Opposable Jokes
102 opposable jokes and hilarious opposable puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about opposable that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Opposable Short Jokes
Short opposable jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The opposable humour may include short jokes also.
- It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
- TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's. Apparently they opposed integration.
- Two blondes are on opposing sides of a river One yells to the other How do I get to the other side of the river?
Blonde two yells back You are on the other side ! - Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this... On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.
- Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team? They were truly ruthless.
- Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half. They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.
- Just saw a fun fact that said, "Babies are more likely to be born on Tuesdays." As opposed to what? ADULTS being born on Tuesdays?
- A lot of people think humans having opposable thumbs contributed greatly to our evolution, but I don't know... ...I think we just have a better grasp on things.
- Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles. The opposing knight was defeeted.
- They came for our homonyms and I said nothing. They came for our synonyms and still, I said nothing. Nil. Zilch. Nada. When they came for our antonyms, I was opposed.
Share These Opposable Jokes With Friends
Opposable One Liners
Which opposable one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with opposable? I can suggest the ones about and .
- I wanted to play video games today but my thumbs were all opposed.
- A good rule of thumb is It's opposable.
- Why are families only allowed 1 child in China? The government is opposed to euthanasia.
- Why didn't Pence attend the biathlon? He opposed all the biathletes
- How do you tell if someone is opposed to GMOs? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
- I oppose racism. Especially on highways.
- I am vehemently opposed to protest! But, I'm not sure how to show it.
- Two Virginians and an immigrant walk into a room Diametraclly opposed, foes
- Why are beekeepers opposed to keeping gorillas in captivity? They're ape purists
- What economic theory opposes manscaping? Laissez-fur!
- I'm strongly opposed to child labour Because children really lack a sense of quality
- Why does Britain oppose the EU? Because they are NOT Zs.
- My friends think I oppose the Bible. It couldn't be further from the truth.
- Why couldn't the Marxist go to school? He was opposed to classes.
- What do you call a world leader who white people are opposed to? Vladimir Gluten
Opposable Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about opposable you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make opposable pranks.
If the Klu Klux k**... leaders are wizard, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Why do Republicans oppose Gay Marriage AND Obamacare?
Because they hate mandates.
A blonde is walking on the bank of a wide river when
she sees another blonde on the opposing bank. The first blonde yells: "Hey! How do you get to the other side?" To which the second blonde yells back: "What are you, s**...? You are on the other side."
Heard a dwarf-comedian tell this ( no offence t**... anybody) (quite long)
There is a bar that sponsors a soccer team for midgets, so after every game the team and their opposing team of that weak eat free at the second floor of that bar. So when the teams are eating a man comes in and starts drinking, big time. After a while the first team leaves and the man looks in surpise bus remains silent. After he's had another drink the second team leaves. The man then turns to the barkeeper and says dead serious: " I don't mean to alarm you but I think your foosball ( table football) table is leaving."
No offence to anyone. I just thought it was hilarious.
Canadian guy, American guy, ugly woman and gorgeous woman on a train.
A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.
Some time later, the train enters a tunel and all goes black, then suddenly they hear a big slap. As the train exits the tunnel there's the American with the side of his face all red wearing a look of shock.
In the mind of the ugly woman, "That American tried to g**... the gorgeous girl and she slapped him!"
In the mind of the gorgeous woman, "That American tried to g**... me, but got the ugly woman instead and she slapped him!"
In the mind of the American, "That Canadian tried to g**... the gorgeous woman and she tried to slap him but got me instead!"
In the mind of the Canadian, "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap that American again"
Did you hear about the basketball team catching an illness from the opposing team?
Cross Court-amination
What happens when a political party filled with loyal members builds its entire platform on being unwilling to cooperate with the opposing party in a system based on compromise between parties that share power?
Your government fails.
wait... sorry I wrote this joke last year, I guess its not that funny anymore.
What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
As opposed to married man, a bachelor washes dishes before eating.
I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...
They do this for two reasons;
One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.
And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.
(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)
Two opposing candidates for county office...
... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today...
It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question.
"OK class." Said the American teacher, "If I had three oranges, and I divided them fairly between four children, how many oranges would each child receive?"
Most of the children in his class answered with pretty much the same thing. "It's easy." Replied the class, "One child gets two oranges, the second gets a half, the third gets an eighth, the fourth gets nothing, and we keep the rest to throw at our enemies."
On the other side of the world, in Russia, the Soviet teacher asks the same to her own class.
"Students." She asked, "If I had three oranges, and had to distribute them fairly to four children, how many oranges will each child have?"
The Russian class asked their teacher "What are oranges?"
A penguin is having some car trouble
So he takes his car to a local mechanic for repairs. The mechanic tells the penguin that it will take about an hour to check and find out what is wrong with his vehicle.
The penguin goes to the waiting room and becomes very bored and antsy. He looks out the front window of the mechanic's shop and sees and ice cream parlor across the street and decides that will be a good way to kill some time.
The penguin goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a three scoop cone of vanilla ice cream. Seeing that the penguin doesn't have opposable thumbs it is very hard to keep a hold of the cone and the penguin makes a huge mess. He gets ice cream all over himself.
The penguin looks at the time and realizes he needs to get back to the mechanic's and doesn't have enough time to clean up.
He goes to the mechanic and asks if he found out what was wrong.
The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin responds "No, that's ice cream."
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...
To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
Two men are at the unemployment line
The first goes up to the counter. The clerk asks him "What was your previous occupation?" He said "I used to sew the liners in bras" So the clerk sets $100/week as his benefit.
The next guy goes and the clerk asks him the same thing. He says "I'm a diesel fitter." So the clerk sets $500/week as his benefits.
The first guy is outraged, so he goes and asks why he got such a low benefit as opposed to the other guy. So the clerk says "Your work was labor, and the other one was a technical guy." So the first guy says "Ask him how his job works!"
So he does, and the guy replies "Well my buddy sows on the liner, and I hold 'em up, look at 'em, and say 'Yup, diesel fitter!'
Three friends make a bet
to see who can order and eat the most without ordering a full portion of the meal.
The first man points to a burger and chips and says, "I would like this, but I only want three quarters of the meal." So the guy gets the meal with less chips than the standard meal and eats it all.
The second man points to a steak and says, "I want four fifths of this steak." The order is brought out and the man eats it up.
The third man points to a sandwich and says, "I would like one slice of bread, as opposed to this sandwich." So sure enough, he gets the one slice of bread and he eats it all up. The other two men start to laugh at him until he says:
"Why are you laughing? I won. Mine was a wholemeal."
Three of five fingers were willing to cooperate
but the thumb and forefinger were opposed!
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a bakery...
To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)
The Horses decided to form a Senate to govern themselves...
But they could never get anything done. "All in favor, say Yay. All opposed, say neigh."
Why was the church opposed to fire on torches?
It was heat-on-a-stick.
I was opposed when my wife brought up the idea of trying b**......
But my hands were tied.
What did the American Army General say after the first opposing casualty in the Mexican-American War?
Juan down, a million more to go.
I used to be opposed to o**... transplant...
But after having one done myself; I guess I've had a change of heart.
Recently, I was watching the Republican debate, and they were debating abortion.
Donald Trump was talking about how opposed to it he was, but I thought to myself, come on Don, you're a businessman. I bet you wouldn't be this upset if you could charge them an early termination fee.
A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood.
Leave it with me, says the mechanic. Come back in 20 minutes.
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an
ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams—
the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is
completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little
sticky, he goes back to the garage.
Oh, hello, says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
Hello, replies the penguin. Was it anything serious?
Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal.
Oh no, no, no! says the penguin, wiping his mouth. It's just ice cream.
My new flesh-light is dishwasher safe!
Not sure why my roommates are opposed to it?
a peaceful man was so opposed to war that he upon reading his draft notice he passed out and remained comatose for the duration of the war
he was an unconscientious objector
Why couldn't the Chinese geologist find a date?
He was vehemently opposed to wrong rocks on the beach.
One time in medieval England ...
One time in medieval England, there was a Lord who opposed hunting. One day, he issued a verdict that forbade hunting on his land. The peasants were angry, but the economy soon recovered.
But within a few years, wild animals were overpopulating and began traveling into the fields and eating the crops. Peasants once more began to protest, but the Lord ignored them.
Soon, the peasants could not grow food because the animal population was eating everything they planted. A large group stormed the castle, demanding the Lord end the ban, but he refused, and they killed him.
This marked the only time in history that a reign was called because of the game.
Ladies, if your man stops the opposing team from scoring a goal...
He's a keeper
Some older generations are opposed to Chinese people immigrating to our country.
It's racist but some people will never chang.
Why did Frankenstein vote Democrat?
Because he had a screw loose.
*(Feel free to change to whichever party you oppose.)*
President Trump's choice for Supreme Court Justice is strongly opposed to euthanasia.
I wonder what he's got against kids in the Orient?
A grandfather is telling his grandson war stories...
Grandfather: Did I ever tell you about the time we destroyed the opposing forces?
Grandson: I don't think you have...
Grandfather: it was hundred to two... Clearly outmatched. But we destroyed them both!
There once was an emperor who ruled over a massive territory.
When he came in to power he passed many strange laws. The first law he passed was that in every sentence that you use the word "or" you must also have an "M" in that same sentence.
The people of his domain could do nothing to oppose this outrageous law because it was the
"M per Ors" decree.
Why couldn't Jesus play int he match opposing Jerusalem to Nazareth?
Because he was suspended.
Another penguin joke. n**...
A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.
Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.
Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."
I oppose all this s**... on the television.
I mean, I keep falling off.
(credit to monty python)
the only person that seems to oppose my intense F.R.I.E.N.D.S obsession...
...is my daughter, gunther.
Measuring vs Questionaries
Me: To get the mass of each Can of chicken I used a digital scale
Teacher: Why did you use that method to obtain your data as
opposed to the other methods?
Me: Because the cans refused to answer the questionnaires honestly
Jewish Judge
Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers became uncomfortable.
" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."
The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...
"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.
A blonde is walking along the side of a highway...
When she sees a brunette jumping in the middle between the opposing lanes of traffic chanting "twenty, twenty, twenty..."
Curious the blonde asks what she's doing.
"I'm jumping up and down saying twenty, do it with me, " replies the brunette.
So they both start to jump when a truck suddenly runs over the blonde, killing her.
The brunette calmly walks over to the body, and drags her to the side of the road. She then returns to the middle of the highway, starts jumping up and down, and chants "twenty one, twenty one, twenty one..."
It's not a coincidence that a lot of conservatives who oppose abortions are also hunters
They know that anything they kill, they have to eat.
I did my part! I called my state representative and told them I opposed the net neutrality repeal!
I miss the days when everyone talked about...
Microaggressions, as opposed to microtransactions
I asked my wife if she wanted to do a q**...
She asked "As opposed to what?"
Hamlet has to pee [Hamleak]
Quick little blurb I wrote in class:
To pee, or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention.
Or to take arm against a see of u**... and by opposing relive it.
To go-to pee,
No more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that u**... is heir to: 'tis a consummation devoutly to be p**...'d.
The world's biggest online retailer is getting rid of all their movies that feature my favorite ptosis suffering black actor.
I, for one, am opposed to the deForestation of the Amazon.
Did you know h**... was very opposed to tractor-trailers?
Turns out he was a huge anti-semi.
A man who escapes from the USSR is being interviewed by an American journalist
Journalist: So, how is life in the Soviet Union?
Man: Well, I can't complain
Journalist: But, I have heard that in your country there is often not enough food and long lines. Is this true?
Man: I can't complain
Journalist: In the USA there are rumours that people that oppose your leaders gets killed or just disappears. Do you know anything about this?
Man: Can't complain about it
Journalist (now frustrated) : But why did you escape? Based on this interview, life is great over there
Man (Smiling) : Because here I can complain
Why do members of the LGBTQ community invest in commercial real estate as opposed to residential?
Because commercial real estate is non binary
I wanted to write a letter to the Governor . . .
opposing a bill being considered in the Virginia legislature. But with Gov Northram's facing a chorus of demands for his resignation because of his blackface photo, and the next two officials in line to succeed him embroiled in their own controversies, I wasn't sure to whom I should send my letter.
I finally decided the safest choice was to mail it to the Governor's Mansion, "Current occupant."
How many [not your political party] does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they are incapable of making real changes due to [thing you dislike about the opposing political party]
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
A judge was hearing a case between two parties.
During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.
When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honorable accepted the bribe.
When the proceedings resumed, the judge announced:
"Because both parties have given me a large sum of money for a favorable decision, I will now have to decide the case based on its merits".
As a civilized caveman, Arg found Kro's advocacy for cannibalism to be deplorable and publicly opposed him.
When the great famine arrived, he realized he was going to have to eat Kro.
If the Klu Klux k**... leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...
Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.
The other is the Sith.
One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.
The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.
"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."
After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Next, I wish your initial injunction pertained only to the concept of wishing paired with the particular word *wish* as opposed to the concept itself, which you were merely signifying with that word. Aaaaand I splork for infinite splorks."
The genie sighs and says, "This is why nobody likes lawyers."
What is the differnce between an afghan Soldier and a Woman ?
The Woman has the b**... to oppose the Taliban.