Order Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whoops, wrong sub.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

I know every single digit of pi!

I just don't have them in the right order.

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Two fat ladies walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser

Barman: Oh, you must be American.

American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh?

Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order...

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

There are 3 men in a boat and 4 cigarettes, however they don't own a lighter. How do they smoke?

They throw one cigarette over board in order to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness

The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'

'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?

The restraining order

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It's a good thing my brother told me about it

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

Why were the Star Wars movies made in the order 4,5,6,1,2,3?

In charge of production, Yoda was.

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...

so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away

This was a grave mistake

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.

The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

The toilet on the train was out of order, so I had to sit there and hold it for half an hour.

A woman who was sat opposite, looked at me in disgust and asked "Is that a fucking poo in your hand?"

I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.

I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing.

Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.

You must be Irish

"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness.

-"You must be Irish."

"Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

-"I didn't..."

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

-"No, but..."

"So why the hell do you think I'm Irish then?"

-"Sir, this is a book store."

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

One Guinness please

"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness."

"You must be Irish."

"Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

"I didn't..."

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

"No, but..."

"So why exactly do you think I'm Irish then?"

"Sir, this is a book store."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.

An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" and he chugs his. The Irishman is enraged and grabs the fly by the wings and yells "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!"

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

Burrr… gurrr… King.

What did the Arts Major say to the Business Major?

"Can I take your order?"

A piece of string walks into a bar...

and tries to order a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"

The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair.

The string goes back into the bar and orders again.

The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?"

"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"

The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."

An infinite number of engineers walk into a bar

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes!" and pours two beers.

You order one pizza

You love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

Three surgeons...

...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations.

The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded."

The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

I saw a sign which made me shit my pants

It said "bathroom out of order"

The waiter came up to our table.

He said, "Can I take your order?"

I said, "Sure."

He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

A blonde goes into a library.

She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."

The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"

"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

I ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late

She loves me wrong time.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

How about a quickie? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .

I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

The Doctor made me walk again...

Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill

Two immigrants

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "What part did you get?"

I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon....

I want to see which one comes first.

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Ordering a cake over the phone

"And what would you like the cake to say?"

[covers phone to ask wife]

"Honey, do we want a talking cake?"

Ordered 4 drinks at McDonald's.....

....so they wouldn't think all 50 chicken nuggets were for me.

What did the Jedi order at the Italian restaurant?

Only one cannoli.

A guy goes to a cake shop and says:

- Can you please make me a cake that says "you are the only one for me"?
- Yes sir.
- Well, I'll order five of those.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, No, ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside. Never, he snarled, Never, never, never say we're out of anything- say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway? The clerk said, Rain!

How many digits of pi do you know? - All of them...

I just always forget the order!

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones

* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?

Why did Medusa order pizza?

Her boyfriend was stoned.

I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear,

"Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "I know the entire alphabet!"

We all laughed and laughed...except one guy.

A British, Irish and Scottish

Walk into a bar and all order a beer. Unfortunately. A fly lands in each beer. The British guy asks for another beer and gets one. The Irish guy picks the fly out and puts it to the side. The Scottish guy takes the fly by the leg and scream "SPIT IT OUT, YA DIRTY BASTARD!!!".

Is the joke I made up funny or shit (my first attempt) completely original

So I was sitting in my local Chinese takeaway tonight waiting for my order when an old friend came in. I said to him "not seen you in ages, where have you been", in which he replied he had been in prison. I asked him what was he in for, to which he replied "a chicken curry with some fried rice".

What are the funniest order jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Order? Well, here are the best Order puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Order pick up lines to share with friends.

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