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Ounce Jokes

41 ounce jokes and hilarious ounce puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ounce that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Ounce Short Jokes

Short ounce jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ounce humour may include short peak jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold? An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.
  2. How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs? Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.
  3. What's the difference between a baby and an ounce of Coke? Eric Clapton would never drop an ounce of Coke out of a window
  4. A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined.... Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak
  5. There was a royal baby... The royal baby was born 8 pounds, 6 ounces. With the exchange rate, that's like 12.50, American.
  6. What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers? The feathers.
    The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.
    The more you know...
  7. I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again. Turns out, he was completely right.
  8. Soda joke Why was the CEO of Pepsi fired?
    They caught him with an ounce of coke in his system.
  9. Every TSA agent should be re-tasked to a federal oversight taskforce over police brutality. See what cops think when they can't carry more than 3.4 ounces of pepper spray.
  10. My friends call me El Chapo... ...because I always keep at least an ounce of Burt's Bees lip balm on me at all times.

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Ounce One Liners

Which ounce one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ounce? I can suggest the ones about pong and singular.

  1. Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces? The quart room
  2. I asked for 1.5 ounces of free liquor, but the bartender said no. It was worth a shot.
  3. What's grey and comes in ounces? An elephant.
  4. With the brexit news, they say the pound is failing. They're calling it the ounce, now.
  5. What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous A sparrow with a machine gun
  6. Chuck Norris can make a pound cake with only an ounce.
  7. What's the pound's new name? The ounce
  8. I used to be a programmer But now I like ounces.
  9. The British government is renaming the pound They figured the ounce was more appropriate.
  10. The British Pound? You mean the British Ounce.
  11. I had to by my mother 144 ounces of coke. They were out of 2-liters.
  12. I'm hung like a baby 6 pounds 8 ounces.
  13. After #Brexit, the pound crashed... ...it's down to ten ounces.
  14. Since the Pound has lost so much value... ...maybe it should be renamed to the Ounce
  15. With the way Britain is going... The pound is looking more like the ounce.

Ounce joke, With the way Britain is going...

Rib-Tickling Ounce Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about ounce you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crepe jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ounce pranks.

A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.
The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling f**.... Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

A man sits down at a children's park

A man is sitting down at a bench enjoying some lunch during his lunch break. Overhead he watches children frolick and play. But then he sees a group of women quietly discussing (obviously) him.
Then all of the sudden one of the women confidently approaches the man. With an ounce of cockyness, in a bid to lure away the man, the women asks "So, which one is yours?"
The man replies "I haven't decided yet."

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

I had an ounce of w**... last week :)

But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

Sharp Retort

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, farts, and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

A man walks into a library

And says to the librarian "Hi! I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of w**... please."
The librarian says "Sir, this is a library!"
The man says "Sorry" and then leans in closely and whispers " I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of w**... please."

I would like to buy some w**...

Me: I would like to buy some w**...
Seller: *whispers* An ounce?
Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME w**...

Daring strategy

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I'll pretend to be gay. I'm going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven't got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I'll get their boyfriends!

Police and driver.

Police officer: Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I'm going to have to take away your driver's license.
Driver: You're kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!

Walked into my dealers house with a dollars worth in change and asked for four quarters worth of w**.......

Walked out with $225 in debt, an ounce of w**..., and a new job.

SWEET PERFUME

A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, 'What's that smell?'
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, 'Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce." She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent f**.... She turns to me and asks ,What's that smell?'
I say, "Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.'

A man is on his deathbed and he smells chocolate chip cookies baking.

He thinks, "If I could have just one cookie, I could die a happy man." So he gets out of bed, crawls down the hall, and with his last ounce of strength, reaches up to take a fresh cookie. But his wife smacks his hand with a spatula.
He says, "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the f**...."

An old man was laying on his death bed

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the f**...!"

Ounce joke, An old man was laying on his death bed