pad Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious pad puns

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

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Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...

Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.

Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.

Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...

After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

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A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.

"Left arm - found in ditch"

"Left leg - found in ditch"

~~"Head - found in bulavard~~

~~"Head - found in boulavard~~

*kick*

"Head - found in ditch"

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A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down...

It was a pad bun.

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There was a father with three daughters...

The first daughter came up to him and said, "Dad, why is my name daisy?"
He replies, "because when you were born a daisy fell on your head."
The second daughter comes up to him and asks the same, "Dad, why is my name lily?"
"When you were born, a lily pad fell on your head."
The third daughter walks up to him and says, "MAUUUNGUNNFFFAUUUUUUU!"
"Shut up Brick!"

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A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back,

"Naw man, you're in de-nile"

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A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the highway.

A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the road.

He radios headquarters to send in forensics. He then assesses the scene. It's horrible. He takes out his note pad and starts to record his observations.


He approaches the rear of the vehicle and notices a severed leg on the trunk.
*****
*- Leg on trunk*
*****

He continues to the driver's side door. He sees a bloody torso in the front passenger seat.
*****
*- Body in front driver's seat*
*****

He walks to the front of the vehicle and sees an arm laying on the hood.
*****
*- Arm on hood*
*****

He continues around the car, and sees the decapitated head of the victim laying on the boulevard. He continues to write...
*****
*- Head on ~~Buol~~ ~~Bul~~ ~~Bolu~~*
*****

He then kicks the head!

*****
*- Head in ditch*
*****

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THE DEACON'S LAST & FINAL WORDS

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

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A mathematician is paying for his groceries...

A mathmatician is paying for his groceries and the cashier asks for him to write his signature. He draws a single wave on the pad. When he sees the cashiers' confused look he says, "What? it says 'sign here'."

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what did the maxi pad say to the fart?

you are the wind beneath my wings. :D

I heard this from someone, somewhere, many moons ago.

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An English businesswoman explained to her doctor that she was always breaking wind.

At board meetings, during interviews,in lifts and on trams -- it was impossible to control. "But at least I'm fortunate in two respects," she told her doctor. "They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know I've let two go since I've been talking to you."
The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to her.
"What's this?" she queried, reading the prescription. "Nasal drops?"
"Yes," replied the doctor. "First we'll fix your nose, then we'll have a go at your hearing!"

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There's a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I'll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I'll jump and I'll eat that frog for lunch.
There's a bear on the side of the pond and he is watching. He says if that fly drops three inches, the frog will jump, the fish will jump and I'll jump and eat that fish for lunch.
There's a hunter in the woods who's watching. He said if that fly drops three inches, the frog will jump, the fish will jump, the bear will jump and I'll shoot that bear and eat him for lunch.
There is a cat in a tree above the hunter looking down at the hunters lunch bag and sees a tuna fish sandwich. He says if that fly drops three inches,the frog will jump the fish will jump the bear will jump the hunter will shoot the bear and run down and I'll jump down and eat the hunters tuna fish sandwich for lunch.
Just then the fly drops three inches. The frog jumps, the fish jumps the bear jumps the hunter shoots the bear and he runs down and the cat jumped down to eat the tuna fish sandwich. When the cat jumped he hit a branch, flipped and landed in the water.
What's the moral of the story?
Every time a fly drops three inches a pussy gets wet.

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What is the opposite of an iPad Mini?

A Maxi Pad

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How to irritate an archaeologist?

Show him a used women's pad and ask him which period it belongs to.

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An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting.

They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.
The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he's ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, We got it!

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Where does the male mouse live since his wife caught him cheating and kicked him out of the house?

His mouse pad

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A Vampire met a genie

"I'll give you three wishes, no more, no less" Said the Genie to the Vampire.

"I want to have wings. It's weird to be able to fly without wings." Said the Vampire.

"It shall be done, what about the second wish?"

"I want virgins! Lots of virgins!"

"It shall be done, and the last?"

"I want blood! Lots of blood!"

"Abracadabra hocus pocus" The genie casted the spell.

****Poof****

.

.

.

.

.

And the Vampire turned into a sanitary pad.

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The police are using sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people.

I don't know what was wrong with the old ink pad myself.


Makes me chuckle every time, name that sitcom.

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How can you tell an elephant is on its period?

There's a quarter on your night stand and your mattress pad is missing.

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A man walks in to a psychiatrists office.

He lays on the couch and says "Teepee, wig-wom, teepee, wig-wom..."

The psychiatrist writes a few notes on his pad and replies "You're too tents..."

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Alice and Bob are at a bar...

Alice and Bob are at a bar. Alice is menstruating.

Suddenly, Alice stands up and says to Bob, "I've got to go change my pad, be right back"

Bob asks, "Why don't you just wash it and keep using it?"

"I can't. It's a one-time pad."

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Biblical Golf

So this old man, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf. Moses hits his ball in the pond, so for his next shot he parts the water and hits the ball in the hole. Jesus's shot lands on a lily pad in the pond, so he walks onto the water and hits his next shot off the lily pad into the hole. The old man tees up his shot, but when he swings, he completely misses and the ball slowly rolls away from the tee box. Suddenly, a bird swoops in and picks up the ball and flies over the pond where the ball is dropped. In the pond, the ball is swallowed by a frog. The frog hops out of the water and gets hit by a truck on a nearby road. The impact of the truck's tires launches the ball back onto the golfcourse and into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I fucking hate playing with your dad."

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I used to live next door to a clone...

We both lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building, he would invite himself to any social gathering he could hear going down in my pad. He quickly got on everyone's nerves because he was pornographic, indecent, smutty, salacious, dirty, filthy, X-rated, explicit, lewd, rude, vulgar, coarse, crude, offensive, immoral, improper, impure, off-color, degenerate, depraved and debauched. I finally snapped one night and while he was on the balcony, I pushed him over the edge. I was arrested later that night.....For making an obscene clone fall.

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My daughter wants an iPad for Christmas.

I said the only pad you're getting is a Kotex.

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Why were the frog's feet red?

It jumped onto Lily's pad.

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What should an undercover spy take on a mission involving a temporary sex change?

A one-time pad

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Why are black women so good at washing dishes?

Their Brillo pad comes equipped.

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yo mama so fat...

when she's on her period, she uses a mattress as a pad.

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So I just upgraded to Windows 10, I'm not happy about it.

My mouse cursor was on the left side of the screen but my mouse was in the middle of my mouse pad.

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What did the iPad say to the Android?

I Pad enough of you!!

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What do you call a lawyers home?

A legal pad.

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Working for Kotex would actually be a logical way to pad your resume.

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Did you hear about the new housing being built where dwarves can live at no charge?

It's called the "Stayfree Mini Pad"

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What did the frog's girlfriend need when she was on her period?

A lily pad.

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Your American drug stores sure are different from Soviet Thailand.

In American drug store, you walk down an aisle and you see pads. In Soviet Thailand, pad see ew.

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What are the most funny Pad jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Pad? Well, here are the best Pad dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Pad pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes