options Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious options puns

What are the options?

Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"

Passenger: "What are the options?"

Air Hostess: "Yes and No."


When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want"

Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options


How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options.


A flight attendant asks a man:

-Sir, do you want something to drink?

-What are my options?

-Yes and No


Police: How'd you kill 30 people?

Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the parade.


A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are dining at a restaurant.....

The waiter comes by and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, I'm sorry to inform you there's a shortage of our special, the triple-meat burger, this evening. Please consider some of our delicious regular menu options".

The Californian says, "what the fuck is triple-meat?"

The Texan says, "what the fuck is shortage?"

The New Yorker says "what the fuck are excuse me, sorry, and please?"


So a man walks into a donut shop on Dagobah...

And he sees a little green alien behind the counter. He asks for a hot donut.

The alien says, "Broken, our fryer is. Yesterday's donuts, I can sell you. Also, donut ingredients, we still have."

But the man is really craving a warm donut, so he asks, "Are you absolutely sure I can't get a freshly-made donut?"

"Only two options have you!" says the alien. "Dough or donut - there is no fry."


An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.


An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.

"Whats the worse news?"

"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."

Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"

"you have Alzheimers."

Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."


Donald Trump dies in Israel

After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."

" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "

" Second option, you pay $100,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel"

After much debating, the Americans decided to pay the larger fee and repatriate the body. Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose the bigger figure.

" Well, the last time you buried someone he came back after three days so we're not taking any chances !"



Sorry for the length of this..

A man has bee feeling very sick, so he decides to go in and see his doctor. The man finds out he has a tapeworm. His doctor tells him "There are two options here, surgery, or an experimental procedure I have developed, which we can start today. It will take three weeks."
The man, not wanting surgery, says he will try the new procedure. The doctor tells the man to take his pants off and bend over the table. While the man does this, the doctor takes out a hard-boiled egg and a lemon cookie and proceeds to shove them up the man's ass and says, "Come in next week for the second part of the procedure."
The man comes in the next week, feeling worse than last week and says to the doctor, "I'm not to sure about this procedure.." The doctor says, "Trust me" and gets out the egg and the lemon cookie and proceeds to put the egg then the cookie up the man's ass. Doctor says to come in the next week.
The third week the man comes in and says, "I can't take this any more, lets just do the surgery." And the doctor says "Trust me, it will all be over today." The man says ok and takes his pants off. This time the doctor pulls out the egg and a hammer. He shoves the egg up the man's ass and waits. about 5 minuets later the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's ass and yells, "Where the fuck is my lemon cookie!?!?!?" And WHAM!! The doctor crushes the tapeworm with the hammer.


A man and his wife are running out of money

A man and his wife are running out of money. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.

The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"

The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"


I'm gradually figuring out what the best lighting options are for my house.

It's a process of illumination.


A man dies and goes to hell..

When he reaches hell he is stopped by the Devil. The devil tells him that, because this man was such a sonofabitch, and the Devil was genuinely impressed by his sonofabitchery, he would let the man choose what his punishment would be for the rest of eternity. The Devil leads the man to the dungeons so he could choose between three options.

The man reaches the first dungeon, and sees a group of demons whipping a young man repeatedly with bull whips, laughing and cackling all the while. The man decides: no, he'd rather not get whipped for eternity, and the Devil moves him along.

The man reaches the second dungeon, and sees a group of demons stabbing a middle-aged man with a red hot poker, in every part of his body, as he screamed in pain. The man instantly decides: no, he'd rather not get stabbed for eternity, and the Devil moves him along.

The man reaches the third and last dungeon, and sees a beautiful young blonde woman giving an old man a blowjob: easily the most perfect blowjob he had ever seen. The man doesn't even hesitate: yes, that's what he wants to have happen for eternity.

The Devil nods in agreement, and with a smile, says: "Come along Stacey, your replacement's here."


A man wakes his wife up and says...

"Today is my birthday. You, me and the dog are going fishing."

To this the wife replies, "There is no way I am going fishing with you and the dog."

Once again the man insists that it is his birthday and he wants to go fishing with her and the dog. And once again the wife refuses to go.

Finally the man says, "Fine, I'll give you three options then. You can go fishing with me and the dog, you can suck my dick, or you can take it in the pooper."

The wife thinks for a moment and replies, "Fine, whip it out, I'll give you a quick suck." Upon reaching for the husband's dick the wife pulls back suddenly in revulsion and shouts, "Ew! It smells like shit!"

"Yeah the dog didn't want to go fishing either."


Gone Fishing.

So a man walks up to his his wife and says, "Honey, today you the dog and I are going fishing." The wife says, "I hate fishing so much, I refuse to go." "Alright", says the husband, " in that case I will give you three options. Give me head, do anal, or go fishing." The wife takes some time to think about it and then later walks up to her husband and say, "I have decided that I will give you head." She gets down and sucks her husbands dick and is drawn aback and say, "Your dick tastes like absolute shit!" The husband say, "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."


Bigger Boobs

A woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts.

She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants. The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get them for free. She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken, giving her a larger bust. She decides to go out to the bar to see if men will notice. She sees a handsome man across the room and starts walking up to him, seductively smiling, flapping her arms and says "Haven't I seen you here before?". "No, but I think we go to the same doctor" he answers, furiously opening and closing his legs.


Guy gets a call from his doctor.

"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.

"What? How?" Guy exclaims.

"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."

"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"

"An arm and a leg."


An old couple are vacationing in Israel...

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave digger says "I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000."

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.

The grave digger is stunned "Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?"

The man gets very close and whispers "A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her."



So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather.

So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather. He goes to the doctor and is like "Doc, I've been sick all week, you gotta help me." The doctor pauses for a moment, considering options, and finally says "Okay, this is an age old remedy. Here's what I need you to do. Before you go in your mud pile, I want you to fill it with salt and sugar. Then, lay in there like you usually would. Call me in a week and let me know how you feel."

So a week goes by and the pig calls the doctor. "Oh, so how are you feeling," asks the doctor. "Better?"

"Better?" exclaims the pig. "I'm cured!"


A neurosurgeon is preparing his patient for a brain transplant...

He tells the patient: "Would you like a woman's brain or a man's brain?"

"Why are there options?" the patient asks.

"Well," replies the Surgeon, "the woman's brain is half the price of the man's!

"Why is it half price?" asks the man.

"Because it's used!"


The old sperm donor.

After trying for months and failing to make a baby, due to his low sperm count, the young couple began to explore their options. They decided that a
sperm donor would be the best way to go. However, the young man insisted on maintaining the family bloodline and since his father had died at an early age and he had no brothers this left only grandpa. After much pleading and coaxing grandpa finally agreed. He went down to the clinic and the nurse gave him a jar and a magazine, into the bathroom he went. A short time later loud grunts and groans could be heard coming from the bathroom as well as loud banging sounds. The startled nurse finally went in knocked on the door of the stall and said "Excuse me sir, are you alright?" Grandpa replied "Yeah I'm fine, but I can't get the lid off this damn jar"


There once was a boy named Nate.

There once was a boy named Nate. He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.

One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down.

This truck driver had two options. Either hit Nate and kill him, or swerve, and hit the lever, ending the world. Not wanting to end the world, the truck driver hit Nate, killing him instantly.

Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.


[nsfw]Can I borrow the car?

A young lady asks her father if she can borrow the car tonight so she can go out with her friends.

Fathers response "Well, tell you what, you want the car so bad give me a blow job and you can use it."

Disgusted the daughter exclaims, "No, are you kidding, I'm not doing that!"

Father retorts, "Well then you must not want to use the car then!"

After thinking about her options, the daughter agrees, "Fine, you are a gross old man, but I really need the car tonight so just take off your pants and lets get this over with."

The father takes his pants off and the daughter drops to her knees, but smells something horrible.

"What the hell, your dick smells like shit!"

The father remembers, "That's right! Your brother has the car tonight."


One I remember from high-school (kids, stay away)

So, there are these two guys and a woman who get stranded on an island.

After a couple of months of trying to escape and learning to survive, they decide to tough it out on the island until someone comes by and rescues them.

With the obvious urges exceedingly present and with their lack of options, they decide to enter into a mΓ©nage Γ  trois -- the deal being that the woman will spend one week with one of the men, and then switch.

This goes on for a couple of years, and no one comes to the rescue. They live and prosper on the island until one day, the woman suddenly dies.

Her two lovers, obviously upset at her death, continue to live on the island, still hoping for escape, but with their hope at lengths' end.

The first week after her passing is terrible.

The second week is excruciating.

The third week, one of them breaks down in tears and refuses to speak to the other -- since it's so abysmal.

The fourth week, they have no choice but to bury her.

(Sorry in advance if this is a bit grisly)


Me: Do you want something to drink?

Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It's a tribute to Princess Diana

Friend: Got anything else?

Me: Just Mountain Dew.

Friend: So those are my only two options?

Me: It's Dew or Di.


A man has terrible teeth and goes to an orthodontist to have them fixed

The orthodontist tells him it will cost $5000

The man yells "$5000?? There's no way I can afford that! Don't you have any cheaper options?"

The orthodontist thinks for a moment and looks at the man, he says "alright man, I have an experimental treatment that will make your teeth completely average for $500 bucks, but I can't give you any details about the procedure until you pay."

The man is hesitant at first but he decides it is worth the risk and accepts the offer.

The orthodontist buys him a plane ticket to Britain.


An elderly couple

An elderly couple, he was 93 and she was 94, got broke. They didn't have a single dime and all options were exhausted.
They decided that she had to sell herself on the street, so she went out for a day of hard labor.
After a day she came back and put 20 dollars and 10 cents on the table.
- What the hell! Who paid 10 cents?
- Everybody...


A few years ago I freed a Genie and he gave me two options. A better memory or a longer dick.

I still can't remember what I chose though.


Women are like multiple choice tests

They give you plenty of options but there's only one right answer


A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."


So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."


Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car

The more money you have, the more options you have.


An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.

One is a young, healthy athlete.

The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'

'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.

'Why?' asks the doctor.

The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'


You were there for me when I had my doubts, you always gave me guidance, and you always offered me options.

Thanks Google.


What are the most funny Options jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Options? Well, here are the best Options dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Options pick up lines to share with friends.

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