Overheard Jokes

Following is our collection of heard humor and whisper one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Overheard puns for adults, dirty overhear jokes or clean talk gags for kids.

There is an abundance of vulgar jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 62 funniest jokes on overheard. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any conversation witze you can hear about overheard.

The Best jokes about Overheard

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.


She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

So there were two larger girls at the bar...

I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent.

I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?'

One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!'

'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day...

I said "you disgust me"

"Yes, we did" they replied.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.


A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"

-"Drugs"

-"Addicted"

-"Alcohol"

-"Addicted"

-"What slapped you across the face last night? "

" Addicted"

I overheard my wife singing in the shower.

"You should go on America's Got Talent," I told her.

"I can't sing," she replied.

I said, "Exactly."

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!


(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

Overheard in line for a movie...

Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"

Teenage boy: "October 12th."

Employee: "What year?"

Boy: "Every year."


I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.

The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low'

I wonder if mormons support the transgendered?

If they did, they could go on a transmission!

-- authentic dadjoke overheard at breakfast

Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.

Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?

Dude2: You dont want to do that.

Dude1: Why?

Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."

So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

Overheard while standing in line at the grocery store.

A woman was standing in line talking on her cell phone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up he turns to her:

Man: "I didn't want to say anything while you were on the phone but you are in America now. You need to speak English."

Woman: "Excuse me?"

Man: *talks slow-* If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English."

Woman: "Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."

Hear the one about the miscarriage?

I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong


A white man sits down at the bar...

He overheard a blonde and redhead talking.
The blonde says to the redhead, "What kind of guys do you have the best sex with?" The redhead says "Native Americans. Their penises aren't the longest, but they're so wide and just hits all the right spots."
The man smiles and orders them a couple of drinks.
Then the redhead says to the blonde, what about you?" The blonde says, "Mexicans. Their penises aren't that wide but they're long and can hit the deep spots just right."
The man orders them another round of drinks.
They blonde says, "Hey mister! Thanks for the drinks! By the way, what's your name?"
He smiles and says, "Tonto Rodriguez."

So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard.

The exam the next morning sucked.

Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can pole vault

In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustache!".

Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.

- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with the tyrant with a moustache!""? - Stalin asks.

- Well of course i meant Hitler!

- Very good, comrade, you are free to go.

Man walks away, Beria tries to do so too, but Stalin stops him:

- Not so fast, comrade Beria. Tell me, who did YOU have in mind?

Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:

Santa: Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top.

Now, every year he has to keep doing the bullshit lie he told.

I just overheard a co-worker announce she got tickets to a Nickelback concert.

That's all, she was completely serious.

At the State Fair....

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars! "


Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over and over again, but still not a word. They tierra and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but like Martha always said, ten dollars is ten dollars."

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, Man, you really look tired..

His buddy says, Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.

Breakfast Wife

(Overheard at work)

I was eating breakfast at a dinner with the old lady when the man at the next booth says to his wife, "Please pass the sugar, sugar".

A short time later at the booth on the opposite side of me, the man says to his wife, "Please pass the honey, honey".

Annoyed, my wife says to me "How come you never talk sweet to me like that?"
"Ok", I say, "Please pass the bacon, pig."

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.

Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

A boy tells his father that humans are cruel

"Hmm okay, but why?" asked the father.

"Well some people out there are hanging horses" said the son.

The father let out a confused chuckle, "What do you mean people are hanging horses?!"

The son tells him "well I overheard mum telling her friend that the plumber who came over to fix the drain pipes was hung like a horse."

Prejudiced..

A few nights ago, I was at a bar having a lively debate with a few mates when a woman from the next table walks over and starts shouting at me. I'm not entirely sure which part of the discussion she had overheard, but she started accusing me of being prejudiced against certain races -- which I am.


I said to her, "I'm sorry, but I do personally think that certain races are just inherently stupid and pointless and we need to get rid of them."


In a really uppity tone, she says, "Oh, really? Can you give me some examples?"


I said, "Sure. The egg-and-spoon ... the three-legged ..."

I know all about it.

One day little timmy overheard a conversation on the bus where a man was telling his friend how he would get his wife to tell him whatever he wanted by saying "i know all about it"

Taking the knowledge of these words little timmy went home and was
greeted by his mother, to which he said "i know all about it" shocked the mother said "i didn't want you to find out about that so heres $20 if you don't tell your father".

So little timmy went up to his father and after his father greeted him little timmy said "i know all about it", his father was confused for a minute and then quietly said "don't tell your mother about this" and gave him $40.

Rather proud of himself timmy walked out the door to spend his money, Upon leaving the house timmy saw the mailman and thought he would try his luck one last time, So he looked the mailman dead in the eyes and said "i know all about it".Immediatly the mailman said "hello son".

I was at Walgreens this morning and I overheard an 80+ year old man tell a joke to the cashier. You know the thing about dating now is...

I never get to meet their parents!

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Buddy replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

How come no baby train?

Back then, my father took a ride on the Union Pacific, and he overheard this conversation between a mother and her little girl:

β€” Mommy, mommy, how come the big cow in the field has a baby cow with her, the big horse in the field has a baby horse, but the big train doesn't have a baby train?

β€” I dunno, sweetheart. I guess you should ask the conductor. Well, here he comes!

The conductor comes around, and as he goes by the little girl's seat, she asks him:

β€” Mister conductor, how come the big cow in the field has a baby cow with her, the big horse in the field has a baby horse, but the big train doesn't have a baby train?

β€” My little girl, that's because Union Pacific always pulls out on time!

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland? One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It's Wales you fool! So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

cr

A Colonel's wife was walking her dog in a military base.

She was pleased by the snappy salutes she received from a couple of soldiers who passed by.

The effect was lost when she overheard one soldier ask the other, "who is she?" and the other answered, "Don't know...but it is the colonel's dog!"

LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

I'm officially putting my GPA up for adoption...

I just can't raise it myself

[joke credit to the girl I overheard say it in the library]

A fellow was boasting that he was born an Englishman and would die an Englishman.

A passing Scot overheard and stopped to ask,

"Dear God, man, have ye no ambition?!"

The VA Doctors don't appreciate the nurses there. (Overheard this great joke while visiting Grandpa)

What is the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet?

* A bullet can draw blood

* A bullet can be fired

* A bullet can only kill one person

Overhearing my ex...

I once overheard my ex tell her best friend that I was a stalker.
Nearly made me mad enough to come out of her closet
and give her a piece of my mind.

Overheard the neighbors kid

You're on a unicorn. Behind you there is a big bear, on one side a roaring lion, on the other side a charging elephant, and in front of you a dragon. How do you get out of this alive?

Get your drunk ass off the Merrygoround!!!!

Human thought

A teacher is teaching the kids that there is nothing quicker than a human thought. All of a sudden, one of the kids gets up and says that she is wrong, so the teacher asks, "What could be quicker, then?"

The kid then says, "Well, last night I overheard my parents having sex as I was passing by the bedroom. After a short while I heard my dad say, 'Shit, I came quicker than I thought.'"

An egoist, a feminist and a Socialist walk into a bar...

An egotist, a feminist, and a Socialist walk into a bar.
The bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, "You guys would be great presidential candidates." They took him seriously...

...apparently America did too.

My neighbor started yelling at my parents randomly

It turns out that ten years and eight months ago my parents broke his bed and never repaid him. I overheard my dad screaming and he said,"Oh we should pay you? You're lucky we aren't taking you to court! That accident happened on YOUR property!" I didn't know what he ment, so I just shrugged and blew out my candles.

I overheard two people having a argument about vaccines.

Guy 1: How could people even think that vaccines are harmful?

Guy 2: Well when I was young my parents did an experiment they got me vaccinated and my twin was vaccination free.
Now I have had many sicknesses while my brother had almost none!

Guy 1: Wait I never knew you had a twin.

Guy 2: Oh yes I did, but he died when we where young.

Just overheard a young boy tell his friend this joke

What do you call a corn dog with no legs?

A *corn dog*, stupid! Corn dogs don't have legs!

Overheard at Starbucks:

Man: Would you like to try a pumpkin spice latte?

Woman: No. Since Trump came on the scene I am boycotting everything orange.

Why was the hospital patient feeling so self-conscious?

She overheard the doctors keep saying ICU.

I think that cop had a great time yesterday

I overheard him say he was out all night clubbing

|

While helping some freshmen check into their dorms at our state college I overheard a couple of new co-eds rate me as a six.

It really saddens me that our public school systems are only teaching kids to count to six.

A father is lying on his death bed...

A father is lying on his death bed with his three sons and wife surrounding him. He says to the first son, Now that I'm passing I want you to take all the houses I have on the east side of Main Street.

He points to the second son and says, And you will have all the houses on the west side of Main Street.

Lastly he points to the third son and says, You will have the entire apartment complex at the end of the Main Street.

The nurse, having overheard the conversation, leans into the wife and says, Wow, your husband must have been a hugely successful person.

The wife responds, oh yeah, a *real* success. The jackass is talking about his paper route.

Overheard at a gay bar

"Let me push that stool in for you"

A lady waits for the bus

An old Soviet lady has been waiting for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in.

When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, thank God!" The driver overheard her and said, "Mother, you must not say that, You must say 'thank comrade Stalin'."

"Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me."

After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?" "Well, then you may say, 'Thank God!'"

Overheard my boss say this to our secretary..

What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?

One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.

I was on the beach with my wife.

"My business is failing, nobody is buying my product," I told her.

An old man, who was completely naked, overheard and walked over. He said, "That's interesting."

"You are completely naked," I frowned, "There are children on this beach."

He said, "Well at least I know my target market."

A woman has lived through an abusive relationship with her husband for 10 years.

The husband has beaten her many times over the course of their marriage. Finally, she decides to get a divorce. Everything goes through as normal, and soon she's on her own again. As she is leaving the courthouse, a stranger stops her, having overheard the proceedings.



"What do you want?" the lady asks him.



"I heard of your problems in marriage... let me give you a little piece of advice. If you decide to remarry, do it with a player from the Cleveland Browns," the stranger says.



"Why?



"Isn't it obvious? The Cleveland Browns don't beat anybody."

(Overheard at work) I'm not saying 2020 has been a long year...

But we just celebrated my son's third birthday and he was born in January.

Overheard on the organ black market

"Got awful grammar? Buy this colon!"

I overheard a grown man call a trebuchet a catapult. I got really angry with him at first, but I learned something.

He weighed exactly 90kg.

You probably need glasses.

- What?
- I SAID, YOU PROBABLY NEED GLASSES!
- Ohh... Yeah.
- Also a hearing aid.
- What?

Just overheard this in a local McDonald's

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes