orleans Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious orleans puns

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."


I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had.

Sometimes I wish she'd stayed in Latvia.


What do all failing students in New Orleans have in common?

They are all below "C level".


What do Led Zeppelin and New Orleans have in common

"When the Levi breaks, we have no place to stay"


So I wrote some Chuck Norris jokes the other day...

The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't speak, he thinks loudly.

New Orleans didn't flood because of a hurricane. Chuck Norris did a canon ball into the Gulf of Mexico.

Chuck Norris once punched the Tower of Pisa.

Chuck Norris doesn't fart, because nothing can escape Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving, the Earth uses a parachute.

When Chuck Norris takes a shower, the soap doesn't clean him. He cleans the soap.

Netflix marathons Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris stared at the sun too long, he wouldn't go blind. The sun would.

If Chuck Norris bit a vampire, the vampire would turn back into a human.


The French Quarter in New Orleans seems to have gotten cleaner in the last decade

Almost as if it had been washed up or something


A young lady in New Orleans is having her 16th birthday party...

A young lady in New Orleans is having her 16th birthday party when she runs up to her uncle and firmly tells him: "When you gonna take me to Florida or don't you remember your promise?" Her uncle seem a little confused, and as he gazed down at her quizzically, and a twinkle in his eyes and stated- "I never said I was going to take you to Florida" The young lass, shocked he didn't remember said- " Yes you did. You said when I turn 16, you were going to Tampa with me."


What do you call a fat guy, from New Orleans, that never tells the truth?

A jambo-laya.

Thanks for coming out, I'll be here till Thursday.


What happened to ray charles and stevie wonder at the new orleans blues fest?

They ran into each other


Hurricane Katrina

An old gentleman from New Orleans gets to heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "You have to pick one story that describes your life and that is the only story you may tell for all of eternity."

The man thinks about it and decides he is going to tell the story of Hurricane Katrina. He looks at St. Peter and says "I wish to tell the story of Hurricane Katrina and the great flood that nearly destroyed my town."

St. Peter looked at him and "my son, that is a great story but remember Noah is also here."


So two farmers were talking . . .

and Jed says to Zeb, "So, what are yeh going to do fer yer vacation this year?"

"Wall," says Zeb, "I figger I'll try somethin' different this year."

"What d'yeh mean different?"

"Wall, remember three years ago when I went to Disneyworld? My wife Earline got pregnant."

"Yep, I remember," says Jed.

"And then the next year I went to Vegas. And Earline got pregnant again."


"And then last year I went to New Orleans. And dang if Earline didn't get pregnant again!"

"Yep," says Jed. "So what're y'all gonna do different this year?"

Zeb says, "This year I'm takin' Earline with me!"


What is the playing surface of the New Orleans Superdome called?

Mardi grass.


Why did the river cross the road?

To flood New Orleans.


New Orleans Drunk

A New Orleans drunk was staggering down the street when a cop pulled him over. He says to the copper. "Mr. Policeman, where is my car?"

"Beats me, when was the last time you seen it?"
"Why, it was just on the end of this key a minute ago," (holds up ignition key) says the drunk.
"Well, it ain't there now." Drunk starts to stagger off into the night. Cop calls out to him, "Hey, do me a favor Buddy and zip up your fly, your penis is showing."
"Christ," says the drunk. "They got my girlfriend too."


Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a relative who lives in New Orleans?

His name is Marr deGrasse Tyson.


Guess what New york is going as for Halloween?

New Orleans!


OC from my 13 year old: I heard the quality of the pastries in New Orleans has gone down.

They've been yay before, but not anymore.


My ex is like Hurricane Katrina...

She fucked New Orleans too.


Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are watching the evening news when they see a report of a man threatening to jump off the roof of a tall building in New Orleans.

Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, "Hey watch dis guy. I bet you 40 dollars he jumps off dat roof."

Thibodeaux thinks about it a little and replies, "Okay, I'll take dat bet!"

A few seconds later the man jumps to his death.

Thibodeaux pulls out his wallet, cursing, and hands Boudreaux two twenties. Boudreaux giggles and says, "Thibodeaux, I gotta tell you something. I already saw dat. He jumped already on da 12 o'clock news."

Thibodeaux says, "Me too I saw it on da 12 o'clock news, but I didn't think that couillon would be stupid enough to jump again!"


How Worcestershire Sauce got its name

In the late 1800s in New Orleans a chef in a restaurant had just whipped up a concoction to be applied to meat and he asked a waiter to take it out to a well-lubed patron for a test. The diner was of course most agreeable and added quite a bit of it to his cut of beef. Upon tasting it, he rather liked it and turned around to hail the waiter by clumsily calling out, "Hey, whorsh diss'here sauce??", and so the name was thereupon given.


Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe?

Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe?

Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.


Breaking news

New Orleans Man's socks are finally dry.


Do you know what it means to Miss New Orleans ?

I don't know, ask her.


Did you hear about the misanthropic statistician?

100% of people can go fuck themselves.

Told to me by a cab driver in New Orleans.


Can you tell me how to abbreviate New Orleans?


(or NOLA)


Why is it easy to commit a crime in New Orleans?

Because they have NO PD!



M: hey can you tell me the abbreviation for New Orleans?


M: why not?


#@!Match [email protected][email protected][email protected]!Houston vs New Orleans live


I wanted to buy a house in New Orleans...

But the market was flooded.


How do People in New Orleans have their beer?

Watered Down


What's the least popular band in New Orleans?

Katrina and the Waves.


The Redskins were murdered today in New Orleans

Wouldn't be the first time they got murdered around Columbus Day.


What are the most funny Orleans jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Orleans? Well, here are the best Orleans dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Orleans pick up lines to share with friends.

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