Packs Cigarettes Jokes
91 packs cigarettes jokes and hilarious packs cigarettes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about packs cigarettes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Packs Cigarettes Short Jokes
Short packs cigarettes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The packs cigarettes humour may include short packs jokes also.
- Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast. My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.
- 2 men are on a boat sharing a pack of cigarettes when they realise they have no lighter How do they light up?
They toss a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter. - There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter
- I used to tell dad jokes. But he still hasn't come back from buying that pack of cigarettes yet.
- I'm going to tattoo a pack of cigarettes on my arm. That way my father will actually want me.
- I've decided to become a better father, so I'm down to five cigarettes a day now. The rest of the pack I give to my twelve year old son.
- As of today, I've been 50 days free from cigarettes. A friend offered me a pack. I burned them.
- Olive Garden really does treat you like family... My waiter left to go buy a pack cigarettes, and he still hasn't come back yet. 😢
- Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me
- My parents once made me smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. To teach me about brand loyalty.
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Packs Cigarettes One Liners
Which packs cigarettes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with packs cigarettes? I can suggest the ones about cigarette and lit cigarette.
- Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart and stopped littering
- I talked to the surgeon general today He offered me a pack of cigarettes.
- How to quit smoking easily? Paste a picture of your mother-in-law on the cigarette pack.
- Why do I see people open cigarette packs with their teeth? Because they bite their nails.
- What has 20 butts and kills people? A pack of cigarettes
- Life is like a pack of cigarettes... It doesn't last long for smokers.
- Why do people pack their cigarettes? To wake up the cancer
- Why do people shake packs of cigarettes before opening it? Waking up the cancer
- Why do you pack cigarettes? Gotta wake up the cancer.
- I used to work at a cigarette factory but I quit It was too packed.
Rib-Tickling Packs Cigarettes Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about packs cigarettes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smoking cigarettes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make packs cigarettes pranks.
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the h**.... As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the h**....
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
2 old ladies are having a smoke outside when it starts to rain.
One lady says to the other, Do you wanna know how to keep your cigarette dry when it rains? The second lady responds, Sure . So the first lady proceeds to tell her to buy a pack of condoms and each time she's having a smoke out in the rain, get out one of the condoms, place it over the cigarette and it will stay dry. Well the second old lady thinks it's a great idea so she strolls down to her local pharmacy to buy a pack of condoms. When she gets to the pharmacy, she asks the person behind the counter for a pack of condoms. The sales person behind the counter responds What size? The little old lady pauses and thinks for a second and then replies The size that fits a Camel!
An old woman joins a gang.
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She went to a bar where she new they hung out and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms was at the entrance.
She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the parking lot.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my n**... a few times."
A twist on a classic
Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those b**..., mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.
Play around
So corporate exec Joe is flying across the Pacific, when his plane crashes. Joe survives, but finds himself stranded on a desert island, with nothing to eat but coconuts, and whatever seafood he can catch. 10 years go by, with poor Joe having no human contact. One day, as Joe is fishing for his dinner, a beautiful blonde woman comes wading out of the surf, wearing a full body wet suit. She approaches Joe and introduces herself "Hi, I'm Julie", Joe is so excited, all he can say "I'm Joe, and I've been stranded here alone for 10 years". "Wow" reply's Julie "10 years stranded here, I bet you'd like a cigarette" . "Would I ever" says Joe, and with that the young lady unzips a pocket on her sleeve, pulls out a pack of Marlboro reds, lights 2 and passes one to Joe. "Wow 10 years alone on this island" Julie repeats, "I bet you'd like a beer". "Would I ever" replies Joe, and with that the lady unzips a pocket on her leg, pulls out 2 cold Budweiser's, opens them and hands one to Joe. The young lady starts to seductively unzip the front of her wet suit, and says "Wow 10 years alone on this island, I bet you'd like to play around wouldn't you". "Would I ever" says Joe excitedly, "You got golf clubs in there?"
A man is hired to carpet a little old lady's living room...
It takes him all day to get the job done, but when he's finally finished, he decides to reward himself with a cigarette. But he finds his cigarettes are not in his pocket and at the exact same time, he sees a lump underneath the carpet.
He doesn't want to tear up the carpet again, just to get a pack of cigarettes, so he gets a two-by-four and smashes the lump down until it's completely flat, figuring the little old lady will never know. It takes him nearly 20 minutes, but eventually the floor is completely and totally smooth and level.
He loads all his tools into the truck and he's about to drive away when the little old lady comes hurrying out the door.
"Young man!" she says. "Are these your cigarettes? I found them in the bathroom. And by the way... have you seen Petey, my pet hamster?"
So a Hispanic man walks into a bar...
He sees an old cigarette machine and decides to buy a pack. He puts in his change and the machine flashes the words, DIME, DIME, DIME. He looks around and whispers to the machine, Malboro.
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
Four Men Are In A Rowboat...
They're fishing and after a couple hours without success, they all decide it's time for a smoke. They pull out their packs, but alas, no one has anything to light the cigarettes with.
That's when they throw one of their cigarettes over board.
Now the boat is a cigarette lighter.
2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...
The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"
Back in the day I could go to the store with $5 and come home with a gallon of milk, a lb of baloney, 3 packs of cigarettes and a 12 pack. Can't do that anymore.
There are to many security cameras these days.
A woman buys a pack of cigarettes....
And leaves the store to light one up and enjoy it. But as she was trying to take a drag of the wonderful cig, the rain extinguishes it, forcing her once again to light it, only again for the rain to stop her from enjoying it. So having given up on smoking at present she begins her walk down the sidewalk. As she is walking down the sidewalk, she happens upon another women happily enjoying her smoke in the rain.
"excuse me miss. But how do you keep you cigarette lit in this rain?" She asked.
"easy," says the woman " I just put a c**... over it to keep the rain off."
Flabbergasted by this idea the woman rushes back to the convenience store.
"did you forget something?" Asked the owner
"yes," she replied "I need condoms!"
"what size ma'am?" Asked the shopkeep
"anything large enough to fit a camel!" She said.
Discussion between husband & wife
Wife : Everyday you spend 5 bucks on a pack of cigarettes. In a month, you would be spending 150 bucks right?
Husband : yes....and?
Wife : In a year, you would have spend $1800 and you have been smoking for 20 years. If you didn't smoke, you would be driving a Porsche by now.
Husband : how about you? Do you smoke?
Wife : Are you crazy? No! I don't!
Husband : And where is your Porsche?
Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?
There was a sin tax error.
[8.5]
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?
You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.
A man walks in to a store and buys a pack of cigarettes.
As the clerk hands the pack to him he says "you should really read the warning on them". "It says right here that smoking causes erectile dysfunction and highly increases your rate for impotence". The man looks at him in shock and says "can I just get the lung cancer ones".
Secret to Long Life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
First Experience after marriage
A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them
Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code
So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted
NESCAFE
and the next week the 2nd daughter text
WILLS
the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label
fantastic till the last drop
went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read
Extra long, king size
she smiled and said not bad for their ages .
After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted
Indigo Delhi Hyderabad ,
the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied
it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins .
Mother fainted
My wife and I said we would only smoke after s**.......
I have had the same pack of cigarettes since 2007, im starting to get worried about my wife though shes been going through 3 packs a day!
Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?
A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement.
However, they are allowed to have *one* form of luxury for their sentence.
The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes.
20 years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the wardens, "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *lawyer*!"
The second man looks equally proud. "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *doctor*," he remarks.
The third man shuffles out of his cell, looking extremely disgruntled. With a very annoyed tone, he says "Does anyone have a match?"
A man goes to buy a pack of cigarettes......
The cashier hands him a pack. He goes out and thinks of lighting one up. The pack reads "Beware smoking causing impotency". He goes back in hey man i think you gave me the wrong pack give me the one with cancer.
I gave a homeless man 10 dollars and told him, "I want to make sure you find something good to eat". After watching him come out of the store with a pack of cigarettes I was quite upset
His stomach was too after I made sure he ate them.
Dude goes to convenience store and asks for cigarettes, gets one and warning reads " Smoking can cause impotency"
politely asks "Bro, give me the pack that causes cancer"
My wife and I agreed to only smoke after s**.... I've had the same pack of cigarettes for 6 months...
She's up to 2 packs a day.
My wife and I only smoke cigarettes after s**...
I've had the same pack since we were married but she's up to three packs a day!
(Thanks, Rodney!)
Do you smoke cigarettes?
Paul: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Patrick: Oh yes.
Paul: How many sticks a day?
Patrick: 7 packs.
Paul: When did you start smoking?
Patrick: 18 years ago.
Paul: How much does a pack cost?
Patrick: 10 dollars
Paul: So you spent 70 dollars a day on cigarettes?
Patrick: Yes.
Paul: If you had saved the 70 dollars a day for 18 years, that would be $460,000 and you could be driving your own Ferrari right now.
Patrick: Can I ask you a question?
Paul: Go ahead.
Patrick: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Paul: No.
Patrick: So where is your Ferrari?
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina,
were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a c**..., cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A c**...."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
I learned a tip to pay off my student loan...
Apparently each pack of cigarettes I smoke takes away one year of my debt!
Two women are sitting at a bus stop...
They're both smoking, and it starts to rain. One if them out her cigarette out, and the other took out a c**... to put over the cigarette so she could continue smoking.
The woman looks at the one with the c**... and says, "wow that's neat, what is it and where can I get one?"
The other woman replies, "it's a c**..., you can get them at any of your locals pharmacies."
So the woman walks to a nearby pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks the cashier, "hey can I have a pack of condoms please?"
The cashier says, "sure what size?"
To which she replies, "the size that can fit a camel."
My dad cares a lot about quality...
It's taken him over 19 years to find the right pack of cigarettes
When I was a teenager, my dad found cigarettes in my room & made me smoke the whole pack.
I'm really glad he didn't find my bag of h**....
What's the difference between your father and the Buddha?
One abandoned his family to "get a pack of cigarettes", the other left to "get enlightened".
Three men are out fishing
They each have a pack of cigarettes but no lighter.
Not knowing what to do but really wanting to smoke, they think until they get an idea.
They threw a cigarette out of the boat and make it a cigarette lighter.
My mom asked me to get a pack of cigarettes
Nice try.
Last time anyone in my family did that they didn't come back.
Two old men are in the middle of a conversation...
When one old man tells the other, "My old friend my time is coming and all I ask from you is that when I die, you put two packs of cigarettes in my grave." His friend sits still in silence thinking about his friend's kick impending death when suddenly he asks, "Ok my friend, I'll stick a lighter in there for you too." His friend starts to laugh and says, "Oh no, don't go through that trouble. Where I'm going I won't need a lighter."
The whole pack
This guy caught me having s**... with his daughter, and he was furious.
He said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, son. Nobody ever went easy on me. When I was a kid, my father caught me smoking a cigarette, and he made me smoke the whole pack right in front of him. When my mother caught me drinking whisky from the cabinet, she made me drink the entire bottle down to the last drop."
I said, "I think I see where you're going with this. How many kids do you have?"
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a c**....
She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms do you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.
Shopping for singles
I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*c**....''
A guy buys a pack of cigarettes
He reads a warning on the pack "smoking causes erectile dysfunction" he rushes back to the seller and says "hey, give me the ones that causes cancer"
My wife and I decided only to smoke after s**...
I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day
Quiting smoking and I'm down to five cigarettes a week, since the wife and I made a deal that we would only light up after s**....
She's up to three packs a day.
A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.
She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.
The scientist approaches the man and says pardon me, sir, but what's your secret to long life?
The man says I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate milk for breakfast and eat burgers for lunch and dinner, and I wash it all down with a swig of hard liquor .
Wow! exclaims the scientist. Exactly how old are you?
26.
Addiction
Smoking isn't addictive, I've been smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday for the past 21 years and i'm still not addicted.
A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
After smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day since the age of 18, my grandfather finally stopped...
breathing.
My dad said jokingly, I'll see you next year.
Then he left to go get a pack of cigarettes... It's 2019, and he's not back yet.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after s**....
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.
My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after s**... and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months
my wife is up to three packs a day
Old ladies
Two old ladies were sitting outside a pharmacy smoke a cigarette when it starts to rain. One old lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a c**..., snips the tip off, slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking. The other old lady looks shocked and says, "I'm gonna have to try that."
So she proceeds to go into the pharmacy and talk to the young man behind the counter. "Give me a pack of condoms." The clerk blushes and asks "what size do you need ma'am?" The old lady tells him, " oh, whatever will fit on a Camel." The clerk promptly faints.
A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.
He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.
He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that carpet for a bunch of paper and tobacco.
Heads out to his truck, jumps in the front seat and is caught off guard to see his pack of cigarettes on the dash.
At that moment the woman of the house rushes out waving at him. "Excuse me, I don't know if you saw him or not, but I'm missing my hamster."
An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy
He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security cameras.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six."
A chicken and an egg are sitting in bed.
A chicken and an egg are sitting in bed. The chicken frowns and crosses its arms. The smiling egg gets out a pack of cigarettes and lights up a smoke.
Well... that answers that question.
My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.
When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble online. I remembered how it felt when my Playstation was destroyed and that night I broke the cycle.
Two old ladies smoking
Two old ladies are outside smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. One pulls out a c**..., cuts off the tip, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking.
The other old lady is surprised and asks about it. The first one explains that it's just a c**.... She buys them at the pharmacy and uses them to keep her cigarettes dry when it rains.
The second old lady is intrigued by the idea and the next day she heads to the pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks for a pack of condoms.
The pharmacist asks what size she needs and she says, Just whatever will fit a camel.
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly…..
she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in h**...."
"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"
Two grandmas are sitting at a bus stop
Sharing a cigarette and it starts to rain. One takes out a c**... with a hole at the tip and puts it over the cigarette so the rain won't put it out.
The one lady remarks about how ingenious the idea is and goes to the store herself.
Can I have a pack of condoms please?
The clerk asks, sure which size/brand do you need?
Whatever will fit a Camel.
Woman asks an old man rocking on his porch...
What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six."