Owner Jokes
139 owner jokes and hilarious owner puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about owner that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you an owner of any variety of vehicle or pet? If so, you'll love these hilarious jokes about cats, dogs, Teslas, Fords, Dodges, Boats, Chevys, and BMWs! Laugh at the similarities between owning a pet and owning a business! See how owners of any type of product, vehicle, or wares manage their owned items.
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Funniest Owner Short Jokes
Short owner jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The owner humour may include short landlord jokes also.
- A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
- A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking." - My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please", I said "$200?, it'll be cheaper getting one off the web".
- List if 10 worst dog breeds 1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas - My friend was thinking of getting a labrador. I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"
- What do gun owners and vegans have in common? They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.
- A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?" (Looks around) No idea mate.
- My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador. It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind
- A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt" - What's Alabama like? My new company owner is from there. Seems friendly, he said he's going to treat us employees like we was family?
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Owner One Liners
Which owner one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with owner? I can suggest the ones about owns and creator.
- How does an Apple watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
- When a bmw owner learns to drive... What kind of car do they switch to?
- I'm never buying a Labrador... Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?
- How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro? because the owner will tell you
- What has a ring but no fingers? The former owner of a Note 7
- No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice *No they don't, oh no they don't*
- I kept asking the aquarium owner about the walking fish. He said 'you axolotl questions!'
- Why did the house owner not allow the nine ants to enter? Because they were not ten ants
- What happened when the club owner forgot his bouncer's birthday? He let his guard down.
- I've got a prosthetic leg. I just hope it's previous owner got home okay.
- What's something a good scientist or a bad pet owner would say? I'll be in my lab
- Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner He rubbed him the wrong way
- Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump You could call it the car owner virus
- I was eating at a Vietnamese restaurant and being rowdy, so the owner had to banh mi.
- Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ? Because his canine's were loose
Dog Owner Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog owner jokes and even better dog owner puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they've noticed their owners are now wearing masks Cats are unaffected though as they're yet to notice their owners at all
- I found a stray dog the other day. I think it's owner was a blacksmith, because as soon as I brought the thing home it made a bolt for the door.
- Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog... Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees - A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners had been discovered.
- The vet said she will put the dog down. "But why?!" exclaimed the owner.
"Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.
-taken from a cat calendar. - What did the owner say about their 7 bit dog Don't worry, he doesn't byte
- How do dogs know that their owner is calling them? Collar ID
- Did you hear the one about the dog with no limbs named joint? Every morning his owner would take him out for a drag
- What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most? A Golden Retriever
- Dogs have owners Cats have staff
Business Owner Jokes
Here is a list of funny business owner jokes and even better business owner puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife doesn't like it when I support female business owners. …And she told me to stop calling OnlyFans girls that.
- Whats a business owners favorite dessert ? A Profiterole
- What did the teller say to a business owner who drops all of his checks At least they didn't bounce!
- A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
- The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground. "This is a bad sign" they remark.
- The owner of a dry cleaning business finds a $20 bill left in the pockets of a pair of pants that was dropped off. He now has a dilemma.... Does he tell his partner or not?
- People are always so confused when I say Mark Zuckerberg is a small business owner. I just don't understand it. I mean, look at the guy; he's 5'7!
- If a Latino man and an Asian man co own a business which one is the minority owner?
Cat Owner Jokes
Here is a list of funny cat owner jokes and even better cat owner puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack mainly because their hearts are already broken
- My friend advised me to date a cat owner.. ..because they can love someone who doesn't even like them back
- Why don't hat store owners and pet shop owner get along? Because you can't be a fan of hat care and cat hair.
- In what region do the most talented cat owners live? The Catskills
- Ever hear of that cat turned vegan because of its vegan owner? Probably not, she died.
- Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. - As a cat owner, I've come to a conclusion - condominiums are not for cats. They'd prefer mausoleums.
- I asked my sister if her cat was microchipped. She said "No, he has a tattoo in his ear."
"Why?" I asked.
"So if he gets lost, his new owner will know how much he loves Guns N' Roses."
Boat Owner Jokes
Here is a list of funny boat owner jokes and even better boat owner puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I recently became the owner of a house boat dealership The sails went through the roof
Product Owner Jokes
Here is a list of funny product owner jokes and even better product owner puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her: "Run, florist! Run!"
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Owner Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about owner you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean employer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make owner pranks.
One shop owner turns and asks another...
So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you're looking for a night guard?
He replied.
Yeah, we got robbed tonight.
Joe took his blind date, Kim, to the carnival...
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim, and so they ambled over to the 'guess-the-weight' stand. The owner guessed 121 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'guess-the-weight' stand they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long
A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Oh, you!
A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."
Blonde Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... walks into a restaurant...
Adolf walks in to a restaurant and states, "I'm hungry!"
The owner asks, "Well, what do you want to eat?"
h**... replies with, "As long as it's *not-sea*food, I'm sure I'll love it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many sheep?
A blonde woman is tired of people assuming she's s**... and dyes her hair red. Feeling empowered, she goes for a car ride down a country road. Soon she sees a farm with hundreds of sheep. She walks up to the owner of the farm and makes this proposal: "These sheep are adorable, if I guess how many there are, can I keep one?" The farmer agrees, surely out of all the sheep this woman can't guess the number exactly. She looks around and replies "There are 593 sheep" The farmer is awe-struck, the number was exactly right. So the woman picks her sheep and is getting back in the car when the farmer runs up to her and yells "WAIT! If I can guess your natural color can I have him back?" The woman smiles and agrees, she already proved she's too smart to be called a blonde. The farmer replies "you're a blonde, now can I have my dog back?"
Georgia joke
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
My girlfriend told me this one
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I posed n**... for a magazine today
Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money
the difference between cats and dogs
dog: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. my owner must be god.
cat: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. I must be god.
A man is very thirsty...
A man is very thirsty. As he is stumbling down the country road he sees a cow grazing in front of a cottage. "I'm saved!", he says to himself as he milks the cow and quenches his thirst.
The man knocks on the door to pay for the milk. "Your cow's milk saved me," he says. The home owner replies, "Cow? I don't own a cow, I just have a bull."
The intelligent dog
Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero's escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
Excuse me, she said, tapping Roxy's owner on the shoulder, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it!
Yes, he's surprised me, too, said the owner. He hated the book.
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
The warning sign
There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
A dog goes into a hardware store...
...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
A rich man and a horse
There was a rich man that was driving past a farm, He looked over and saw a beautiful stallion standing in the field. The rich man thought, Wow I gotta have him so he pulled into the farm's entrance. He found the owner and said, "I want that horse out yonder in that field, how much do you want for him?" Well, the farmer said, "He don't look to good." Nonsense said the rich man "I'll pay you $1000 for him." But he don't look to good said the farmer. The rich man sighed and said $2000 dollars is my final offer. The farmer sold the beautiful horse to the rich man. Then one week later the rich man came back angry as ever and said, "Darn you you sold me a blind horse!" Then the farmer smiled and said "I told you, he didn't look too good!"
A Mexican Joke
A Mexican man finds a much needed job and asks the owner to hire him. The owner says he'll hire him ONLY if he can come up with a sentence using 3 words of his choice. The words are Green, Pink and Yellow. So the Mexican thinks for a second then replies (read in a Spanish accent) the phone goes Green Green, so I Pink it up and say Yellow?
Jajaja
Another blonde joke.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A man walks into a bar ...
And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.
"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"
The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"
"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"
"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.
"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.
"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money...
decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A lady at a tea shop
A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"
The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
A guy walks into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.
The bartender stops him and says "I'm Polish. You see the guy over there - he's the owner of this bar and he's Polish. You see these two big guys drinking beer beside you - they're Polish. You still want to tell your joke?" The guy thinks about it and says "No, I don't want to tell it anymore. Nobody will get it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?
Their owner.
What letter do pirate's hate the most?
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door.
- How is it?
- I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?
A Russian goes to a watchmaker.
He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."
A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing
He does this every day consecutive for a week. Finally the pharmacy owner asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he returns. Sure enough the man returns the next day and walks out laughing once again. The assistant follows him and returns about half an hour later. When the pharmacist asked where he had followed him the assistant simply replied "your house".
An Inuit man walks into a pet store...
An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."
I once worked in a helium factory
It wasn't a very nice job, because of the leaks, but the owner was very sympathetic and we all spoke highly of her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A zombie walks into a brain store
On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"
How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically
A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it
The toilet brush
A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Look, d**..., I've got your phone!
Owner looks at iPhone, iPhone unlocks, thief runs off with it.
Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..!
Ranch owner: Round them up
Cowboy: Ok 20, then!
Race for mobile phone.
Person 1 : Hey nice mobile phone. How much you bought it for?
Person 2: I won it in a race.
Person 1: Race? What kind of race? How many people were running?
Person 2: Well, the mobile shop owner, 3 cops and I.
A guy walks into a bar...
...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.
"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"
"He's upstairs with my wife."
"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."
A man told his friend he won an iPhone in a race.
The friend says "Oh, wow! How many people were in the race?"
and the man says "Just the policeman, the phone's owner and I."
I'm selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50
Issue: the owner is calling
A robber went into someone's house and stole all the lamps
To his surprise, he later found the owner of said house de-lighted
Pet shop
Have you got any kittens going cheap? Asked a customer in a pet shop.
No, sir, replied the owner. All our kittens go Meow.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Washington r**... finally decided to drop their offensive name.
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL r**..., has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The r**...." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...
He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke
Man: Don't be silly, you're a dog
Dog: Oh, go on
Man: You're a dog, you won't understand
Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese
Man: OK. Knock Knock
Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The owner of the local s**... club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
home invader
A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."
"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...
A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"
Christian Horse
A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."
Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop.
Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, Bill said, "Phew, Praise the Lord!"
In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.
Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'
'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'
Cheaper Pub in the World
Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;
‟That will be $0.05 please sir .
‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too
‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir .
‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps .
‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together .
‟This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I would like to thank him .
‟Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife .
‟...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?
‟Same thing I'm doing down here with his business .
A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!
The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....
Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...
The Mosque denied all responsibility!
So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!
The case is hereby dismissed!
When I was traveling in Japan, I asked a shopkeeper, "This apple is from Fukushima, isn't it?"
"Why do you ask that?" Said the owner.
"Yeah, why do you ask that?" Said the apple.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl goes to the pet store
She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.
Well sure sweetie! He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny did you have in mind?
So the little girl looks over the bunnies and then back to the pet store owner and replies, quite frankly mister I don't think my snake gives a d**....
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage
The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.
I found a used football in a second hand store...
I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".
A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."
The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sells the bear the beer. "You know," says the clerk, "we don't get many bears around here." To which the bear replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
I saw an advert selling a trained police dog for £25 in the local paper, saw a bargain and bought it.
When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.
I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'
The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'
A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.
The owner asks him What makes you think you're qualified for a job here?
The man replies: Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.
The owner is shocked and confused: Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?
The man replied: I'm trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.
The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.
Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pharmacy
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what? s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once. " "Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough. "
