overheard Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious overheard puns

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Female Scotties

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

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i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

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So there were two larger girls at the bar...

I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent.

I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?'

One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!'

'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

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I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day...

I said "you disgust me"

"Yes, we did" they replied.

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An 8 year old girl cuts her hand on a thorn...

...and rushes inside shouting "Mommy, Mommy! I've cut my hand on a thorn! Can you get me some cider?"

Confused, her mother says "You're 8 years old, you're not having any cider."

"But Mommy, I've cut my hand on a thorn! I need to soak it in a bowl of cider!"

Laughing, her mother says "Why cider?"

"Because the other day I overheard big sis saying that when she gets a big prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider!"

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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent, lilting and song-like, appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

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A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

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I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"

-"Drugs"

-"Addicted"

-"Alcohol"

-"Addicted"

-"What slapped you across the face last night? "

" Addicted"

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I overheard my wife singing in the shower.

"You should go on America's Got Talent," I told her.

"I can't sing," she replied.

I said, "Exactly."

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I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!


(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).

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Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

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Overheard in line for a movie...

Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"

Teenage boy: "October 12th."

Employee: "What year?"

Boy: "Every year."

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I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.

The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low'

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I wonder if mormons support the transgendered?

If they did, they could go on a transmission!

-- authentic dadjoke overheard at breakfast

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A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fucking missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck, I missed". The priest said, "That's it god will certainly strike you down."

Suddenly, the skies darkened, thunder boomed and a bolt of lightning came down...but it hit the priest. From the heavens a deep voice said, "Oh fuck I missed".

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A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn't get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said I overheard my big sister talking to her friend the other day and she said whenever she gets a prick in her hand she cant wait to put it in cider

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Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

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Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.

Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?

Dude2: You dont want to do that.

Dude1: Why?

Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?

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A little girl came running into the house crying...

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider? " asked Mom. "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work! " she yelled. "What do you mean? " asked Mom. "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider. "

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A sailor and a Priest go golfing

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed."

Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck'n missed again."

The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck…"

The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".

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I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."

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A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."

So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

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Overheard while standing in line at the grocery store.

A woman was standing in line talking on her cell phone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up he turns to her:

Man: "I didn't want to say anything while you were on the phone but you are in America now. You need to speak English."

Woman: "Excuse me?"

Man: *talks slow-* If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English."

Woman: "Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."

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Hear the one about the miscarriage?

I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong

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So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard.

The exam the next morning sucked.

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A white man sits down at the bar...

He overheard a blonde and redhead talking.
The blonde says to the redhead, "What kind of guys do you have the best sex with?" The redhead says "Native Americans. Their penises aren't the longest, but they're so wide and just hits all the right spots."
The man smiles and orders them a couple of drinks.
Then the redhead says to the blonde, what about you?" The blonde says, "Mexicans. Their penises aren't that wide but they're long and can hit the deep spots just right."
The man orders them another round of drinks.
They blonde says, "Hey mister! Thanks for the drinks! By the way, what's your name?"
He smiles and says, "Tonto Rodriguez."

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Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can pole vault

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At the hospital... NSFW

At the hospital, I overheard two doctors discussing a patient that came in with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum.

They described the patient's condition as stable...

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My mate John just got back from a holiday in Egypt...

He said he had a great time riding camels. His was a female camel.
I asked him how he knew his was a female.
He replied. 'I overheard the guy behind me say.'
"Look at the cunt on that."

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Now Timmy please explain to the class why your cat is in your back pack ....

Well i couldn't leave him home, this morning i overheard my father tell my mom "I'm gonna eat that pussy as soon as the kids leave"

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Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:

Santa: Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top.

Now, every year he has to keep doing the bullshit lie he told.

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I overheard a joke a man told to his girlfriend

He said "Knock knock"
She responded with "Who's there?"
"Marry"
"Marry who?"
"Marry me"
She was very surprised, and said yes to him.

 

I decided to try this joke on my own girlfriend.
So I said "Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Marry"
"Who the fuck is this Mary bitch?"

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I just overheard a co-worker announce she got tickets to a Nickelback concert.

That's all, she was completely serious.

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What are the most funny Overheard jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Overheard? Well, here are the best Overheard dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Overheard pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes