Overweight Jokes

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do."

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.

The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

Skip a Day

During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

A new test was conducted to study how fat Americans are getting; the test results are as follows:

60% are deemed overweight
30% are deemed morbidly obese
10% ate the test

How do you greet an overweight Micronesian when you're trying to sound cool?

Microsoft Word.

I go to the Jim every morning

Are you thin? Are you overweight? Are you fighting the battle of the bulge? Do you have a sedentary lifestyle? Are you plain lazy? Do you have someone or the other always telling you to go to the gym?
Here's something for you...
"Instead of calling my bathroom the John, I call it the Jim.
That way it sounds a lot better when I tell people I go to the Jim first thing every morning :-)"

An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise...

She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.

Did you hear about the overweight introvert who thought he had won the hot dog eating contest?

Turns out he was just a bit shy.

Why did the woman leave her overweight husband unconscious in a burning building?

Because she couldn't stand him.

A woman reports her husband's disappearance to the police . . .

They ask her for a description and she says "He's six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair."
Her friend says, "What are you talking about? Your husband is five-foot-four, bald and overweight."
And she says "Who wants that one back?"

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump race around the White House

The slightly younger and less overweight Hillary managed to win this one, and this is the response from major news networks:
NBC: "Hillary Clinton wins the race, while Donald Trump comes in last!"
FOX: "Donald Trump takes second place in the race, while Hillary Clinton only manages to beat one contestant!"

I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine...

I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an "all you can eat" place.

5% of toddlers are overweight

and they're called waddlers"

News: Trump would be honoured to meet North Korean dictator.

He's my kind of guy — crazy, overweight and has a ridiculous haircut. Said North Korea's dictator.

I was waiting in line at McDonald's

Finally, it was my turn
The overweight cashier said, 'Sorry for the wait'
I said, 'No worries, I'm sure you'll loose it with a workout'

How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend

My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".
Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".
To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.

A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store

the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, "why?" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door
"No trans fats"
(I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)

I have winter to thank for making me the man I am today.

Depressed and 20 pounds overweight.

A new survey claims that 74% of Louisiana households are now considered overweight

The rest just don't see it as a problem.

My roommate took his dog to the vet this morning and they told him that he was overweight.

And to make it worse, they said the dog is overweight too.

A very overweight man walks into a hospital and asks to book an appointment for lipo suction

The doctor replied: 'I'll see if I can squeeze you in.'

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

I worked up the courage to call out my overweight cat today.

I asked him "If you're such a fat cat, where is all your money?"

My overweight friend fell down the stairs

He was fine. everyone was concerned, however the floor was cracking up

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It's probably best to steer clear of saying, oh honey, lighten up.

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.
They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
"I understand." He says.
"Everyone in this room is fit except you. Do you think you are the lightest?" They ask.
He says, "Sir, I am closer to the lie test than any of you."

An overweight man goes to the doctor

The doctor says sir we need to talk about your weight. It's been a growing concern and I'm afraid if it gets worse, you'll have some major heart issues. I think it's time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?
The man goes please, enlighten me

Blonde Overweight

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight

These, of course, are only round figures

Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.

He is believed to be still on the run

Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.

Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When Jan returns, The doctor's amazed to see a loss of nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Jan nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.

That was strike four.

I think I cracked the overweight problem

# I think I cracked the overweight problem
Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do, I ordered a new weighing scale from Amazon. I was waiting this entire week for it to arrive. It finally arrived today. I just weighed myself, it's 69 now. I'm so proud of myself and the metric system.

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

When I was young, I was so overweight that my mom wouldn't let me take swimming lessons.

It wasn't because of my weight, it was because it was never more than a half an hour since I had eaten.

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and asks him where he went to high school and when he graduated. He tells her.
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, I think we were in school together."
"Really? What did you...uh...what did you teach?"

There was once a man who got an eye infection and had to get his eye removed, he could not afford a glass eye so his doctor made him a wooden one.

He was very self conscious about having a wood eye and as such he would only go to poorly lit bars to try to pick up chicks.
One night he was at such a bar and striking out with most of the women there, decided to have one final drink before leaving, as he is drinking he sees a woman who looks a little overweight and says to himself "I'll try one more time"
He then walks up to the woman and asks
"Excuse me but would you like to dance"
The woman jumps up excitedly and says
"Would I, would I"
He responds with
"fatass, fatass"