The Best 67 Owned Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Owned jokes. There are some owned showroom jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these owned ilene puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Owned Jokes and Puns

TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon

Manny Petty

In high school math class ...

I owned a car and I was good at calculus. They made me the "designated deriver".

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

Owned joke, A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.

Duck billed platypus.

An elderly man in Saskatchewan.

An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Snail Racing

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish

Owned joke, Snail Racing

The half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12

Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.

The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.

They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.

The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".

The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.

"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.

"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"

Todd Akin

If Todd Akin owned a winery it would be called "The Legitimate Grape"

The old Man's Pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

You can explore owned tycoon reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean owned property dad jokes. There are also owned puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith

thank god i was dragged out by the smiths

Permanent erection

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is one third ownership in the store and 3000 Dollars a month in living expenses."

A man owned a small farm

A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.

What do you call a bakery owned by a redhead?

A Ginger Bread-House

Owned joke, What do you call a bakery owned by a redhead?

A penguin's car breaks down

He pulls over to a shop owned by a walrus who tells him he'll look at it. The Penguin takes a stroll and buys a vanilla treat.

The Penguin gets back and the Walrus say

"Looks like you've blown a seal"

The Penguin wipes his chin and says..

"No, No, it's just ice cream."

I've never owned a telescope...

But it's something I'm thinking of looking into

What is a crevice that is owned by someone and not allowed to be stepped into?

None of your abyss-ness


A koala, a bear and a panda owned tea shops...

But which one was the best?
The Koala's, as it was the most Koala-Tea.

I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

If Great Britian leaves the EU then it will be like its own Hong Kong

Owned by the British, surprisingly prosperous for its size, and desperately longing to be white.

My father owned a body removal business

He lifted a lot of dead weight

Like a Boss - Employee Gets Owned!

Boss: "Send me one of your funny jokes."

Employee: "I'm working at the moment. I will send you one later."

Boss: "That was fantastic! Send me another one!"

What's the difference between a trump supporter and a newly adopted Siberian husky?

The dog has the mental fortitude to realize he's just gotten owned by a Russian.

Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant?

The Sioux chef

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
-

I once hired a beggar for my business

I once owned a little cafe. This beggar always stands in front of my door. Out of the goodness of my heart, I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer. He could never get it right. And that's when it hit me. Beggars can't be juicers.

What do you call a triangle that got OWNED?

A rectangle.

This guy on Call of Duty said he was going to own me just like he owned my mom last night...

... Joke's on him. I have two dads.

I met a lovely woman today

and she owned a taser......DAMN she was stunning!

Cat ownership is like the economy

50% of cats are owned by the top 1% of cat lovers

An insecure farmer didn't know how many cows he owned...

...so he counted them all, and came to the total of 196 cows. He asked a neighbouring farmer for a second opinion. She came up with a total of 200 cows.

Perplexed by this, the man counted again, and once again came up with 196 cows. He once again asked his neighbour to count them. Again, she reached 200 cows. When he asked her how they were getting different numbers, she said

"I rounded them up."

How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.

When it was finished the owner inspected the work.

He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it

A man went back to a pet store fuming.

"Excuse me," he said to the pet shop owner. "That trained monkey you sold me yesterday died!"

"Wow," the owner replied. "He could never do that trick when I owned him."

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

Back in the day...

Back in the day, everyone had a horse and only rich people owned cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich own horses. I guess you could say, the stables have turned

A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.

But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels. He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.

The problem, she said, is that's a piece of prime real estate.

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

I knew a woman who owned a taser

man was she stunning!

I keep hearing about Occam's razor, but i don't know what it is.

Most likely, it's a razor owned by someone named Occam.

Having owned a few casinos,

Trump should have known that the House always wins

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith...

As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.

When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity.

I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.

It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

Did you hear about the charity for dogs owned by farmers?

It's called the B.I. NGO

Why was the ship named 3.14?

Because it was owned by π-rates

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem..

He says- "Give me two shots.."
The bartender cuts him off says, "You only got one shot."

Upon my fathers death bed he handed me...

A wooden pirates peg filled with water. He told me that it was owned by his father and his fathers father and his fathers fathers father and now it was mine.

I asked him what it was and he told me....

It was our families leg o' sea.

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

An old man owned a dolphin

A few kids went to the old man and asked

"Why do you own a dolphin?"

The old man smiled and said

"When I was younger my dreams were crushed so I bought a dolphin."

He smiled.

"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."

DOCTOR WHO: I have a time machine.

**DOCTOR WHOM:** the time machine is owned by me.

>!**DOCTOR WHOMST:** the time apparatus hereby hath mine name.!<

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up. The man replies Morning or afternoon? The dealer says Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make? The man replies Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.

My mother owned a massage company, and I took her place once she retired.

I guess it rubbed off on me.

A girl in Japan had an older sister who owned a car company. What was that company?

Nee-san

A drummer needed a car, but only had $200

A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.

You're in luck, the friend told the drummer. I've got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small problem: it doesn't have any doors.

The drummer let out a mournful sigh and said that's no good – how'm I gonna get in?

If I owned a DeLorean...

...I'd probably only drive it from time to time.

I pulled this out of my ass one day but here goes....

My dad: I've seen that news girl on another weather channel.

Me: They must be owned by the same umbrella company.

What do you call a dog owned by a Mandalorian?

Boba Pett.

Did you hear about the Hooters that's owned and operated by bears?

There are some big ole Teddies in there

If I Owned Texas

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell" - General Philip H. Sheridan

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them Jays here but Jacks off all day.

Henry Ford owned a brothel

He packed the brothel with the most beautiful women in Detroit. Any man could come in and take one out on a date. They were known as the Ford Escorts.

Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?

It was owned by Germans

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the owned manufacturer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working owned lucrative piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes