Paddy Jokes
134 paddy jokes and hilarious paddy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paddy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover some of the best Irish Paddy jokes! From the amusing story about the two Gardaí, Bernadette and Sheamus, to the punchline that will have you rolling with laughter, find out why Paddy jokes have been making people smile for generations.
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Funniest Paddy Short Jokes
Short paddy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paddy humour may include short rice paddies jokes also.
- What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? p**... O'Furniture!
(Happy St. Patrick's Day) - m**... and p**... are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. m**... says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
p**... says, "What's his name?"
m**... replies, "Miles, from London." - What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather? p**... O'Furniture.
- Totally sick of idiots letting firework off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!! Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
- 3 paddys are out for dinner English p**... tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"
Scottish p**... asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"
Irish p**... says "pass me the milk
Cow." - p**... goes for a job, boss man says it is £10.00 per hour rising to £15.00 per hour after 6 months, when can you start? p**... says. In 6 months.
- Once a man in the mafia, was tasked with killing another man. He ended up killing him with a porcelain doll in a rice p**....
It was the first known case of a knick knack p**... whack. - Irish swingers Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing s**..., p**... says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on". - p**... and Murphy find a mirror p**... and Murphy find a mirror. p**... picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy " that bloke looks really familiar ". Murphy grabs it off him " Its me you idiot "
- A p**... comes upon his neighbour carrying a sheep under each arm. - You gonna shear'em?
- No, they're both for me.
Share These Paddy Jokes With Friends
Paddy One Liners
Which paddy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paddy? I can suggest the ones about patty and pong.
- For St Paddys day Say "Irish wristwatch" 3 times fast
- What's Irish and stays outside all year long? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and stays out all summer? p**... O'furniture.
- What's green and sits on the porch? p**... O'Furniture.
Happy St. Patrick's Day! - What's Irish and stays out on your deck? p**... O'furniture
- What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent? Rice p**....
- - What's Irish and sits by the pool? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and sits in your garden? p**... O' Furniture
- What's Irish and comes out in summer? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and lives on your back porch? p**... O'Furniture.
- In the spirit of St. p**...'s...What's Irish and stays out all night? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and sits on your lawn? p**... o' furniture
- What do you call an Irishman passed out on your deck? p**... O'Furniture
- What do you call a drunk Irishman sleeping on your porch? p**... O' Furniture.
- What's Irish and sits in your backyard? p**... O'Furniture
Paddy Irish Jokes
Here is a list of funny paddy irish jokes and even better paddy irish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs? His name is p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and lives in the garden? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a Florida hurricane p**... O' Furniture
- Irish Man Murdered Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome? It was a Knick knack p**... whack.
- I have an Irish uncle that stays outside all the time. We call him p**... O' Furniture.
Happy St p**...'s! - Two Irish men are in a plane when the roof comes off! Donal says to p**..., "If this plane turns upside down will we fall out?"
"No way Donal" says p**..., smiling, "we'll still be best friends." - What do you call an Irish man who won't leave your porch? p**... O' furniture
- What's Irish and sits in the sun? p**... O'Furniture
- Happy p**...'s Day lads and lasses Irish chat up line:
Have ya got any Irish in ya?
I don't.
Well would ya like some? - Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing s**..., p**... says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
Paddy Irishman Jokes
Here is a list of funny paddy irishman jokes and even better paddy irishman puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll He was accused of knick-knack p**... whack
- What do you call an Irishman standing in a field in China? A rice p**...!
- What do you call a wooden Irishman who spends most of his time outside? p**... O'Furniture
- 'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman' 'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack p**... Whacked.'
- What does p**... Irishman says when he meets a one legged jockey? How're you gettin' on?
- What do you call an Irishman sitting outside? p**... O'Furniture.
- What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? p**... O'Furniture
- What do you call an Asian Irishman? A rice p**....
- What does an Irishman put on his porch? p**... O'Furniture
- What do you call a half Chinese half Irishman? A Rice p**....
Paddy The Irishman Jokes
Here is a list of funny paddy the irishman jokes and even better paddy the irishman puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do call an Irishman sitting by the pool? p**... O'Furniture.
- What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe? p**... Hor D'oeuvre
Paddy And Mick Jokes
Here is a list of funny paddy and mick jokes and even better paddy and mick puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two Irish couples decide to swap partners to spice up their s**... lives. Afterwards p**... says to m**... "That was incredible, I wonder how the girls got on!"
- p**... and m**... are on a rollercoaster Getting strapped in, p**... turns to m**....
"When we go upside down, will we fall out?"
"I hope not p**..., we've been pals for years." - p**... "Would you like to buy my dog?" m**... : "What kind is it?" p**...: "It's a Dalmatian." m**... : "Is it clean?" p**...: "Spotless."
- There's two mates on a plane, p**... and m**...... p**... says to m**... "Here, if the plane turns upside down, would we fall out?"
m**... says "Naw p**..., we'll always be best pals." - Farmer p**...: "My cow fell down a hole, and I had to shoot her!" Farmer m**...: "Bejeesuss! Did you shoot her in the hole?"
Farmer p**...: "No. I shot her in the head."
Share Hilarious Paddy Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about paddy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean paddle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paddy pranks.
Irishman looking for a parking place
p**... was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
p**... looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
p**... the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...
... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."
The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, p**..., your fish looks fine."
p**... then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"
p**... finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it........
He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
p**... says "No I tink it's beef"
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
A hitman was caught by the police one day.
After a long interrogation he confessed that he was hired beat to a man to death in a rice field and he did it using 2 small porcelain figures. Police say that this was the first case in town of a knick knack p**... whack.
p**... in New York
p**... was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and p**... still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, p**... went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'
p**... has s**... for the first time
After finding out p**... had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.
"It was amazing," p**... gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."
"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.
"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," p**... replied.
Have you read the news?
I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice p**... when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack p**... whack.
So p**... was driving down the street
And he was in a sweat. He was late for an important business meeting and he couldn't find a place to park. In desperation he looked up to god and prayed, "if you find me a parking space, I will go to mass every Sunday from now on and give up drinking whiskey." Miraculously a spot appeared. p**... looked up again and said, "nevermind, I found on."
A black man starts work on a construction site in Liverpool.
The other workers nickname him "w**...".
Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got m**... and p**..., they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".
The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "m**..., Mack, p**..., Wac leave the w**... alone!"
My Irish friend p**... just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked.
"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."
I said, "Dude, these are from an real estate agents."
Irish lawnmower
p**... was waiting at the bus stop with m**... when a truck went by loaded with rolls of turf.
I gonna do that when I win the lottery, says p**....
What's dat? says m**....
Send me lawn away to be cut, says p**....
edit;typing
A Card
Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.
p**... the Irishman arrives at the Gates of Heaven...
...and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to p**... "You may enter, p**..., but first you must answer one question."
He then asks p**... "What is the the name of thy Lord?"
p**... replies "Harold."
"Harold?" asks St. Peter, "How did you arrive at that?"
"Oh, it's in the Lords Prayer... Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name".
p**... the irishman gets a job
p**... and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday.
p**... says "2"
"2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day"
"yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out of the ground"
What ringtone have you got?
Murphy asked p**..., "What ringtone have you got?"
p**... said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown
Who is calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
p**... answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said p**....
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked p**...
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said p**... and hung up the phone.
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says p**..., 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
p**... and Murphy are in a dark cave.
p**... says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"
Murphy hands p**... a match, which p**... strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.
p**... says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."
"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."
Not guilty
p**... went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted p**.... "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..
Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".
Irish Joke
p**... walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
p**... replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".
An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....
He's called to the chair.
'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.
'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.
Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
'That's right, p**... - tell them nothing!'
Epilepsy
p**... goes to the vet with his goldfish. I think it's got epilepsy he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says It seems calm enough to me .
p**... says, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.
Irish man arrested for domestic a**...
The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.
"Why do you keep beating her p**...?" asked the police officer.
"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?
It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"
p**... and m**... see a sign
Walking down the road in Ireland, p**... and m**... see a sign see a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted".
p**... sighs and says, "It's a shame Ryan wasn't with us, we could have gone for that job!".
A couple of Irish men are walking through a wooded area when they see a sign advertising that a company would like to hire 'Tree fellers'. So one turned to the other and says, 'Aye p**... we've been looking for work recently...
It's a shame there's only two of us!'
One night, Mrs. McMillen answered the door to see her husbands bestfriend p**... standing on the doorstep.....
"Hello p**..., where is my husband? He went with you to the Guinness factory."
p**... shook his head and said "Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drown."
Mrs.McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
p**... shakes his head no, then says "Not really, he got out 3 times to pee."
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
p**... was at the doctor's office the other day..
He said to the doctor "Doc, I'm half deaf all of a sudden. I'm having trouble hearing."
The doctor replied "Right, we'll test if you're half deaf or not. Go out and stand in the room at the end of the hall and I'll shout a number and if you can hear it, shout it back."
p**... walked out and into the room.
The doctor shouted "88!"
p**... replied "44!"
Two Irish fellas, p**... and Murphy are looking for a job
They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted - apply within"
p**... says "Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that".
A hitman beats a cow to death in a ricefield using two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack p**... whack.
Billy asks his mate p**... what is quickest way from Dublin to Cork.
p**... says: "Are you going on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says p**....
A group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar.
When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps p**... and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies
"my wifes epileptic"
The grim reaper approaches p**... and says "I'm death"
p**... says "I'll talk louder then"
Circumcised
p**... says to m**....
I'm getting circumcised tomorrow!
m**... says
I had that done when I was a few days old
p**... asks
Does it hurt?
m**... then replies
Well I couldn't walk for about a year after
p**... and Mary decide to try a 69
p**...'s never done it before so Mary says she'll show him.
She tells him to lay on the floor and squats over him.
As she's lowering herself down she farts. Apologizing, she tries again and farts again.
p**... jumps up and storms out, yelling "I'll be fooked if I'm hanging around for 67 more of em!"
Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.
Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack p**... whack.
Cr
p**... takes his goldfish to the vet
...and says "i think my fish is epileptic",the vet looks and says "he looks fine to me.p**... replies,"hang on,i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".
An Englishman stops p**... for directions.....
An Englishman stops p**... for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
p**... says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
p**... replies "That's the quickest!"
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a
big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips
her knickers off and says
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says p**...,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'
p**... was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
p**... looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Empty Glass
The barman says to p**..., Your glass is empty, fancy another one?
Looking puzzled, p**... says, Why would I be needing two empty feckin' glasses?
Irish Doughnuts
p**... and m**... are walking down the road and p**...'s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
p**... says to m**..., If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.
p**... took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks." replied p**....
Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.
p**... and m**..., have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.
The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and m**... takes his gun and shoots a man.
"What are you doing m**..." said p**..., "It's only a quarter to eight!"
"That was wee Jimmy, I know where he lives, he would never have made it home in time."
Car for Sale
p**... wanted to sell his car but was concerned he wouldn't get much for it due to the high mileage, he spoke to his friend Mickey who suggested winding the clock back, reducing the mileage, in the hope he could ask for more money.
A few days later p**... was talking to Mickey again, 'How'd you get on sellin the car p**...?' He asked his friend.
'I didn't sell it in the end' he said. 'Why not?' asked Mickey. 'Well I wound it back like you said, and when I'd finished sure there was only 12,000 miles on the clock, so I decided to keep it'
p**... was at the airport and was stopped by customs.
Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?
p**...: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.
Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?
p**...: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate m**...,
He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could
I bring him back two Saxophones.
Light bulb
p**... and John are working on a building site. p**... says to John, I need a day off, I'm going to pretend I've gone mad!
p**... climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, I'm a light bulb! I'm a light bulb! While John looks on in amazement.
The foreman shouts, p**... go home, you've gone mad!
As p**... packs his kit, the foreman sees John packing his kit as well.
Foreman says, John where do you think you're going?!
John says, Well I'm not working in the friggen dark!
3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.
They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.
So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.
Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.
Fu had to continue working in the p**... fields.
Tragedy at the Guiness brewery
p**... O Reilly works at the Guiness brewery, one day Mrs O Reilly gets a knock on the door, it's the manager.....he tells her there was a terrible accident and her husband drowned in a vat of Guiness.
She is devastated and finally manages to s**......please tell me he went quickly and didnt suffer.
The manager replied, I'm afraid not, in fact he got out 3 times to pee
Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son p**... out for a drink
They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. p**... didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, p**... didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the Irish whiskey, Flynn could hardly push the stroller back home.
A vietnamese farmer was working in the rice p**... field when he sees his son running to him
'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
'All of them'
'No just 3', replies the kid
'Damn it'
The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
p**... & Murphy are working on a building site.
p**... and Murphy are working on a building site.
p**... says to Murphy, I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: p**..., go home. You've gone mad.
So p**... leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Where do you think you're going? asks the foreman.
Well, I can't work in the friggin dark! said Murphy.
Complimenting the wife
An Irish man's wife is standing n**... in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.
"Oh p**..., look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me t**... are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.
"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel better about meself?"
p**... looks up from his book and says to his wife,
"Ah well... at least we know ye have perfect eyesight!"
Tragedy at the Guinness factory
One night, a woman answers the door to see her husband's best friend, p**..., standing on the doorstep.
Hello p**..., where is my husband? He said he was going to the Guinness factory with you.
p**... shakes his head. Ah, Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.
Mrs McMillen starts crying. Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?
p**... shakes his head. Not really – he got out three times to go to the toilet.
