Owns Jokes
102 owns jokes and hilarious owns puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about owns that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for who owns the joke? Is it the spaniel, the investor or the bazaar? Get the answers here in this article and find out who actually owns the jokes.
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Funniest Owns Short Jokes
Short owns jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The owns humour may include short outs jokes also.
- Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney world and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt... 1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate. - My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
- If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
- - When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products. Turns out those were just stereotypes.
- My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
- I like to tell girls I have my own private jet But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi
- Meatloaf (RIP) owned a private forest. At dawn every day, he would collect the condensation and drink it. I asked him if it tastes good. He said "dew outta trees ain't bad!"
- Apparently, elton john owns a pygmy rabbit that is super hyper and runs all the time. It's a little, fit bunny.
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Owns One Liners
Which owns one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with owns? I can suggest the ones about overs and landlord.
- How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
- How do Millennials fireproof their homes? By never owning one.
- I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.
- What does a Jamacian call everything he owns? Meetings.
- What's more American than owning your own home? Not owning your own home.
- I've never owned a telescope... But it's something I'm thinking of looking into
- How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch? Don't worry, they will tell you.
- What do you call an Arab who owns 5,000 cows A Milk Sheikh.
- How do you know if someone owns a Tesla? Don't worry, they'll tell you
- Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property? Baron Wasteland.
- What do you call a triangle that got OWNED? A rectangle.
- What do you call a vampire who owns a restaurant? Count Spatula
- My father owned a body removal business He lifted a lot of dead weight
- Todd Akin If Todd Akin owned a winery it would be called "The Legitimate Grape"
- Elon Musk has only owned Twitter for one day... and it's already ran over 2 pedestrians.
Who Owns Jokes
Here is a list of funny who owns jokes and even better who owns puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Not vaccinating your child is like owning a PT Cruiser You're spending thousands a year on something that'll probably be dead in less than five.
- I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up. The parrot was cool though.
- The Jetsons gave me unrealistic expectations for the future as a child Like having a wife who loves me and owning a dog
- What's the best thing about owning a car in Liverpool? You'll eventually end up with enough bricks to build a free garage.
- i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith thank god i was dragged out by the smiths
- Spongebob was the most unrealistic kid's show A teenager in a minimum wage job owning a house and car. Pfft
- I keep hearing about Occam's razor, but i don't know what it is. Most likely, it's a razor owned by someone named Occam.
- Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company? His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson
- Henry Ford owned a brothel He packed the brothel with the most beautiful women in Detroit. Any man could come in and take one out on a date. They were known as the Ford Escorts.
- I feel the same way about slaves as I do shirts with flame patterns on them I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Owns Jokes
What funny jokes about owns you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean occupied jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make owns pranks.
An old man owns a boat.
He is a rich old bird who made his fortune early in life. he is a bit crazy and for some reason always hires male strippers and keeps absurd amounts of potatoes on his boat. when asked why he said, " I've always wanted to rule a country but i never got too, so i bought my boat and filled it with taters and male strippers." when asked how that helped he replied simply,"It's my dictatorship."
Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.
Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...
President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!
Assistant to the President: Sir ...
President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?
Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.
President: Rick?
Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
How do you know when someone owns a MacBook?
Well they tell you they have a MacBook.
A man walked into a pub.....
A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**...-B, Angel Soft, Saab
Busta Rhymes not only owns all these products, he uses them as s**... commands.
Wanna know something interesting about Roland Emmerich?
He owns one of those antique steamboats, the kind with the giant wheel on the back, and he actually sails with it. In rivers of course, the open ocean is far too choppy, and would damage the antique boat. Anyway, he's got an entire house set up on the boat, complete with living quarters, entertainment rooms, and even a workout room. Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat, once there was this fat chick named Mary, she spent her whole time in the exercise room burning fat, she was pretty proud of herself for it too.
Roland still takes the boat up and down various rivers to this day,
with the big wheel keep on turning,
Proud Mary keep on burning,
Roland,
Roland,
Roland on the River!
A Camel Walks Into A Bar
A lady and her camel walk into a bar. When the lady goes over to the bar, she just lets the camel lay down. When she gets to the bar, the bartender says, "Ma'am, you cant leave that lien' their." The lady who owns the camel says "It's not a lion, it's a camel."
Did you hear Beyonce now owns an all female roofing company?
It's called "All The Shingle Ladies".
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
My friend owns a zoo...
My friend owns a zoo but the only animal is a tiny dog...
Its a Shitzu
My friend owns a popular graveyard
People are dying to get in.
My friend Opie owns a pizza restaurant. Wanna know why it's so successful?
Because Opie delivers.
Gary: Standing in line at the movies, little white girl has a brown colored doll. Talk about progress in America brehs.
Fred: But she owns that doll tho.
How can you tell if somebody owns a TV?
Don't worry, they will tell you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A p**...
My father owns all the singles ever released by the Beetles except for one...
I think he needs Help.
(I will see myself out)
My girlfriend's father owns a scaffolding business
I asked him for her hand in marriage but he sets the bar too high.
What star wars character owns a Japanese restaurant?
chewbaka
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend........
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.
When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"
"Why is that?" her mom asked.
"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"He's the original owner mom!"
What do you call a giant elephant mafia boss that owns slaves?
Masta-Don.
My dad owns this reversible leather belt.
On one side, it was this smooth brown leather. On the other side, he would beat me.
This person I know owns the world's smallest handcuffs!
He's wearing his wedding ring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches and rats
Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches
and rats in my house for a meeting so we can discuss how we will be sharing the rent because i don't know who owns the house anymore.
What do you call a cat that owns a house?
A hoMEOWner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a h**... who owns sheep and goats.
Bisexual.
If someone named Patricia owns a station wagon...
...Does that make it a patti-wagon?
My buddy told me he owns a straight-hair-only barber shop.
Its name is, "No Curls Allowed."
My friend owns a store and he hadn't made any profit, even during the back to school season.
Me- You should consider moving your store.
Friend- I cant!
Me- Why?
Friend- Coz its stationery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dog and the policeman
Jabu goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Jabu said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
Jabu replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's t**... under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said Jabu. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have s**...!"
Jabu looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog
Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.
Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.
Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.
What do you call someone who owns a restaurant?
What do you call a man who owns a fishing store?
Rod.
What do you call his wife?
Annette.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Non believers say it is impossible for a v**... to have kids...
... but my socially awkward friend Mitchell owns a goat farm - and he has plenty of kids!
What's the difference between Communism and Capitalism?
In Communism the government owns and runs and collects everything.
In Capitalism you own and run things and the government collects it for you.
What do you call a secret agent that owns livestock?
Jason Barn
Do you wanna know my favorite Disney princess?
Homer Simpson. Why not? Now that Disney owns everything.
True or false?
Kerry Katona actually owns a cat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Study finds that the most popular f**... among Millennial is...
Role playing as a couple that owns a house.
About 100 years everybody owned horses and only the rich owned cars
Now everyone owns cars and only the rich own horses. How the stables have turned.
Edit : sorry for the bad pun
An unhappy couple went to court to get a divorce.
The woman thought she should have custody for the kids, as she was the one who gave birth to them. The man then answered: If I put 1$ on a candy machine, and a piece of chocolate comes out. Who owns the chocolate?
What do you call an Arab man who owns both a goat and a camel?
Bisexual
A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...
He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"
The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"
The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"
My mate from up North owns a pub.
He was telling me other night that he's been having trouble with a famous Spanish actor who keeps coming into his pub and causing chaos.
Javier Bardem? I asked
I've tried," he replied, but he just keeps comin' back.
My wife thinks our neighbor owns tropical birds.
Ever since I said I liked her two cans.
The Ungent family owns a successful soap business
They recently created a brand new soap to release to their customers, and all things went well until it became time to name their soap.
It should be named after the scent, one declared.
No, no, no, another corrected, it has to be after our family name.
Why can't we just call it 'soap'? the third complained.
Now, being the loyal customer I am, I preordered their soap even before they named it. The box came in a few days ago, and I opened it not knowing what it was for.
It was SoapUngent.
I have Apple appliances in every room of my home.
In addition everyone in my household owns an iPhone, iPad or both. We are pretty diligent about keeping all of the devices synchronized with each other. All, except for some reason, the kitchen.
I guess you could say, everything but the kitchen's synch'd.
You walk into a bar and see Rick Astley sitting alone
You sit next to him and start talking
Eventually, the conversation leads to talk of your favorite Pixar movies
Rick tells you that his favorite of all time is Up, he even owns a physical copy of the movie with bonus features
You say that you've always wanted to see it but never have
He says it's a great movie, you have to see it
Nervously, you ask Rick if you can borrow his copy of the movie
He says no
He's never gonna give you up
In doing so, he has let you down
*This is the Astley paradox*
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
Karl Marx walks into a bar and asks who owns this joint?
Please finish this joke for me
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
I was on a trip to Dubai, and in my stay, I met a rich man
Over time, we actually became friends, and he told me about this shoes company he owns.
He said:
Each pair of shoes we manufacture costs us about 2$, and we manage to sell them for 250$
What?! this is insane, why is it so expensive, ? I asked
Well I actually tried to make them cheaper for 25$ each
Then what happend?
People stopped buying them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
In the horse world, how do you end up with millions?
Start with billions...
My family owns a horse. This joke hits a little too close to home.
Applied pressure
Doctor: You're going to feel a bit of pressure, OK?
Patient: Ok
Doctor: Your younger sister is the founder of CEO of a multi-million dollar company and owns a house while you work as a cashier at McDonalds and live with your parents
What brand of camera a fanfiction writer owns?
A Canon Camera
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man.
"You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife".
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"
Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".
My friend owns a bakery that runs off stolen goods
Might go for a visit soon, everyone I've talked to says it's their bread and butter.
So there's this witch that owns a motel and she'll give you a discount room if you consent to her experimenting on you...
The sign outside says, Come on in and rest for a spell .
I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.
1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day
Nickel & Dime Dining
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping
He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.
In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….
But now is the winter of our disco tent.
A chemist walks into the store he owns...
and he sees a man, leaning up against a wall near the counter.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.
"He needed a bottle of cough syrup," explains the assistant, "but I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."
"WHAT?" bellows the chemist. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!!!"
"Of course you can," replies the assistant, pointing at the man. "Look at him! He's FAR too scared to cough!"
