Opinion Jokes

What are some Opinion jokes?

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it

He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade

My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I have the body of 20 year old

Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

An opinion without 3.14

Is just an onion...
DEEP

I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight.

I said, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "Alright. You're ugly."

-Rodney Dangerfield

ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting.

CRITIC: It's worthless.


ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.

My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!

Dr: EXACTLY!!

An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on sex?"

The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."

The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat.

I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly.

My doctor called me fat.

I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said:

OK, you're ugly too.

Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all.

The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

Four kids walk into an interview...

Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"

Chinese 69

As told to me by the father of the groom at a wedding last weekend; he apparently offended the parents of the bride with the same joke the night before. He was getting my opinion as to whether it was really all that offensive.

> A Chinese guy is having trouble falling asleep. Finally at 2am he shakes his wife and asks her for a 69. She replies, "Who eats beef with broccoli at this hour?"

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.

A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?

The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?

The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?

The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?

The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?

I like my women like I like my news…

Without an opinion

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.

I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the Like button.

What's your opinion on the mobius strip debate?

I find it a tad one-sided.

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:

The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy".

I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, 'Okay, you're ugly too!"

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast...

"Yeah?, well you aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and call home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" He said
"I was in bed." came the reply.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

UN Food Survey Fails...

UN Phone Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

My doctor told me I was fat. I asked for a second opinion.

He told me I was stupid too.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?

A corpse.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted another opinion..

He said fine, you're ugly too

-Rodney Dangerfield
-

A woman takes her dead parrot into a vet's office...

And lays it upon the examination table. The vet takes one look at the deceased bird and says, 'Sorry Ma'am, but your parrot is dead.' The woman isn't satisfied, and asks for a second opinion. The vet obliges and pokes his head into the next room and calls in a second doctor. A cat saunters in, jumps up onto the table, looks up to the vet with sorrow in his eyes and says, 'Meow.' 'Sorry,' the vet says, 'my colleague says your parrot is dead. The woman still isn't satisfied and wants yet another opinion. The vet, as before, pokes his head into the next room, but this time a dog bounds in, puts its paws on the table, sniffs the bird and barks. 'Sorry Ma'am, but that's three doctor's opinions. Your bird is certainly dead.' 'Alright,' the woman says, 'you win, here's the $50 for the appointment.' '$50?' The vet exclaims, 'You owe me $150 for the extra cat scan and the lab report.'

An International School Teacher

...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
first, the African kid asks "what's food?"
the European kid asks "what's scarcity?"
the American kid asks "what's other countries?"
and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"

I set my phone to airplane mode

I lost it two weeks ago and everyone has a different opinion on what happened to it

Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.

Vet Bill

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.

Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.

Is that so! How?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.

Kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay...

and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."

But none of the could write it.

The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.

The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.

The European kid didn't know what the word 'insufficient' meant.

The Kid from Africa didn't know what 'food' was.

And the kid from North America had absolutely no clue what the heck were 'other countries'.

A Second Opinion

A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. "The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. "The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. ""$650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

*I found this joke again while browsing and deleting my old facebook notes. This was from 2007.*

This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...

The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I'd like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up and whines sadly.
I'm afraid it's confirmed says the vet. The guy looks at the vet and says But my 5 year old daughter loves this parrot! Please! Are you 100% sure?
The Vet replies We can do one final test . He whistles again and a cat comes into the room and springs up onto the table. T he cat walks up and down the table looking intently at the parrot, then meows sadly and leaves.
"Well I'm terribly sorry Mr Jones but there can be no doubt about it. Polly is dead."
"Well, it's terrible news. Thank you for your time. How much do I owe you?"
"That comes to eight hundred pounds please."
"What?" cried the man in shock, "Why so much?"
"Well" Said the Vet, "Quick, accurate diagnoses don't come cheap. Ordinarily it would nearer to two hundred. What pushed the price up was the Lab report and Cat scan!"

Boy buying his first box of condoms...

A teenaged boy walks into the pharmacy to buy his first box of condoms. He doesn't really know what he's looking for though so he decides to ask the pharmacist his opinion.

"What can I do for ya son?" The pharmacist asks.

"Well, I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents at dinner tonight, and she and I agreed that afterwards we'd have sex for the first time, so I'm getting prepared."

"Well that's not a problem, how many do you need? They come in 3, 6, and 12 packs."

"Well," said the teen, "I'm hoping that our first time is so awesome she'll want more so I'll go with the 12 pack.


Later that evening he arrives at his girlfriend's house and takes his seat at the dinner table. When the time for grace comes up, the boy volunteers to pray. He prays for a long, long time before coming to the amen. His girlfriend leans over and says, "You didn't tell me you were so religious."

He replies, "you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist..."

They say there's no opinions in science

But I've seen people get real heated over thermochemistry

And they really melt down when you bring up nuclear engineering

Have you seen how twisted people get when it comes to DNA?

Cartography is the worst, people are just all over the map

You should see how hormonal people get about endocrinology

You can really feel the pressure in the room when someone brings up hydraulics.

If an opinion is worth 2 cents, how many cents is an argument worth?

It really just depends on how much cents it makes.

An Artist, an Architect, and an Engineer...

...are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect says, "A wife, of course. A good marriage is the foundation of a happy life."

The artist says, "No, a mistress. She will add intrigue and excitement to your life."

They turn to the engineer to ask his opinion. The engineer says, "I have both. The wife thinks I'm with the mistress. The mistress thinks I'm with the wife. And I can go down to the plant and get some work done."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape the women's prison...

(I don't know why my friends like this one so much, feel free to tell them it's awful and confirm my opinion.)

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape the women's prison late one night. With the police hot on their heels, they decide to hide in an abandoned factory. Splitting up, they all take their various hiding places in the factory just as the police kick down the door.

The police begin to search, and they hear a noise coming from an old crate. The redhead, who is hiding in the crate, hears them approach and quickly barks, "WOOF, WOOF". "Oh, it's just a stray dog," says an officer and continues the search. Nearby the police hear some rattling from within a pile of old manufacturing equipment. The brunette, who is amid the equipment, quickly does her best cat imitation, "MEOW, MEOW". "Nothing but an old cat," says one of the police as they continue the search.

At last, in the back of the factory, the police hear some rustling coming from a large burlap sack, which they surround and demand, "Who's in there? Come out!" The blonde, who is inside, having heard her fellow escapees successes thinks to herself for a moment and then says, "POOOOTAAAATOOOO."

I was sharing with a friend my opinion that women should come with instructions.

She replied, "Why? It's not like men read the instructions anyway."

How to start a fight on Internet in two steps

1. Express your opinion.
2. Wait.

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

Could not decide how much lettuce to buy, until I got a second opinion

two heads are better than one.

What's your opinion on the current meat shortage?

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.


He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi man, a Polish man, a North Korean man and a resident New Yorker.


He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"


The Saudi man replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"


The Polish man said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"


The North Korean man replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"


The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me?'"

A doctor gives a man bad news

Doctor: You have brain cancer.

Man: What? I want a second opinion!

Doctor: You're also unappealing to the opposite sex.

A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...

He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.

Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, doc."

This is what the doctor told him...

"If I was you, I'd move to North Dakota- Marry a fat German woman with a pig farm and 7 kids."
...
"What will that do, Doc? Will that cure me?"


He says, "No, but it will be the longest 6 months of your life."

Want my opinion on Mongolia?

It has it's pros and Khans

If a man states an opinion...

Opinions are like mixtapes

I don't want to hear them.

Trump was recently asked his opinion on Roe vs. Wade...

He thought it was two different ways to get across the Potomac.

So a teacher asks his class the question...

"What's your opinion on donating food to foreign countries?" The African student says, "What's food?" The Indian student says, "What's donating?" The American student says, " What's foreign countries?" And the Chinese student says, "What's my opinion?"

What was 50 Cents called after he gave his opinion of Eminem?

48 Cents.

A man walks into the doctor

A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.

"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."

The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."

The doctor retorts: "You're ugly too."

How to make Opinion jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Opinion to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Opinion? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Opinion pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes