Ouch Jokes

91 ouch jokes and hilarious ouch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ouch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A collection of "Ouch," "Woops," "Huh," and "Whoa" jokes that are sure to make you laugh. Be prepared to chuckle at these cheeky and inventive jokes that don't take themselves too seriously.

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Funniest Ouch Short Jokes

Short ouch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ouch humour may include short itch jokes also.

  1. Two atoms are walking back home together... One of the atom stumbles and falls
    Atom: ouch, I think I just lost an electron.
    Atom 2: are you sure?
    Atom: I'm positive.
  2. A Jew wakes up with morning wood and runs right into a wall. What does he say? Ouch, my nose!
  3. a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. "ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?" said the girl. "no, we cant" the guy replied. "why?" "it's Haram, Bae"
  4. 2 cactuses are talking to each other One of them asks the other, "Hey, do you know how to speak the human language?"
    To which he responds, "yeah it's easy, they always say ouch!"
  5. What did frequency say to noise? Ouch! That hertz!
  6. What did the cell say to its sister when she stepped on its foot? Ouch! My toe, sis!
  7. A boy was snapping rubber bands on his friends arm He kept doing it in the same spot every second, over and over again until the friend eventually said, "Ouch, that one Hertz."
  8. A man, his wife, his kid, and his dog all walk into a bar. *Ouch!*
  9. What did the monitor say when it got punched? "Ouch, that Hertz!"
  10. My wife walked in on me... I was like "ouch get off" and she was like "what are you doing on the floor?!"

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Ouch One Liners

Which ouch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ouch? I can suggest the ones about pong and crepe.

  1. Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch
  2. Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch.
  3. 80% of my couch fell on my foot today. ...ouch.
  4. I'm pained to have to say this... Ouch
  5. How do ghosts obtain money? Via a polterheist. Ouch, the downvotes!
  6. My cake day, my favorite joke A man walk into a bar.

  7. I just lost 20% of my couch Ouch.
  8. A dyslexic arab walks into a bar ouch, says the other arab
  9. I've lost 20% of my couch ouch
  10. Man walks into a bar Says ouch
  11. A ventriloquist walks into a bar "Ouch", says the man next to him.
  12. A girl walks into the confession stand in a church... ...ouch !
  13. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? "Ouch."
  14. What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot? OUCH! MY-TOE-SIS!
  15. Three generations of prostitutes walk into a bar. "Ouch," they say.

Ouch joke, Three generations of prostitutes walk into a bar.

Rib-Tickling Ouch Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about ouch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean remaining jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ouch pranks.

Does your dog bite?

Man walking in a park, sees a woman sitting on a bench with a dog at her feet. He walks up to her...
Man: *Does your dog bite?*
Woman: *No*
Man goes and pets the dog, then...
*OUCH!!! I thought you said your dog didn't bite!!!*
Woman: *That's not my dog.*

A mouse and an elephant

A male mouse and female elephant, which are very much in love with each other, are having s**... in the jungle. Mr mouse does his best, but if course miss elephant didn't really enjoy it.
Monkeys up in the trees see the scene and decide to throw coconuts at them. Miss elephant is hit on the head and tell "ouch"
Mister mouse stops and asks, worried "Did I hurt you?"
(Translated from French, sorry for my English)

An Italian soccer player walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar. He says: *Ouch* .

"Hey Joe, I heard your mother-in-law died!"

"Well yes, that's true, Bob."
"What'd she have?"
"Just a small amount of money and a lot of old books"
"No, I mean, what was wrong?"
"Well, she hadn't written her will and testament yet."
"Not that! I mean, how'd she die?
"Ooh... Well, we were having dinner at her place, she went to the basement to get some potatoes, she fell down, and she broke her neck."
"Ouch. And what did you do when that happened?"
"We got pizzas."

Cute little dog.

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

Two guys walk into a bar.....

First guy says, "Ouch!"
Second guy says, "Yea I didn't see it there either."

Blind guy walks into a bar...

says "ouch"

Ouch! It was an iron bar!

Ouch! It was an iron bar!
A faster than light Tachyon walks into a bar.

A billion neutrinos walk into a bar...

One says, "Ouch."

I'm going to give the next person to make a dress color reference a white and gold eye.


Two friends were having a conversation...

The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning."
"Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?"
"No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."

Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

What would Germans call a painfully offensive joke?

>say ouch when offended or in pain
>Witz is the German word for joke
>sounds like auschwitz

A physicist, a biologist, and a geologist walk into a bar.

The physicist immediately liquors up and attempts to pick up chicks with his top secret details about a new slightly-cooler-than-molten-hot fusion project he's working on.
The biologist attempts to pick up chicks with stories about him working with baby elephants in Thailand.
The geologist says "Ouch".

What did the T-Rex say when he stubbed his toe?

"Ouch. I'm Dino-sore!"

How do old people stay in ouch with their deceased friends?

Through social mediums.
(Read this on Facebook. Take no credit, but I don't remember who said it.)

A guy walks into a building with his boss.

Ouch. You'd think that at least one of them should have seen it.

What did the blondie say when she walked into the bus?


What did Harry Potter say when he fell down the hill?

"Ouch! I Hermione!"

What did the Vegan say after walking into a bar?


Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

What did the scientist say when he got hit with gamma waves?

Ouch! That Hertz.

A brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

A doctor and a comedian walk into a bar


An IBM ThinkPad walks into a bar.

"Ouch!" says the bar.


A girl is doing her homework and her little brother walks in. She asks him for help with a question and he refuses. Angrily she says "Just tell me what the division of two cells is and I won't hurt you". He still won't tell her so she stamps on his foot. "Tell me!" she yells "ouch! mitosis!."

Two blondes walked into a jigsaw puzzle store...


What noise do porcupines make when they kiss?


Ouch! Meghan slapped Prince Harry in public.

He says that if she does it again, the Empire strikes back.

What do you say when you hear a sound that bothers you?

Ouch, that Hertz...

A construction worker without a helmet walks into a bar.


True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I've already joined the 3 inch club!!!" OUCH!

What do hot beverage warnings say in German?

Ouch! Tongue!


My sister has always been fascinated with cell biology and she moved across state to attend a better college, moving her into her dorm we moved a dresser to benefit the small space she had and in doing so she dropped it on my foot. I yelled out MITOSIS!
(This is my first original joke be gentle)

102 lemmings walked into a bar


Robert McCall and John Wick walk into a bar...

And say "Ouch!"

"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." 
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" 
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." 
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" 

A white man, a black man, an asian man, a trans man, a gay man, and a fat man all walk into a bar


Two babies are sitting in their playpen cooing away...

Baby 1: Well, looks like I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.
Baby 2: Ouch, I had it done when I was just a few days old.
Baby 1: Well then, does it hurt mate?
Baby 2: I'll put it to you this way pal, after I had it done I couldn't walk for about a year.

A black man walks into a bar...

Oof ouch that hurts. I should be more careful.
-Black man

Santa, a p**..., and a penguin walk into a bar.


What did the spelling bee contestant say when he stubbed his toe


The blond reared back and clenched his fist

With all his might, he punched the tree, and the force of the impact broke his hand. "Ouch! I thought you said this tree was bouncy!"
His friend face palmed. "No, I said it was a rubber tree."

Ouch, that smarts

Confucius say, man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Two guys are chatting at the gym, and the first guy says to the second "what's that bulge in your pants?"

The second guy replies: "Tennis ball."
The first guy thinks about it for a second and says, "ouch. I had tennis elbow once."

A man walked into a bar....

And said OUCH because it was an iron bar.

A wife his her husband with a rolling pin

A wife hits her Husband with a rolling pin, the husband says ouch! What was that for?
The wife then tells him I found a piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
The husband then tells her that Jenny was the name of the horse he put a bet on last week.
The wife apologises to him.
The next the wife hits her husband with a rolling pin.
The husband says ouch! What was that for?
The wife then says your horse is on the phone

*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )

I ordered a ham and cheese at Subway

The sandwich artist began making my selection, using his right hand to place the slices of ham.
Suddenly, he pulled his hand away and cried out in pain.
Ouch! Hand cramp!
Before I could ask if he was ok, he finished stacking the slices of ham with his left hand.
Lucky for you I'm hambidexterous he said.

What do c**... say when they shake hands?


The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops l**... his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops l**... his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops l**... her cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, "What's the matter with you guys?"

Ouch joke, Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

jokes about ouch