Ordered Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ordered jokes. There are some ordered barista jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ordered domino puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Cheeky Ordered Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

I ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late

She loves me wrong time.

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

jokes about ordered

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Ordered joke, Mother's Day

A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

A man ordered two drinks at once every day...

The bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked "Why not just get a double?"
The man answered "I'm drinking one for myself and one for my buddy that didn't make it back from Iraq."
After a couple of months, the man started ordering just one drink. The nosy bartender asked what's up.
"My doctor told me I have to quit drinking."

Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.

"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.

Stalin lit his pipe and replied:

"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

You can explore ordered orderly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ordered amazon dad jokes. There are also ordered puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?

Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?

Man: Will you just try the soup.

Waiter: Is it too hot?

Man: Will you just try the soup

Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?

Man: Will you just try the damned soup son

Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...

Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!

Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.

Man: Exactly.

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.

So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night...

The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money

A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"

The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered veeerrryyy slooowwwly, because she obviously doesn't listen.

Ordered joke, I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it

Suddenly he heard a voice...

"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*

"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*

"I like your hair that way."

He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."

"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."

I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon....

I want to see which one comes first.

Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Ordered 4 drinks at McDonald's.....

....so they wouldn't think all 50 chicken nuggets were for me.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online

I'll let you know...

3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work

2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers

One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"

A neutron went into a bar and ordered a beer,

The bartender upon seeing him said "this one is free of charge".

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.

CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.

CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.

CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.

They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.....

We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?' One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's WALES you idiot!!!'

So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'

Ordered joke, I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.....

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

The dictionary I ordered on eBay had only blank pages

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Welsh pub

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.

All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"

"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."

"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a living then?"

"I'm a taxidermist." Replied the man.

"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them do?"

"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."

The bartender then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's o.k. lads, he's one of us!"

What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?

One more

to help cope with his loss Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old whiskey

she didn't like it

I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.

It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

I wnet to an Indian restaurant and ordered biryani...

The waiter said, sorry sir, I don't know what a birlaurel is.

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

An indian lady visited a bar for the first time

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.

The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"

The guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

Then the bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..?

The lady replied: "Parmjeet kaur, Married.

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.

Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.

Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him

He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.

The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"

The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

​

"That's the manager." said the waiter.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?

The man replies, No, I haven't.

The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.

The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.

He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.

By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.

Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."

The bartender replied, Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.

Four Surgeons are getting coffee

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".

"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.

Just call me Hoff, he replied.

Sure, said the bartender. No hassle.

A man that can't talk goes to the doctor

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

Not even sushi is safe.

Wife and I were having sushi, she ordered a rainbow roll and asked if I wanted piece

I told her I would have the piece on the end... Just for the Halibut.

​

I was impressed at how well she controlled the impulse to stab me with the chop sticks.

My dad accidentally ordered the wrong paving materials

Now That's his own dumb asphalt.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I'll let you know.

I ordered a Hawaiian Pizza today, and it was burnt.

It should have been cooked at aloha temperature.

I ordered a book called "How to scam people"

Its been 6 months and I still haven't received it.

Old Asian man ordered forty-two coffees. I said you sure? . He nodded yes…

Poured about 7 coffees and he starts shouting stop! stop! stop! I'm like what happened?! He repeated his order I want 4 tea 2 coffee …

I stopped at a coffee shop in Glasgow

When I approached the barista, I ordered a latte with oat milk.

Stunned and confused, the barista tells me, we cannae make a latte withoat milk

Beware of a new E-bay scam

I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry and they sent me motorcycle parts

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'

'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'

A boy reads a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free free French fries.

Sounds great! said the health conscious boy, as he ordered some.

He watched as a the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them in the box.

Wait a minute, those don't look fat free!

They sure are, the cook said. We only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free.

I went to Wendy's and ordered two large fries

The asshole served me hundred tiny ones

A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what the man had ordered. After a few minutes the chef walks out to the man, hands him $300 and says: "You had to order toast on the day we ran out of bread, did you...?"

I ordered a sub through Door Dash

But when I answered the door, he just gave me a sandwich and left.

It's three weeks late, but the "History of Clocks" book I ordered finally arrived.

It's about time.

A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.

​

A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"

The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."

Literary Humor.

I ordered a martini with an olive and a twist of lime.

The bartender served it with no olive or twist.

I gave him the Dickens.

Baseball

A Braves fan walks into an Atlanta bar and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. Drinks for everyone here, bartender! shouts the Braves fan. Except for Mr. Yankees!

The Yankees fan smiles and says, Thank you!

Infuriated, the Braves fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Braves asks the bartender, What's the matter with that guy? I've ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?

No, he's not nuts, says the bartender. He owns the place.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ordered blt puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ordered marinara piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes