Opportunity Jokes
116 opportunity jokes and hilarious opportunity puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about opportunity that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some laughs? Check out this collection of funny jokes about missed opportunities, equal opportunities, opportunity costs, likelihoods, honesty, and 'misses'. Perfect for a pick-me-up.
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Funniest Opportunity Short Jokes
Short opportunity jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The opportunity humour may include short chance jokes also.
- Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem. Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity. - Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it "the Father-figure"
- JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. interview are being held tomorrow. Come early....
....beat the crowd.
- Have you heard about that new fad of skydiving without a parachute? It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.
- Boss, I've got a probl.. Boss: There's no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.
Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity. - Personally I think removal of net neutrality will be great. It will offer our businesses new opportunities for development which will help the economy in the long run
- What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group? A Carpe D.M
- Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying? Or has the Opportunity passed?
- Don't call it a problem. Instead call it an opportunity. "I have an drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it?
- My wife told me, There's no such things as problems, just opportunities. " That's great, I thought. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity !!
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Opportunity One Liners
Which opportunity one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with opportunity? I can suggest the ones about possibility and second chance.
- What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity
- There are 3 things that I love: The Oxford Comma, irony, and missed opportunities.
- Why the Martians haven't contacted us? They missed the opportunity
- Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
- What does a perfect joke never said have in common with Mars? A missed Opportunity
- What does my love life and Mars have in common Both have a missed Opportunity
- As an optimist, I don't think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.
- Just heard NASA shutdown operations to the Mars rover. Wasted opportunity!
- Kurt Cobain was an example of using opportunity. He got his big shot, and didn't miss.
- Virginity Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
- Satan's not all bad. He's an equal opportunity employer.
- What do you call it when the stars align for a mustard thief? A Gulden's opportunity.
- Opportunity, Motive and Intent Could-ah, Should-ah, Would-ah.
- I just got a callback regarding a job opportunity with Sony. They canceled my interview.
- i once turned down a job as a fog machine operator it was a mist opportunity
Missed Opportunity Jokes
Here is a list of funny missed opportunity jokes and even better missed opportunity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass.. Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse
- Is it too soon to joke about the mars rover? There is way too many good puns for it to be a missed opportunity.
- I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers They should've called them skyentists.
- Rewatched The Last Jedi and noticed that they missed an opportunity when they named the black BB droid. They should have called him BBc.
- I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn't in the remake of The Italian Job. Joke from Gary Delaney's standup
- Wednesday is actually Tuesday Wednesday is actually twos day this week! Don't miss the opportunity to tell your wife and kids that clever dad joke!
Wednesday 2/2/22 is twos day!! - I feel like some celebrities are missing out on easy opportunities. I mean, why has Elon Musk not come out with a fragrance?
- I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with. It's a missed Opportunity.
- My mom never missed an opportunity to remind me every birthday... ...that I was inside of her.
- 'Hotel Transylvania' missed an opportunity because monsters on a cruise are not on the Love Boat... They're on a Love Craft.
Equal Opportunity Jokes
Here is a list of funny equal opportunity jokes and even better equal opportunity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Democracy is when everybody has an equal opportunity Wolves can eat sheep, sheep can eat wolves.
- Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes
- It is important to keep the internet free and open So everyone has equal opportunity to misdiagnose themselves on WebMD
Hilarious Opportunity Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about opportunity you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean advantage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make opportunity pranks.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...
...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.
The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."
Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."
Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took a job as a s**... bomber yesterday.
I guess you could say it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.
He hated birds. [](/celestlol)
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...
And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...
For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,
For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,
And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."
George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
List of the shortest books
1. The Australian Book of Foreplay.
2. Contraception by the Pope.
3. The American Guide to Etiquette.
4. Healthy Marriages by the British Royal Family.
5. Consumer Marketing Ethics.
6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.
7. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan.
8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.
9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.
10. What I've Accomplished by Barack Obama.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were three unruly kids in detention
Their names were Zip, w**... and Pee. The teacher briefly left the room and the three kids saw this as an opportunity to have some fun. Zip jumped up onto a table and started dancing. w**... went into the teachers cupboard and Pee started running around.
The teacher shortly came back, saw the chaos and said:
'Zip down, w**... out, Pee in the corner!'
Skydiving without a parachute...
Is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I heard this on a spotify ad and it cracked me up. I thought I'd share it.:)
Explosive Opportunity
A British engineer started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says that prophets are going through the roof.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
If my life is like a highway, I sure hope it's like an interstate
Lots of opportunities to get off
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"
CNN: "Hold my beer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Circus needed a new act...
there were 2 performers gunning for the opportunity: a beatiful woman and a man badly dressed.
The woman started her act, which was lion taming: she stripped stark n**..., entered the lion´s cage, and made the beast postrate and lick her entire body, from head to toes.
The ringmaster was impressed, and asked the other performer:
"Can you do better than that?"
"Yes, and I dont even need to be whipped"
Why did Colin Kaepernick take a knee before each NFL game?
He never had the opportunity to kneel during games
Everyone and everything has great potential
For example, today I was circulating through a furniture shop and saw an unplugged lamp that looked like it could really light up a room if only it was given the opportunity to shine
Jehovah's Witnesses
Jehovahs Witnesses: Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: Of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks, lights dim, PowerPoint presentation begins]]
Me: But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.
Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"
My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...
It was a huge mist opportunity.
So I was talking to my manager...
He said you've gotta stop calling them problems and start calling them 'opportunities'.
But suddenly things are different when I have a drinking opportunity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car c**....
I don't know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whoever coined the term "wet nurse" missed a golden opportunity...
A cooler name would have been utili-t**....
Fat fashion designer has found a time machine
Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.
He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.
Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:
\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?
My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.
My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.
I was recently fired from McDonald's for helping myself to too many cheeseburgers
I think I was misled about their "opportunities for growth"
We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq
since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason
I could have been hired to NASA but I was on vacation...
Later, I was mourning the death of an Opportunity.
I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.
Canada got it all wrong!
So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!
Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can't beat a good stereotype!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful b**... blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...
I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde joke
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the c**...-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."
At the start of the pandemic, it was a good opportunity to tell wether I was an introvert or an extrovert.
Turns out, I'm just a pervert.
I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!
I'm so thankful to McDonald's for this opportunity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Clintons at President Reagan's f**...
I don't know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might've noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.
Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who decided to s**... in a bucket
There was no reason why
It was all by the by
He just saw an opportunity and took it
My brother works in the garage door business
I asked him how it is. He said it has its ups and downs.
He's really happy for the job, though. The opportunity was really an open door for him.
Apparently they've made him into their main salesperson, since he really knows how to close the deal.
I hope you found these puns to be....uplifting.
The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt
One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.
After several very angry calls from the royal family's lawyers, I found out that I had to pay Her Royalty her royalties for Her Royal Tee's^TM
A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.
A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.
The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pretends to read.
The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent and roars, "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"
The gorilla says, "You mean the one that nailed you from behind?"
The lion says, "You mean it's in the paper already?"
I'd like to take the opportunity on this, International Women's Day, to refute allegations that I'm a sexist.
I've got a friend who's a woman. And I believe she should be treated as if she *is* equal.
We were supposed to get rain today, but it blew out to the ocean
It was a real mist opportunity
One Bill Gates' divorce
According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn't work together as Teams. On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring Finally she realized there was no Window of opportunity to stay together.
Company Picnic Softball Tournament
At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept. won ,9-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice. The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of this year's softball tournament, we finished in second place overall, having lost only one game the entire season. We would also like to take this opportunity to offer our condolences to the Ad Dept.'s team for finishing next to last, having won only one game during the entire year.
King Pharaoh: I have a great business opportunity for you...
Israelites: Umm, is this not a pyramid scheme?
Al Gore is in the wrong line of work
Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.
But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fate.
I personally will never let it go that I'll never hear an album from the math rock legends the Al Gore Rhythms.
Patriotism.
Being in the American military gives one the rare and distinctively American opportunity to live under a bridge that may one day be posthumously dedicated to you.
A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"
I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."
My boss said he'd give me a bonus if I did an impression of a frog.
I jumped at the opportunity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That's it! I'm buying Omicron.
I'll be d**... if I let another crypto opportunity slip away.
3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old
Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.
A fairy once appeared and told a family couple
"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But unexpectedly the 50 year old husband said.
"This is really romantic and wonderful, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sorry honey, but I want a wife 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her magic wand once again, and immediately turned the guy into an 80 year old man.
Two vietnamese brothers asked me to invest in their business
I jumped at the opportunity. It seemed like a Nguyen/Nguyen situation
Click here for a potential once in a lifetime opportunity!
Thank you for entering the Russian roulette tournament.
