Own Goal Jokes
140 own goal jokes and hilarious own goal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about own goal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Own Goal Short Jokes
Short own goal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The own goal humour may include short score goal jokes also.
- TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught. It's called the Tour de France.
- I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world! The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content
- I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich. Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.
- Why do old people like golf? Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
- When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I've finally achieved half of the goal. I turned 40.
- In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg... That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!
- Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven. A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow." - My boss got a new car... ..."Wow! that's a really nice car boss!"
"Lemme tell you something. If you set goals, work hard, and act determined, I can get an even better one next year." - the miracle of being a teen mom when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.
- Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night! That Suess guy really makes some great reads!
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Own Goal One Liners
Which own goal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with own goal? I can suggest the ones about scoring goal and goal.
- I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go
- What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal? A keeper
- I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was. My dad beat me
- I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds Only 30 more to go and I'm there!
- What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
- I did it! I followed my goal to save $20 from each paycheck in 2020. I have $60.
- Our goal was to play D&D all day today but... No dice.
- How do you keep bears out of your backyard? You install goal posts.
- What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player? To have no goal in life.
- How do schools of fish meet their annual goals? They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.
- This years goal was to lose 15lb Only 20lb to go...
- What is an evil cow's ultimate goal? Udder mayhem
- Soccer is a strange game. Soccer is a bunch of people running away from their goals.
- What do vasectomies and breathalyzers have in common? The goal is to blow a zero.
- My one ambition in life: Set myself more goals.
Own Goal Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about own goal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean goals scored jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make own goal pranks.
If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were.
I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn't get a job because he couldn't tie a tie. She meant goals
I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it's very relevant to my life...
Little to no goals.
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.
The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."
The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"
Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick.
"Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know, I've only had him for two years."
2 Poles are watching a Football game...
There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says:
-I bet you 20 bucks he will not score
-You are on - Replies the second one.
The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first
pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying:
-I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money.
-I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.
How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?
Paint a goal line on your driveway.
Its the Christians vs Muslims football game...
and the Christians score a goal. From his seat in heaven, surrounded by angels, God cheers.
after a while the Muslims score a goal. Again God cheers. The angels are now confused... "Whose side are you on, Lord?", they ask. "Niether", replies God, "I am just enjoying the game."
(modified from Catholics vs Protestants)
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a woman with no legs?
Noelene.
What do you call a woman standing between two buildings?
Elaine.
What do you call a woman standing in between goal posts?
Annette.
I have one goal in life.
To be shot by a jealous husband when I'm 100.
Pregnant Lady on the Train
A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"
How do you beat the Islanders?
Give 'em a 3 goal lead
Did Torres play for every other EPL club before Chelsea ?
.... Because he never celebrated scoring a goal.
My boss pulled up in an awesome new car today
"Wow, that's a really nice car, sir. I'd love to drive one of those..." I said.
He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, then I can get an even better one next year."
My boss pulled up to work in his brand new, expensive car...
I complimented him on it , and he said "well, if you set goals, you're determined, you work really hard and put in the long hours, I'll be able to afford an even better one next year"!
My boss bought an new car...
My boss bought a new sports car and parked it on his space while I was walking by him. I congratulated him to his newest purchase.
He said: "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Do Individual Atoms Have Goals?
Yes, but they don't matter.
Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?
It was a great U.S. attack from Midway
My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......
my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.
I reached my goal of shedding 137 pounds this week
It's nice being single again
Goals:
0) Start indexing at zero
Why did the boy fail to become a footballer ?
He didn't have any goal in his life
Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?
He ran his business on a skeleton crew.
Squad goals:
To have a squad
My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.
That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.
My goal is to become the oldest person on Earth
I know it sounds like a long shot, but I'm making progress every day.
Just now I achieved a new personal best!
Why did the Toucan achieve his goal?
Because Toucan, not Toucannot.
My boss was totally honest with me today...
He pulled up to work this morning in his sweet new sports car and when he saw me admiring it he said "Well, if you work really hard, set big goals and hit them, I can get an even nicer one next year!"
My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive...
which is why I lost my job at the h**... clinic
My boss pulled up in his awesome new car today
My boss pulled up in his awesome new car today and i complimented him on it.
He sat himself down on the corner of my desk, put his hand on my shoulder and he said, "Well, Ponyface, if you set goals, you're determined, you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog
The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
Despite all the hype, it was a mistake hiring a homeless personal trainer.
I've been high in tent city training every day, but its not helping with my goals.
Last year I was quite miserable and depressed, so I made it my new year's resolution to turn that around.
Thanks 2016, you helped me achieve my goal and made me depressed and miserable.
My goal for 2017....
....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013
My New Year Resolution of 2016
Is to achieve my goals of 2015
Which I had should have done in 2014
And promised in 2013
And planned in 2012
And to remember to write 2017 instead of 2016
The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner
A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"
My only goal in life is to be immortal
So far, so good
What was Jared from Subway's fitness goal?
Getting in to smaller pants
Relationship Goals
I want my relationship to be as long as a CVS receipt
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog......
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
What's the goal of a Jewish football game?
To get the quarter back.
Where's the red light district in Vancouver?
Behind the Canucks' goal net
I don't want to just get motivated. I want to be driven.
Like, literally, I want to recline in the passenger seat while someone is driving me to my goals.
Chewbacca's son enters his first hockey season
Chewbacca's son enters his first hockey season this year. With his impressive skating abilities and the number of goals he scored...
Its no wonder he won the wookie of the year award.
Sorry.
So i have this over the top gay friend..
He gets really screechy and table slappy when we watch hockey.
Slapping the table top and screeching in a high pitched feminine voice when his team scores a goal.
I wonder what in his past made him this way?
Was it caused by trauma?
Did he not get enough attention from his father?
Was he molested by his uncle?
Seriously people aren't just born Maple Leaf fans!
My friend told me one of her life goals is to have s**... in every state...
I can help her with "unconscious"
Which country have scored the most world cup goals?
The mongoals.
If a vegan becomes a vegetable, have they achieved their ultimate goal?
One of North Korea's long term goals has been to eradicate poverty.
It sounds way better than eradicating the impoverished.
"The goal of golf is to play less golf"
"Yes, but I get much more value for my money per s**..., and I get to explore parts of the golf course that were never meant to be explored."
Football players are so optimistic
They have such high goals
By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.
Avoiding LA traffic!
I don't get what the big deal is with spiders. Why is everyone so scared of them?
I got to know the spider living in the corner of my room. We talked about our dreams and goals, he wants to be a Web designer.
whats the difference between American soccer and Chilean football?
american soccer and Chilean football are pretty much the same except every goal the Chileans throw a communist from a helicopter.
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
Bagels
I took my girlfriend a breakfast sandwich this morning, I guess you could call that bae-goals
Did you know that the entire highway system was originally proposed to be an elevated 'skyway'?
The lofty goal had to be brought back to earth when it couldn't get enough support.
What's a geriatric?
A German footballer scoring three goals.
What is a cats greatest goal in life?
To have a Purrrposeful existence.
What is it called when a group of transgendered people have a specific goal?
A trans mission
My boss rolled into work in a sweet new ride...
I said "Nice car, I'd kill to drive one of those!". He says "Well, if you set realistic goals, work hard and are determined I can get an even better one next year".
My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number
I'm happy to say that I've achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.
I'm glad that Saudi Arabia didn't score any goal in football match against Russia few hours back
If not, their supporters would have yelled Allahu Akbar and the game would be stopped halfway.
Attempt to set world record o**... falls short of its goal ...
"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert
What did Messi say in his goodbye letter to the soccer goal
You will be missed