outta Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious outta puns

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:

"Beats the hell outta me"


My "go-to" joke in middle school. Mildly NSFW

Superman was flying around the city and was super horny. He spotted Wonder Woman lying on top of a building naked, with her legs spread. He figured he could fly down there, fuck her super fast, and be outta there before she even knew what happened. So Superman flew down at incredible speed, hit it hard and fast, and flew back out again.

"What was that?" Wonder Woman said.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man. "But my ass sure hurts!"


adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."


Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty

Judge: What?

Me: I had it legally changed.

Judge: You're Not Guilty?

Me: Thanks, I'm outta here


Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.


What about the kids?

A catholic school catches on fire and two priests first notice the flames & smoke.

"We gotta get outta here!" Says the first one.

"What about the kids?" Asks the second.

"Fuck the kids!" The first exclaims.

"But, do we have time?"


Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me


Gold and Silver walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"

So Gold left.


Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in.

Silver yells " au, get outta here! "


One from the 1970's . . .

What's uptight, outta sight and in the groove?

A tampon.


You know what they say. Big hands, big feet...

Two outta three ain't bad!


What's the difference between Global Warming and unprotected sex?

Nothing; they both feel great and scare the fuck outta me.


If you fall outta your car in your driveway,

it's your own asphalt.


What do you order an exorcist to do?

To get the hell outta here.


The day after the annual company Christmas blow out party...

John wakes up in his bed with the worst head pounding hangover ever. He also has no clue how he got there and has no recollection of anything from the previous night. After what seems like an hour long piss he makes his way outta his room to the kitchen where his wife sits at the table with a cup coffee poured for him.

As he sit down he says to her, "Jenny, this is terrible, I'm hungover and don't remember anything from last night. How was it as bad as I think?"

Worse Jenny says. "You make a complete ass clown out of yourself. You were talking shit and antagonizing your board of directors all night. Then you told the chairman to go fuck himself in front of everyone."

"Well, he's an arrogant fuckin ashole, piss on him."

"You did she said, all over him and he fired you"...

"Ah, fuck him", said John.

"I did, you're back on Monday."


A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string...

And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."

She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.

He replies,

"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."


Guy comes home and says to his wife, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

She jumps for joy and asks, "Where are we going?!?"

He says, "I'm not going anywhere. You're outta here!"


Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, an old man, and a young boy are flying on a plane that's about crash but there are only 3 parachutes.

Brad Pitt, grabbing a parachute, says: "I'm sorry, guys. My kids need me, my fans need me, I'm outta here." He jumps.

Donald Trump says: "I'm sorry, too, but I'm going to be the smartest president to ever govern the United States." He jumps.

Finally, the old man says to the boy: "You know what? I lived my life to the fullest, now it's your turn. Go ahead and take the last parachute." The boy looks at the man and responds: "There's no need for that. The smartest president ever just took my school bag."


A string walks into a bar. . .

String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.

Bartender: Didn't you see the sign?!? We don't serve strings!! Get outta here!!

Agitated, but determined to get that double shot of tequila, the string secretly messes up his hair in a sad attempt of creating a disguise. He confidently walks back into the bar.

String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.

Bartender: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you that string that was just in here?

String: No, I'm a frayed knot.


Three cops are sitting around the station bullshitting before a shift...

...and they are all discussing their best sex moves. The first cops says, "Guys I'll tell ya the best move. Keep a gun loaded with blanks in arms reach from your bed. When I was hitting my beauty from behind, I grabbed it outta my nightstand and fired a blank. She tightened up so fast, and we both came harder then we ever had before."

Amazed, the other two cops surely had thoughts of their own.

The following day, they were all sitting around shooting the shit, and the second cop says, "Damn, you were right, my wife was riding me reverse cow-girl. And right when she was getting into it the most, I grabbed my gun and fired a blank and WOW! She came so hard she cried in my arms."

The next day, the first two cops were standing around waiting for their buddy, and he never showed up. Another day passed and still no word. On the third day, the third cop shows up walking a little bow legged.

"What the hell happened to you?" Says the first cop.

"Well, I listened to you assholes. When me and my ol' lady were 69'ing I pulled my gun outta my nightstand, fired a blank, and she bit three inches off my dick and shit on my face."


How does Ice-Cube drink his milk?

Straight Outta Carton.


A little boy looks at his pregnant mom getting outta the shower and says...

"mom you look fat"

"it's because i have a baby growing inside me," she replies.

"then what the hell is growing in your arse?"


I wrote "Syria" on the front of my mathematics final...

Because I bombed the living fuck outta that.


So a Priest says to a Rabbi....

"Hey, we should go fuck those kids..."
and the Rabbi says: "Outta what?"


Why don't blind people bungie jump?

Cause it scares the fuck outta the dogs.


A Rabbi and a Priest are walking down the street when a young boy passes by

The priest exclaims "Let's screw him!"

The rabbi says "Outta what? He's a kid"


I used to be a plumber on the International Space Station

Shit was outta this world.


A New Yorker visits a Texan

The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.

"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."

"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"


Two homeless men...

were sitting under a bridge watching a dog lick its crotch.

One of the men said, "I wish I could do that!"
To which the other replied, "Oh no you don't! He took a bite outta my arm the last time I tried!"


A blind man walks into a lesbian biker bar...

Canes his way up to the bar, sits down and asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke.

The bartender says, "Well, before ya do I should warn ya. I'm blonde and I've got a knife in my purse... that server behind you is blonde and she's got a gun in her purse... the bouncer is an MMA fighter, she's blonde. Our cook just got outta jail for killing a man and -she's- blonde. Finally, the owner of this place is the meanest of us all and she's blonde too. Ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second and says, "Well....not now. I'll have to explain it 5 times."


2 cops walk into a bar....

I don't know what happened after that. I got the fuck outta there.


A yooper WW2 Fighter Pilot visited a school to talk about his service

"In 19 and 42, da situation was really tough. The Germans, dey had a very strong Air Force. I remember dis one day I was protectin' da bombers and suddenly, from outta da clouds, dese fokkers appeared."

*At this point, several of the children giggle*

"I looked up, and right above me was one of da fokkers. I aimed at him and shot dat fokker down. Da fokkers was everywhere, dere was anoder fokker right behind me."

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company"

"Ya... ya... dat's true!" says the old pilot, "but dese fokkers was flyin' Messerschmidts."


A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down...

The bartender turns to him and says, Get outta here. We don't serve your kind. Mushroom says, Why not? I'm a fungi.


A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

...and the bartender says, "Hey! Get that thing outta here!"

The guy says, "Wait, wait, he's totally harmless. I've had this alligator since he was a baby and I've trained him to be completely under my control."

Dubious, the bartender says, "I don't know if I believe you, and I think it will still scare my customers, so please just leave."

"Listen," the man says. "If I can prove it to you and everyone in here that this alligator is completely harmless, will you let me stay and have a drink?"

So the bartender agrees, albeit a bit apprehensively, not sure what the man has in mind. The man then commands the alligator to open its mouth and the beast does. The man then sticks his head inside the alligator's gaping maw, and the crowd gasps, but the alligator doesn't bite down. Finally, the man pounds his fist on the top of the alligator's head three times and still the animal's jaws remain open.

The man removes his head from the alligator's mouth and says, "See, he's completely harmless. In fact, I can do this trick with anyone! Who here wants to give this a try?"

A blonde stands up in the back of the bar and says, "Okay, I'll give it a shot, but please don't hit me on the head that hard."


An office manager leaves before lunch every Friday...

Finally the girls realize she never comes back and decide to leave too.
The blonde one goes home to see her boss riding her husband and turns and runs out of the house.
The next Friday, as usual, the boss leaves and says, "I'll be back in a little while".
Again, one of the girls say, "that's it, lets get outta here".
The blonde just sits shaking her head and says, " no way! "
"Why not"?, asks one of the girls.
"Because", says the blonde, " last week I almost got caught!"


What are the most funny Outta jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Outta? Well, here are the best Outta dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Outta pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes