He says, "I agree. If I get another hotdog tomorrow, I will jump off this building with you. I've had enough."
The Irishman pulls out an Irish stew. "Ugh, Irish stew again. Yep, if I get this tomorrow, I'll jump with the two of you."
So the next day they're all sitting in the same spot, and they all pull out the same lunches as before. Grimacing, they jump off the building and plunge to their deaths. They end up having a joint f**..., because they were good friends.
At the f**..., all three wives are sitting next to eachother, discussing their husbands.
The Australian woman says to the other two, "I'm so upset. If only he had've TOLD me he didn't like vegemite, I would've given my husband something else."
The American woman says, "I agree, I just wish my husband had've spoken to me about it, then he would still be here."
They both turn to the Irish woman, who then says, "Don't look at me, p**... makes his own lunch,"
An Englishman & an Irishman
are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.
"I'm English..." Said the Englishman.
The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."
The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..."
"p**......" Replies the Irishman.
"Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest.
The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,
"Sagittarius..."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a p**... go to Saudi Arabia
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a p**... go to Saudi Arabia. They decide to start drinking and somehow get caught. the go to see the Sultan for their punishment. The Sultan says "You're lucky today. I'm feeling nice today and I will only give you 50 lashes and you can choose to put anything on your back."
The Englishman chooses a pillow and the pillow takes 6 lashes and he gets the rest on the back.
The Scotsman goes next. he chooses a barrel top. The barrel top takes 25 and he takes the rest to the back.
The p**... goes last and being an honest man, says "You know, Sultan, the drinking was my idea."
the sultan is surprised by his honesty but says "I appreciate your honesty but since you started it, you shall get 250 lashes"
the Irishman had the Englishman strapped to his back.
p**... Englishman and p**... Irishman
p**... Englishman and p**... Irishman are walking along the beach together, when they come upon a lamp in the sand. Being familiar with such clichés, they picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie appeared before them.
"For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you both one wish each."
p**... Englishman goes first, and thinks silently for a moment:
"Well, genie, I love my country, and I'm sick of it being ruined by lazy immigrants who do nothing but live off of state benefits and handouts. I wish all the immigrants were gone from my country, and that it was just us English that lived there. Furthermore, I want a giant wall built around the coast and borders of England so nobody else can get in."
"Done" says the genie, and **p**...** p**... Englishman is back in England with the rest of his compatriots
"Genie," says p**... Irishman, "tell me more of this giant wall surrounding England"
"Well, it's over a mile high and half a mile thick. Nothing can get in or out." the genie replied
p**... Irishman thought for a moment, then looked to the genie and said:
"Fill it with water."
The Three Paddies Meet a Wizard
p**... Englishman, p**... Scotsman and p**... Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old s**... wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"
Without wasting a second, p**... Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."
The s**... wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"
p**... Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."
The s**... wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"
The s**... wizard turns to p**... Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"
"I'll save my tenner," says p**... Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"
An Englishman is visiting Ireland for the first time...
His first stop is Cork where he decides he wants to kiss the famous Blarney Stone. Unfortunately for him he hasn't a clue where the stone is, so he walks into a pub to ask for directions.
He walks into the pub and yells, "Alright Paddies, I'm visiting from London and I'm looking for someone to take me to kiss this famous Blarney's Stone I've heard so much about."
There's a small stir in the bar as every Irishman scowls at him, until one man stands up. The huge, red-bearded man walks over to the Englishman, towering over him by a full foot.
He says, "Aye, I'll take ye to the Blarney Stone, but there's something you missed."
"And what might that be?" the Englishman replies.
"Ye see, there's two Blarney stones." the Irishman tells him.
The Englishman, slightly peeved at this insight, sighs to him, "Well I don't care, I just want to kiss one."
"Well alright," the Irishman replies as he drops his pants, "I'm Blarney. Kiss one."
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
p**... Englishman, p**... Irishman and p**... Scottish man were at the playground when a leprechaun appeared....
"Lads" says the Leprechaun, pointing to his right: "this is a wishing slide, when you slide down it, just make a wish, and whatever it is ya wish for, you'll land in it!".
"Ok, i'll give it a go" says p**... Englishman.
He begins to climb the ladder.
"Nice and loud now" reminds the Leprechaun.
"GOLD!" Shouts p**... Englishman man as he begins to slide down, and sure enough, he lands in a pile of gold coins.
"I'm next" says p**... Scottishman running up the ladder....
"MONEY" he shouts, and just like before, he lands in a big pile of cash.
"Now it's my turn" says p**... Irishman, who , in all his excitement, forgot he was supposed to wish for something....
"WEEEEEE!" he says all the way down,
So he lands in it!
p**... the Irishman arrives at the Gates of Heaven...
...and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to p**... "You may enter, p**..., but first you must answer one question."
He then asks p**... "What is the the name of thy Lord?"
p**... replies "Harold."
"Harold?" asks St. Peter, "How did you arrive at that?"
"Oh, it's in the Lords Prayer... Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name".
p**... the irishman gets a job
p**... and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday.
p**... says "2"
"2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day"
"yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out of the ground"
The Speech Therapist
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate s**... with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no good, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow."
"That's no better either, Seathan."
"Now, how about you, p**...?"
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out; "London".
"Brilliant, p**...!" said the therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 10 minutes of s**... s**..., p**... said,
"d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."
p**... the Englishman, p**... the Irishman and p**... the Scotsman are arguing in a pub
p**... the Englishman, p**... the Irishman and p**... the Scotsman are arguing in a pub over who comes from the most respectable family.
p**... the Englishman starts 'My uncle is a Bishop and when he walks down the street people address him as Your Grace'.
p**... the Scotsman replies 'That's nothing, my uncle is a Cardinal and when he walks down the street people bow and address him as Your Eminence'
Finally p**... the Irishman pipes up 'That's noting, my uncle weighs 32 stone and when he walks down the street people stare and exclaim JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY'
A drunk Irishman stumbles into a pub and sits at the bar and orders a drink...
...The bartender takes a look at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve drunks here, you have to leave."
The drunken Irishman grumbles, gets up and leaves through the side-door. A couple minutes later he stumbles through the front door again and saddles up at the bar.
The bartender looks at him oddly and then says, "we don't serve drunks here, now get out!!"
The Irishman slides off his stole and staggers back outside through the side door again.
Several minutes later, the same drunk Irishman comes staggering back in through the front door again and sits down at the bar.
The bartender, now irritated angrily says: "Look, I've already told you twice already, we DO NOT serve drunks here, now get out!!!"
The drunken Irishman looks up at him confused, and says. "How many bars do you work at?!!"
Happy St. p**...'s everyone.
Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman...
Join the crusades and have been caught in the Bazaars of Constantinople by the Saracen Army. Dodging in between the shops they spy an alleyway and dash down it. Seeing its a dead end they look for a place to hide. They notice three large wicker baskets they all jump in one and with baited breath wait for the soldiers to walk by.
The commander of the Saracen patrol isnt s**... and checks the alleyway spotting the three baskets and with his Scimitar pokes the first basket. The Englishman, expecting this says "woof! woof!" The Saracen, content walks up and pokes the next basket, "Meow! Meow!" says the Scotsman. The Commander moves onto the third basket, Paddys basket, gives it a poke... "Potato's"
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
A man was killed by an assassin
An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack p**... whack, give a dog a bone.
An Irishman Came Home from the Pub on St. p**...'s Day...
and walked into his house and laid a 30 lb. turkey on the table. His wife looks wide-eyed and asked, "Liam, where'd ya get the tarkey?"
"Well Mary, all the fella's at the pub had a little contest for St. p**...'s Day. The fella with the biggest member won the tarkey."
Mary turned ghostly white and stammered, "Lord Jaysus, Liam, ya didn't pull that thing out in front of the whole pub, did ya?"
"Just enough to win, Mary, just enough to win..."
An Irishman goes for a labouring job on a building site
The foreman thinks to himself "I'll catch this thick p**... out" and asks the Irishman "what's the difference between a joist and a girder?"
The Irishman thinks for a second and replies "well, you see sir, Joyce wrote Ulysses while Goethe wrote Faust".
\>note, this works best as an o**... joke as u may have gathered.
