Opposite Jokes
148 opposite jokes and hilarious opposite puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about opposite that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are opposite jokes a little too confusing? Need some ideas to get the conversation going during Opposite Day? Look no further! In this article, discover funny jokes based on opposite words, genders, yield or 'shout' phrases and more. Laugh your way through if you are experienced or inexpert in the art of 'opposite-ing'!
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Funniest Opposite Short Jokes
Short opposite jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The opposite humour may include short opposing jokes also.
- 79% of people don't know opposite words for the following: 1) Always
2) Coming
3) From
4) Take
5) Me
6) Down - My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish But today is opposite day so it's all good
- Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen? Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?
Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen. - Are you smart enough to do this. Say the opposite of these words.
Always.
Coming.
From.
Take.
Me.
Down. - "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law "Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law
- Difference between capitalism and communism Q: What's the difference between capitalism and communism?
A: Under capitalism, Man exploits Man. Under communism, it is exactly the opposite. - What's the opposite of a Baldwin? Hair loss.
- 85% of Millennials struggle with figuring out the opposite of these words. Always
Coming
Take
Me
Down - The opposite of Microsoft Office is... MacroHard OnFire
- What's the opposite of Adam? Subtractam
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Opposite One Liners
Which opposite one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with opposite? I can suggest the ones about contrary and vice versa.
- What's the opposite of lady fingers? Mentos
(I will see myself out) - What's the opposite of "Debbie Downer"? Beth-amphetamine
- What's the opposite of Holy Water? Nestle
- Shout out to those who don't know the opposite of in. They need the help.
- What's the opposite of a microwave? A tsunami.
- Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers? Kids : no idea
Dad : mentos - Had to quit my job at the watch factory. The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.
- If the opposite of pro is con... Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.
- What's the opposite of ground beef? High steaks
- What's the opposite of a waterfall? A firefly!
I will now leave. - What is the opposite of a protein? An amateur teen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
- What is the opposite of mansplaining? Missunderstanding.
- What is the opposite of Christopher Walkin? Christopher Reeve.
- What is the opposite of irony? Wrinkly
- What's the opposite of shot? Scold!
Opposite Sides Jokes
Here is a list of funny opposite sides jokes and even better opposite sides puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An Englishman and an Irishman are standing on opposite sides of a river The Englishman asks "How do I get to the other side?"
The Irishman yells back "What'r ye talkin about? you're already there!" - What do you call a two dentists that live on opposite sides of the world? Molar opposites.
- Why did the polish person marry someone from the other side of the country? Because opposite poles attract
- Why are chromosomes like fighting prisoners? They both get pulled apart to opposite sides of the cell.
- If while building a wood project you find that many of your nails are pointed on the wrong end Don't throw them away. Save them for the opposite side of the project.
- Why did Ajit Pai cross the road? Because Verizon payroll services was on the opposite side.
- Taking the side length that's opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It's considered a sin.
- I'm writing a musical love story set in the '50s about 2 teens from the opposite sides of the tracks, falling in love during the National Origami Qualifiers. I'm calling it "Crease."
- TIL there are two Slavic nations located on the opposite sides of the globe. They are North and South Poles.
- My girlfriend suggested we watch all five seasons of Breaking Bad back to back So I put two TVs on opposite sides of the room.
Opposite Word Jokes
Here is a list of funny opposite word jokes and even better opposite word puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I spent two years figuring out the opposite word for night. But after all that time I decided to give up and call it a day.
- What six letter word has an opposite meaning when it is reversed? The answer is united. When IT is reversed, it becomes untied.
- My brother in law was trying to explain something, and was trying to think of a word for the opposite of verbally And I said: oh you mean Nounally!
- What is the opposite of "Joking"? I think it must be "Jokqueen". Do you have any other opposite words?
- What's another word for the opposite of an antonym? (I bet you wanted to say synonym)
- The opposition accused me of plagiatorism... ...their words, not mine.
- Contronym Contronym: Its a word with two opposite meanings. I didnt understand the meaning first. Then I found the word Trump - it makes sense now.
- Isn't it funny that the words always, coming, from, take, me, and down don't have opposites?
- What's the opposite of the word uncle-off-her? It's an aunt-*on*-him.
Opposite Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny opposite day jokes and even better opposite day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Where is the worst place to be on Opposite Day? The maternity ward
- What did the Redditor say on opposite day? Sometimes white lies are OK and it's not always gaslighting .
- I heard that, on opposite day, Pinocchio's nose actually works the other way around. Big if true.
- Did you know today is opposite day? All the BMW's on the road used their turn signals.
- Total Eclipses freak people out because it creates opposites of our expectations... ...Day becomes night. White becomes Black. And the midwest becomes a travel destination
- A rapists favorite day is opposite day... Because no means yes.
- I blow my kids' minds when they tell me, "Daddy, it's the opposite day." And I say... .."is it?"
- It was opposite day today. While I was walking somewhere on my hands, someone "pantsed" me. Now I have an idea for a T-Skirt.
- It's Opposite Day. What's the last letter of the alphabet? Not Z.
- It's opposite day. Or is it?
Opposite Direction Jokes
Here is a list of funny opposite direction jokes and even better opposite direction puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right
- My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions.
- I bumped into two average Joes hanging out together, so I booked it the opposite direction... ... pair-a-normal activity freaks me out.
- The Race "Bound 2" Fail Why did Kanye West's daughter run the opposite direction at her race?
-When the race began her parents shouted "GO NORTH WEST!!!" - PQ syndrome When you point your weener in one direction, pee comes out the opposite.
Physically may be impossible, but scientists have concurred that alphabetically very much possible. - Two women were driving on the highway when the traffic rapport broadcast said there was a car driving in the opposite direction. "One? There are hundreds of them"
- I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - "drive in the opposite direction then" he said.
- Chuck Norris once walked in the opposite direction in the Running of the Bulls.
The bulls turned around and ran for their lives. - What happens when you pet a cat in the opposite direction? You rub them the wrong way
Opposite Gender Jokes
Here is a list of funny opposite gender jokes and even better opposite gender puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There is a short time, later on in every woman's life, when she ignores the opposite gender for a while It's called men-on-pause
- What's the best board game for someone that's experienced a great deal of desperation from the opposite gender? Men all plea
Silly Opposite Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about opposite you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean opponent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make opposite pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or k**...?
Ask them what the opposite of dominant is.
A magician gets himself a parrot for his act
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... Wife's New p**...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river...
The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!"
The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I made a robot who changes people into the opposite s**....
I guess he's a trans former
I was at a wedding reception…
When I noticed the woman sitting opposite me kept staring until finally she spoke.
Every time you smile, I want to take you back to my place
In my excitement I asked if she was single.
No she replied. I'm a Dentist
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..
During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"
Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"
Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence
She explains what intelligence is and then
Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called s**.... Now how many of you think of yourselves as s**..., stand up.
She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.
Teacher: Do you think you are s**...?
Student: No
Teacher: Then why did you stand up?
Student: I felt bad since you're the only one standing.
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
A young adult named Bob enters a confessional
Bob: Forgive me father, for I have sined.
Priest: It's pronounced 'sinned', but that's unimportant, what have you done?
Bob: I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.
First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy s**... man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."
Some people think the Arctic and the Antarctic are the same...
...but in reality, they are polar opposites.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All the girls I date are unemployed, drunk, and are on drugs.
I'm starting to think this whole opposites attract thing is b**....
The opposite of Formaldehyde is...
Casualdejekyll
What's the opposite of KIA?
Nokia
Sweet Young Boy
One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.
Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said, "If you were a polite young man, you'd let someone sit down."
"If you were a polite lady," Tom replied, "you'd let FOUR people sit down!"
What is the opposite of a Mermaid...
... a landlord!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do really ugly people and really good-looking people have in common?
No one of the opposite s**... has the guts to talk to them...
I'm so lonely
What's the opposite of mitosis?
Your finger bro!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[garden of eden]
**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?
**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.
**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?
**Eve:** 10
**Snake:** Thanksss
**Adam:** How did you calculate that?
**Eve:** Oh no.
A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!
The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....
Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...
The Mosque denied all responsibility!
So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!
The case is hereby dismissed!
A few electrons are having a party
When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises. The grateful electrons ask their saviour to identify himself. Mysteriously, he pulls down his hat and answers:
"Bond. Covalent Bond."
what is the opposite of downvoted into oblivion?
Upvoted into skyrim.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people's expenses.
What is the opposite of lukewarm?
Leiacold
A narcissist walks into a bar...
A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room.
The bartender looks around.
"Sir, that's a mirror."
What's the opposite of an empath?
A W-path.
*edit* Thanks for the upvotes. My ten year old stepson made this one up, and he's very proud that his joke got so many upvotes.
Con is the opposite of pro, and con is bad.
So if we want to turn the constitution into something better, then we should change it to...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.
After 10 years, my job still s**....
What's the opposite of Himalayan Salt?
Herastandin Pepper.
My Engineering teacher asked me to find the torque caused by two equal and opposite parallel forces
So I said Okay, give me a couple moments.
What's the opposite of diversity?
Uni-versity
A man breaks into a wealthy persons house
He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"
What's the opposite of a boomerang?
My dad.
What is the opposite of paranoia?
Thinking you are following someone.
Babies are like the total opposite of a complicated dinner recipe
It's more fun to make one than it is to eat one.
What is the opposite of lovey?
Haiti
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor gives a man bad news
Doctor: You have brain cancer.
Man: What? I want a second opinion!
Doctor: You're also unappealing to the opposite s**....
A wife sits down opposite her husband and takes his hand in hers.
Wife: Honey, I've got something to tell you.
Husband: What is it?
Wife: Darling, I'm pregnant.
Husband: Hello pregnant, I'm dad!
Wife: .....no you're not.
What's the opposite of anti clockwise?
Uncle clockwise
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I desperately needed a massive s**... on the train today but the toilet was out of order.
So, I just held it for 20 minutes.
The woman opposite me stared at me in disgust and said, "is that s**... in your hand?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Opposite of laughter
A teacher asked a student "What's the opposite of laughter?"
Student replied: "s**..."
Teacher stood shocked for few seconds, then asked: "what made you think that's the answer?"
Student: "When you laugh you say *ha ha ha*, and when you have s**... you say *ah ah ah*".
What's the opposite of running away and getting married?
Anteloping.
Breakfast Wife
(Overheard at work)
I was eating breakfast at a dinner with the old lady when the man at the next booth says to his wife, "Please pass the sugar, sugar".
A short time later at the booth on the opposite side of me, the man says to his wife, "Please pass the honey, honey".
Annoyed, my wife says to me "How come you never talk sweet to me like that?"
"Ok", I say, "Please pass the bacon, pig."
Do you know what is the opposite of firefly?
Waterfall
What is the opposite of mango?
Womanstay. (One of *the* worst and yet best jokes my dad made. I love him.)
Why did the penguin break up with the walrus?
Because they were polar opposites.
She's technically not wrong...
This actually happened last night with my girlfriend...
Me: So did you read 1984?
She: Yeah, I did...utopian society right?
Me:No it is the total opposite...do you know the opposite of utopian?
She: yeah..Ethiopia right?
and yes she was being totally serious.
When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.
\-Its the opposite for me
\-How?
\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...
What's the opposite of a calculator?
A calcunow
How Newton came up with his laws
A cow was walking. Newton shouted at the cow and it stopped. He formed his first law: an object continues to move unless it's stopped .
Newton gave the cow a forceful kick and it made a sound, 'MA'. He formed his second law: force, F = MA .
The cow gave Newton a forceful kick back. He formed his third law: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction .
What is the opposite of defeat?
Da hands
A woman was being interviewed during a driving test
Officer: You are driving a car down the road, you see your husband and your brother crossing the road from opposite lanes.
What will you hit first?
Woman: Husband! My husband!
Officer: This is the third time I'm telling you madam, you hit the brakes first!
What's the opposite if Hibernation?
Goodbyebernation.
