Paddy Irish Jokes
82 paddy irish jokes and hilarious paddy irish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paddy irish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Paddy Irish Short Jokes
Short paddy irish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paddy irish humour may include short paddy the irishman jokes also.
- What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? p**... O'Furniture!
(Happy St. Patrick's Day) - What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather? p**... O'Furniture.
- 3 paddys are out for dinner English p**... tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"
Scottish p**... asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"
Irish p**... says "pass me the milk
Cow." - Irish swingers Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing s**..., p**... says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on". - Irish Man Murdered Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome? It was a Knick knack p**... whack.
- I have an Irish uncle that stays outside all the time. We call him p**... O' Furniture.
Happy St p**...'s! - Two Irish men are in a plane when the roof comes off! Donal says to p**..., "If this plane turns upside down will we fall out?"
"No way Donal" says p**..., smiling, "we'll still be best friends." - What do you call an Irish man who won't leave your porch? p**... O' furniture
- What's Irish and sits in the sun? p**... O'Furniture
- Happy p**...'s Day lads and lasses Irish chat up line:
Have ya got any Irish in ya?
I don't.
Well would ya like some?
Share These Paddy Irish Jokes With Friends
Paddy Irish One Liners
Which paddy irish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paddy irish? I can suggest the ones about paddy and paddy englishman.
- For St Paddys day Say "Irish wristwatch" 3 times fast
- What's Irish and stays outside all year long? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and stays out all summer? p**... O'furniture.
- What's Irish and stays out on your deck? p**... O'furniture
- What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent? Rice p**....
- - What's Irish and sits by the pool? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and sits in your garden? p**... O' Furniture
- What's Irish and comes out in summer? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and lives on your back porch? p**... O'Furniture.
- In the spirit of St. p**...'s...What's Irish and stays out all night? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and sits on your lawn? p**... o' furniture
- What's Irish and sits in your backyard? p**... O'Furniture
- Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs? His name is p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish and lives in the garden? p**... O'Furniture
- What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a Florida hurricane p**... O' Furniture
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Paddy Irish Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about paddy irish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean paddy and mick jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paddy irish pranks.
Irishman looking for a parking place
p**... was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
p**... looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Irish hunters
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, p**... asked m**..., "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?
6 Moose
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, p**..., m**... & the pilot
survived the c**....
After climbing out of the wreckage, p**... asked m**..., "Any idea where we
are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
(Irish joke, sorry guys). A teacher is giving an English lesson on the word "Contagious"...
...She asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word being used. One eager child says "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious".
"Very good!" replied the teacher, "has anybody else got an example?".
"My mummy says my laugh is contagious", said another child.
"Great answer!", said the teacher, "How about you p**...?" (apologies for the token Irish name).
"Well, our neighbour is painting his fence with a toothbrush", said p**..., "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...
...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.
The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of this vegemite."
The American man next to him, with a horrified look on his face, pulls out a hotdog. He says, "I agree. If I get another hotdog tomorrow, I will jump off this building with you. I've had enough."
The Irishman pulls out an Irish stew. "Ugh, Irish stew again. Yep, if I get this tomorrow, I'll jump with the two of you."
So the next day they're all sitting in the same spot, and they all pull out the same lunches as before. Grimacing, they jump off the building and plunge to their deaths. They end up having a joint f**..., because they were good friends.
At the f**..., all three wives are sitting next to eachother, discussing their husbands.
The Australian woman says to the other two, "I'm so upset. If only he had've TOLD me he didn't like vegemite, I would've given my husband something else."
The American woman says, "I agree, I just wish my husband had've spoken to me about it, then he would still be here."
They both turn to the Irish woman, who then says, "Don't look at me, p**... makes his own lunch,"
A black man starts work on a construction site in Liverpool.
The other workers nickname him "w**...".
Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got m**... and p**..., they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".
The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "m**..., Mack, p**..., Wac leave the w**... alone!"
My Irish friend p**... just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked.
"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."
I said, "Dude, these are from an real estate agents."
Irish lawnmower
p**... was waiting at the bus stop with m**... when a truck went by loaded with rolls of turf.
I gonna do that when I win the lottery, says p**....
What's dat? says m**....
Send me lawn away to be cut, says p**....
edit;typing
Two Irish men renovating a house
p**... is pulling up the floorboards and placing the nails into two piles.
m**... says "p**..., why are ye puttin the nails in two piles?"
To which p**... replies, "these ones I'm goin tae use again but those other ones are upside down"
m**... then says, "p**... you eedjit, ye can use them for the ceiling!"
So, this ventriloquist's doing a gig at a pub and has people rolling over their seats laughing.
At one point, he delivers an Irish joke, and a man in the crowd gets up, points at him, and roars: 'What's ye's telling them offenshev jokes, for?! Some of us here are Paddys, boy-o!'
The ventroloquist stops, turns to the man and says: 'I'm sorry, sir, I was just telling a joke. I didn't mean to offend you so. I'll keep it clean of offensive jokes from now on.'
And the p**... goes: 'Who's talkin' to ye's?! I was shpeakin' to the man on your lap!'
Irish joke
p**... an m**... are sitting at the bus stop.
They see a truck drive by loaded with turf.
p**... says to m**...
'That's while I'll do when I'm rich m**...'
p**...;
'Whats that m**...?'
m**...;
'Send me grass away to get cut'
What do you call a big Irish spider?
p**... long legs
p**... is a poor Irish farmer...
He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years p**... struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to p**....
p**...,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, p**... shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'
What's white and Irish and sits in your backyard all year?
p**... O'Furniture
What do you call and Irish person who stays outside all night?
p**... O'Furniture
An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..
Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".
One of Colin Mochrie's many gut busters.
Famous Irish hit-man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy was arrested today, and confessed to the crime of beating a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcilean dolls. The police admit, this may be the first recorded instance of a knick knack p**... whack...
Irish Joke
p**... walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
p**... replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".
Who's Irish and sleeps on your porch?
p**... O'Furniture!
An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....
He's called to the chair.
'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.
'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.
Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
'That's right, p**... - tell them nothing!'
My Irish mom always told jokes about wee p**.... This one was always my fave.
There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee p**... from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *p**...* he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. *p**...* he was gone. It was p**...'s turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish for. And then it came to him: "Ach, I'm awful lonely...I wish I had me friends back"...
Irish man arrested for domestic a**...
The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.
"Why do you keep beating her p**...?" asked the police officer.
"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?
It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing s**..., p**... says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
A couple of Irish men are walking through a wooded area when they see a sign advertising that a company would like to hire 'Tree fellers'. So one turned to the other and says, 'Aye p**... we've been looking for work recently...
It's a shame there's only two of us!'
I asked my boss
I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. p**...'s day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.
Know anyone hiring?
What's the difference between St Patrick's Day and Cinco De Mayo?
Everyone is proud to be Irish on St p**...'s day
"Shoo ... shoo"
An Irish man is standing in the street, irractically waving his arms in the air shouting "shoo ...shoo".
A puzzled passerby asks him, "What are you doing, p**...?"
"It keeps the dragons away", he replies.
"There are no dragons, p**...".
"You're welcome!"
What do you call an Irish outdoor furniture salesman?
p**... O'Furniture
Irish.
Two Irish Men walking down the Road.
p**... says to m**..., what you got in the
bag? m**... says Sausage Rolls, p**... says
if I can guess how many are in the bag, can
I have one, m**... says if you can guess, you
can have all 4...
Two Irish fellas, p**... and Murphy are looking for a job
They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted - apply within"
p**... says "Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that".
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners to spice up their s**... lives.
Afterwards p**... says to m**... "That was incredible, I wonder how the girls got on!"
What do you call an Irish Garden Chair?
p**... O'Furniture...
What do you call a someone who is a mix heritage between and Asian and and Irish?
rice p**...
Irish fireman (slightly racist)
p**... was at a fire one day but he had forgot his ladder. He managed to persuade the first person, a middle aged white woman that he would catch her, and he did. Then her mother followed, again p**... caught her. Next a black man jumped out and fell straight to the pavement.
p**... shouted up "don't be throwing out the burned ones!"
An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.
* Well officer, it's customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man p**... when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could s**... bang between my legs. *
The officer winces a little and says * Ouch! that must have really hurt!?! *
* Well yes now it did, but I got off lightly really, poor p**... got three broken fingers. *
An American walks into an Irish bar
he says " I'm from Texas and challenge any Pom to a drinking challenge. 10 drinks in 10 minutes you win 100 pounds!"
p**... yells "I'll take you on!" , and runs out of the bar. No one challenges the y**... for 20 minutes until p**... comes back in the door panting.
y**... says "where the h**... were you?"
p**... says " I ran to the bar down the the road to see if I could do it.
p**... was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
p**... looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Irish Doughnuts
p**... and m**... are walking down the road and p**...'s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
p**... says to m**..., If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.
Irish Shoelace
I've just seen p**... in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you don't trip up over your laces, p**....
p**... says, yeah, it's these b**... instructions.
I said, what instructions, p**...?
p**... says, underneath the shoe, it says 'Taiwan'.
Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son p**... out for a drink
They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. p**... didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, p**... didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the Irish whiskey, Flynn could hardly push the stroller back home.
Complimenting the wife
An Irish man's wife is standing n**... in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.
"Oh p**..., look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me t**... are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.
"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel better about meself?"
p**... looks up from his book and says to his wife,
"Ah well... at least we know ye have perfect eyesight!"
