Paddy Jokes
105 paddy jokes and hilarious paddy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paddy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover some of the best Irish Paddy jokes! From the amusing story about the two Gardaí, Bernadette and Sheamus, to the punchline that will have you rolling with laughter, find out why Paddy jokes have been making people smile for generations.
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What is a good paddy joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
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p**... finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it........
He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
p**... says "No I tink it's beef"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... and Murphy walking down the street, p**... falls over, p**... says 'Murphy, call me an ambulance' Murphy says..
PAAAADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!
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Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... in New York
p**... was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and p**... still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, p**... went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... has s**... for the first time
After finding out p**... had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.
"It was amazing," p**... gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."
"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.
"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," p**... replied.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you read the news?
I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice p**... when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack p**... whack.
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3 paddys are out for dinner
English p**... tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"
Scottish p**... asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"
Irish p**... says "pass me the milk
Cow."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meanwhile in rural Ireland...
p**... pays a visit to his old friend Tommy one afternoon. Tommy takes a seat in the kitchen whilst p**... makes him a cup of coffee. Tommy, being the inquisitive type, says "I can't help but notice there p**... that ye have a lot of empty milk bottles in your fridge so ye do, why exactly would that be?"
To which p**... replies " Oh thats just in case a visitor wants a black coffee"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man starts work on a construction site in Liverpool.
The other workers nickname him "w**...".
Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got m**... and p**..., they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".
The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "m**..., Mack, p**..., Wac leave the w**... alone!"
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My Irish friend p**... just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked.
"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."
I said, "Dude, these are from an real estate agents."
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Irish lawnmower
p**... was waiting at the bus stop with m**... when a truck went by loaded with rolls of turf.
I gonna do that when I win the lottery, says p**....
What's dat? says m**....
Send me lawn away to be cut, says p**....
edit;typing
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A Card
Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.
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p**... and Murphy find a mirror
p**... and Murphy find a mirror. p**... picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy " that bloke looks really familiar ". Murphy grabs it off him " Its me you idiot "
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The Bacon tree
p**... and Patrick have been lost in the desert after the war for a week with no food or water when they spot a tree in the distance ,p**... says to Patrick look its a bacon tree we can get a bacon sandwich its full of sides of bacon, Patrick says to p**... you go on and get me one as I can't go any farther, so p**... goes on after a few minuets p**... comes running back and shouts to Patrick quick run its not a bacon tree
it's a ham bush
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p**... the Irishman arrives at the Gates of Heaven...
...and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to p**... "You may enter, p**..., but first you must answer one question."
He then asks p**... "What is the the name of thy Lord?"
p**... replies "Harold."
"Harold?" asks St. Peter, "How did you arrive at that?"
"Oh, it's in the Lords Prayer... Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name".
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p**... the irishman gets a job
p**... and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday.
p**... says "2"
"2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day"
"yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out of the ground"
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What do you call a set of chairs kept outside in Ireland?
p**... O' Furniture
For St Paddys day
Say "Irish wristwatch" 3 times fast
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a big Irish spider?
p**... long legs
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What ringtone have you got?
Murphy asked p**..., "What ringtone have you got?"
p**... said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown
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p**... and Murphy walk into a bar...
Hand in hand
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'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman'
'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack p**... Whacked.'
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Paddy One Liners
Which paddy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paddy? I can suggest the ones about pong and rice.
- For St Paddys day Say "Irish wristwatch" 3 times fast
- What's green and sits on the porch? p**... O'Furniture.
Happy St. Patrick's Day! - What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent? Rice p**....
- - Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs? His name is p**... O'Furniture
- The grim reaper approaches p**... and says "I'm death" p**... says "I'll talk louder then"
- What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a Florida hurricane p**... O' Furniture
- What do you call an Irishman standing in a field in China? A rice p**...!
- p**... and Murphy walk into a bar... Hand in hand
- What do you call a set of chairs kept outside in Ireland? p**... O' Furniture
- What do you call a big Irish spider? p**... long legs
- What do you call a farmer in a rice field? p**...
- How does a butcher introduce his wife? meat p**....
- What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe? p**... Hor D'oeuvre
