Oscar Jokes

What are some Oscar jokes?

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character?

Oscar

im so sorry

Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door

His girlfriend is dead against it.

What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street?

Sesame Street has an Oscar.

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.

What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio?

A South African prison has an Oscar

Roses are red...

Violets are glorious.

I wouldn't surprise

Oscar Pistorius.

And the Oscar goes to...

Jail.

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

Why did Leonardo DiCaprio visit Sesame Street?

It was his only chance to see an Oscar

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Jack and Oscar.

The three men had always done everything together.

Jack arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Jack said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Jack said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Oscar in to confirm the identity of the body.

Oscar looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Oscar said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Oscar said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time somebody goes in a bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.

Roses are red...

Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't spend Valentine's,

With Oscar Pistorious



^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..

Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.



Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on


And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.

I bet if Leornardo DiCaprio has a kid...

he names it Oscar so he can finally have one.

Roses are red, violets are glorious

Never sneak up,
On oscar pistorious

I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but...

I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.

What do a common garbage can and Leonardo DiCaprio have in common?

No Oscar!

Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...

Someone called out "The Queen!"

"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."

Lets be honest

Oscar Pistorius will never set foot in a prison

Oscar

If you're Leonardo, you must have got it by now.

I bought a new car recently.

I got it for a great deal. Oscar Mayer Weiner was going under so they sold me one of their weenie vans. I was really excited so I drove it around town to show off. I pulled up to a Starbucks because I was thirsty and as I was parking I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She watched me park and smiled as I walked over to her.

I introduced my self and we just started talking. She looked amazing, I complimented her on her dress. This led to a nice conversation about fashion. I began talking about this vest I recently bought at an estate sale. She seemed really interested and said, "We should set up a date, and maybe I can see you in the vest." I excitedly replied, "That would be amazing!"

Things were looking great until she said, "On one condition. You don't pick me up in the hot dog car." Well this upset me greatly and I wasn't sure how to respond. I thought about it for a moment and then I said, "If you can't handle me in my wurst you don't deserve me in my vest."

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty to the charge of premeditated murder

Frankly I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha

November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel

India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo

Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo

Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar

Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform

November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo

Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform

Tesla, Oscar Wilde, and Sherlock Holmes walk into a bar.

The punchline of this joke was patented and then hidden by Thomas Edison.

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time someone goes to the toilet take 4 shots

Why hasn't Liam Neeson been nominated for another Oscar in the last 10 years?

All his roles have been Taken

Oscar Wilde walks into a bar with a large manuscript under his arm...

The bartender asks, "Why the long farce?"

Bad taste

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...

...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).

Oscar

β€’ Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't try to surprise

Oscar Pistorius


β€’ She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

β€’ When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

β€’ Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

β€’ I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

β€’ What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

β€’ A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

β€’ I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

β€’ Police have found a list of 20 other women that Pistorius planned to kill, they are calling it shinless list.

β€’ And the Oscar goes to....... Prison.

If you ever feel like you can't do something, just remember...

Suicide Squad is an Oscar nominated film.

What's the difference between Oscar the grouch and a grouch at the Oscars?

Ones green and the other is black

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees?

All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite...

I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.

He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

A navy crew aboard a submarine are called by their initials...

A new recruit joins the crew, his name Ben Olivander. His crew-mates consist of Fredrick Udell, Collin Kilmer, Oscar Chase, and Owen Omar Faber.

BO is quickly made fun of by OC, although FU, CK, and OOF enjoy BO's company as he is funny and kind. Due to this, OC is somewhat outcasted on board and nobody likes him.

The captain later comes in as OC is complaining about his poor treatment.

BO, FU, CK, and OOF, why are you guys so rude to one of our members!

Why doesn't anyone on this sub like OC!?

Oscar Pistorious wanted to get his bathroom door replaced

But his wife was dead against it

Did you guys see the movie about the hotdog?

It was an Oscar Wiener

Oscar Pistorius is soon getting out of jail. 10 months without sex, you should hide, ladies.

But for the love of God, not in the bathroom.

What's pretty and expensive but has no use?

Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.

How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

Oscar Wilde once said you can never be overdressed

Clearly he never showed up to an orgy in a clown suit

Oscar Pistorius was keen to get a new bathroom door....

but his girlfriend was dead against it.

Source: Scorch-O-Rama cafe, Wellington, New Zealand

How are Manchester City and Oscar Pistorius similar?

They lost both legs, but still managed to get four shots on target.

Leo's First Oscar

Leonardo DiCaprio in the delivery room.
Leo: "What is it doc?!"

Doctor: "It's a bo-"

Leo: "NO! NO! LIKE WE REHEARSED!"

*Doctor sighs, handing the baby boy to Leo*

Doctor: "And the "Oscar" goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Father in Conception.

I bet the bear from The Revenant would have been nominated for an Oscar...

If he was a Polar bear

What is the difference between a gay man and a hot dog?

One is an oscar meyer weiner, the other admires oscar's weinner

Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from?

Poppy street

I finally realised why Oscar Pistorius lost his trial

Because from a legal point he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

A Red Oscar Envelope walks into a bar and asks

am I Moonlighting or Emma Stoned?

Why did Oscar Pistorius lose his murder trial?

Because his defense didn't have a leg to stand on

I've been thinking about Oscar Pistorious's case...

I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.

And the Oscar goes too..........

Prison.

If you can read this...

India Mike November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform.

Oscar Pistorious

That sounds like a spell Harry Potter uses to make your legs fall off

Are we sure that Oscar Pistorius was the only one involved in the murder of his girlfriend?

Someone else may well have done the leg work.

What's the difference between the Academy Awards and the Paralympics

In the Paralympics Blade Runner is an Oscar winning performance

(I realise this joke is now three years too late)

Do you know what made Oscar Pistorius so angry at his girlfriend?

She was looking at another man's legs.

What is the Revenant about?

The unbearable lengths one man will go to get his revenge and win an Oscar.

Have you heard about the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

If your wife goes to the bathroom, take 4 shots.

Oscars experience mistake awarding Best Picture to Moonlight...

Hollywood blames Russian hacking

What's the difference between the Oscars and the BET Awards?

Oscar winners can thank BOTH of their parents.

I heard Oscar the Grouch was getting kicked off of Sesame Street.

Apparently he was trash talking the other cast members behind their backs.

Poor Oscar Pistorius, he had the world at his feet...

If only he knew where they were.

Why did Adele crawl under the cow?

...to say hello from the udder side.


I'll take my Oscar now.

When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar?

When he takes out the trash

Its terrible how so few black people get nominated for an Oscar

It's so sad they're not as talented as white people.

The Olympic committee wanted to name a celestial body after Oscar Pistorius.

But they were denied since he is already a shooting star.

There should be a fictional biopic about Leonardo DiCaprio's fight for his oscar.

But I guess whoever plays him will win an Oscar for it.

I saw that Get Out has a 40% Chance of Winning the Best Picture Oscar

White People Finally get to see what it's like to be 3/5ths

Despite Oscar Pistorius' terrible actions, you HAVE to cut him some slack.

Come on, he's never had a leg to stand on

"Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house"




In addition, locals have told police that he was previously sighted with stumps.

Oscar Pistorius gets six years jail.

Jail, then home detention, and back to jail. Wow, for someone with no legs he's covering a lot of ground.

Oscar Pistorius misunderstood his girlfriend...

when she said: "for Valentines day, can you take me out?"

If there's a lesson to be learned from the Oscar Pistorius tragedy,

It's that cyborgs are not to be trusted.

How to make Oscar jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Oscar to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Oscar? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Oscar pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes