Overweight Jokes
97 overweight jokes and hilarious overweight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about overweight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Overweight Short Jokes
Short overweight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The overweight humour may include short obese jokes also.
- I before E Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.
- My doctor told me I'm overweight, I said, "I want a second opinion." He said, "OK, you're ugly too!"
- I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight. I said, "I want a second opinion."
He said, "Alright. You're ugly." - My girlfriend said "Can you compliment me for once?" She's rather overweight so I said "Don't be sad when people call you fat, you're bigger than that."
- Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december? The specific ocean.
- Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.
Happy new year! - What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt? A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.
- I told an overweight joke the other day A woman came up to me afterwards and said "You're fattist"
I looked her and said "actually.... - Studies have shown that women who are overweight Are more likely to outlive men that mention it.
- What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract? One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.
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Overweight One Liners
Which overweight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with overweight? I can suggest the ones about fat people and chubby.
- What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller.
- What do you call an overweight baby? Heavy infantry
- What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly? His Middle Girth
- Why Kim Jong-Un is overweight? Because he never had to run for office.
- What do you call an overweight Englishman? A Britonne
- Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight? They only eat French flies.
- Why are Republicans overweight? So they can own the lbs.
- My Chinese wife is very overweight. She weighs wonton.
- They arrested the overweight soap maker Apparently he was a big fat lyer.
- New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer than the men who mention it
- Why do you never trust overweight female drug dealers? Because they always cell-u-lite
- As an overweight guy, I love science. It teaches me that I matter more.
- What do you call an overweight bounty hunter? Boba Fat
- What do you call an overweight homosexual? Jigglypuff.
- You burn 26 calories a minute kissing. That's probably why I'm overweight.
Quirky and Hilarious Overweight Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about overweight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean putting on weight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make overweight pranks.
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic t**...?
He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
My former roommate was overweight so he asked me for a diet idea. I told him to stop eating after 8 PM.
He had dinner at 7 PM that day, and died of starvation a few days later.
Jim and his s**... life...
A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother
I go to the Jim every morning
Are you thin? Are you overweight? Are you fighting the battle of the bulge? Do you have a sedentary lifestyle? Are you plain lazy? Do you have someone or the other always telling you to go to the gym?
Here's something for you...
"Instead of calling my bathroom the John, I call it the Jim.
That way it sounds a lot better when I tell people I go to the Jim first thing every morning :-)"
An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise...
She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
How does a feminist know she's overweight?
She doesn't
Never make fun of an overweight person with a lisp.
They're probably thick and tired of it.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump race around the White House
The slightly younger and less overweight Hillary managed to win this one, and this is the response from major news networks:
NBC: "Hillary Clinton wins the race, while Donald Trump comes in last!"
FOX: "Donald Trump takes second place in the race, while Hillary Clinton only manages to beat one contestant!"
Did you hear about the overweight t**...?
His dying words were "Allahu snack bar!"
Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?
It was just a stage he was going through
I am a man of many tastes...
Unfortunately that's why I'm overweight
My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party..
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
What do you call an overweight crossdresser?
Trans fat.
You're also ugly.
Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.
I set up a restaurant for overweight people
I'm trying to cater for a wide audience
How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend
My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".
Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".
To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.
A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store
the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, "why?" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door
"No trans fats"
(I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)
Overweight
My doctor said I am overweight, I asked for a 2nd opinion. He said you're f**king ugly as well.
A man walks into a pub in Wales....
And sees two overweight women sitting at the bar. He approaches them, and asks Are you two girls from Britain? . To this, one of the women reply sternly It's Wales you idiot! . So, the man excuses himself, and asks them again: Sorry, are you two whales from Britain?
I have winter to thank for making me the man I am today.
Depressed and 20 pounds overweight.
Studies show that women that are overweight tend to live longer
Or at least longer than the men that point it out.
A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife
He tells the clerk, I'd like a bicycle built for two, and one for me.
What's the difference between l**... sold by an overweight transgender person and a food that raises bad cholesterol?
Nothing. They're both **trans fatty acid**.
What do you call and overweight Alien?
An extra-cholesterol
I had a great father figure growing up
I was Overweight and balding, school was tough :(
My roommate took his dog to the vet this morning and they told him that he was overweight.
And to make it worse, they said the dog is overweight too.
A very overweight man walks into a hospital and asks to book an appointment for lipo suction
The doctor replied: 'I'll see if I can squeeze you in.'
What do you call an overweight Cajun conman?
A jumbo liar.
Credit to my boyfriend who is exceptionally punny.
Overweight gold diggers remind me of tech support
They're always trying to clear out your cookies and cache
I offered to give my daughter a lift to school.
"Come on," said my wife, "she's big enough to take the bus by herself."
I said, "That's harsh. She's not *that* overweight."
My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.
When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.
I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.
But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.
I used to be overweight.
A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in line behind me. The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"
I looked at him and replied, "Well, every time I fu\*\*ed your mother, she gave me a Cookie."
When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...
It's probably best to steer clear of saying, oh honey, lighten up.
Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.
Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.
An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.
This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.
They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
"I understand." He says.
"Everyone in this room is fit except you. Do you think you are the lightest?" They ask.
He says, "Sir, I am closer to the lie test than any of you."
What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?
A meaty-urologist
An overweight man goes to the doctor
The doctor says sir we need to talk about your weight. It's been a growing concern and I'm afraid if it gets worse, you'll have some major heart issues. I think it's time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?
The man goes please, enlighten me
My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee
he didn't work out
Blonde Overweight
A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight
These, of course, are only round figures
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
What is the best country for overweight people?
Bulge-area
Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.
He is believed to be still on the run
Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.
Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When Jan returns, The doctor's amazed to see a loss of nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Jan nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Complimenting the wife
An Irish man's wife is standing n**... in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.
"Oh p**..., look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me t**... are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.
"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel better about meself?"
p**... looks up from his book and says to his wife,
"Ah well... at least we know ye have perfect eyesight!"
My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.
That was strike four.
I think I cracked the overweight problem
# I think I cracked the overweight problem
Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do, I ordered a new weighing scale from Amazon. I was waiting this entire week for it to arrive. It finally arrived today. I just weighed myself, it's 69 now. I'm so proud of myself and the metric system.
I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?
She said sorry, we only have mediums
When I was young, I was so overweight that my mom wouldn't let me take swimming lessons.
It wasn't because of my weight, it was because it was never more than a half an hour since I had eaten.
A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.
When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and asks him where he went to high school and when he graduated. He tells her.
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, I think we were in school together."
"Really? What did you...uh...what did you teach?"
I feel kinda sorry for overweight dominatrixes
....always getting picked last for kickballs
what do Germans call an overweight person?
g**...
What do you call an overweight urinary doctor?
A meteorologist
There was once a man who got an eye infection and had to get his eye removed, he could not afford a glass eye so his doctor made him a wooden one.
He was very self conscious about having a wood eye and as such he would only go to poorly lit bars to try to pick up chicks.
One night he was at such a bar and striking out with most of the women there, decided to have one final drink before leaving, as he is drinking he sees a woman who looks a little overweight and says to himself "I'll try one more time"
He then walks up to the woman and asks
"Excuse me but would you like to dance"
The woman jumps up excitedly and says
"Would I, would I"
He responds with
"fatass, fatass"
