Oral Sex Jokes

Following is our collection of anal puns and nsfw one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Oral Sex jokes for adults, dirty foreplay jokes and clean boyfriend dad gags for kids.

The Best Oral Sex Puns

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much oral sex she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

* 1% liked the warmth

* 2% liked the sensation

* 3% liked the eroticism

* 94% just liked the peace and quiet

BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."


Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.


"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"


Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"


TIL lions perform oral sex on each other.

Talk about swallowing your pride.

So.. I woke my gf up with oral sex this morning

-Oh wicked, what'd she say?

-Thtoph, thtoph!

Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

African Roulette

Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.

The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."

The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.

The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."

The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.

As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."


Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...

...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little oral sex is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines & dies. The nurse runs in & asks what happened.
"I'm not positive, but I think she choked to death!"

When my wife told me she was going to give me some mental oral sex, I thought it was going to be silly.....

....but she actually blew my mind!

I was giving my girlfriend...[NSFW]

...oral sex. She wanted to get in on the act so we started to 69.

...changed my hole perspective.

What does Miss Piggy call oral sex?

Having a frog in her throat.

A woman is in a coma in hospital

The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

What's the best thing about oral sex?

The 5 minutes of peace and quiet!

My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making oral sex jokes.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden.

When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.


Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.


The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."


"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"


This morning I woke my girl with oral sex

This morning I woke my girl with oral sex.

Ohh, what did she say?

"ftop it"

Why don't Jewish guys give oral sex?

It's too close to the gas chamber.

If you don't like oral sex

You should keep your mouth shut

A tale of two young men

There is a young man walking a tight rope between two high rise buildings. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving oral sex from from a 80 year old woman. They both are thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. What could it be?







DO NOT LOOK DOWN!

What do you call oral sex with a paraplegic girl?

Meals on wheels.

Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great oral sex!

But Oh no! Not my sister!

A middle-aged man enters a bar, and orders a straight double whiskey.

The bartender asks:

"What's the occasion ?"

"I just had my first ever oral sex..." goes the guy.

"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".

"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, nothing will".

ORAL SEX

At this stage of our marriage, me and the wife only practice oral sex. Whenever we pass each other, we both say , 'fuck you.'

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting oral sex from an 90-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*



Don't look down.

What don't you want to hear after performing oral sex on Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, Are you and your husband sexually active? Yes, we have verbal sex everyday. the woman answered. Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex! the doctor laughed. No, I mean verbal sex. the woman persisted.

Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, 'Fuck you!'"

I got oral sex from a psychic yesterday.

It was mind blowing.

Drinking alcohol-free beer..

..is like giving oral sex to your sister. The taste is the same, but deep inside, you know that something is terribly wrong.

So I woke my gf with oral sex today.

She said "ftahp".

My wife is really into oral sex

All she want's to do is talk about it.

I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing

You should never look down

My wife was in a coma. The doctor says to me, "There's one way to wake her up, but its a little unconventional. You go in there and you have oral sex with her"

I said "By God".
He says "I've seen it work"
So i go in there, I'm in there about five minutes and i come out.

I say, "Doc, shes choking"

Just once, I'd like to wake my girlfriend up with up with oral sex...

...but she never sleeps with her mouth open.

Not all prostitutes give oral sex

Just a heads up

I passed a group of Girl Scouts this morning, with a stall that read..

.."Home-Made Lemonade: £15.00, Oral Sex: £5.00"

"Here's twenty pounds, girls, but I think you've got your prices mixed up," I chuckled.

"Once you've finished going down on me, you'll be gagging for that lemonade," said the sweaty fat one.

So, apparently, Marie Antoinette was really good at oral sex...

In fact, the entire Third Estate wanted her head!

My wife went into a coma

Doctor: "I'm afraid there's only one way to save her"
Husband: " I'm willing to try anything"
Doctor: " the only you can save her is by going in there and having oral sex. I know it doesn't make sense but I've seen it work, trust me. "
Husband: " my god! If there's a chance it could save her, I'll do it doctor"
5 minutes later
Husband: "doc i think there's a problem, she's choking!"

My inexperienced girlfriend

My inexperienced girlfriend was performing oral sex for the first time. She asked, "Am I doing it right?" To which I replied, "Not if you're talking."

What did the lesbian mushroom say to the other lesbian mushroom during oral sex?

Umami.

Got something to celebrate?

A guy enters a bar and orders 6 bacardi coke's. Bartender asks if he has something to celebrate. ''Yes!'' says the guy, ''I had oral sex for the first time!''
Bartender: ''Nice, congrats! The 7th is on the house then!''
The guy: ''No thanks, if the taste sticks after 6 drinks, it wil after 7 as well ...

A man goes to visit his wife who is in a coma.

One of the nurses pulls him aside and tells him that she's heard that occasionally oral sex will cause the person in a coma to wake up. The stimulation could literally jar the person awake. With a sly wink she leaves the hubby alone with his wife. A few minutes later alarm bells are ringing and he's screaming for help. The nurse rushes in to find the hubby pulling up his pants screaming, "I did what you said, but I think she choked."

What do flowers do for foreplay?

Floral sex.

What is the bird of peace?

Dove.


What is the bird of prey?
Eagle

What is the bird of oral sex?
Swallow

Scientists Find Zika Might Be Transmitted by Oral Sex

The study suggests a little head may result in a little head.

why is oral sex better than cake?

Because you cannot have your cake and eat it too

What does Snoop Dogg call it when he receives oral sex?

A blow jizzle.

What do you call it when plants bang?

Floral sex.

Oral Misgivings

Q: How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?
A: She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.

A priest is in the confessional box...

A priest is in the confessional box and he has to go to the restroom, so he grabs an alter boy and says, "Take over for me for a couple minutes."

A man enters the box. "Bless me father for I have sinned..."

The boy says, "The priest will be back in a few minutes."

The man replies,"I'm in a bit of a hurry. Do you know what Father Daniels usually gives for oral sex?"

The boy says, "Well, he usually gives me a candy bar and a five bucks."

Apparently there's a big scandal about an NBA player getting oral sex from a midget...

but it was blown way out of proportion.

What kind of night is it, during which you get satisfying oral sex?

A suckcessful one!

I've been giving the wife a lot of oral sex lately.

When she gets bored she just puts her ear plugs in.

I was told to reciprocate oral sex.

So I'll be doing it one tenth of a time next week.

Q: What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex?
A: Gladiator.

What do you call brother, sister, and cousin midgets giving each other oral sex?

Munchkins

Decided to surprise my gf for Valentine's day

So I woke her up with oral sex in the morning.

How did she react?

"Mpfhpmhhh... Get this thing out of my mouth, you idiot"

Did you hear about the phone that gives oral sex?

The reception's pretty good, but the phone itself blows.

Ninety-sixing is how dyslexic people perform the sexual position where both partners are conducting oral sex on each other at the same time.

My wife choked at a restaurant, and the manager told us to leave!

Said something about "no oral sex in my restaurant" bullshit and told us to never come back

My girlfriend said she hates giving me oral sex...

At least I think that's what she was trying to say...

If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

My wife and I have stupid fights so much, we can't even simultaneously have oral sex.

I wanna be the nine!

My wife argued that oral sex is the same exact thing as intercourse.

Bless her heart that she doesn't know the price difference.

I love oral sex... it's the phone bill I hate.

What do you call a chick who won't perform oral sex.

You don't.

What do you call Oral Sex in Bed?

Bed Head.

Where did the oral sex addict go as soon as he got out of rehab?

The liquor store.

I'm currently working on an oral sex joke.

I'll give you a taste of what's to come.

Oral Sex is illegal in 14 States...

...well, that sucks!

How do tree branches have oral sex?

They sticksty-nine

If a vegan does oral sex...

then are they being a hypocrite?

I want to make a joke about how I dont understand how gender nuetral people perform oral sex

But I dont know how it would go down.

There is an abundance of contraceptives jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes and oral sex puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lozenges witze you can hear about oral sex.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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