The Best 88 Opportunity Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Opportunity jokes. There are some opportunity possibilities jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these opportunity opportunities puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Opportunity Jokes and Puns

Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.

The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."

Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."

Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

I was Jesus last time!

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

jokes about opportunity

I took a job as a suicide bomber yesterday.

I guess you could say it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.


JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.

He hated birds. [](/celestlol)

Opportunity joke, My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...

For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,

For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,

And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.

He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.

His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."

Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

There were three unruly kids in detention

Their names were Zip, Willie and Pee. The teacher briefly left the room and the three kids saw this as an opportunity to have some fun. Zip jumped up onto a table and started dancing. Willie went into the teachers cupboard and Pee started running around.

The teacher shortly came back, saw the chaos and said:

'Zip down, Willie out, Pee in the corner!'

You can explore opportunity miss reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean opportunity possibility dad jokes. There are also opportunity puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A restaurant manager gets offered a promotion...

After calling him into his office, the owner of the store tells the manager that he would like to give him the opportunity of being an owner of his own at a location in Canada. "Canada?", the manager says, "The only people in Canada are idiots or hockey players!" The owner becomes very serious, and says "My wife is from Canada." The manager quickly responds, "Oh what team does she play for?"

A man once offered me a job selling fog, but I said no

Looking back, I think it was a mist opportunity.

Skydiving without a parachute...

Is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I heard this on a spotify ad and it cracked me up. I thought I'd share it.:)

Explosive Opportunity

A British engineer started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says that prophets are going through the roof.

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

Opportunity joke, Two boys are in the woods...

Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee

It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit

"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked

"I have no job" he replied

"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"

"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended

"And how exactly will he do that then?"

"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity

"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"

"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"

"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"

"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"

At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,

"What's up friend? You seem troubled"

"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancΓ©"

"Oh man, bad news?"

"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

Don't call it a problem. Instead call it an opportunity.

"I have an drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it?


Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?

I'm going to commit suicide, she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.

After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?

My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"

CNN: "Hold my beer."

The Circus needed a new act...

there were 2 performers gunning for the opportunity: a beatiful woman and a man badly dressed.

The woman started her act, which was lion taming: she stripped stark naked, entered the lionΒ΄s cage, and made the beast postrate and lick her entire body, from head to toes.

The ringmaster was impressed, and asked the other performer:

"Can you do better than that?"

"Yes, and I dont even need to be whipped"

Everyone and everything has great potential

For example, today I was circulating through a furniture shop and saw an unplugged lamp that looked like it could really light up a room if only it was given the opportunity to shine

A couple had a big argument in the car. They didn't talk to each other then entire trip.

They passed a farm with pigs, in which the husband saw an opportunity to break the ice.
"Look, those must be your relatives"
The lady, keeping her cool, replied "In-laws"

As an optimist, I don't think I have a drinking problem.

I have a drinking opportunity.

Opportunity joke, As an optimist, I don't think I have a drinking problem.

Rewatched The Last Jedi and noticed that they missed an opportunity when they named the black BB droid.

They should have called him BBc.

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.


So I was talking to my manager...

He said you've gotta stop calling them problems and start calling them 'opportunities'.

But suddenly things are different when I have a drinking opportunity.

I've always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car crash.

I don't know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.

I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers

They should've called them skyentists.

Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

Whoever coined the term "wet nurse" missed a golden opportunity...

A cooler name would have been utili-titty.


What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.

My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.

We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq

since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason

Just heard NASA shutdown operations to the Mars rover.

Wasted opportunity!

Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying?

Or has the Opportunity passed?

What does my love life and Mars have in common

Both have a missed Opportunity

What does a perfect joke never said have in common with Mars?

A missed Opportunity

I could have been hired to NASA but I was on vacation...

Later, I was mourning the death of an Opportunity.

Is it too soon to joke about the mars rover?

There is way too many good puns for it to be a missed opportunity.

So my buddy and I were driving down a country road and see a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.

Now, like any good ol Montana boy I know a good opportunity when I see it. I pull over and walk up to the sheep and unzip my pants and start giving it to her. I'm really give'n her the boots when I look over and my buddy is jacking off. I mean, he's really beat'n his meat. Kinda freaked out I stop and ask 'ya wanna turn?'. He runs over and sticks his head in the fence.

Boss, I've got a probl..

Boss: There's no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.

Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.

Why the Martians haven't contacted us?

They missed the opportunity

I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.

In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can't beat a good stereotype!

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband

"We have to make loveΒ right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."

At the start of the pandemic, it was a good opportunity to tell wether I was an introvert or an extrovert.

Turns out, I'm just a pervert.

I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!

I'm so thankful to McDonald's for this opportunity.

[At work] Man: Boss, I've got a problem...

Boss: There is no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.

Man: Ok. I have a serious drinking opportunity.

Whoever called it 'Dentures'

really missed an opportunity to call it 'Substitooths'.

My girlfriend told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

That's great because I have a serious drinking opportunity.

The Clintons at President Reagan's funeral

I don't know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might've noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who decided to shit in a bucket

There was no reason why

It was all by the by

He just saw an opportunity and took it

My brother works in the garage door business

I asked him how it is. He said it has its ups and downs.

He's really happy for the job, though. The opportunity was really an open door for him.

Apparently they've made him into their main salesperson, since he really knows how to close the deal.

I hope you found these puns to be....uplifting.

My wife and i made a list of people we would have sex if we got the opportunity

She chose Channing Tatum,David Beckham,Brad Pitt,Chris Hemsworth and Bradley Cooper.I chose her sister,her cousin that was at our wedding,neighbours wife,girl that works as a clerk in Walmart and our son's biology teacher

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal family's lawyers, I found out that I had to pay Her Royalty her royalties for Her Royal Tee's^TM

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pretends to read.

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent and roars, "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"

The gorilla says, "You mean the one that nailed you from behind?"

The lion says, "You mean it's in the paper already?"

I'd like to take the opportunity on this, International Women's Day, to refute allegations that I'm a sexist.

I've got a friend who's a woman. And I believe she should be treated as if she *is* equal.

We were supposed to get rain today, but it blew out to the ocean

It was a real mist opportunity

Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass..

Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse

King Pharaoh: I have a great business opportunity for you...

Israelites: Umm, is this not a pyramid scheme?

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn't in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

Al Gore is in the wrong line of work

Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.

But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fate.

I personally will never let it go that I'll never hear an album from the math rock legends the Al Gore Rhythms.

My wife told me, There's no such things as problems, just opportunities. "

That's great, I thought. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity !!

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie

The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy

Two Irish men, mick and Dara are walking in the woods..

Mick and Dara are walking in the woods when they come up on a sign saying "Job opportunity! Good pay. Tree fellers wanted."
"Ah, jaysus" says Dara, 'tis but a shame there's only two of us"!

Patriotism.

Being in the American military gives one the rare and distinctively American opportunity to live under a bridge that may one day be posthumously dedicated to you.

A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."

My boss said he'd give me a bonus if I did an impression of a frog.

I jumped at the opportunity.

I was recently invited to try skydiving without a parachute.

It sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.

3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

I've just spotted the new Batman shampoo for sale.

Although I feel they're missing a real opportunity by not producing a conditioner Gordon.

Two vietnamese brothers asked me to invest in their business

I jumped at the opportunity. It seemed like a Nguyen/Nguyen situation

Have you heard about that new fad of skydiving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Wednesday is actually Tuesday

Wednesday is actually twos day this week! Don't miss the opportunity to tell your wife and kids that clever dad joke!

Wednesday 2/2/22 is twos day!!

Click here for a potential once in a lifetime opportunity!

Thank you for entering the Russian roulette tournament.

A man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

The boss exclaims, "Problem? There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity!"

The man says, "Okay then. I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Men: stop holding doors open for women -- it's sexist

Hold them closed instead, so they have equal opportunity to prove their strength

Be first

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Whoever decided to call it Dentures....

Really missed the opportunity to call it Substitooths.

A sad first attempt at a joke

(It's my first time posting here. Don't blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a case again. You will be famous. You will be wealthy beyond your wildest imagination.

Lawyer: What's the catch?

Satan: I want the souls of your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children and all your future descendants for damnation in hell for all eternity.

Lawyer: Okay, but what's the catch?

Opportunity only knocks once,

but temptation leans on the doorbell.

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.

Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us? Stalin gives him the advice: Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue. Why blue? asks Vladimir Putin.

I knew you wouldn't have a problem with the first part, chuckles Stalin.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the opportunity earn puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working opportunity hesitant piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes