Outta Jokes

What are some Outta jokes?

adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty


Judge: What?


Me: I had it legally changed.


Judge: You're Not Guilty?


Me: Thanks, I'm outta here

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me

Gold and Silver walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"

So Gold left.

Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in.

Silver yells " au, get outta here! "

One from the 1970's . . .

What's uptight, outta sight and in the groove?

A tampon.

You know what they say. Big hands, big feet...

Two outta three ain't bad!

If you fall outta your car in your driveway,

it's your own asphalt.

Guy comes home and says to his wife, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

She jumps for joy and asks, "Where are we going?!?"

He says, "I'm not going anywhere. You're outta here!"

Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, an old man, and a young boy are flying on a plane that's about crash but there are only 3 parachutes.

Brad Pitt, grabbing a parachute, says: "I'm sorry, guys. My kids need me, my fans need me, I'm outta here." He jumps.

Donald Trump says: "I'm sorry, too, but I'm going to be the smartest president to ever govern the United States." He jumps.

Finally, the old man says to the boy: "You know what? I lived my life to the fullest, now it's your turn. Go ahead and take the last parachute." The boy looks at the man and responds: "There's no need for that. The smartest president ever just took my school bag."

A string walks into a bar. . .

String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.

Bartender: Didn't you see the sign?!? We don't serve strings!! Get outta here!!

Agitated, but determined to get that double shot of tequila, the string secretly messes up his hair in a sad attempt of creating a disguise. He confidently walks back into the bar.

String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.

Bartender: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you that string that was just in here?

String: No, I'm a frayed knot.

How does Ice-Cube drink his milk?

Straight Outta Carton.

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking down the street when a young boy passes by

The priest exclaims "Let's screw him!"

The rabbi says "Outta what? He's a kid"

A New Yorker visits a Texan

The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.

"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."

"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"

Two homeless men...

were sitting under a bridge watching a dog lick its crotch.

One of the men said, "I wish I could do that!"
To which the other replied, "Oh no you don't! He took a bite outta my arm the last time I tried!"

A blind man walks into a lesbian biker bar...

Canes his way up to the bar, sits down and asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke.

The bartender says, "Well, before ya do I should warn ya. I'm blonde and I've got a knife in my purse... that server behind you is blonde and she's got a gun in her purse... the bouncer is an MMA fighter, she's blonde. Our cook just got outta jail for killing a man and -she's- blonde. Finally, the owner of this place is the meanest of us all and she's blonde too. Ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second and says, "Well....not now. I'll have to explain it 5 times."

A yooper WW2 Fighter Pilot visited a school to talk about his service

"In 19 and 42, da situation was really tough. The Germans, dey had a very strong Air Force. I remember dis one day I was protectin' da bombers and suddenly, from outta da clouds, dese fokkers appeared."

*At this point, several of the children giggle*

"I looked up, and right above me was one of da fokkers. I aimed at him and shot dat fokker down. Da fokkers was everywhere, dere was anoder fokker right behind me."

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company"

"Ya... ya... dat's true!" says the old pilot, "but dese fokkers was flyin' Messerschmidts."

A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down...

The bartender turns to him and says, Get outta here. We don't serve your kind. Mushroom says, Why not? I'm a fungi.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

...and the bartender says, "Hey! Get that thing outta here!"

The guy says, "Wait, wait, he's totally harmless. I've had this alligator since he was a baby and I've trained him to be completely under my control."

Dubious, the bartender says, "I don't know if I believe you, and I think it will still scare my customers, so please just leave."

"Listen," the man says. "If I can prove it to you and everyone in here that this alligator is completely harmless, will you let me stay and have a drink?"

So the bartender agrees, albeit a bit apprehensively, not sure what the man has in mind. The man then commands the alligator to open its mouth and the beast does. The man then sticks his head inside the alligator's gaping maw, and the crowd gasps, but the alligator doesn't bite down. Finally, the man pounds his fist on the top of the alligator's head three times and still the animal's jaws remain open.

The man removes his head from the alligator's mouth and says, "See, he's completely harmless. In fact, I can do this trick with anyone! Who here wants to give this a try?"

A blonde stands up in the back of the bar and says, "Okay, I'll give it a shot, but please don't hit me on the head that hard."

An office manager leaves before lunch every Friday...

Finally the girls realize she never comes back and decide to leave too.
The blonde one goes home to see her boss riding her husband and turns and runs out of the house.
The next Friday, as usual, the boss leaves and says, "I'll be back in a little while".
Again, one of the girls say, "that's it, lets get outta here".
The blonde just sits shaking her head and says, " no way! "
"Why not"?, asks one of the girls.
"Because", says the blonde, " last week I almost got caught!"

Times New Roman, Aerial, and Calibri walk into a bar.

The barman chases them out, yelling: "GET OUTTA HERE! WE DON'T SERVE YOUR TYPE!"

A priest and a rabbi

are walking down the street when they notice a little boy playing on a puddle.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "hey, let's go screw that kid!". To which the rabbi replies, "outta what?!"

A priest and a rabbi....

are walking down the street. They see a cute little boy coming towards them and the priest nudges the Rabbi and says "Hey, let's go f**K that little boy". The rabbi replies "outta vut"

A man wins the lottery and is of course extremely excited. He rushes home and tells his wife of 48 years "Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" The wife says "oh my god! Where are we going??"

The husband replies "I don't know where you're going, just be outta here by 5"

One hot summer day in the city...

A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.

One of the boys grabs the money and runs to the corner store as the other boys excitedly follow him. He runs into the store and buys a box of tampons.

The other boys are incredulous to see that he wasted the money on tampons and demand an explanation.

He holds up the box proudly "Look at all we can do! It says right here on the side of the box! Now we can go swimming!... We can go horse back riding!..."

Abortions........

Really suck the life outta you

What did Jimi Hendrix say when he was thrown into prison?

There must be some kinda way outta here.

Two lawyers are sitting in a bar...

... When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?" and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what?"

Strings

Three pieces of strings are standing outside a bar with the intention of having a drink. The first one walks in and the bartender asks, "are you a piece of string?". He answers, "yes". The bartender yells, "get outta my bar". The second goes in and the same thing happens. The third then says to the other two, "quick tie me into a frayed knot". They do so and he walks into the bar and the bartender asks, "are you a piece of string?". He says ,"No. I'm a frayed knot"

A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a park bench

A young boy ran past them. The priest asks hey, hey, how'd you like to screw that one? The rabbi turns and says outta what?

Two guys were walking down the street

Suddenly, A car comes outta nowhere and runs them over.

One of them died, and the other guy survived, so he gets up and starts complaining to the car's driver.
"What's wrong with you? learn to drive a car jackass"

the driver says "What are you complaining about? your friend here died and he's not saying a word"

The president is walking down a narrow hallway

Mitch McConnell was walking down the hallway in the same direction but, being half-tortoise, was moving far slower.

Trump pushes past him, shouting, "Get outta my way!"

McConnell says, "Pardon me, Mr. President."

Trump stops and turns around. "I didn't know you worked on my campaign. What did they get you for?"

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking behind a 3rd grader.

The priest says "hey we should screw that kid"
The rabbi says "outta what?'

What did the umpire say to the bald man?

"You're outta hair!"

OJ Simpson finally confessed!!!

They squeezed it outta him!

Dirtiest clean joke I know...

What did the egg say to the boiling water....? It's gonna take a minute for me to get hard, I just came outta this chik! :p

Stopped from going into a bar, dis is discrimination.

A brain and a jumper cable walked up to the bar, "I'm sorry , I can't serve you guys " said the barman,
Why? said the brain,

You're outta youre head and he is going to start something.

What did the bartender say to the gold when the gold walked into a bar?

"AU, get outta here!"

A rope walks into a bar

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here."

The rope leaves and cuts the top of his hair.

He comes back the next day and the bartender says, "are you that rope I kicked outta here yesterday?"

The rope says, "I'm a frayed knot."

Then he gets shot in the face.

How do you make a child fall asleep at night?

You scare the living daylights outta them.

I can take myself to lunch, I can pick myself flowers, I can buy myself chocolate, I can write cute Valentine's to myself, but autofellatio is still just...

outta reach

What did the alien say when he got to the end of the universe?

Nothing he just ran outta space..

What is the similarity between lemon and banana?

Can't make mango juice outta them.

Where does N.W.A get their notes on the scattering of photons off of electrons?

Straight Outta Compton

A priest and a rabbi...

are sitting on a bench in the park. The priest sees a child bend over to pick up a toy.
He says to the rabbi, "I really want to screw that kid."
The rabbi replies, "Outta what?"

Taking my 4 year old to see Straight Outta Compton.

I can't remember ever being this excited for a movie that's rated G.

What do you call the sequel to Straight Outta Compton about Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg?

The Next Episode

Two Hindus where at a party...

The first Hindu says, hey, this party blows harder than a snake charmer on the brink of unemployment. How about we get outta here?
The second Hindu replies, namaste

An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar... (credit goes to my buddy Rob from university)

.. they each order a pint of beer. The american finds a fly in his, and yells out so the whole bar hears, "This is disgusting, I'm outta here!" and storms out of the bar.

The Enlishman also finds a fly in his beer, but he politely asks the barkeep for another beer, if it's not too much trouble.

The Irishman.. he also finds a fly drowning in his beer (seriously? yeah seriously. It's a filthy bar). He picks it up by the wing, holds it over the glass and yells "Spit it oot!"

My dad's kinda racist. He gets anxious around people south of the USA. You outta see what happens when they get close.

He has Hispanic attacks.

What did the square say to the triangle?

You're outta line!

What did the shower say to the shampoo?

GET OUTTA HAIR!

What should you do when you see Rainman?

Open the umbrella man!

I'm outta here.

I won the lottery

and came home to tell my wife to pack her bags.
She asked where we were going. I said I don't know where you're going just be outta here by 5

The birds

What did one bird say to the other?

Say man, let's get the flock outta here!

What did the man say to get the rabbit out of his house?

Get outta hare!

This random brown dude on fb is insisting that i show him my husband

I told him that i cannot show Bob because he is outta town.

I went to the zoo to see the animals.

They were singing We Gotta Get Outta This Place .

Why do elephants have flat feet?

from jumpin' outta palm trees, duh

What did the one electron say to the other when it asked it out on a date?

Get outta here, I'm not attracted to you!

Jesus the carpenter

So the pastor was talking about Acts 2:35, and how God makes a footstool outta your enemies. Somebody from the back said, "figures, him being a carpenter and all". Everyone laughed.

Entered into a hot potato competition today.

It really got outta hand.

I just watched Meet the Parents again

And if I was Gay I would have been outta there

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street..

When they notice a little boy bending over to tie his shoe. The priest leans over to the rabbi and says "oh boy, I'd like to screw him" and the rabbi says "screw him outta vaut?"

How to make Outta jokes?

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